One Good Thing Explains Another

For my money, Ladies and Gentlemen, The Fabulous Stains is the best rock movie ever. Maybe Cocksucker Blues burns it alive when it comes to just plain hangin' out, falling in love, and playing it cool (emphatically NSFW video). But nothing quite captures the crushing desperation, snarling idealism, and complex post-Situationist trappings of punk rock like Stains.

As a bonus, you get perhaps the most realistic depiction of the adolescent female experience this side of Thirteen. You also seen that Laura Dern was kind of hot before she grew up, and Diane Lane has pretty much been hot since the day she was born, which since both were probably underaged during the filming of this movie should make you feel really weird. Or remind you of a scene in Six Feet Under that would be hilarious if it plopped down in the middle of Entourage, where Nate's friend tells him that sometimes he looks at his daughter's friends and feels something he hasn't felt since he was a teen himself.

The really awesome part about this movie, which would be the defining film of the decade were it not for Superman III, is that it was produced by Lou Adler. You know the face, if not the name. He sits next to Jack! He's at every Lakers game! He is basketball incarnate! And thus, like the brilliant plot-fuck that would result if you put The Orphan's twist at the end of Know1ng, all is right and it's time to sum up the off-season with some of the most quotable moments from the early going of Stains. Not a wasted word in it—kind of the opposite of this summer.

You know, you think this town wouldn't die. That's how dumb you are. This town died years ago!

Is Steve Nash talking about himself or the Suns here? Or the Arizona housing market?

And she died of lung cancer?

That's what they call it.

What do you call it?


Yao and T-Mac were always playing on borrowed time. You could say that we should enjoy what they gave us, or get really angry at them, like me when I read about Bill Walton.

You father was never around?

Your father is dead. BEEP He was in the army BEEP Means you get more money BEEP Have a good day BEEP

Artest has reached that point where he can't shock or surprise himself or others. So everything's cool. Like Hawaii being build on a bunch of volcanoes.

What goals did your mother have in life?

I don't know, I wouldn't call her and ask.

This whole "Kevin Durant gaining on LeBron" thing is bad for everyone involved, including fans of both.

Here you are, just sitting around at home wasting time

I wouldn't call it wasting time

I hope GMs are showing off their cap space as a means to get female attention.

What about love?

I'm too far gone for love.

Whatever happened to Kirilenko?

So long as you're alive. .

I mean, we can sit here and waste our precious time philosophizing about love, and make it sound terrific, but what it boils down to is that we're just a bunch of horny dogs.

And this is why Don Nelson will always have a job, even if he has to pay himself.

Do you think your views may change as you grow older?

Grow older?

Let's quit cautiously pealing away the onion's layers and admit that Iverson's bind is all about issues of African-American masculinity.

What happened to the furniture?

I sold it.

George Shinn should've thought of that before dealing everyone's BFF and NBA sex symbol Tyson Chandler.

I like you and your sister. I think you're all nice kids. But I say to myself. .

You'd better watch yourself, because if they catch you talking to yourself like that, they're going to fire you for sure.

Strangely meta-moment, seeing as the viewer is constantly asking him/herself "can I find a very young Diane Lane attractive, since she looks so much like later Diane Lane, and carries herself like an adult?" You people are sick! This line tells you that!

Now Corrine Burns, what are you going to do?

My name isn't Corrine Burns. It's Third Degree Burns. I'm the lead singer and manager of the Stains.

There has to be some player I'm forgetting who is sitting around waiting for a huge deal to drop in his lap. The one holdover who doesn't get that things have changed. I mean shit, even Tim Thomas went quietly.

One time I heard Larry Hughes and Darius Miles talk for half an hour about how each of them was going to get their next big contract. This was two years ago.

In case you haven't heard, you're the laughingstock of this town.

Hey, did you hear the one about David Kahn?

Don't you have something to do? You know. Maybe your homework for once. Or you could take Jason for a walk, or how about cleaning your room. Huh? What do you think?

Nice multiple choice.

Kevin Pritchard and the Blazers may have had to settle for Andre Miller. Or they showed they have the strength and cunning to contain multitudes. This is a central debate among scholars of class and values.

I gave you your name.

That's why it's so lousy.

Actual exchange between Donald Sterling and Elgin Baylor.

We're the #1 rock 'n' roll group in the world and we're going to see that everything's going to be different. It's got to change. The first thing we're going to do, we're going to build a radio station tomorrow. And we're not going to play no commercials, or no news. Just rock 'n' roll and the truth. 1-2-3-4!!!!!!

You don't draft Brandon Jennings to come along slowly or get muzzled by Skiles. You grab a new era by the horns and hope you've got good insurance.

Now you're really going to have a freak.

Zach Randolph to Memphis only makes sense if that's where the Ghostbusters have built their new containment unit.

ELSEWHERE: On a more serious, less petty note, please read my column on the joys of restricted free agency.

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At 7/30/2009 4:37 PM, Blogger MC Welk said...

Laura Dern is still a Ramblin' Rose.

At 7/30/2009 9:08 PM, Blogger m. Alana said...

I've said it before - the day FreeDarko and FourFour meet and conjoin will either be the greatest moment in the history of the internet - or will be its destruction.


At 7/30/2009 9:11 PM, Blogger ItTakesAThiefToCatchAThief said...

....um....I didn't get it.

At 7/30/2009 11:05 PM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

I love FourFour . . . I think the day I appeared as a guest on "Pot Psychology" would be the destruction of the internet.

