While You Were Sleeping V: The Free Darko EVERY GAME PREVIEW

Who cares about predictions about playoff seeds or projected team records when you can find out how each and every game is going to go down? Amongst a sea of speculation and guesses, only Free Darko has the stones to tell you how exactly how this season is going to unfurl. Over the next few days, we will be previewing all 1,230 games. Today we take a look at February. Past previews can be found here.

Feb 01 Minnesota @ Boston - Keeping his word that last year's championship was "for 'Sota," KG makes both teams play with the ball on top of the LOB. The game finally slows to a pace Kevin Love can handle.

Feb 01 Orlando @ Toronto - Jermaine O'Neal psychs himself up for the game by telling himself that Stuff, Orlando's vastly inferior dinosaur mascot, doesn't deserve to jump off the same trampoline as the Raptor.

Feb 01 Cleveland @ Detroit - After that Game 5, expectations for LeBron in Detroit will always be too high. So it's a little disappointing when he goes for 26 and leads the Cavs to a 88-83 win.

Feb 01 Oklahoma City @ Sacramento - Durant and Martin face off in one of the most impressive duels of the season, with both players scoring 40 points. Except Martin takes fifteen fewer field goals.

Feb 02 Dallas @ Orlando - Jason Kidd passes the ball off the backboard to Dirk for an open 17-footer.

Feb 02 Memphis @ Washington - Upset that they never played together at USC, Nick Young and OJ Mayo devise a plan to team up during the game. They refuse to pass to each other and finish with their averages.

Feb 02 L.A. Clippers @ Miami - Chris Kaman becomes interested in the more alternative sort of South Beach nightlife and attends a screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He wears no costume, but the crowd mistakes him for the actor who played Riff Raff and buys him drinks the entire night. The next day, he fouls out in 15 minutes.

Feb 02 L.A. Lakers @ New York - With the Watchmen premiere just over a month away, Kobe pretends he's Rorschach and starts acting out his favorite scenes around New York. He imagines MSG is Ozymandias's lair and scores 55 in the win.

Feb 02 Portland @ New Orleans - Oden and Chandler make a pregame bet to see who can score on nothing but dunks. Oden loses when he blocks a Julian Wright runner into the basket on the other side.

Feb 02 Sacramento @ Phoenix - Spencer Hawes passes his time on the bench by leering at Cindy McCain from across the court.

Feb 02 Charlotte @ Utah - Sloan and Brown both spend the entire game yelling "rotate" and "box out" at top volume. After his contacts fall out right before halftime, a confused Okur trusts his ears and accidentally heads into the visitor's locker room.

Feb 02 San Antonio @ Golden State - Maggette wonders what might have been as the Spurs cruise to a big early lead. He regains his faith when Stephen Jackson hits four consecutive contested threes to cut the lead to two with five minutes left.

Feb 03 Toronto @ Cleveland - LeBron looks at Anthony Parker and wonders why Ferry can't get him just one guy like that.

Feb 03 Minnesota @ Indiana - Mike Miller, finally submitting to his fate, lobbies for a trade to the Pacers.

Feb 03 Boston @ Philadelphia - A convincing enough win for the Sixers that pundits openly start to doubt the Celtics. Celtics fans begin to get excited in private, knowing that they will soon be able to claim disrespect.

Feb 03 Milwaukee @ New Jersey - Joe Alexander and Yi plan a walking tour of NYC's Chinatown before the game, but xenophobe Skiles bars Joe from carousing with our closest economic competitors. Michael Redd, who grew fond of China during the Olympics, refuses to play. The Nets still lose.

Feb 03 Chicago @ Houston - Last time Rose played in Houston, he controlled the region to send Memphis to the Final Four. Now he's letting Rafer Alston get 20 points to push the Rockets over the top.

Feb 03 San Antonio @ Denver - JR Smith takes all the shots in the last four minutes. This time they go in, and the Nuggets win 104-95.

Feb 04 L.A. Clippers @ Orlando - One Dwight Howard is still much, much better than Camby and Kaman.

