Here's something that passes the time between chopping up rails of Ambien and beating your snooze button like it stole something:

Imagine Pac-Man Jones during his inevitable Up North Trip. Now, let's forget for a second that dude is about to do a bid because he "made it rain" but "did not expect the strippers to take the money." (I totally understand the confusion, bro. That's really atypical behavior from exotic dancers) I want you to actually visualize dude in the clink. Can't you totally see my man acting like this:


That kid is going to be POPULAR. The Sisters are going to LOVE. HIM.

But we need more don't we? More than NFL Slash Fic. Maybe something like, I don't know...

Oh you think I'm fucking with you?

I am not fucking with you. We are due. We are due for a gravity bong hit of the impossible. It's what, Feb. 26? Am I getting ahead of myself? You bet your fucking life. But I can't help it. I feel it in my bones. Especially (strangely enough) in my left thumb that I broke in four places during a high school baseball game when possible 'Roid case Matt Johnston decided he was going to surprise your boy Young Billups (then known as Human Darren Daulton in the Flesh) with his, at that point untested, SLIDER. Thanks for the head's up, you fucking juicer! Hope you grew a pair of Moobs!

Here's the thing: it's too safe right now. People are already writing prose poems about the future glory of Phoenix-Dallas-Steel-Cage-Match. We're already anticipating the Watching-Old-People-Eat fireworks of Detroit's Sherman's March through the East. It's too easy!

"Well, I don't really have a frame of reference when you talk about your days at Simon Gratz. But I'm sure it was a formative experience, Broseph!"

Someone is gonna get got. Especially out West. Look, I know Dallas is a fucking machine. I read the box scores. Dirk and Avery? They like:

But you know what? If I'm the Little General, late at night -- after a physically rigorous round of Opus Dei-type prayer and my contractually-obligated viewing of Dan Rather on HDNET -- you know what stops me from sweet slumber? This fucking vision:



BACDAFUCUP, PEOPLE. This is why we play the games! Me? Speaking for myself? I wouldn't want it with 'Melo and AI in a series.

Impossible is nothing. It's just been a minute since somebody on the block got their shit twisted for fucking up the grind (Copyright Prodigy, HNIC). These teams are too fucking close. Squads like Phoenix and Dallas and San Antonio, they're getting too far away from the pack. Can't you see Dallas coming into a first round series with Denver like, LET'S SWEEP THESE BITCHES LIKE MAJOR PAYNE. And WHADDYA KNOW? The Nuggets put 110 on 'em in the first game and take the home court.

And while we're on the topic of dark horses, don't forget this fucking KEEP-IT-THORO-BRED:


Oh, I know dude has a paper mache spine. But him and Rafer are fucking up the game. MATTER OF FACT I DON'T WANNA SPEAK ABOUT THE RUCKER.

Hear me now and believe me later. When Tony Parker is already getting prepped for ABC's DANCING WITH THE CHICKENHEADS and Tim Duncan is scheduling off-season alto-sax lessons, the Rockets might just come through and open bottles on Pop's chipped tooth!

Besides, if it gets close can't you just see something like this playing out in the H-Town locker room:

Jeff Van Grizzly: Now, y'all have known me for awhile, and for a long time now you've been hearin' me talk about being perfect.

Well I want you to understand somethin'. To me, being perfect is not about that scoreboard out there. It's not about winning. It's about you and your relationship to yourself and your family and your friends.

Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didn't let them down, because you told them the truth. And that truth is that you did everything that you could. There wasn't one more thing that you could've done.

Can you live in that moment, as best you can, with clear eyes and love in your heart? With joy in your heart?

If you can do that gentlemen, then you're perfect.

I want you to take a moment. And I want you to look each other in the eyes. I want you to put each other in your hearts forever, because forever's about to happen here in just a few minutes.

I want you to close your eyes, and I want you to think about Yao Ming, who is your brother.

And he would die to be out there on that court with you tonight. And I want you to put that in your hearts.

Boys, my heart is full. My heart's full.


At 2/26/2007 10:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was at the last Denver@Dallas matchup. Avery dreams not of the positively-human AI or scrappy Melo. He dreams of a white point-guard whose style of play sickens him, yet thrashes him from the night into the playoffs.

3 rounds in.

At 2/26/2007 11:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

More Billups, please!

At 2/27/2007 12:24 AM, Blogger Dr. Lawyer IndianChief said...

just when everybody thought no big deadline deals went down, WE SIGNED BILLUPS.

At 2/27/2007 12:51 AM, Blogger Reno said...

That post was alive with the glory of love.

At 2/27/2007 1:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


...still in his prime

At 2/27/2007 1:47 AM, Blogger PostmanE said...

