While You Were Sleeping II: The Free Darko EVERY GAME PREVIEW

Last year, we previewed every player across the land. This year, the official Free Darko season preview foretells what will happen at every single contest. You see, in this Association of Professional Basketball, the parts are greater than its sum. No longer will we be subject to the games ESPN/TNT deem worthy of showing us (THANKS FOR NOTHING LAST YEAR, MIAMI). Each of us has league pass, if not in our cable boxes, then in our hearts and minds. Each Warriors/Bobcats game is as critical as Game 7 of the finals. And so we go forth, presenting to you how it will all go down. I'll set it off with October/November and the rest of the months will follow over the next few days:

Oct 28 Cleveland @ Boston. Darius Miles somehow gets a championship ring, eBays it.

Oct 28 Milwaukee @ Chicago. Chicago gets penalized for trying to put six guards in their starting line-up.

Oct 28 Portland @ L.A. Lakers. Greg Oden and Rudy Fernandez have a sword fight for rookie of the year honors.

Oct 29 Atlanta @ Orlando. Orlando loses, but Jameer Nelson cheers everybody up by taking the team out to Olive Garden.

Oct 29 Toronto @ Philadelphia. Jermaine O’Neal realizes he’s a Raptor mid-game, freaks out, disrobes.

Oct 29 New Jersey @ Washington. Experience Unlimited sings the national anthem.

Oct 29 Miami @ New York. Woody Allen and Spike Lee dress up as Mario and Luigi to celebrate halloween. Mike D’Antoni is offended.

Oct 29 Indiana @ Detroit. The Stuckey-Maxiell-Johnson era begins.

Oct 29 Sacramento @ Minnesota. Thousands of Minnesota girls faint from the sight of infinite beefiness in the form of Kevin Love and Spencer Hawes.

Oct 29 Milwaukee @ Oklahoma City. The first 10,000 fans receive a one gallon bucket of pure oil.

Oct 29 Phoenix @ San Antonio. This clash of “right way” vs “wrong way” basketball is ultimately decided by a biblical scholar.

Oct 29 Memphis @ Houston. Darko Milicic, Yao Ming, and Hamed Haddadi sign historic peace treaty.

Oct 29 Denver @ Utah. Anthony Carter laughs himself to sleep as he thinks about the fact that he is still a starting point guard in the NBA.

Oct 29 New Orleans @ Golden State. Stephen Jackson celebrates slam dunk by lifting shirt to reveal a “Free Monta Ellis” wife-beater.

Oct 29 L.A. Lakers @ L.A. Clippers. Billy Crystal, interviewed courtside, talks a ‘Forget Paris’ sequel.

Oct 30 Charlotte @ Cleveland. Michael Jordan loses 100 grand betting on the Bobcats.

Oct 30 Houston @ Dallas. Artest gets Yao’s name tattooed on his neck in Chinese.

Oct 30 New Orleans @ Phoenix. Robin Lopez wrestles the Phoenix Gorilla for the halftime show.

Oct 31 New York @ Philadelphia. Maurice Cheeks flaunts his niceness by charitably letting the Knicks win.

Oct 31 Golden State @ Toronto. Sam Mitchell gives an ornery halftime speech about how “things were different back in his day.”

Oct 31 Sacramento @ Miami. Michael Beasley jumps in the air to make a pass and is subsequently criticized around the country for his immaturity.

Oct 31 Chicago @ Boston. Darius Miles fulfills his lifelong dream of playing alongside KG. He promptly retires after the first half, then unretires to play in the fourth quarter.

Oct 31 Orlando @ Memphis. O.J. Mayo says “screw it” and throws the ball into the crowd after every made shot.

Oct 31 Denver @ L.A. Clippers. Elgin Baylor’s Coogi is retired.

Oct 31 San Antonio @ Portland. Portland beats San Antonio, are immediately picked to win the finals.

















Nov 01 Philadelphia @ Atlanta. Mike Woodson promises team a "return to the first round" if they just keep playing the right way.

Nov 01 Miami @ Charlotte. Larry Brown and Pat Riley spend pre-game photoshopping their heads on to promotional posters for 'Righteous Kill.'

