While You Were Weeping III: The Free Darko EVERY GAME PREVIEW

Who cares about predictions about playoff seeds or projected team records when you can find out how each and every game is going to go down? Amongst a sea of speculation and guesses, only Free Darko has the stones to tell you how exactly how this season is going to unfurl. Over the next few days, we will be previewing all 1,230 games. Today we take a look at December. Past previews can be found here.

Jan 02 Miami@Orlando: Michael Beasley doesn't show up until six minutes into the fourth, and Miami gets smoked. Later, photos surface showing Beasley sleeping on a bench on Main Street in DisneyWorld on New Year's morning. Years later, a book reveals Beasley did not find comfort in the clubs of South Beach, but in the nation's amusement parks.

Jan 02 Houston@Toronto: Chris Bosh's stirring halftime Riverdance performance at the Air Canada Centre does not inspire the Raptors, who lose by 10. Ron Artest has 8 points and 10 steals.

Jan 02 Washington@Boston: Rajon Rondo has the 13th triple double of the season, but it's not enough as Brendan Haywood blocks KG's hook shot at the buzzer, sealing a 93-92 upset. KG feels he was fouled, and protests the call by stripping nude at center court. The photo leads every the sports page of every major metropolitan paper on Jan. 3, except for the Washington Post, which features a Dan Steinberg piece on Dominic McGuire's impregnation of Oleksiy Pecherov's aunt.

Jan 02 Chicago@Cleveland: Derrick Rose tallies 13 turnovers in 28 minutes of play. Daniel Gibson hits seven straight threes at one point, including one which bounces off Zydrunas Ilgauskas' head. Cleveland wins 103-84.

Jan 02 Atlanta@New Jersey: Al Horford is tagged with a Flagrant-2 for shoving Devin Harris into the third row while jostling for position on a Joe Johnson jumper.

Jan 02 Indiana@New York: Larry Bird no-shows a pre-game meet-and-greet with Donnie Walsh. D'Antoni tries to use this as motivation, but Jamal Crawford fell asleep during the pep talk. He thinks he's guarding T.J. Ford the entire game. Mike Dunleavy scores 37, Pacers win.

Jan 02 Sacramento@Detroit: Kings assistant coach Shareef Abdur-Rahim gets ejected for arguing a traveling call on Jason Thompson. Rodney Stuckey takes a photograph with Bobby Jackson during a third quarter timeout.

Jan 02 San Antonio@Memphis: Hamed Haddadi gets his first NBA start, but plays only 3 minutes and 47 seconds after dunking on his own basket twice.

Jan 02 Golden State@Minnesota: Anthony Randolph continues his quixotic R.O.Y. campaign, with two points, two rebounds and eight blocks, three of which came on Kevin Love. Corey Brewer starts a rumor he has been traded for Marco Belinelli, and comes out of halftime wearing a throwback Rick Barry jersey. The Timberwolves suspend him for two games, but the NBAPA gets the $50,000 fine withdrawn.

Jan 02 Denver@Oklahoma City: The most exciting game of the season to date. The lead changes 52 times, as both Allen Iverson and Kevin Durant play 48 minutes. OKC wins it on a Chris Wilcox three at the buzzer.

Jan 02 Philadelphia@Dallas: Two hours before the tip, The Big Lead posts a photo of Jim Carrey doing blow with some Rutgers co-eds, but mistakes Carrey for Rick Carlisle. The headline reads, "Rick Carlisle Partying With College Dames in N.J.? Yep." Mark Cuban renews his ban on bloggers in the locker room. Josh Howard applauds the move and, for the first time this season, plays without a flag pin on his jersey.

Jan 02 Charlotte@Milwaukee: In a stirring turn of events, Michael Redd suffers a concussion and Gerald Wallace never takes a shot closer than 20 feet. Andrew Bogut has co-opted Amare Stoudemire's goggles look, but they fog up during a crucial Charlotte possession which results in an easy D.J. Augustin to Sean May alley-oop.

Jan 02 L.A. Clippers@Phoenix: Steve Nash hyperventilates while laughing at Baron Davis' antics during an Al Thornton free throw. Goran Dragic goes 0-for-16 in a Suns loss.

Jan 02 New Orleans@Portland: Chris Paul asks to address the crowd before the game to deny a report in The Oregonian which states he has demanded to be traded to the Blazers, and says that he is perfectly happy in New Orleans and he wishes everyone -- including those in Portland -- would be happy for him. He then breaks down into tears. When Joel Pryzbilla walks over to console him, Tyson Chandler rushes in to punch Pryzbilla in the nose. In a blog post the next morning, Channing Frye vows revenge.

Jan 02 Utah@L.A. Lakers: A marquee matchup results in what will be known as "The Ronnie Price Game," as the diminutive guard scores 26 off the bench to lead the Jazz to a victory. Kobe slaps Jordan Farmar in the locker room, but all the Lakers beat writers agree to keep it a secret for five years at the behest of a knife-wielding Jerry Buss.

Jan 03 Houston@Atlanta: Marvin Williams arrives at Philips inconsolable due to the death of his gold fish, Darius. Ron Artest takes a collection for an oversized sympathy card. Jon Barry claims he has no cash.

Jan 03 Milwaukee@Charlotte: Richard Jefferson breaks his pact to limit himself to seven rebounds per game (he grabs his eighth in the closing seconds on a missed Sean May dunk). Michael Redd leaves the locker room without speaking to reporters.

Jan 03 Sacramento@Indiana: Danny Granger parks in Jim O'Brien's spot as a test of boundaries. O'Brien says nothing. Granger begins to hatch an evil takeover plan, of which the first step is a 32-foot fadeaway on the opening possession.