Feb 04 L.A. Lakers @ Toronto - Forever scared of Kobe, Smitch has the Raptors triple-team him every time he touches the ball. Fisher, Sasha, and Farmar all hit for 20 in an easy Lakers win.

Feb 04 New Jersey @ Washington - President Obama watches his first game at the Verizon Center. Gilbert scores 46 to get back at him for picking Biden.

Feb 04 Miami @ Detroit - Stuckey takes his Wade mimicry to new heights, countering his every move and holding him to just 10 points on 3/13 shooting.

Feb 04 Cleveland @ New York - The paparazzi spend all day trying to get shots of LeBron buying pizza-by-the-slice, but Zydrunas ends up dominating the game with 24 points on 10/14 shooting.

Feb 04 Houston @ Memphis - Rudy Gay scores 32 points, and everyone in Houston realizes they'd be the clear favorite if they had him instead of Battier.

Feb 04 Atlanta @ Minnesota - Corey Brewer picks his afro way out, hoping that the Hawks will decide he can fill the Childress gap.

Feb 04 Chicago @ New Orleans - Luol Deng leads all scorers in a surprising win, but no one claims he's about to break out.

Feb 04 Denver @ Oklahoma City - Remembering last year's 168-116 shootout, the Nuggets announcers claim that this game will feature scoring "til the cows come home." The Thunder announcers say the same thing, but they know that the Ford Center houses cattle overnight.

Feb 04 Portland @ Dallas - Tired of a lack of attention, Aldridge ties his career high with 36 points and neutralizes Bass.

Feb 04 Phoenix @ Golden State - One person in the world calls this a matchup of two running teams. That man is Jon Barry.

Feb 05 Indiana @ Philadelphia - No one's quite sure what went down, but Travis Diener is no longer allowed in the state of Pennsylvania.

Feb 05 L.A. Lakers @ Boston - Bynum finally teaches Perk some humility, and Kenny and Charles argue that LA would have won last year with a healthy squad. Bostonians huddle up and rehearse their talking points.

Feb 05 Dallas @ Utah - ESPN execs issue a one-year moratorium on all comparisons to Jason Kidd.

Feb 06 Atlanta @ Charlotte - May's out with a groin injury, which forces Brown into playing Gerald at the four. Reinvigorated, he and Josh Smith both notch 5x4's, but the Bobcats lose by 12. Gerald comes off the bench for the next week.

Feb 06 Orlando @ Indiana - Forty-seven Orlando fans head to the Trade Machine to figure out a way to get Brandon Rush.

Feb 06 Boston @ New York - Chris Duhon pulls off a triple-double with 12 points, 10 assists, and 11 falls into the basket standard.

Feb 06 L.A. Clippers @ Memphis - Haddadi confirms that the league is run by a Jew.

Feb 06 Toronto @ New Orleans - Sure, David West plays this one in a jester's cap, but how 'bout that Chris Paul?

Feb 06 Portland @ Oklahoma City - Desperate for a rivalry, OKC fans load up on coffee and wear flannel. Oden gives Durant a good hug.

Feb 06 Denver @ Washington - Caron makes the leap to the red Mountain Dew.

Feb 06 Utah @ Sacramento - Kosta Koufos gets shipped back to Europe to work on his game.

Feb 06 Golden State @ Phoenix - Randolph and Shaq guard each other towards the end of the half. Shaq swears he'll never guard a point guard again.

Feb 07 L.A. Clippers @ Atlanta - Josh Smith locks up his All-Star spot. A jealous Camby asks the Clips' backcourt not to try so hard.

Feb 07 Miami @ Philadelphia - Reggie Evans gets hip to the environment, asks everyone to refer to him as a green-collar type of player.

Feb 07 Denver @ New Jersey - Noted Disney fiend Brook Lopez finds out Yi attended the premiere of the Shrek the Third, thereby ending the friendship.

Feb 07 Toronto @ Memphis - Kyle Lowry finishes with 11 points (0/7 FG, 11/13 FT), six assists, seven turnovers, and six fouls.