At 7/30/2009 11:36 PM, Blogger Greg said...

Do people actually like Thirteen?

At 7/30/2009 11:58 PM, Blogger Josh said...

Nice work Shoals. I felt so tired and sad after reading that Simmons column. I mean, I'm pretty much identical to him demographically, and that piece felt like it was written by someone really old and inexcusably white. Not to mention lazy. A little venom was called for.

At 7/31/2009 2:07 AM, Blogger C said...

As a middle school teacher, I still can't help my heart from fluttering whenever my class watches The Outsiders movie and Diana Lane first appears as Cherry Valance...

At 7/31/2009 3:19 AM, Blogger Nick said...

I would've probably chosen that classic Justine Bateman/Julia Roberts vehicle "Satisfaction"--just to put a different kind of twist on the knife--but this is deserving of some kind of award for obscure satire...watch for plaintive Twitters from Simmons: "wtf is a fee waybill?"

word verification="supsies"--a guy with outstanding, projectable ability to say "'sup?": "Dude has great supsies"

At 7/31/2009 4:03 AM, Blogger joseph göner-rebello said...

can we get a mailbag or some shit soon?

At 7/31/2009 9:16 AM, Blogger Joey said...

"As one of the 12 remaining Laura Dern fans...."

Thank you for doing this.

At 7/31/2009 9:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Laura Dern=The only compelling reason to watch all twelve hours of Inland Empire.

Has Bill or ESPN tried to confiscate this post yet. Watch yourself.

At 7/31/2009 10:19 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

I don't think Shoals posted this. It is drivel, and it is rife with misspelllings, and it is as lame as can be. There is in fact no way that the regular purveyor of ideas here at FD purveyed these shitty ideas. Unless he has started drunk-postingn

At 7/31/2009 10:34 AM, Blogger Jamøn Serrano said...

The MOON is the biggest mirror any of us will ever know, Shoals seems to have embraced that shit, and that's when this meta-post does some things that utterly destroy the simmons post (which those with functioning grey cells have somewhat universally lamented as post-retirement Simmons old-man pleasure, "this next passage will change your life, a little.")
I heard that typos build character; and that I'm an extra in the movie of my life.

At 7/31/2009 11:58 AM, Blogger brian said...

the best thing about the movie is how, like videodrome and robocop and putney swoop, half the movie is on tv. the news station interviews are hilarious.

At 7/31/2009 12:27 PM, Blogger Andrew Weatherhead said...

"like the brilliant plot-fuck that would result if you put The Orphan's twist at the end of Know1ng"


At 7/31/2009 2:08 PM, Blogger Reverend Paul Revere said...

Yep, these are FreeDarko's readers.

At 7/31/2009 2:17 PM, Blogger BPH said...

I wanna know what ever came of that discussion on the use of the word "ether" regarding matters such as this. It was kicked around here in the comments a few months back. Cool? Not cool? Can I get a ruling on this?

At 7/31/2009 2:36 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

@RPR I was waiting to see how long it took...

At 7/31/2009 5:01 PM, Blogger Joey said...

@BPH--my personal stance is that "ether" remains acceptable. Unlike, say, "swag," which has been worn out through overuse, "ether" remains something that is used for specific circumstances among only specific audiences. You'll never see an ESPN.com article that freely employs it, for example. I think it is a great term. Just my opinion, though.

At 7/31/2009 8:56 PM, Blogger BPH said...

@ Joey: I agree. Though now I feel awkward because I was asking (mostly) in jest. Either your response was straight-faced satire that went over my head, or you were just being a good guy and answering my question. But, if the latter is true: Simmons usually deliberates with himself over whether or not Teri Hatcher was hot in some movie and then asks if he can get a ruling. I thought this habit of his was in the pantheon of Simmons cliches -- along with being one of the few remaining NBA fans, and lighting himself on fire -- but it very well could be too obscure. Apologies if you're well-aware. And sorry for piling on and probably making Shoals cringe.

At 8/02/2009 5:24 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

@joey, bph

totes disagree holmes. 'ether' is lame and white, speaking of racial cliches. no one worth their salt in dj screw tapes gives a shit about the concept of the 'ether' or being 'ethered' ne-mor.

swag, on the other hand, is a graceful, eternal, and absolutely empowering concept that will never lose its majesty/allure.

besides, can't we all admit that both sides of that whole takeover/ether shit was pretty whack? manufactured beef ≠ good beef raps. legit beef raps include the the bridge saga, roxanne roxanne/roxanne shante (ugh), and of course the confusing and maybe a little stupid oj da juiceman and gucci mane diss track by jeezy "23 24." seriously, sample lyric "i used play kobe until i played lebron"

does that mean a thing?? has the trap star been playing too much 2k9??

more importantly, T.I.'s epic What U Know (a savage raping of lil flip) probably sets the bar yo.

wv nedglefy: hipster slang for being enlightened by a conscious rap show

At 8/02/2009 5:27 PM, Blogger Unknown said...


killed it.

At 8/04/2009 12:00 PM, Blogger Marc said...

"Thirteen" is not a realistic depiction of the adolescent female experience.

At 8/04/2009 12:04 PM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

Hint: I had to look up the name of "13" and have never seen it. This "piece" is a dig at someone else's similar effort.

At 8/04/2009 1:53 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

Awesome. But you must have never seen the real best rock movie ever: Rock Star ...

At 8/06/2009 5:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, I think Do people actually like Thirteen?

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At 8/06/2009 5:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, Joe I agree you ...

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