Jan 03 New Jersey@Miami: Beasley, wearing a faded gray "Grumpy" hoodie, addresses the media regarding his alleged New Year's Eve debauchery on "It's a Small World." Pat Riley gets confused by his disorganized medicine cabinet and overdoses on zinc tablets. Good thing Erik Spoelstra took a CPR certification course over the summer.

Jan 03 Minnesota@Chicago: Drew Gooden plays in Chuck Taylors and argyle socks. John Paxson pops the giant inflatible Benny with a ballpoint pen.

Jan 03 Philadelphia@San Antonio: Jason Smith, still on crutches, marvels at Tim Duncan's skills. Samuel Dalembert engages in polite conversation with Kurt Thomas as Manu Ginobili takes a free throw.

Jan 03 New Orleans@Denver: Chris Andersen prank calls everyone in the Hornets traveling party ... except for Ryan Bowen. No one can ever guess his hotel alias. Cryptographers spend decades trying to decipher the trail of clues.

Jan 04 Orlando@Toronto: While everyone focuses on Dwight Howard and Chris Bosh, Courtney Lee quietly unties Anthony Parker's sneakers, leading to a bench-clearing slapfight. Hedo Turkoglu gets the best shot, but it's on Adonal Foyle. Hedo spends the rest of the year apologizing and giving Adonal his fast food leftovers.

Jan 04 Cleveland@Washington: The Wizards show a slick montage in memory of Soulja Boy, who has just passed away from Lou Gehrig's disease at the age of 18. Rumors of sightings in Nova Scotia spread concerns the death may have been faked. Vice president-elect Joe Biden promises to get to the bottom of it after inauguration.

Jan 04 Detroit@L.A. Clippers: Jason Maxiell slaps Amir Johnsons's ass a little too hard, making the plane ride to Portland uncomfortable to say the least.

Jan 04 Dallas@Memphis: Haddadi wears the prettiest dress shirt in the history of the NBA's dress code. Cuban tells reporters it's ugly.

Jan 04 Boston@New York: And you thought Malice at the Palace was bad. Just wait until you see how Brian Scalabrine reacts to getting a cosmo thrown at him in the 40/40 Club.

Jan 04 Portland@L.A. Lakers: Greg Oden and Andrew Bynum break four backboards a piece, forcing the game to be decided by Rock Paper Scissors. After some mild dispute over the rules, Kobe beats Brandon Roy 2-1 with paper over rock. John Canzano writes a column questioning whether Roy has even been practicing his RPS form.

Jan 05 San Antonio@Miami: Manu visits a sandwich shop after shoot-around. An immigration raid results, somehow, in Manu being deported to Liberia. Gregg Popovich blames George Hill, who was supposed to be on La Migra watch today.

Jan 05 Sacramento@New Jersey: The announced crowd of 315 lucky fans sees an epic Devin Harris-Beno Udrih duel that ends only with hurt feelings and broken dreams.

Jan 05 Toronto@Milwaukee: Charlie Villanueva takes out a full-page ad in the Journal-Sentinel apologizing for that 8-second YouTube in which he calls new local hero Aaron Rodgers a punk.

Jan 05 Indiana@Denver: J.R. Smith tries to the number for Jared from Subway's girlfriend. Sadly, he gets shut down. Kenyon Martin has a good laugh.

Jan 05 Golden State@Utah: Anthony Randolph continues his quixotic R.O.Y. campaign by slipping an iPod Shuffle loaded with Tribe's complete catalog into C.J. Miles' locker.

Jan 06: Boston@Charlotte: In a fit of rage at MJ's lack of availability to "just talk," Larry Brown starts Adam Morrison at point guard and assistant coach LaSalle Thompson at the two. Charlotte wins 97-83. Despite the loss, Kevin Garnett can't stop laughing.

Jan 06 Washington@Orlando: Taking a cue from Gil, Nick Young releases the first colorway for his "The City" line of sneakers. Close inspection reveals the shoes to be white K-Swiss watercolored light blue. When Gil posts about the revelation, Brendan Haywood nods, finally understanding why Young's hotel room was filled with so many empty Paas Easter egg coloring kit boxes.

Jan 06 Houston@Philadelphia: A highly entertaining battle is relegated to the footnotes as Tracy McGrady announces he will produce a documentary on the Loch Ness monster.

Jan 06 Minnesota@Memphis: O.J. Mayo and Kevin Love swap jerseys and teams at halftime to see if anyone notices.

Jan 06 New York@Oklahoma City: A reporter for The Oklahoman, bored out of his mind as Nate Robinson bricks another three, is on media row watching MIN-MEM on Sopcast. "Why the hell is Love wearing a Grizzlies jerseys?" he wonders out loud. The rumor of Love-Mayo trade leads Peter Vescey's column the next morning.

Jan 06 Sacramento@Chicago: During postgame pleasantries, Vinny Del Negro nervously whisper to Reggie Theus that he is "just happy to be alive."

Jan 06 L.A. Clippers@Dallas: Nick Fazekas of the Austin Toros starts a small fire in the parking lot during the third quarter. J.J. Barea later finds Fazekas' calling card at the scene of the crime. The $5,000 reward is not worth giving up a friend, Barea decides.

Jan 06 New Orleans@L.A. Lakers: Chris Paul wears an eye patch during the third quarter.

Jan 07 Orlando@Atlanta: Hedo learns that Foyle does not care for the combination of chicken and waffles. Jameer Nelson trips over Speedy Claxton's crutch.

Jan 07 Charlotte@Cleveland: Gerald Wallace fouls out in the third quarter on six charges. Anderson Varejao draws them all.

Jan 07 Toronto@Washington: Jermaine O'Neal leaves a mixtape for Caron Butler at the scorer's table. The first track, according to the attached index card, is "I Can Love You Like That" by John Michael Montgomery. Butler is distracted on the first three possessions, and Toronto gets off to a 7-0 lead it never gives up.