Feb 07 Chicago @ Dallas - Jose Barea wishes he were big.

Feb 07 Minnesota @ Houston - A pipe bursts in the visitor's locker room. Everyone looks right at Brian Cardinal.

Feb 07 Detroit @ Milwaukee - Luc Richard Mbah a Moute takes Arron Afflalo to his favorite spots in town, but they can only reenact the opening to Laverne and Shirley so many times.

Feb 08 San Antonio @ Boston - For the rest of the season, whenever a Celtics fan complains about a lack of respect, he cites this victory.

Feb 08 L.A. Lakers @ Cleveland - A disappointment, but we'll all come back the next time anyway.

Feb 08 Charlotte @ Miami - Shannon Brown can't believe it.

Feb 08 New Jersey @ Orlando - With the Nets down 15 four minutes into the third quarter, VC informs Lawrence Frank that his ankle hurts.

Feb 08 New York @ Portland - Jamal Crawford pretends this is his homecoming game, goes off for 35.

Feb 08 Indiana @ Washington - Mike Dunleavy visits the Smithsonian specifically to see the original Kermit muppet.

Feb 08 Minnesota @ New Orleans - Telfair hangs with Paul for about ten minutes. It's considered a moral victory.

Feb 08 Sacramento @ Oklahoma City - Unfazed by the smell of manure, the Kings treat this one like a home game and win in a rout.

Feb 08 Phoenix @ Detroit - Raja hits his funny bone really bad on Rip's mask.

Feb 08 Utah @ Golden State - Desperate for an answer against the Jazz, Nellie starts a big lineup of Jackson, Randolph, Wright, Harrington, and Biedrins. Monta leads the team in rebounds with eight (all offensive), and Utah wins by 26.

Feb 09 L.A. Clippers @ Charlotte - The All-Davis perimeter lineup is a surprising success. It turns out Paul was meant to be a SF all along.

Feb 09 Phoenix @ Philadelphia - Sarver fields questions on Iguodala, tells reporters to remember what pays for their buffet.

Feb 09 New Orleans @ Memphis - Retro Jersey Night gives Jared Jordan a seizure.

Feb 09 Houston @ Milwaukee - Dan Gadzuric experiences a fit of nationalism and starts wearing lots of orange. Milwaukee fans embrace it, thinking he really likes hunting.

Feb 10 Washington @ Atlanta - Up 13 late, Mike Bibby goes crazy and calls a set play.

Feb 10 Cleveland @ Indiana - Ben Wallace becomes the first player to cherry-pick on defense.

Feb 10 Denver @ Miami - Beasley and Melo trade identical baskets for the first ten minutes of the game.

Feb 10 San Antonio @ New Jersey - In the pregame, Mark Jackson calls it a rematch of the 2003 Finals. The final three GMs take him out of their rolodexes.

Feb 10 Toronto @ Minnesota - The Raptors give Kris Humphries extra tickets to the game, boosting his total allotment from two to four.

Feb 10 Detroit @ Chicago - Ben Gordon starts, decides he can now demand $14 million on the open market.

Feb 10 Sacramento @ Dallas - Antoine Wright accidentally steps out of bounds six times.

Feb 10 New York @ Golden State - A new record for missed threes.

Feb 10 Oklahoma City @ L.A. Lakers - Lamar Odom goes down with what looks like a grisly knee injury, but it turns out he'll only miss four-to-six weeks. Most people think he should have been out much longer.

Feb 11 Washington @ Charlotte - After another disappointing game for Augustin, Michael Jordan vows to start watching ESPN on Monday nights, thus doubling his consumption of college basketball.

Feb 11 Phoenix @ Cleveland - Robin Lopez gets his own pair of goggles, but he just ends up quoting the Simpsons episode where they make the Radioactive Man movie.

Feb 11 Denver @ Orlando - Chucky Atkins gets his vengeance.

Feb 11 Memphis @ Philadelphia - Kareem Rush has his requisite awesome game for the year.