Unreal. Keep it coming.

At 2/27/2007 1:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

At last

At 2/27/2007 1:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

FD is now complete, and to think it happened on a day when I wore "The Classic Tee" to an intramural soccer game.

At 2/27/2007 7:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is kind of like a parody of a Freedarko post.

At 2/27/2007 8:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Forget Denver -- San Antonio is the team out west that could spoil a Phoenix vs. Dallas Western Conference Finals matchup.

At 2/27/2007 8:54 AM, Blogger Baltimark said...

Melo and AI don't keep Doc Rivers up at night.

Keep beating that AI drum, Yestermen. Is Denver even in the playoffs?

At 2/27/2007 9:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

San Antonio is the team out west that could spoil a Phoenix vs. Dallas Western Conference Finals matchup.

But I think San Antonio knocking out the Suns or Mavs is less "spoiling" and more "predictable events nobody outside the 210 wants to see".

(And yeah, maybe I did have to google the SA area code to sound hip. =/)

At 2/27/2007 10:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Houston = threatening
Denver = nonthreatening

At 2/27/2007 10:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yao Ming as Boobie Miles = total FD.

At 2/27/2007 11:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love the writing energy. It was good reading. The logic of denver even beating the mavs on a playstation game is in need of help though. Melo and AI need to take defense 101 cuz they couldnt stop jello at a bill cosby promo.
"Oh man howd that jello get here?!"

At 2/27/2007 12:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a post. And the images made sense to me! What the fuck is going on here?!

Oh, and Rockets over Pistons in 6.

At 2/27/2007 12:57 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

I second Houston as the real threat; Denver ain't making the playoffs - the Hornets are. They could make noise, too, but none of that matters - only this matters: Dallas. Houston. San Antonio. Possibly the Suns.

In the East: Raptors. Maybe Cleveland if the LBJ we're waiting for finally arrives. Detroit. Maybe Chicago (we give them a 7% chance).

Shaun Livingston makes me want to cry most times.

At 2/27/2007 2:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's a feeling I get every once in a while when i read some hotshot writer's perfect little set piece--a jealousy so great that its little more than despair. pynchon does it to me, and david foster wallace sometimes. chauncey b is the only writer on all the internets that i love so hard.

motherfather is a mad genius!

keep it coming like the next ice age, but preferably more regular.

At 2/27/2007 2:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If the knicks worked out a sign and trade with seattle in the off season, sending Frye, seattle-native Nate Robinson, a first round pick and Malik Rose (maybe they send rose and their first round pick to charlotte in exchange for othella harrington's expiring contract, then package harrington with Frye and Robinson) to the sonics for Rashard Lewis, would they be a 50 win team in the east?

that Ewing article has got me nostalgic for the playoffs in the Garden.

At 2/27/2007 3:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

see, i'd always hit freedarko after checking c-billups and seeing for the 100th time in a row that he hadn't posted. finally i'm not disappointed with this sequence of events.

At 2/27/2007 3:43 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

Anon 215: Doubt the Knicks could pull that off, but if they do, yeah, they are pretty close to a 50-win team. The Knicks as constituted now are a .500 team: Last 8 games: 4-4 Last 16 games: 8-8; last 20: 10-10; last 30: 15-15; last 38 games: 19-19. They have been consistantly mediocre for a while.

If they somehow acquired a forward who could regularly hit a perimeter shot, to compliment the interior game of Curry and the driving guards (Marbury, Crawford) that can draw fouls, then offensively they would have enough firepower to be close to 50 wins in the East (probably 47-48, really).

Chances of acquiring Lewis: 7%. Knicks fans should pray instead that Q-Rich can regain his shooting touch and become a Lewis lite.

At 2/27/2007 4:13 PM, Blogger Wild Yams said...

My bold prediction is that the Spurs are gonna be gone in the first round. The Lakers, Rockets & Jazz could all take them. The Spurs have nobody on the inside anymore (Elson & Oberto?) and their bench/role players are getting way too old to be able to consistently produce: Finley, Horry & Barry just aren't scaring anyone anymore. Duncan & Parker are gonna be Duncan & Parker, but Ginobili seems a bit off this year too. Duncan does seem hurt a bit by the lack of a true center to pair with, especially on the defensive end. Defense and inside scoring wins in the playoffs, and I don't think the Spurs have it this year.

At 2/27/2007 4:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Lewis-to-Knicks question got me wondering what sort of impact Lewis would have on the Magic. I think he'd put them at or above 50 wins, but it'd likely cost them Darko Milicic.

Oh, and perhaps the Klondike Krew should consider changing the site's name to FearDarko: 14 points, a career-high 16 rebounds, and 5 blocks last night in a win against the Bulls.