Nov 01 Boston @ Indiana. Marquis Daniels reminds the world who he is.

Nov 01 Sacramento @ Orlando. Eric Musselman provides 43,000 word postgame analysis on his blog of Kevin Martin's defense.

Nov 01 Washington @ Detroit. Eddie Jordan suits up due to surplus of injuries.

Nov 01 Golden State @ New Jersey. Brook Lopez begins long, tragic season of being called worse than his brother.

Nov 01 Dallas @ Minnesota. Kevin Love scrappily, good-naturedly, hard-workingly gets posterized by Josh Howard.

Nov 01 Cleveland @ New Orleans. LeBron James purchases city of New Orleans, rebuilds 9th Ward, renames Saints "The Bubble Yums."

Nov 01 Memphis @ Chicago. Coach Iavaroni insists that his players call their style of play Iavaroni-Ball

Nov 01 Oklahoma City @ Houston. Kevin Durant enjoys the short flight home.

Nov 01 Toronto @ Milwaukee. Yi Jianlian jerseys are finally marked as on sale at Bradley Center pro shop.

Nov 01 L.A. Lakers @ Denver. Reporter at post-game press conference liveblogs, “Phil Jackson looks totally high right now.”

Nov 01 L.A. Clippers Utah. Jerry Sloan shows a look of utter disgust as the Jazz win.

Nov 01 Portland @ Phoenix. Sergio Rodriguez and Rudy Fernandez constantly get confused with each other.

Nov 02 Milwaukee @ New York. Stephon Marbury lectures Chris Duhon about the end of days.

Nov 02 Minnesota @ Oklahoma City. All in-uniform players arrested for breaking century-old Oklahoma law banning sleeveless clothing on men.

Nov 03 Detroit @ Charlotte. Larry Brown kisses Chauncey Billups' bald head. Sheed gives Larry a Carolina Hurricanes jersey. All is forgotten.

Nov 03 Chicago @ Orlando. Hedo Turkoglu demands that teammates refer to him as Turkish Delight.

Nov 03 Sacramento @ Philadelphia. Spencer Hawes promises the violence of "1000 Mogadishus" on Philadelphia, does not deliver.

Nov 03 Golden State @ Memphis. Rudy Gay and OJ Mayo perfect a play where they jump up in the air, give a chest bump, then dunk the ball at the same time.

Nov 03 Cleveland @ Dallas. Rick Carlisle is given a dreaded "vote of confidence" by Cuban in the paper before the game.

Nov 03 Utah @ L.A. Clippers. Baron Davis suddenly panics when finally realizing that Elton Brand is not on the team.

Nov 04 Phoenix @ New Jersey. Lopez brothers collide, temporarily suspend space-time continuum.

Nov 04 Boston @ Houston. Ron Artest shows off new defensive tactic of humping Paul Pierce's leg.

Nov 04 Dallas @ San Antonio. In hilarious hazing ritual, Mark Cuban is thrown overboard riverwalk before the game.

Nov 05 Phoenix @ Indiana. (I just took a full look at the Pacers' roster and realized how much they're gonna suck this year--no comment).

Nov 05 Detroit @ Toronto. Mike James somehow is not involved in this game.

Nov 05 Philadelphia @ Miami. Pat Riley attempts to fire himself at halftime, but gets into a disagreement with himself.

Nov 05 Charlotte @ New York. D'Antoni receives his first New York boos.

Nov 05 Chicago @ Cleveland. Larry Hughes gets his sweet revenge by scoring 13 points on 20 shots, with 4 steals, 4 turnovers and an ankle sprain.

Nov 05 Washington @ Milwaukee. Andray Blatche names himself team captain.

Nov 05 San Antonio @ Minnesota. Eva Longoria shows up to the game, inspiring Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty to deem November 5th "Eva Day" throughout the state of Minnesota.

Nov 05 Atlanta @ New Orleans. Atlanta holds Chris Paul to a season-low 24 points, 14 assists, and 5 steals, proving to everyone why they did not draft them.

Nov 05 Boston @ Oklahoma City. Instead of playing the Thunder, the Celtics just show up and sign autographs for the Thunder players and fans.