Feb 11 San Antonio @ Toronto - Tony Parker headbutts Bargnani in the chest after a particularly dirty comment about Eva.

Feb 11 Atlanta @ Detroit - Chauncey Billups retains his nickname after hitting a three to beat the spread.

Feb 11 Indiana @ Milwaukee - Seriously, look at the other games on this night. The timekeeper doesn't even show up to this one.

Feb 11 Boston @ New Orleans - Paul falls one rebound short of a triple-double, Pierce hits for 30, and the Hornets win on a "controversial" no-call involving a 40-foot airball at the buzzer by Rondo.

Feb 11 Sacramento @ Houston - Rockets fans wonder who that Greene kid is.

Feb 11 L.A. Lakers @ Utah - Kobe takes just six foul shots despite getting the full Harpring treatment. The Lakers win by six, but Utah fans still find a way to complain about it.

Feb 11 Oklahoma City @ Portland - Angry Sonics fans make the trip down from Seattle ready for blood. Once it tips off, though, everyone just wants to get the game over with. Durant scores 35 in the loss, but it's all joyless.

Feb 11 New York @ L.A. Clippers - Nate Robinson spends all day drinking milkshakes in drug stores, hoping to be discovered.

Feb 12 Miami @ Chicago - TNT finds that the 40th time's the charm when it comes to running Bulls-Heat games.

Feb 12 Boston @ Dallas - Stackhouse informs Ainge that he will take a pay cut.

Feb 12 Portland @ Golden State - Marco develops some serious Rudy envy.

Feb 13 Rookie Game - Brook and Robin Lopez have been looking forward to this one all year, but Rookies Coach Doug Collins decides to teach them the virtues of independence and refuses to play them together. Durant makes ten threes to shame Daniel Gibson.

Feb 13 Celebrity Game - The NBA informs Frankie Muniz that he's not a celebrity anymore. Bow Wow laughs, tempting fate.

Feb 14 D-League All-Star Game - Nick Fazekas wins MVP, but they misspell his name on his complimentary Denny's gift certificates.

Feb 14 Legends Classic - Allan Houston finally gets some playing time.

Feb 14 Shooting Stars Competition - Everyone remembers last year's stunning upset, when the big man team of Tim Duncan, David Robinson, and Becky Hammon won to prove the doubters wrong. Unfortunately, John McCain looks into Hammon's eyes, decides she's KGB, and bars her from competing in the name of his state's interests, thereby depriving the team of a chance to defend their title. The Lakers/Sparks squad of Magic Johnson, Derek Fisher, and Sasha Vujacic wins, but they're disqualified when everyone remembers that they only crack jokes about Sasha playing in the WNBA. Bill Laimbeer, Chauncey Billups, and Deanna Nolan win by default, but the entire event is marred by a protest organized by Candace Parker and Diana Taurasi, who claim that 2Ball afforded the league more publicity.

Feb 14 Three-Point Contest - A month after his disappearance, Jason Kapono rematerializes just in time to win another title.

Feb 14 Slam Dunk Contest - Dwight bows out in the first round after Shaq convinces him to one-up himself and use the costume from Steel as a prop. ... Bill Walker plans to leap-frog Beasley, who decides to step out of the way at the last minute. Walker goes down and everyone assumes he's torn both knees, but he only misses the first game after the break. ... Russell Westbrook makes the finals, but he fails to impress as everyone realizes that he's more of an in-game dunker. ... Gerald Green comes out on top after browning a creme brulee on the rim.

Feb 15 All-Star Game - With the Olympians leading the way, both sides finally realize that forced showmanship cannot beat five awesome basketball players running and forcing turnovers on D. Chris Paul gets the MVP as the West wins 143-137, but he breaks the trophy with a hammer and gives a piece to every participant.

Feb 17 Philadelphia @ Indiana - Needing a pick-me-up, Troy Murphy starts reading Dr. Seuss again.

Feb 17 Charlotte @ Orlando - Adonal picks an Orhan Pamuk novel for the team book club, putting Hedo in a very awkward situation.