Jan 07 Houston@Boston: A titanic clash of the Titans comes down to a Luther Head-Eddie House shoot-out. Joey Dorsey gets confused and blocks Head's game-tying attempt at the end. Boston wins.

Jan 07 Memphis@New Jersey: Stromile Swift Bobblehead Night does not go off without a hitch.

Jan 07 Philadelphia@Milwaukee: Every time Ramon Sessions comes out of the game, Scott Skiles instructs him to take notes on Andre Miller. But really, Sessions just draws cubes and other 3-D shapes over and over.

Jan 07 Oklahoma City@Minnesota: Rashad McCants and Randy Foye execute a handshake that must be seen to be believed.

Jan 07 Miami@Denver: A.I. scores 52 in a big Nuggets win. A fly bothers him during the post-game local TV interview.

Jan 07 Indiana@Phoenix: With a 34-point halftime lead, Amare resolves to cherry-pick the entire third quarter. He scores 12 straight Phoenix baskets until Terry Porter yanks him for Robin Lopez, who attempts the same strategy but turns the ball over on the first three outlet passes.

Jan 07 New Orleans@Utah: Reacting to a rumor that Chris Paul ate a four-egg omelet at a local diner, Deron Williams order a five-egg omelet. And a side of corned beef hash.

Jan 07 Detroit@Portland: Oh man, you have got that guy's Sheed sign. Too bad he got ejected for throwing [REDACTED] at Walter Herrmann.

Jan 07 L.A. Lakers@Golden State: At one point, Ronny Turiaf hits the floor in a wifebeater and jean shorts. He is ejected by Dick Bavetta. It's been real bad since he got that letter from Jordan Farmar ...

Jan 08 New York@Dallas: Cuban somehow convinces arena security to eject Jamal Crawford from the visitor's locker room 45 minutes before the tip. Crawford has to tape his own ankles and, oh boy, that's just a mess.

Jan 08 L.A. Clippers@San Antonio: During a timeout, Michael Finley expresses concern at how Cuttino Mobley has "really let himself go."

Jan 09 Atlanta@Orlando: Foyle also does not care for fried pork chops. Hedo has a weak moment, and weeps quietly in a locker room stall.

Jan 09 Charlotte@Philadelphia: Lou Williams debuts a new celebration dance after made jumpers. Mo Cheeks calls a 20-second timeout specifically to slap Lou. Bennett Salvatore hits Cheeks with a technical. The Sixers later protest to the league with great success.

Jan 09 Memphis@Toronto: Probably the best mascot dance-off ever.

Jan 09 Boston@Cleveland: Leon Powe continues his All-Star campaign with 24 points and 12 rebounds. Boston wins going away, and a Cavs blogger -- upset with Mo Williams' performance not being commensurate with his salary, dubs him "Mona." Said blogger is extremely pleased with himself.

Jan 09 L.A. Clippers@New Orleans: Baron Davis doesn't mind the boos. It's the refusal of eye contact from Buzz that hurts.

Jan 09 Houston@Oklahoma City: In a statement of team unity, the three stars of the team arrive at the arena on horseback. Kevin Durant, thinking it's a joke about his new hometown, drops 58 points on Artest. The rest of the Thunder score 10. Rockets win by 40. The big three rides horses to the arena for the rest of the season.

Jan 09 Washington@Chicago: Larry Hughes spend the entire first quarter weeping. Tyrus Thomas slaps him, and things are OK. Hughes scores 22 in the Bulls win.

Jan 09 New Jersey@Milwaukee: Yi Jianlian wonders why all the reporters ask him what it's like being back in Milwaukee. "What's Milwaukee?" he asks.

Jan 09 Detroit@Denver: You'll never believe who shows up on the Kiss Cam.

Jan 09 Miami@Sacramento: Bobby Brown and Mario Chalmers have a good, long talk after the game. It's good to get past this and move on.

Jan 09 Indiana@L.A. Lakers: Brandon Rush might be in love with Laker Girl Ashley.

Jan 09 Dallas@Phoenix: Adhering to Rick Carlisle "be an asshole" policy, Dirk lets Steve Nash pay and pick up the tip.

Jan 10 Charlotte@Washington: Etan Thomas and Robert Johnson get into a spirited discussion regarding Darius Songaila's new panther tattoo.

Jan 10 Milwaukee@Minnesota: "You should have done that, Charlie Bell," said McCants. "You really should not have done that."

Jan 10 Oklahoma City@Chicago: Durant continues his streak of 50+ points with 52 against mostly a zone.

Jan 10 New York@Houston: The Knicks forfeit. Their team bus got caught behind three men on horseback, and the driver decided to take a detour. Someone really should have put up a sign or something to indicate that bridge wasn't finished. Wilson Chandler turns up three days later, looking quite good for someone trapped under a dock for 72 hours.

Jan 10 Detroit@Utah: Mehmet Okur might have passed the norovirus to Rip Hamilton.

Jan 10 Golden State@Portland: Anthony Randolph learns that he cannot dunk from the three-point arc.

Jan 11 Boston@Toronto: All these years, Perk, and you still can't remember to bring your passport when we play at Toronto? Geez.

Jan 11 Philadelphia@Atlanta: Thaddeus Young spends the second quarter writing a sternly worded letter to customer relations at the Hilton regarding the quality of their in-room coffee. He spends the third quarter passing the ball to himself off the backboard.

Jan 11 Phoenix@L.A. Clippers: Boris Diaw begs off the trip due to a "sore hip." No one on the team falls for it, as they all know the real reason he's avoiding L.A. They were all there with him in the hotel conference center, after all!

Jan 11 Orlando@San Antonio: Dwight Howard gets called for a three-second violation at the buzzer. The refs review the tape for 45 minutes. Stan Van Gundy will have to pay the cleaners extra to get that stain out.