Nov 05 Portland @ Utah. The Jazz play terribly as a result of being hungover from their wild election night party involving russian strippers, PCP, and a lot of Guitar Hero.

Nov 05 Memphis @ Sacramento. Governor Schwarzenegger openly campaigns for more playing time for Donte Green.

Nov 05 Denver @ Golden State. Teams combine for a total 364 points.

Nov 05 L.A. Clippers @ L.A. Lakers. The Game sits courtside, as both Kobe and B-Diddy vy for his attention.

Nov 06 Philadelphia @ Orlando. Man with "FREE JJ" sign is forciblly removed from the arena.

Nov 06 Houston @ Portland. Yao/Rafer chickenfight Oden/Roy.

Nov 07 New Orleans @ Charlotte. Hornets' plan to wear throwback Charlotte jerseys goes horribly awry.

Nov 07 New York @ Washington. Clinton Portis shows up to the game dressed as Tony Clifton.

Nov 07 Toronto @ Atlanta. Zaza Pachulia calls the 990 people who showed up and cheered "the best fans in the world!"

Nov 07 Milwaukee @ Boston. Kevin Garnett knocks himself unconscious from slapping himself in the face repeatedly after a missed free throw.

Nov 07 Indiana @ Cleveland. Jeff Foster thinks that Ben Wallace has denied his pre-game handshake when in fact it was just that Wallace's hand is so small that Foster couldn't see it.

Nov 07 Detroit @ New Jersey. Vince Carter passes it to himself for a reverse jam.

Nov 07 Miami @ San Antonio. Gregg Popovich yells at his team relentlessly after a win.

Nov 07 Phoenix @ Chicago. A mistimed quip from Austin Powers 3: Goldmember plays over the loudspeaker after a Ben Gordon free throw.

Nov 07 Oklahoma City @ Utah. Thurl Bailey holds a postgame concert, closes with "A House is not a Home."

Nov 07 Minnesota @ Sacramento. Both teams agree to reenact Game 6 from the 2004 Western Conference Semi-finals.

Nov 07 Dallas @ Denver. In honor of '90s Night' at the Pepsi Center, both teams play like they suck...like in the 90s.

Nov 07 Memphis @ Golden State. Bloggers proclaim this triple-overtime contest "the greatest game ever played" after 99% of America goes to sleep before the game finishes.

Nov 07 Houston @ L.A. Clippers. Lakers championship banner accidentally falls from the rafters of Staples Center, smothering Marcus Camby.

Nov 08 New Jersey @ Indiana. Indiana fields whitest starting lineup in NBA history.

Nov 08 Washington @ Orlando. DeShawn Stevenson tries to convince reporters pre-game that Wizards-Magic have a "storied rivalry"

Nov 08 Miami @ New Orleans. Tyson Chandler perfects his new 360-double-pump block.

Nov 08 Cleveland @ Chicago. Obama attends game, goes unrecognized by 65% of players on both teams.

Nov 08 Phoenix @ Milwaukee. After watching Shaq having trouble keeping up with Andrew Bogut, Steve Kerr realizes he's in way over his head.

Nov 08 Minnesota @ Portland. Al Jefferson and Kevin Love invent new 12-part handshake.

Nov 09 Toronto @ Charlotte. Robert Johnson and Michael Jordan hold legendary after-party
for the African American cognoscenti. Tupac performs.

Nov 09 Utah @ New York. Eddy Curry, troubled by Mike D'Antoni's pace, vomits right in front of Lawrence Taylor sitting courtside.

Nov 09 Dallas @ L.A. Clippers. Donald Sterling gives Cuban a noogie.

Nov 09 Boston @ Detroit. The game itself crumbles under the pressure of unnecessary hype.

Nov 09 Atlanta @ Oklahoma City. After another loss, Kevin Durant reapplies to UT.

Nov 09 Memphis @ Denver. Antoine Walker launches 11 three-pointers, grimaces, talks post-game about how he is "mentoring the young guys."

Nov 09 Golden State @ Sacramento. Bobby Jones, Bobby Jackson, and Bobby Brown get matching "Bobby" jackets before the game.