At 2/27/2007 4:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wild yams; for real? I'm not saying the Spurs are going to grind out another inexorable march to the Finals but the first round? Oh, wait up, I just looked back and saw that it's your 'bold' prediction; that makes sense, ok, but since I'm on the topic already I'll finish my thought. While the Spurs are old as hell and don't have any credible bigs beyond TD is there another team you would trust more to execute with cold precision in the clutch? The NBA is also so deficient in bigs right now, especially bigs with any kind of credible post game, that TD is still the best by a clear margin. I mean, Bynum's a few years away and Yao's not going to be anywhere near 100% if he makes it back at all, Boozer's solid but he gives up a few inches to TD and Okur just wants to shoot 3s and avoid banging in the paint. The Spurs aren't dominant and I don't think they have the firepower to get past the Suns or the Mavs but TD unleashed is a pretty serious equalizer for everyone else.

At 2/27/2007 5:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

jeru AND glenngarry in the same post? well done.

At 2/27/2007 6:53 PM, Blogger Greg Wissinger said...

What, no love in the west for the Kings? Who am I kidding, nobody likes the Kings. The Kings don't like the Kings. I concur, the Rockets are legit. Anyone claiming the Hornets will hit the playoffs must also be prepared for Peja to choke in the playoffs. Good news, though, I heard he's been jogging. I bet that helps his FG% under pressure.

At 2/27/2007 7:10 PM, Blogger T. said...

I second everyone who says "more billups"

c-bills, you've been missed. the king stay the king.

odd simon gratz fact - and1 mainstay AO rode the pine on 'Sheed's. team.

(by the way, this is my first official comment from overseas . . .)

At 2/27/2007 8:02 PM, Blogger Wild Yams said...

@Anon 4:45 re: the Spurs & a 1st round exit

It's most definitely a bold prediction, mostly because the playoffs are still months away. But I'm basing my prediction on a couple assumptions, namely that the Spurs stay in the #3 seed. This means that they'll most likely play the Rockets, Jazz or Lakers, all three of which I think would give the Spurs a lot of problems (provided they get healthy, which is another assumption I'm making). As it stands, the Spurs are 3-6 against those teams, having gone 1-2 against each of them (including a loss to the Jazz w/o Boozer, losses to the Rockets in one game w/o Yao and one w/o TMac, and a home loss to the Lakers w/o Lamar or Kwame).

True, Duncan is still the best big out of those 4 teams by a clear margin, but he's all alone in the frontcourt while those teams have a lot of decent bigs (admittedly, the Jazz are the weakest in this department). If Yao comes back, Duncan will have to help Oberto and Elson deal with him and Mutombo (and Juwan Howard to a lesser extent). Against the Lakers there's Bynum, Kwame & Odom, and with Utah you've got Boozer, Okur, Kirilenko and Millsap.

I wouldn't have made this prediction a couple weeks ago, because I would have thought for sure that the Spurs were gonna pick up some frontcourt help, but since they decided they're ready to go as is, I'm sticking by my bold prediction. Bowen absolutely can not handle Kobe and TMac anymore, and against Utah he might be needed to help keep AK-47 away from the basket (which he can't do either). In years past the reserves have come to the rescue, but they're so old and inconsistent now that I don't see them being able to help much in a seven game series.

So there you have it, my prediction is bold, and I do reserve the right to alter it if totally unforeseen developments transpire, but for now I'm sticking to it.

At 2/27/2007 9:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

billups with an FD byline!!!

voltron connected.

At 2/28/2007 11:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 3/01/2007 1:15 PM, Blogger Nate Jones said...

Don't ever count out the Spurs. They remind me so much of the 01-02 Lakers. They might be old, but win it comes down to it, they know how to win. The Spurs are also tops in point differential (usually a sign of a very good team) and have two players (Manu and TD) in the top ten in player efficiency. I don't think any other team in the league can boast that.

I've got the Spurs, Pistons, and Mavs as my favorites to win it all. Before D-Wade got hurt I also had Miami in there. I don't think phoenix will ever win a championship, and the sad part about that is that if they don't win it this year, they are going to be in some trouble salary cap wise (See: http://spurs.aolsportsblog.com/2007/01/22/why-the-suns-will-trade-shawn-marion-in-the-off-season/) So it's kind of now or never...

Regarding the Knicks and R. Lewis: Lewis is going to opt out, so the Knicks won't have an opportunity to do that deal with Seattle unless it's a sign and trade.

At 3/01/2007 1:43 PM, Blogger Nate Jones said...

Also, never discout a team that has big shot rob on it's team...that has to count for something, right?


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