Jan 11 Indiana@Golden State: Anthony Randolph learns that you are not allowed to wear chain-mail over your uniform.

Jan 11 Dallas@Sacramento: The Kings stage a thrilling wire-to-wire victory over the otherwise dominant Mavericks. Rick Carlisle compliments Kevin Martin and Brad Miller heavily.

Jan 11 Miami@L.A. Lakers: A classic duel between Derek Fisher and Chris Quinn.

Jan 12 Milwaukee@Washington: Well it's sure a good thing Antonio Daniels found his other sneaker tonight. Whew.

Jan 12 Toronto@Boston: Jason Kapono disapparates during a really weird second quarter Boston run.

Jan 12 Oklahoma City@New Jersey: Lawrence Frank is no match for P.J. Carlesimo when it comes to working the refs. The Nets get called for 77 fouls, the Thunder 14. However, Durant's scoring streak comes to an end thanks to an uncalled goaltend by Sean Williams on a picture-perfect halfcourt shot at the buzzer.

Jan 12 New York@New Orleans: Stephon Marbury hijacks a streetcar when he realizes he's late for shoot-around. Man, he's lucky that cop was a huge Moochie Norris fan. Growing out the hair: definitely a good idea.

Jan 12 Portland@Chicago: Martell Webster just realized Jarrett Jack got traded when Ike Diogu asked to borrow a dollar for the vending machine.

Jan 12 Indiana@Utah: Roy Hibbert and Kyrylo Fesenko have a really complex handshake for two people who just met.

Jan 13 Charlotte@Detroit: Larry Brown picked the wrong to switch to contact lenses. Meanwhile, Walter Herrmann can't figure out how Sam Vincent looks like a tanned white guy now. "Science, it's so amazing!" Herrmman says.

Jan 13 Cleveland@Memphis: Dan Gilbert is rebuked for hanging a Hakim Warrick poster in his office. LeBron's Horsemen try to hustle Mike Conley into ditching his dad.

Jan 13 Miami@Minnesota: The Mario Chalmers Revenge Game is not to be missed.

Jan 13 L.A. Lakers@Houston: Kobe clones himself in order to deal with the Battier-Artest gauntlet. But Kobe #2 thinks he's in love with Laker Girl Ashley, and asks her to run away to Europe with him. She accepts. Brandon Rush is never whole again.

Jan 13 Dallas@Denver: DeSagana Diop and Nene collide on a rebound opportunity. Nathaniel S. Butler of Getty Image gets a truly tremendous shot of it. It will be used in both the Denver and Dallas '09-10 media guides, a "Where Amazing Happens" commercial, and an ad for Gorton's fish sticks.

Jan 13 Atlanta@Phoenix: Boris Diaw appears in public for the first time in a week, with a full-grown afro, a mustache and a new tattoo of Woodstock from Peanuts on his left bicep. He shames Marvin Williams into acknowledging inferiority.

Jan 13 Orlando@Sacramento: Stan Van Gundy gets booed at Corti Bros. while picking up some eggplant for Hedo, who has promised Foyle "a special meal." Spencer Hawes claims in a post-game interview that Anthony Johnson "did him dirty" on a custom window installation last spring. "Ann Coulter has green eyes," Hawes asserts, exasperated.

Jan 14 Detroit@Indiana: Due to a hard foul from Troy Murphy, Jason Maxiell refuses to give any Pacer daps at the end of the game.

Jan 14 Portland@Philadelphia: The Shavlik Randolph Vengeance Game will never be forgotten.

Jan 14 Chicago@Toronto: Ben Gordon should not have ordered lox and bagel at 2 in the afternoon.

Jan 14 New Jersey@Boston: The Celtics play down to their opponent, per usual. This close victory features the premiere of Rajon Rondo's glove, permissible by the league because it is made of human flesh.

Jan 14 Washington@New York: The night Mike D'Antoni wins the heart and mind of Spike Lee. Gilbert forgets about his feud with D'Antoni until halftime; Gil takes 47 shots in the fourth quarter.

Jan 14 Miami@Milwaukee: You've done it again, Michael Redd! Andrew Bogut tries to help Michael Beasley off the ground after an unfortunate collision in the third, but Beasley stands up on his own and stares at Bogut for 14 minutes, 32 seconds. Erik Spoelstra is impressed at the show of passion, and Beasley gets a gold star for the day.

Jan 14 Utah@Oklahoma City: C.J. Miles, with his 17th DNP-CD of the season, wonders what could have been as Damien Wilkins drops 32.

Jan 14 New Orleans@Dallas: James Posey and Brandon Bass hold hands absentmindedly during a pair of Tyson Chandler free throws.

Jan 14 L.A. Lakers@San Antonio: Robert Horry sits courtside, wearing a t-shirt with his agent's Skype handle on it. The national TV crew shows him twice.

Jan 14 Sacramento@Golden State: Quincy Douby ditches Bobby Brown at a gas station in Vallejo on the way to the game. Luckily, Kevin Martin saw the prank unfold in a dream during his nap. Sometimes, it's really nice to have a sidecar on your motorbike.

Jan 14 Atlanta@L.A. Clippers: After the game, Marvin Williams states emphatically that he "should have been a Clipper."

Jan 15 Portland@New Jersey: Nic Batum's reign of terror continues unabated.

Jan 15 Cleveland@Chicago: LeBron plays the entire game in blacked-out goggles, still tallies 28/8/6.

Jan 15 Phoenix@Denver: Overtime turns into a Matt Barnes/Linas Kleiza shoot-out. Kleiza wins it with a windmill dunk over Kenyon Martin, who is disoriented and spends every third possession defending the wrong rim.