Nov 09 Houston @ L.A. Lakers. Yao Ming decides to be a jerk, only talks to Sun Yue in English. 83,000,000 Chinese residents watch the game at 3am.




















Nov 10 Oklahoma City @ Indiana. Larry Bird wonders where he went so wrong.

Nov 10 Portland @ Orlando. Greg Oden experiences his first posterization.

Nov 10 Toronto @ Boston. Everyone on the court agrees that the whole Jermaine O'Neal-Peja-KG MVP debate in 2004 was pretty ridiculous.

Nov 10 New Jersey @ Miami. Jay-Z attends game, is the only person to stay for all four quarters.

Nov 10 Memphis @ Phoenix. Marko Jaric plays game completely unaware of where he is.

Nov 11 Denver @ Charlotte. Fight breaks out after Raymond Felton refers to Nene as "Maybyner."

Nov 11 Milwaukee @ Cleveland. LeBron goes for 80 points, misses free throw, Cleveland fans boo.

Nov 11 Utah @ Philadelphia. Philly fans become bored with Elton Brand, long for the days of Allen Iverson + 11 nobodies.

Nov 11 Atlanta @ Chicago. Tyrus Thomas gets fined for violating the league dress code policy by wearing a cape to the game.

Nov 11 L.A. Lakers @ Dallas. Lamar Odom is forced to come off the bench, completes final step in career of tragedy.

Nov 11 New York @ San Antonio. New Yorkers/San Antonions watch the game, reminiscing fondly about the Malik Rose trade.

Nov 11 Detroit @ Sacramento. Rodney Stuckey, Jason Maxiell, and Amir Johnson go to Coach Curry and demand to be called collectively, "Young Money."

Nov 11 Minnesota @ Golden State. Kelenna Azubuike dominates.
















Nov 12 Philadelphia @ Toronto. Sixers get turned away at the border when Louis Armstrong forgets his passport.

Nov 12 Atlanta @ Boston. KG supplexes Zaza Pachulia, just because.

Nov 12 Portland @ Miami. Oden misses game due to filming a commercial for Viagra.

Nov 12 Indiana @ New Jersey. Brooklyn residents extremely disappointed after being bused in to the Izod Center see the future team of their borough.

Nov 12 New York @ Memphis. During second quarter, Memphis fans tire of pretending to like Marc Gasol more than Pau.

Nov 12 San Antonio @ Milwaukee. Tony Parker shakes Bud Selig's hand, thinking that he is Bill Gates.

Nov 12 L.A. Lakers @ New Orleans. Kobe says something offputting to a reporter about the city's beignets, covers it up with assholish smile

Nov 12 Orlando @ Oklahoma City. Tony Battie is run out of town for reading to second graders the very un-Christian "Where The Sidewalk Ends" as part of the NBA's read to achieve program.

Nov 12 Utah @ Washington. Gilbert and Antawn Jamison wear matching tuxedos on the bench.

Nov 12 Sacramento @ L.A. Clippers. Game goes completely unnoticed by 86% of California residents.

Nov 12 Houston @ Phoenix. Networks still trying to play up Yao vs. Shaq matchup after all these years.

Nov 13 Denver @ Cleveland. Networks still trying to play up LeBron vs. Carmelo showdown after all these years.

Nov 13 Dallas @ Chicago. Bulls GM John Paxson for the 8th consecutive year realizes that his team has no reliable post presence on offense.

Nov 13 Detroit @ Golden State. Game completely melts John Hollingers mind by totally defying the laws of PER as Golden State wins.

Nov 14 Utah @ Charlotte. Raymond Felton still can't believe Deron Williams is better than him.

Nov 14 Philadelphia @ Indiana. Roy Hibbert continues a strong ROY campaign under the radar.

Nov 14 Washington @ Miami. Shawn Marion plays 300th consecutive underappreciated game.

Nov 14 Atlanta @ New Jersey. Entire state of New Jersey realizes team has a mascot, Sly, a fox evidently.

Nov 14 Oklahoma City @ New York. Danilo Gallinari fails to ingratiate himself to New York fans.