Feb 17 Minnesota @ Washington - Dominic McGuire prank calls Pecherov, tells him that President's Day got pushed to Tuesday because of the All-Star Break.

Feb 17 Milwaukee @ Detroit - Curry promises everyone ice cream if the Pistons win.

Feb 17 San Antonio @ New York - D'Antoni gets hit hard by flashbacks, orders Kurt Thomas to guard Duncan.

Feb 17 New Orleans @ Oklahoma City - This one only hurts the OKC fans more. With the two teams at opposite ends of the league table, 75% of the crowd just drops the pretense and openly boos everyone other than Durant and Green.

Feb 17 New Jersey @ Houston - Carl Landry indirectly starts a movement to democratize China.

Feb 17 L.A. Clippers @ Phoenix - After a hard foul from Baron, Nash says that those free throw antics in January weren't even that funny.

Feb 17 Memphis @ Utah - Angling for a trade, Kirilenko makes everyone on the plane watch an R-rated movie.

Feb 17 Atlanta @ L.A. Lakers - The Lakers limit the Hawks to 97 points. The fans realize that Jack in the Box tacos are awful.

Feb 18 Indiana @ Charlotte - Adam Morrison finally gives in and trims those sideburns. The mustache stays.

Feb 18 Cleveland @ Toronto - The Cavs lose by 10 after a big game from Calderon. The fans clamor for a deadline deal, preferably one involving a backcourt defender.

Feb 18 Minnesota @ Miami - Beasley scores 28 in the win, while Love finishes with as many points as fouls. McHale hears that the trade talk from this summer was all a smokescreen, doesn't believe it.

Feb 18 Chicago @ Milwaukee - Skiles thinks Rose dribbles too much.

Feb 18 Orlando @ New Orleans - Melvin Ely discovers Flight of the Conchords and has entirely too much fun at Sean Marks's expense.

Feb 18 Denver @ Philadelphia - AI's return to Philly gets overshadowed by massive trade rumors involving a deal that would send him and Kleiza to the Bulls for Hinrich, Nocioni, and Tyrus Thomas. On ESPN's halftime show, Stephen A. claims the deal fell through when George Karl complained that Hinrich was too much of a true point guard for their offense.

Feb 18 New Jersey @ Dallas - Devin Harris gets way more attention than he has ever deserved.

Feb 18 Memphis @ Portland - The subject of the next Ken Burns documentary, if Ken Burns watched basketball.

Feb 18 Atlanta @ Sacramento - Reggie Theus unveils some strategies he picked up while announcing for Slamball. The Hawks are intrigued.

Feb 18 L.A. Lakers @ Golden State - Pining for his old teammate, Ronny Turiaf dances after Sasha makes a three. Nellie lets it slide.

Feb 18 Phoenix @ L.A. Clippers - Baron buys Nash a new razor scooter, and all is forgotten.

Feb 19 Trade Deadline - Ferry trades Sasha Pavlovic and a second-rounder to New Jersey for Keyon Dooling, but he convinces fifteen other GMs to swap second-rounders to make it seem like a blockbuster trade. Pritchard somehow ends up with four of the picks.

Feb 19 San Antonio @ Detroit - Duncan finishes with his customary 20, 10, and 3 in the win, but all anyone can talk about is Salim Stoudamire's one big game of the year.

Feb 19 Boston @ Utah - Harpring cuts the bullshit and plays in shoulder pads, but Sloan refuses to give him helmet stickers.

Feb 20 Orlando @ Charlotte - Word leaks that Coach K is letting JJ Redick stay at his house. The Magic do not visit him.

Feb 20 Washington @ New Jersey - Ryan Anderson debuts his series of one-acts, all of which feature Josh Boone in a leading role.

Feb 20 Toronto @ New York - Baked Ziti Night is a resounding success.

Feb 20 Dallas @ Houston - Shane Battier takes the Platonic charge.

Feb 20 Sacramento @ Memphis - Darko makes a three, validating everything Chad Ford has ever written.