Jan 16 Toronto@Indiana: Maceo Baston is treated to a warm welcome. Jermaine O'Neal spends the entire game (a Raptors romp) trying to get Larry Bird to notice him.

Jan 16 San Antonio@Philadelphia: Philly has gone mad for the Sixers, with confidence at an all-time high after the Phillies' World Series victory. Tim Duncan scores 22, and the Spurs win. No one really understands how.

Jan 16 New York@Washington: Gil remembers his D'Antoni feud from the tip, scoring 49 points through three quarters. During the break, Eddie Jordan reminds him that he had already hung 50 on D'Antoni during the '06-07 season. Gil spends the entire fourth gazing into the distance. Knicks win by four.

Jan 16 New Orleans@Cleveland: Bill Walton asserts that this was the most spectacular game he has ever witnessed in person, likens LeBron to Sir Isaac Newton, and gets married to a Cavs dancer three hours after the game ends. Melvin Ely is the best man.

Jan 16 Utah@Memphis: In two minutes of garbage time, C.J. Miles takes 14 FGAs. Jerry Sloan shoots him in the foot with a revolver in the locker room.

Jan 16 Detroit@Oklahoma City: In a new tactic which will revolutionize the NBA, Michael Curry sends a B-team to OKC. Arron Afflalo gets the best of KD, and the Pistons roll. Rasheed Wallace bowls a 263 during the game, and raves about life under Curry.

Jan 16 Minnesota@Phoenix: Al Jefferson didn't quite understand what Randy Wittman was trying to say during shoot-around, and shows up to the game in rollerblades. The referees allow it. 48/14 for the big man as the Wolves shock the Suns. Shaq calls Steve Nash a disgrace to the point guard position, and talks about how much he misses Brian Shaw.

Jan 16 Milwaukee@Sacramento: Michael Redd and Kevin Martin trade baskets for two hours. And then their teams play a game, but both guys are pretty tired from their one-on-one battle earlier in the day. The game, then, features a John Salmons-Ramon Sessions shoot-out. And we ALL know how that goes.

Jan 16 Atlanta@Golden State: Terry Stotts shows up to will call hammered, claiming to be Josh Smith's biological father.

Jan 16 Orlando@L.A. Lakers: "I swear to God , Hedo," yells Stan Van Gundy, "if you don't start wearing shower shoes I am going to knock your fucking head off!"

Jan 17 Boston@New Jersey: Lawrence Frank doesn't see what is the big deal about Tom Thibodeau. Nets lose 92-26.

Jan 17 Portland@Charlotte: D.J. Augustin follows every made basket with a quote from a Judd Apatow movie.

Jan 17 New Orleans@Detroit: Tayshaun Prince wears a Peja mask. It only works twice.

Jan 17 Philadelphia@New York: ... and that was the last time anyone saw Willie Green for weeks.

Jan 17 San Antonio@Chicago: George Hill to Ian Mahinmi is the new Ridnour to Collison.

Jan 17 Miami@Houston: Ron Artest tells reporters he'll answer challenges from Michael Beasley when Michael Beasley wins a DPOY award. In a midseason poll of ESPN experts, Beasley leads in the race for DPOY.

Jan 17 Utah@Dallas: Rick Carlisle parts his hair the other way to see if anyone notices. Josh Howard compliments the new look. Jerry Stackhouse calls J-Ho a "kiss ass," and tells him to stop "actin' so damn white."

Jan 17 Orlando@Denver: "Have you every tasted Jam Nelson's bacon pancakes?" Hedo asks Nene. "They cannot be beaten."

Jan 17 Milwaukee@L.A. Clippers: Redd, still exhausted from his eight-hour shooting contest the day prior, misses all 16 field goal attempts. Good thing Dan Gadzuric is around to save the day.

Jan 18 Phoenix@Toronto: After Bryan Colangelo convinced Leandro Barbosa to run away from home, no Suns are allowed to converse with the Toronto GM. Steve Nash sneaks out after curfew for a rendez-vous.

Jan 18 Miami@Oklahoma City: During pregame handshakes, Russell Westbrook yells, "NO, I DON'T WANT A DIME SACK, MARIO!" Chalmers is about the only person in the building who doesn't laugh.

Jan 19 Chicago@New York: Donnie Walsh spends the entire game trying to convince John Paxson that Jam Crawford has "turned a corner" and that the Knicks would "hate to let him get away, but ..."

Jan 19 Dallas@Philadelphia: Marreese Speights takes copious notes on every Elton Brand possession. Dirk, ever the Samaritan, does a segment on "Nancy Grace" during halftime. "We must keep looking for Willie," he pleads.

Jan 19 Toronto@Atlanta: Acie Law can really dance, you know?

Jan 19 San Antonio@Charlotte: Jason Richardson dunks from the three-point line, but the power in the building goes out mid-flight. Robert Johnson vows to find out who forgot to pay the electric bill. MJ goes into hiding.

Jan 19 Denver@Houston: A rousing game of tiddlywinks during a late timeout turns this game around turns this game around for the Nuggets.

Jan 19 Minnesota@L.A. Clippers: Rashad McCants puts a tear in Cuttino Mobley's eye.

Jan 19 Indiana@New Orleans: Troy Murphy's rampage continues, forcing Hilton Armstrong to don a mask in the second half and forever.

Jan 19 Washington@Golden State: With a sense of forboding, Lou Williams wears a GSW Nick Van Exel jersey to the arena.

Jan 19 Detroit@Memphis: "No lay-ups," yells Hamed Hammadi after a particularly hard foul on Rasheed Wallace. Thank god Laura hid the red button in the vegetable drawer.

Jan 19 Phoenix@Boston: In a protest against the league's blind eye regarding Bill Walker's prolonged campaign of insufferability, Steve Nash and Amare Stoudemire refuse to play. The NBA loses $2.5 billion, economists estimate.