Nov 14 Denver @ Boston. After loss, Allen Iverson seeks high-ranking New England mafia figures to discuss forcing a trade to Boston.

Nov 14 Milwaukee @ Memphis. Growth of Kyle Lowry and Mike Conley Jr. becomes officially "stunted" by OJ Mayo's emergence.

Nov 14 Portland @ New Orleans. Raef Lafrentz just really surprised he's even allowed to travel with the team at this point.

Nov 14 Orlando @ Dallas. After Jameer Nelson absolutely schools Dallas, Cuban tries somehow to pin Jason Kidd trade on Don Nelson.

Nov 14 Houston @ San Antonio. Rockets lose, Tracy McGrady given a look at his entire life, encapsulated in one game.

Nov 14 Phoenix @ Sacramento. Brad Miller pivots endless, is all of a sudden stunned to find that Peja, Divac, Christie, Webber, and Bibby are no longer there.

Nov 14 Detroit @ L.A. Lakers. Kobe makes a really odd "More Cowbell" reference after a 3-point play. Bynum pretends to laugh.

Nov 15 Golden State @ L.A. Clippers. Clipper fans pretend to ignore Corey Maggette as he blows kisses and waves during player introductions.

Nov 15 New Jersey @ Atlanta. Josh Smith finally gets a triple-double in windmill dunks, blocks, and alley-oops.

Nov 15 Oklahoma City @ Philadelphia. During a timeout, Saer Sene finally recognizes Coach Carlesimo as “that guy who got choked” who he read about in Sports Illustrated for Kids.

Nov 15 Utah @ Cleveland. As fans boo, Carlos Boozer laughs to himself about all of the Cleveland fans who thought karma was going to catch up with him.

Nov 15 Portland @ Minnesota. The Brandon Roy/Randy Foye comparison is officially put to rest as Rashad McCants and Sebastian Telfair go a combined 4 for 22, failing to pass the ball to Foye once during the game.

Nov 15 Indiana @ Chicago. Benny the Bull, high out of his mind on whippits, takes his bull-head off and runs around United Center terrorizing children.

Nov 15 New Orleans @ Houston. After the game, Ron Artest and Bonzi Wells share one last slow dance on the court, in the dark, at Toyota Center.

Nov 15 Boston @ Milwaukee. Sam Cassell gripes about playing time as Boston wins 129-43.

Nov 16 Miami @ Toronto. Before the game, Jermaine O’Neal inspires a young Roko Ukic by telling him about growing up on the bench in Portland.

Nov 16 Orlando @ Charlotte. During a timeout, Adam Morrison kindly asks Coach Brown what happened to all of the Larry Bird comparisons that were made about him.

Nov 16 Dallas @ New York. Josh Howard and Stephon Marbury chat and decide to start a PR firm.

Nov 16 Minnesota @ Denver. The Denver altitude combined with Kevin Love’s poor conditioning forces Love to pass out and fall face first into a giant birthday cake.

Nov 16 Detroit @ Phoenix. Robin Lopez frustrates Rasheed Wallace into a rare three-technical foul game.

Nov 16 San Antonio @ Sacramento. Kevin Martin looks at Manu Ginobili’s eyes and sees the future.



















Nov 17 Houston @ Oklahoma City. P.J. Carlesimo amps up players before the game by reading them R.L. Stine's "Goosebumps."

Nov 17 Phoenix @ Utah. After Steve Nash gives Amare Stoudemire a behind-the-back alley-oop for a 180 dunk and a roving blimp drops Zunes down to the fans, Jerry Sloan grabs the PA mic and yells, "I'm getting too old for this crap!"

Nov 17 San Antonio @ L.A. Clippers. Post-game, Popovich promises Baron Davis that when his next contract runs out, SA will pick him up and get him a ring.

Nov 18 Dallas @ Charlotte. Larry Brown attempts to put entire team in his "doghouse" after poor performance.

Nov 18 Atlanta @ Indiana. Eddie Jones can't believe he's playing with this group of punks.

Nov 18 Toronto @ Orlando. Dwight Howard grows two inches over the course of four quarters.