Feb 20 Indiana @ Minnesota - Wittmann and O'Brien organize a dual bake sale. You know, just for fun.

Feb 20 Denver @ Chicago - Hinrich dishes out a season-high nine assists -- two more than the entire Denver team -- but the Nuggets win by seven. Karl proves his point.

Feb 20 Cleveland @ Milwaukee - Dooling scores 10 points and dishes four assists in 20 minutes, which gets everyone talking about the Cavs as a potential Eastern champion.

Feb 20 Oklahoma City @ Phoenix - Hack-a-Shaq is officially retired.

Feb 20 Atlanta @ Portland - Blazers assistant Maurice Lucas does much press on the republication of Breaks of the Game.

Feb 20 New Orleans @ L.A. Lakers - A classic that sets up Kobe as the frontrunner for MVP, although it does little to clarify which team looks like the favorite.

Feb 21 Philadelphia @ Miami - Beasley's "Baked Alaska" nickname for Chalmers finally catches on.

Feb 21 San Antonio @ Washington - The Spurs realize it's late February and figure they better start trying again.

Feb 21 Sacramento @ Dallas - An exciting battle between young and old retread centers.

Feb 21 New Orleans @ Utah - Chandler steals Boozer's gold medal.

Feb 21 Oklahoma City @ Golden State - Joe Smith receives scattered applause.

Feb 22 Chicago @ Indiana - Everyone in attendance writes a villanelle about Danny Granger's status as the most underrated player in the league.

Feb 22 Denver @ Milwaukee - The Bucks get together to watch the Oscars after the game. Swingman Ron Howard swears he has one of those.

Feb 22 New York @ Toronto - Marbury attempts to defect, yet somehow fails.

Feb 22 Boston @ Phoenix - Leandro finally starts going by one name. Everyone's surprised when he chooses "Hank."

Feb 22 Charlotte @ Houston - Joey Crawford gives Brent Barry his makeup call for that play against the Lakers last playoffs.

Feb 22 Miami @ Orlando - Mickael Pietrus discovers Mickey ears.

Feb 22 L.A. Clippers @ Portland - Angry that he wasn't traded, Travis Outlaw lets Paul Allen know that he's a Mac.

Feb 22 L.A. Lakers @ Minnesota - After telling everyone that "machines don't sleep," Sasha stays up for three days before succumbing to a particularly dull stretch of the second half.

Feb 22 Detroit @ Cleveland - Dooling can't stop the Pistons guard troika in the loss, putting an end to the Ferry praise after three days. Danny still thinks it was worth it.

Feb 23 Philadelphia @ New Jersey - Royal Ivey searches for answers to what happened to Tony Soprano.

Feb 23 Indiana @ New York - Spike tries to antagonize Troy Murphy, but a She Hate Me zinger ends it.

Feb 23 Boston @ Denver - Mateen Cleaves cheers extra loud in this one.

Feb 23 Atlanta @ Utah - Things are initially awkward between AK and Zaza, but everything changes when they both laugh at Korver's new haircut.

Feb 23 New Orleans @ Sacramento - Ryan Bowen visits the California capitol building, which leaves just one more before he can finish his scrapbook. His summer trip to Boise is gonna be epic.

Feb 23 Golden State @ L.A. Clippers - Brandan Wright accidentally eats peanut butter.

Feb 24 Memphis @ Cleveland - Wally sees an opening, tries to steal Jaric's girl.

Feb 24 Minnesota @ Toronto - Jamario Moon reignites the enthusiasm that once surrounded him.

Feb 24 Detroit @ Miami - Spoelstra and Curry agree to play this one with a running clock.

Feb 24 Orlando @ Chicago - Tyrus and Dwight hold a jumping contest before the game. It makes angels weep.

Feb 24 L.A. Lakers @ Oklahoma City - Thunder fans regain solidarity by booing Kobe.

Feb 24 Portland @ Houston - Yao gives Oden his old joke books.