Jan 19 Milwaukee@Portland: With Martell Webster preparing for his first game back from injury, Travis Outlaw dunks 14 times in the first quarter.

Jan 19 Cleveland@L.A. Lakers: Wally Szczerbiak steals the show, as he often does.

Jan 20 Atlanta@Chicago: Josh Smith, Mike Bibby and Zaza Pachulia miss the game due to having tickets to the inauguration. Acie Law handles business, though.

Jan 20 Indiana@San Antonio: Gregg Popovich plays all of his starters 48 minutes. Spurs win by 2.

Jan 20 Sacramento@Denver: Spencer Hawes shows up to the game shitfaced, so Shareef Abdur-Rahim suits up and drops 46/18. The Kings lose the salary cap benefits from Reef's early retirement, but Geoff Petrie is with it.

Jan 20 Minnesota@Utah: Kyrylo Fesenko discovers Greta Van Sustren and is never quite the same.

Jan 21 Memphis@Charlotte: Gerald Wallace finally uncovers the lies Jason Richardson has been telling since his trade to the Cats in 07. "So you are in fact the same Jason Richardson who stole my Dunk Contest championship," Wallace said while wrapping chicken wire around his knuckles. "Your thievery is one matter, Jason, but the expansive narrative of lies, your sticky ruse to save your own neck ... this cannot be so easily forgiven, you see."

Jan 21 Toronto@Detroit: Rodney Stuckey waves his hands in the air. It appears he just does not care, but that's an argument for another time.

Jan 21 Boston@Miami: Let's just say there is no way Glen Davis forgets the secret handshake again.

Jan 21 Phoenix@New York: MEGA grudge match for Mike D'Antoni. David Lee scores 54, pulls in 34 rebounds, and wins the halftime three-legged race, thanks to deft maneuvering by Eddy Curry.

Jan 21 Dallas@Milwaukee: Francisco Elson laughs in the faces of danger, DeSagana Diop.

Jan 21 New Jersey@New Orleans: Devin Harris picks Chris Paul's pocket in the third N.O. possession. And I have still never heard a blood-curdling scream quite like that.

Jan 21 Utah@Houston: Carlos Boozer doesn't think that sign is one bit funny, mister.

Jan 21 Cleveland@Portland: Every Portland newspaper and blog is plastered with "LeBron to Reunite With Fellow Midwesterner Greg Oden in 2010?" stories. LeBron compliments the city for its fabulous scent.

Jan 21 Washington@Sacramento: Hawes remains shitfaced. Kenny Thomas formally introduces himself to Antawn Jamison for the first time. Jamison gives him a fake number, which is coincidentally Andray Blatche's number. A beautiful friendship is born.

Jan 21 Oklahoma City@Golden State: Jeff Green goes missing during the team brunch buffet.
Jan 21 L.A. Lakers@L.A. Clippers: Sasha Vujacic ends up in the wrong locker room. Whoopsie!

Jan 22 Boston@Orlando: Hedo's final plea for forgivness comes in the form of grilled salmon with papaya salsa on a bed of steamed rice and braised broccoli florets. Adonal Foyle gives in to his heart, and they lived happily ever after.

Jan 22 Washington@L.A. Lakers: After a particularly violent dunk, Caron Butler walks back up the floor screaming, "KWAME BROWN!!! KWAME BROWN!!!"

Jan 23 Phoenix@Charlotte: No one can locate Jason Richardson. Gerald Wallace has his best game in years, and blocks Amare's shot 14 times.

Jan 23 Dallas@Detroit: Jason Kidd shoots 0-for-17 from the floor as the Pistons quadruple-team Dirk.

Jan 23 Houston@Indiana: Before the game, Tracy McGrady begs mercy at the feet of Troy Murphy. It's a moment which will greatly affect Travis Diener's life.

Jan 23 Milwaukee@Atlanta: Mario West takes his first free throw from four feet behind the line. The three-point line.

Jan 23 Memphis@New York: Jimmy Dolan's band should not be performing the Star-Spangled Banner anywhere.

Jan 23 New Orleans@Minnesota: Peja is shocked to find one of his vocab words on the back of a Timberwolves jersey. "Love! That's very nice sentiement, Mr. Wolf," he exclaims.

Jan 23 Toronto@Chicago: Not a good look on you, Jermaine.

Jan 23 New Jersey@San Antonio: The Dow hits 12,000 and Popovich gives Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker the night off.

Jan 23 Cleveland@Golden State: Daniel Gibson asks Nellie for his autograph.

Jan 23 Oklahoma City@L.A. Clippers: Baron Davis shows Kevin Durant around town after the game. Durant fears it is a set-up related to the Boom-Bosh skit-off, and as such does not enjoy himself one bit.

Jan 24 New York@Philadelphia: An honorary jumpball is tossed by Rick Santorum to a loud chorus of boos. Elton Brand cuts a PSA asking for the public's help in the searches for Willie Green and Jason Richardson. "Ballernapping is an epidemic," he pleads.

Jan 24 Orlando@Miami: Michael Beasley announces his campaign for Miami Beach City Council in 2016. Dwyane Wade is heard saying "That boy's crazy" during the press conference.

Jan 24 New Jersey@Memphis: Sean Williams and Hakim Warrick exchange knowing looks.

Jan 24 Sacramento@Milwaukee: Hawes arrives sober, shoots 4-17 in Bucks rout.

Jan 24 Cleveland@Utah: Andrei Kirilenko : LeBron James :: Body odor : Anderson Varejao.

Jan 24 Washington@Portland: As the game slips into the fourth overtime, Eddie Jordan jokes to Nate McMillan that they should settle it one-on-one. McMillan agrees and rips off his slacks, revealing a pair of official Blazers shorts. Jordan laughs uncomfortably and walks away.