Nov 18 Miami @ Washington. DeShawn Stevenson replaces "I Can't Feel My Face" gesture with much tamer weird arm motion from those old Pepsi commercials.

Nov 18 New York @ Boston. Pink Celtics hat becomes a bestseller in the pro shop.

Nov 18 Cleveland @ New Jersey. After dominating, LeBron realizes he would never play for the Nets in 100 years.

Nov 18 Sacramento @ Memphis. Bobby Jackson informs Hakim Warrick that the headband look is played out.

Nov 18 Milwaukee @ Denver. Carmelo Anthony accidentally caught on tape saying "Kill Whitey."

Nov 18 Portland @ Golden State. Andris Biedrins and Nellie finally duke it out, hug each other bloodily.

Nov 18 Chicago @ L.A. Lakers. Phil Jackson mistakes Vinny Del Negro as security guard, asks for a hot towel.

Nov 19 Washington @ Atlanta. Joe Johnson forgets to take his downers, goes off for 64 points.

Nov 19 Cleveland @ Detroit. Fans who wear fake fros to game to honor Ben Wallace are now seen as racist.

Nov 19 Toronto @ Miami. Michael Beasley does "The Lightning Bolt" after a dunk

Nov 19 Dallas @ Houston. Brandon Bass finally starts over Dirk.

Nov 19 Philadelphia @ Minnesota. Simone Augustus gets added to roster, dunks on Dalembert.

Nov 19 Sacramento @ New Orleans. Peja reveals to team before game that he never learned to read.

Nov 19 L.A. Clippers @ Oklahoma City. Durant makes unnoticed strides, wastes life away playing for Thunder.

Nov 19 Denver @ San Antonio. Smush Parker reinvents himself as a low post defender against Duncan.

Nov 19 Milwaukee @ Utah. AK-47 plays really sloppily due to using his "one night a year" the night before (I CANT BELIEVE I MADE THAT JOKE).

Nov 19 Chicago @ Portland. Chicago reeeeeeeeeeeally regretting trading LaMarcus Aldridge.

Nov 20 Detroit @ Boston. 'Sheed's swagger causes minor nuclear explosion.

Nov 20 L.A. Lakers @ Phoenix. Steve Nash builds a "towel igloo" on the sidelines to hide in when he's not in the game.

Nov 21 Orlando @ Indiana. Dwight Howard takes game as opportunity to practice for the dunk contest.

Nov 21 L.A. Clippers @ Philadelphia. Elton Brand half-snubs Mike Dunleavy's handshake. The snub is then analyzed for 20 minutes on 'Outside the Lines.'

Nov 21 New Jersey @ Toronto. Vince Carter reenacts this Nike commercial while stepping on to the court.

Nov 21 Houston @ Washington. Rockets win, but all Brent Barry wants to talk about after the game is that one time he won the dunk contest.

Nov 21 Charlotte @ Atlanta. Boxscore involves integers that we didn't even know existed.

Nov 21 Boston @ Minnesota. KG returns to PLAY at Target Center, refuses to mention Kevin McHale by name.

Nov 21 Memphis @ Dallas. Hakim Warrick puts Diop in a poster.

Nov 21 New York @ Milwaukee. Mike D'Antoni all of a sudden wonders where Shaq and Steve Nash are.

Nov 21 Utah @ San Antonio. 100 Iraqi Veterans get to sit courtside, fall asleep during the game.

Nov 21 New Orleans @ Oklahoma City. Earl Watson-John Lucas III point guard battle heats up.

Nov 21 Portland @ Sacramento. Reggie Theus tries to call a timeout while in the air.

Nov 21 Chicago @ Golden State. Monta Ellis keeps tally of fouls on bench.

Nov 21 Denver @ L.A. Lakers. Kobe's pinky falls off.

Nov 22 Milwaukee @ Charlotte. Larry Brown has a cold, litters bench with kleenex.

Nov 22 Houston @ Orlando. Adonal Foyle plays. Nobody on Orlando believe that Adonal Foyle is in the league.

Nov 22 Atlanta @ Cleveland. Damon Jones is roundly ignored by everyone in the arena.