Feb 24 Dallas @ San Antonio - Ime Udoka passes Bruce Bowen's final black belt test by kicking Josh Howard in the tailbone.

Feb 24 Charlotte @ Phoenix - Grant Hill drinks Sierra Mist, bricks a dunk.

Feb 25 Memphis @ Indiana - Bennett Salvatore won't give the Grizzlies a break. Convinced Stern has it in for his team, Iavaroni bangs his shoe on the press table in protest.

Feb 25 Philadelphia @ Washington - Louis Williams leads the Sixers to the win. In postgame interviews, he claims he did it for "our true nation's capital."

Feb 25 Chicago @ New Jersey - Brook finally gets an assist.

Feb 25 Orlando @ New York - Patrick Ewing Sr. wins the father-son battle by his proxy, Dwight Howard.

Feb 25 Utah @ Minnesota - David Harrison brings his "special" brownies into the locker room. Only Ryan Gomes identifies the secret ingredient: nutmeg.

Feb 25 Detroit @ New Orleans - Amir, Herrmann, and Afflalo pass out in the middle of the second quarter. The Pistons file a grievance for having to play consecutive nights in Miami and in New Orleans the day after Mardi Gras.

Feb 25 Milwaukee @ Dallas - Malik Allen collects another richly deserved paycheck.

Feb 25 Portland @ San Antonio - Oden vs. Duncan gets all the press, but Oden's tired out because of the previous night's battle against Yao, so Duncan cruises to his usual 20, 10, and 3. Everyone still has fun, though, because Parker and Roy steal the show in a six-point Spurs win.

Feb 25 Atlanta @ Denver - Smush starts dunking on people again.

Feb 25 Charlotte @ Sacramento - In a pregame interview, Larry Brown praises Jared Dudley for his firm handshake.

Feb 25 Boston @ L.A. Clippers - Baron mistakes Brian Scalabrine for the guy from Once and tells him they should do lunch. Scals, who gets less per diem than everyone else on the team, blows all his money on the meal and can't afford a cab back to Staples. The Celtics manage without him.

Feb 26 Cleveland @ Houston - Artest holds LeBron to 12, and the entire West shakes.

Feb 26 Phoenix @ L.A. Lakers - Thankfully advertised as "Amare vs. Bynum."

Feb 27 Detroit @ Orlando - Kwame Brown gets experimental finger extensions, misses a week while things heal.

Feb 27 Chicago @ Washington - Thabo gets into a defensive position, unleashes jazz hands.

Feb 27 Miami @ Atlanta - The Hawks realize that, in a perfect world, Shaun Livingston would be their point guard.

Feb 27 Indiana @ Boston - O'Brien outlines why he deserves most of the credit for the Celtics' championship.

Feb 27 Philadelphia @ New York - David Lee develops the world's greatest hamantashen recipe.

Feb 27 Portland @ Minnesota - David Berri's favorite game ever. Blazers win 87-79.

Feb 27 Milwaukee @ New Orleans - Bogut gets more rebounds than Chris Paul, but just barely.

Feb 27 Oklahoma City @ Dallas - Local sportswriters spend most of their time working on their previews of the next day's Texas-Oklahoma State game.

Feb 27 L.A. Lakers @ Denver - Under the terms of the Coby Karl Agreement, the Nuggets throw the game.

Feb 27 Toronto @ Phoenix - Steve Kerr feels remorseful, gives Bryan Colangelo a "Buy One, Get One Free" coupon for cheeseburger Hot Pockets.

Feb 27 Cleveland @ San Antonio - No one wins -- one side just loses more slowly.

Feb 27 L.A. Clippers @ Sacramento - Eric Gordon gets the meat sweats.

Feb 27 Charlotte @ Golden State - With the Warriors in 9th place in the conference, their fans claim that they never should have traded Jason Richardson. Maggette reminds everyone that they found a completely suitable replacement.

Feb 28 Orlando @ Philadelphia - Donyell Marshall one-ups last season's wardrobe malfunction, enters the game wearing only strategically placed headbands.