Jan 25 Dallas@Boston: Dirk compares himself to a young Paul Pierce in pregame interviews.

Jan 25 San Antonio@L.A. Lakers: Phil Jackson sends out Coby Karl to start at the three. David Stern, two rows behind the Laker bench, clears his throat loudly. Kurt Rambis notices and whispers in Jackson's ear. Phil calls Kobe over and yells, "Sasha, you're starting." Jackson turns to Stern and flips him off. San Antonio wins by 23.

Jan 25 Phoenix@Atlanta: Boris Diaw finally gets occasion to visit the barber shop.

Jan 25 Sacramento@Toronto: Jason Kapono doesn't look pretty in a mustache, but whatever works.

Jan 25 Houston@Detroit: A halftime book signing by Joyce Carol Oates goes surprisingly well.

Jan 25 Charlotte@Indiana: Jason Richardson shows up to the game wearing an afro wig and a jersey which reads "J. Morrison." He scores 24 points in a rare Charlotte road win. Impressed with the newcomer, Gerald Wallace buys him dinner.

Jan 25 Chicago@Minnesota: Randy Foye has the breakout game we've been waiting three years for.

Jan 25 Utah@Denver: Coors sets a record for most beers sold during a game between two teams who start foreign-born players at center, narrowly edging a 1990 Lakers-Rockets game.

Jan 25 L.A. Clippers@Golden State: For the first time this season, Kelenna Azubuike is not booed during a home game.

Jan 26 Phoenix@Washington: The first of many Vice President Biden appearances at the Phone Booth.

Jan 26 Atlanta@Miami: Alonzo Mourning tallies nine blocks off the bench, but Beasley misses a lay-up at the buzzer. Hawks move into sole possession of 10th place in the East.

Jan 26 Houston@New York: When the P.A. announcer introduces the Houston Rockets, Allan Houston runs onto the court to a smattering of cheers and swear words.

Jan 26 Minnesota@Milwaukee: Michael Redd's big night helped erase the sting of a bad game. Redd scored 32 points and made two free throws late to help the Milwaukee Bucks hold off the Minnesota Timberwolves 95-92. "We knew this was a must win especially at home," Redd said.

Jan 26 Philadelphia@New Orleans: Thaddeus Young and Julian Wright meet for a jumpball and the world stands still.

Jan 26 New Jersey@Oklahoma City: A well-timed Nenad Krstic op-ed regarding the Singularity in the Tulsa World freaks out Sean Williams.

Jan 26 Portland@L.A. Clippers: A thrilling game is overshadowed by news Elgin Baylor has settled with the Clippers for $5 million and a box of Tim Thomas bobbleheads.

Jan 27 Sacramento@Cleveland: The airing of Mo Williams' appearance on "Hole in the Wall" overshadows another dominant LeBron performance.

Jan 27 Indiana@Orlando: T.J. Ford runs amok, but Rashard Lewis has all the answers.

Jan 27 Denver@Memphis: Anthony Carter may never eat mashed potatoes again.

Jan 27 San Antonio@Utah: Deron Williams tells Mehmet Okur to tell C.J. Miles to tell Ronnie Brewer to write a cryptogram to pass to Andrei Kirilenko to submit to a Mormon newsletter to suggest Carlos Boozer shave his back soon.

Jan 27 Charlotte@L.A. Lakers: Kobe and Co. avenge last season's embarrassing loss by outing Jason Richardson. Gerald Wallace is beside himself with anger.

Jan 28 Milwaukee@Indiana: Richard Jefferson and T.J. Ford hold a postgame pity party at an area Togo's.

Jan 28 Sacramento@Boston: Kendrick Perkins takes Francisco Garcia way too seriously, and Tony Allen almost loses an eye as a result.

Jan 28 Washington@Miami: Andray Blatche and Michael Beasley, not feeling the love from their own teams, congratulate each other after every good play and some bad ones.

Jan 28 Toronto@New Jersey: Jermaine O'Neal wonders what it would take to get back on HoopsHype.

Jan 28 Atlanta@New York: Maybe Mike Bibby can't control the weather, but he sure can make it hail.

Jan 28 Detroit@Minnesota: Michael Curry loves life, and decides to bicycle back to Michigan after the road game. He makes it to St. Paul, where he hails an extortionist masquerading as a cabbie.

Jan 28 Denver@New Orleans: Chris Paul's 17 assists make headlines, but true heads recognize J.R. Smith's dunk-steal-three-steal-three sequence over 26 inconsequential garbage time minutes.

Jan 28 Memphis@Oklahoma City: Marc Gasol finally gives coleslaw a chance. Lunch is never the same.

Jan 28 Philadelphia@Houston: One gnarly Carl Landry putback causes Ed Stefanksi to protest on the grounds that "you can't do that on television."

Jan 28 Golden State@Dallas: Mavericks fans want to boo, but Ronny Turiaf is just too damn cute.

Jan 28 Charlotte@Portland: Gerald Wallace, Jason Richardson, and Adam Morrison had a long talk. The result: everlasting friendship, and a blood pact pledging to never shave their mustaches.

Jan 28 Chicago@L.A. Clippers: Paul Davis' graphic novel isn't selling well, but Luol Deng gives it an enthusiastic review on his blog "Luol Deng's Thoughts on Life, the Universe and Everything."

Jan 29 Cleveland@Orlando: LeBron tells Hedo that if the Magic win, he will drive a wedge between the Turk and Adonal Foyle once again. Hedo pleads for mercy, and shoots a suspicious 0-for 27 from the field.

Jan 29 San Antonio@Phoenix: Two mascots enter the cage. Only one will come out.