Nov 22 Indiana @ Miami. Mid-game Eddie Jones has epihpany, can't believe he hasn't earned a ring by now.

Nov 22 L.A. Clippers @ New Jersey. Chris Kaman sports Willie Nelson pigtails.

Nov 22 Washington @ New York. Eddie Jordan pregame speech involves mention of his Laker days. None of the Wizards believe he played on those teams.

Nov 22 Utah @ Memphis. Darko makes a basket on Utah's hoop.

Nov 22 Oklahoma City @ New Orleans. The FD crew flies down to NO to give Julian Wright a custom-made Free Darko "Reverend Wright" t-shirt.

Nov 22 Portland @ Phoenix. Oden and Amare get down Ewing & Hakeem-style while Shaq takes fluid injections on the bench.










Nov 23 Boston @ Toronto. JO and Bosh provide a tough matchup for Boston that may in fact trouble them deeper in the playoffs.

Nov 23 Golden State @ Philadelphia. Donyell Marshall begins collecting dust.

Nov 23 Minnesota @ Detroit. Michael Curry reveals coaching skills, steady trajectory toward would-be coach-of-the-year honors.

Nov 23 Chicago @ Denver. Tyrus Thomas and JR Smith fuse into one person.

Nov 23 Sacramento @ L.A. Lakers. Bynum is benched for refusing to do Phil Jackson's pre-game yoga routine.

Nov 24 Philadelphia @ Charlotte. Andre Iguodala plays tenatively.

Nov 24 Milwaukee @ Orlando. Montage of famous Scott Skiles moments is played on jumbotron before game.

Nov 24 Houston @ Miami. Ron Artest relives famous jawing-with-Riley episode.

Nov 24 San Antonio @ Memphis. Popovich literally coaches game with one hand behind his back just to see if he can do it, Spurs win.

Nov 24 Chicago @ Utah. Derrick Rose vs. Deron Williams will be legendary.

Nov 24 Sacramento @ Portland. Przybilla gets busy.

Nov 24 New Orleans @ L.A. Clippers. Baron Davis shaves "Screen Actors Guild" into his hair.

Nov 25 Golden State @ Washington. Etan Thomas pumps up crowd with a slam poem about gentrification.

Nov 25 Cleveland @ New York. Mayor Bloomberg shows up to give LeBron the key to the city of New York.

Nov 25 Phoenix @ Oklahoma City. Oklahoma fans finally learn the words to "Rock N Roll Part 2," experience self-congratulation.

Nov 25 Indiana @ Dallas. Travis Diener breakthrough game.

Nov 25 New Jersey @ L.A. Lakers. Kobe going at Vince somehow saddens everybody watching the game.

Nov 26 Milwaukee @ Atlanta. Josh Childress makes a special video-call in to the Atlanta jumbotron to tell everybody that he's thinking of them.

Nov 26 Oklahoma City @ Cleveland. First 1000 fans get a special LeBron James autographed nail file.

Nov 26 Charlotte @ Toronto. Alexis Ajinca feels at home in Canada, cries when the team has to leave.

Nov 26 Golden State @ Boston. Rajon Rondo gets three thousand "tommy points" for making the extra pass.

Nov 26 Orlando @ Philadelphia. FIRST ROUND PREVIEW ALERT.

Nov 26 New York @ Detroit. Mike D'Antoni kind of can't believe that Q-Rich is still doing the knock-on-his-head thing after a made three-pointer.

Nov 26 Phoenix @ Minnesota. After Minnesota shockingly upsets the Suns, they celebrate with champagne, their lockers having been already prepared with plastic protection just in case.

Nov 26 Indiana @ Houston. After another strong win for Houston, Tracy McGrady says, "I really don't see how anything could go wrong this year that would prevent us from making it past the first round of the playoffs."

Nov 26 Chicago @ San Antonio. Vinny Del Negro is welcomed back to SA with a heroes salute, flowers are tossed on the floor for him.

Nov 26 Memphis @ Utah. In the locker room during halftime, Kyrylo Fesenko is in mid-Jerry Sloan impression when Sloan walks up right behind him. Unable to understand Deron Williams' worried throat-slash gesture, Fesenko embarrassingly gets himself into quite a bit of hot water.