Feb 28 New York @ Miami - Chris Quinn shows off his Pokemon cards. David Padgett says they're for babies, and that real collectors only play Magic.

Feb 28 Oklahoma City @ Memphis - An FD commenter claims that the site sucks now that there are no Sarah Palin posts.

Feb 28 Houston @ Chicago - Scola and Nocioni do not approve of the songs from Evita playing over the PA. Vinny Del Negro loves the idea, argues that they should play the Cats soundtrack the next time Charlotte comes to the United Center.

Feb 28 Washington @ Milwaukee - Citizens of Milwaukee organize a conference to teach Gilbert about the wonderful things the city has to offer. When he's told that Milwaukee had the first socialist mayor in America, Gil calls bullshit, claiming that most politicians get along with everybody.

Feb 28 Charlotte @ L.A. Clippers - Al Thornton asks Penny Marshall for her hand in marriage.

Feb 28 Sacramento @ Utah - Paul Millsap follows up a block with a 360, which garners him immediate praise for his hustle and determination.

Labels: ,


At 10/20/2008 6:12 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

Feb 20th, Hawks vs Blazers--

Maurice Lucas is an assistant for the Blazers, not the Hawks.

'Tis all great, that's my only minor quibble.


At 10/20/2008 12:26 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

Boy, these things are fuckin great. I don't even care that it takes me an hour to read them; it's one fun-ass hour.

At 10/20/2008 1:21 PM, Blogger Ty Keenan said...

Thanks, Mortimer -- I'll change it.

At 10/20/2008 2:20 PM, Blogger phaser beamz said...

If anyone is looking for a fantasy league we have a couple spots. Draft tomorrow 8:30pm EST ...

(Yahoo league)
League ID#: 44171
password: death


At 10/20/2008 3:38 PM, Blogger Sweat of Ewing said...

Ahem... http://freedarko.blogspot.com/2008/07/lab-is-inside-you.html#c3060161943706776801

(re: the all-Davis back court. I'm pretty damn flattered)

At 10/20/2008 3:57 PM, Blogger A said...

Why do I even pay attention to the regular season when every game is right here? Seriously, these are raw smiles.

At 10/20/2008 6:14 PM, Blogger m. Alana said...

Feb 02 L.A. Lakers @ New York - With the Watchmen premiere just over a month away, Kobe pretends he's Rorschach and starts acting out his favorite scenes around New York. He imagines MSG is Ozymandias's lair and scores 55 in the win.

I love this site. So very, very much.

At 10/20/2008 9:16 PM, Blogger Doctor said...

Feb 02 Dallas @ Orlando - Jason Kidd passes the ball off the backboard to Dirk for an open 17-footer.

I laughed so hard at this that 6 different people came to my cubicle to see what happened.

Well-played, sir.


At 10/20/2008 11:19 PM, Blogger Folkhero said...

I like the Wire reference for the Cleveland SA game.

At 10/21/2008 12:04 AM, Blogger Mr. Morrow said...

Feb 4:Forever scared of Kobe, Smitch has the Raptors triple-team him every time he touches the ball. Fisher, Sasha, and Farmar all hit for 20 in an easy Lakers win.

Not bloodly likely, Smith with a coaching adjustment. He would just tell his players that they need to player harder than Kobe

At 10/21/2008 11:47 AM, Blogger MC Welk said...

FD rotation alert: with Williams out Jazz will handle with a 3-guard rotation of Price, Miles and Brewer with AK running the point with the second unit. Still no sign of Harpring …

wv: fcrck

At 10/21/2008 2:38 PM, Blogger nelsojcau said...

i had been out of town for the past week and unable to do my normal internet reading...

how glorious it was to open up FD this morning and begin reading this masterful series!

Kudos to all involved.

At 10/21/2008 5:13 PM, Blogger ognihs said...

spencer hawes looks like a stalker. i'm pretty sure the girls from sunset tan are still freaked out.

At 10/22/2008 2:32 PM, Blogger spanish bombs said...

The pics were really good for this post!

At 4/13/2009 1:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...




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