Jan 30 Boston@Detroit: Bob Cousy, still sore about the way Comcast let him go, stumbles out onto the court at the Palace and starts calling for the ball. Rondo obliges, and Cousy scores the most improbable 20 points of the season.

Jan 30 Miami@Indiana: Dwyane Wade insists to the local media he is happy in Miami. Shawn Marion, entering the locker room with his new chinchilla entourage, does not help Wade's case.

Jan 30 Washington@Philadelphia: Marreese Speights' smile could put out an eye, and does.

Jan 30 Milwaukee@Toronto: "Roko Ukic for three!" becomes a saddest coda of Sam Mitchell's career.

Jan 30 New Jersey@Atlanta: No one notices that the Bobcats have replaced the Hawks in Atlanta. Well, no one but Vince Carter, who spends the entire game searching the arena for Ashton Kutcher.

Jan 30 L.A. Clippers@Cleveland: Tim Thomas calls LeBron "overrated" to his face. The ensuing melee leaves 14 dead.

Jan 30 L.A. Lakers@Minnesota: Your celebrity guest at the broadcast table: Suze Orman. Luke Walton remains distracted throughout.

Jan 30 Charlotte@Denver: At first Joe Johnson was skeptical of the switcheroo with the Bobcats, but a second opportunity to play in Denver this season makes it all worthwhile. Too bad a snowstorm delays this one until 3:30 a.m., which is past Al Horford's bedtime.

Jan 30 Oklahoma City@Utah: Kevin Durant insists the Thunder are "playing for the freedom of C.J. Miles." For his part, C.J. Miles says he's playing "because I have to."

Jan 30 Golden State@New Orleans: Marcus Williams goes on a shooting spree, hitting 17 of 20 shots. Rare home loss for the Hornets.

Jan 30 Chicago@Sacramento: Ben Gordon tells everyone who'll listen he'd love to play in Sacramento. Kevin Martin tells him during the tipoff that the Kings are no longer accepting applications.

Jan 31 New York@Indiana: Seventy-eight of Indiana's 84 FGAs come from behind the three point arch. Jim O'Brien is a hack, D'Antoni thinks to himself.

Jan 31 New Jersey@Philadelphia: Julius Hodge gets the D-League call-up moments before the tip. He shows up to the Spectrum, though, and can't understand why Philadelphia would play in an invisible arena.

Jan 31 Dallas@Miami: Dwyane Wade gets to the line only twice, actually. Mark Cuban's goatee looks more salt than pepper at this point, to be quite honest.

Jan 31 L.A. Lakers@Memphis: Pau Gasol is booed so mercilessly that Marc Gasol steps in implore the Grizz fans to stop. But then Rudy Gay starts up a "Pau sucks!" chant, and it all goes downhill from there ...

Jan 31 L.A. Clippers@Washington: Baron Davis' lunch meeting with Secretary of State Clark goes well, and Baron thinks good progress will be made with regards to negotiating with the Arcadian secession movement.

Jan 31 Golden State@Houston: Stephen Jackson buys the Toyota Center's complete stock of Dikembe foam fingers and passes them out to children and the homeless at a suburban Taco Bell. "There is no better feeling than giving back something valuable to the community," reads a quote from Jackson in the NBA.com story.

Jan 31 Atlanta@Milwaukee: Joe Johnson, back in his familiar uniform, just has to find someone to discuss the new Nicholas Sparks with. Thank God for Scott Skiles' voracious reading habit.

Jan 31 New Orleans@San Antonio: The game of the 19th century, according to advance promo material. It's hard to run in leather breeches and a waistcoat, but the top hats provide a nice touch.

Jan 31 Chicago@Phoenix: Vinny Del Negro benches Derrick Rose due to unspecified team violations. Word leaks out Rose tried to bullshit his way through a book report. What, you think VDN hasn't read The Crying of Lot 49?

Jan 31 Utah@Portland: Travis Outlaw kicks off his 2010 Congressional campaign in style, with 25 points, 8 rebounds, 7 assists, 6 steals and 5 blocks. Andrei Kirilenko remembers better days, and has to cry himself to sleep.

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At 10/17/2008 10:33 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

this stuff should be in the book. What will those wacky Lopez bros. do next?

At 10/17/2008 11:35 AM, Blogger MC Welk said...

channeling Van Vliet, I think this is the best batch yet

At 10/17/2008 1:52 PM, Blogger ognihs said...

i have a hard time believing that the clipps will have motivated to call anyone anything this season, but other than that. these things are straight fiyah.

At 10/17/2008 4:23 PM, Blogger Doctor said...

The (self-proclaimed) FD D-LIG is still looking for 2 more players. H2H format with unconventional setups and talented competitors.

Let me know if you're interested.

drherman at gmail dot com

At 10/17/2008 10:05 PM, Blogger Kareem Elzein said...

I think it is worthwhile to mention that FD just got co-opted by ESPN (once again, probably). In their preview of the coming year, they ask basketball in-the-knows about their reads in the 'crystal ball'.

Read the bit by Andy Ferguson and Ricardo Viramontes. Anyone think they're fans of the site?


I haven't verified, but I wouldn't be surprised if they put something down verbatim.

At 10/17/2008 10:50 PM, Blogger gordon gartrelle said...

This series is the shit. I wish I could have written the Presidential 21 Tournament results as parsimoniously.

At 10/19/2008 6:32 AM, Blogger T. said...

There's an awful lot of slapping and weeping to look forward to this NBA season, no?

Joe Alexander got huge applause and cheers for speaking pretty good Mandarin at both China Games this week. Look for a run on Joe Alexander jerseys at the local fake market.

At 10/19/2008 4:52 PM, Blogger BreadCity said...

What can I even say? This is truly next level.

At 10/20/2008 2:59 PM, Blogger Jack Brown said...


At 4/13/2009 1:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...




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