Nov 26 Miami @ Portland. Let's just say Chris Quinn's myspace page is gonna blow up after this game.

Nov 26 New Jersey @ Sacramento. Chris Douglas-Roberts gets his.

Nov 26 Denver @ L.A. Clippers. HUGE Marcus Camby revenge game.




















Nov 27 Orlando @ Washington. Hilarious TNT Thanksgiving montage reveals the head of Charles Barkley placed on a turkey.

Nov 27 New Orleans @ Denver. Carmelo goes for 60 while commentators note that James Posey makes New Orleans a contender

Nov 28 Atlanta @ Toronto. Chris Bosh skips game to film YouTube skit of him lip-synching to Hall & Oates.

Nov 28 Philadelphia @ Boston. Nope, Philadelphia still not as good as Boston.

Nov 28 Golden State @ Cleveland. LeBron James decides before the game to begin the "Muslim phase" of his storied career.

Nov 28 Milwaukee @ Detroit. Amir Johnson argues with Rasheed Wallace about how 50 Cent is better than Biggie.

Nov 28 Charlotte @ Indiana. FSN Indiana plays an awesome halftime segment about Sean May's Indiana ties.

Nov 28 Minnesota @ Oklahoma City. After watching a particularly ugly game, Thunder asks Seattle if they would like their team back.

Nov 28 Miami @ Phoenix. Shaq gains an extra 5 pounds for this game, just to spite Pat Riley.

Nov 28 Memphis @ San Antonio. Gregg Popovich psyches out Memphis by talking about how good they are before the game.

Nov 28 Sacramento @ Utah. Jerry Sloan exeriences a flashback from the 80s, tells Boozer to "get a body on Tisdale."

Nov 28 New Orleans @ Portland. Coach Nate McMillan has a nervous breakdown resulting from the high expectations placed on his team.

Nov 28 Dallas @ L.A. Lakers. Kobe just generally weirds out everybody by taking game off to celebrate Mauritanian Independence Day.

Nov 29 Boston @ Charlotte. Gerald Wallace and Larry Brown beginning discussing their clear generation gap.

Nov 29 Indiana @ Orlando. Hedo Turkoglu purchases discotheque and whores to console himself after loss.

Nov 29 Atlanta @ Washington. Mike Woodson and Eddie Jordan keep a straight face when discussing "Southeast Conference supremacy."

Nov 29 Golden State @ New York. Nellie drinks a case of Coors Light during postgame press conference.

Nov 29 Oklahoma City @ Memphis. Javaris Crittendon gets a 5 x 5, doesn't know what one is.

Nov 29 Denver @ Minnesota. George Karl is shocked when his season-long gameplan to "play better defense" goes up in smoke.

Nov 29 San Antonio @ Houston. Texas Secessionist Organization gets group rate on tickets, becomes unruly during game, forced to leave during third quarter.

Nov 29 Cleveland @ Milwaukee. Smug basketball columnists manage to work in something to their game summary about how much better Michael Redd would have been had he signed with the Cavs.

Nov 29 New Jersey @ Utah. Entire Nets team giggles when Lawrence Frank begins his halftime speech standing on a chair saying, "NOW LETS CUT THE BULLSHIT."

Nov 29 Dallas @ Sacramento. Maloof Brothers burn briefcases full of $100 bills during halftime show to demonstrate how well they are coping with the recession.

Nov 29 Miami @ L.A. Clippers. Both teams agree to ignore Jason Williams when he comes out of retirement.

Nov 30 Portland @ Detroit. To Rasheed Wallace's surprise, the ball ends up lying to him when he misses a free throw after very clearly getting fouled.

Nov 30 Chicago @ Philadelphia. Andre Miller gets on everybody's nerves.

Nov 30 Houston @ Denver. Rafer Alston eats an awesome vegan breakfast before the game.

Nov 30 New Jersey @ Phoenix. Shaq proclaims himself the "Big Butter Churner."

Nov 30 Toronto @ L.A. Lakers. Elie Seckbach interviews Andrea Bargnani about the true meaning of Hanukah.