On Dogs, Delphinidae and Qyntel Woods - A Recipe for Healing
I am here to comfort you. To tell you that there is no further need to worry. No more cause for concern. Your pain will be eased and your love will come full bloom.
We will cradle him. We will nurture him. We will raise him. Like so many other castaways who have arrived on these shores, the tropics will heal the deep scars of troubles never forgotten.
As an Ambassador of South Florida, I can tell you that Qyntel Woods is now home.
Miami is his new womb and our rice & beans infused placenta will be the perfect nourishment. We’ve had practice before. Qyntel is just the latest in a long sordid line of reclamation projects. And while our success rate overall has never been perfect, it has made for good entertainment.
While reclamation projects in
The four are:
Dolphins Running Backs. Miami Marlins Relievers Florida
- Any Miami Hurricane Football player.
Heat Swingmen. Miami
That Qyntel falls in the last of the list is the first sign of encouragement. Of course,
Of course,the Dolphins have made the RB position one of the constant soap opera positions in all of sports history - from the purported Dan Marino sidekicks of Sammy Smith, Bobby Humphrey, Mark Higgs, John Avery and Cecil Collins to the now omnipotent and omnipresent lone might of Ricky Williams - the pinnacle of humbling and psychiatric freakishness. It is a black hole of jukers, stiff armers and sweepers. A land mine for talent.
(If anything proves my feelings about Qyntel Woods most concisely it is the Miami Hurricanes program. They disprove the dolphin theorum I propose below, but that is chiefly because they are on their own level of eliteness. Surpassed by only a few things - like slam dunks.)
Hot Hot Heat
Hot Hot Heat
Bringing us to Miami Heat Swingmen. Throughout the NBA, athletic men who can play the 2, 3 or 4 are almost always talented, enigmatic, dysfunctional and a source of endless enjoyment. But we’ve had almost more than our own fair share in
In Qyntel there exists greater pain than in almost all the others. Sanscrit indicates that for him to reach his promise many cancers must be eliminated – part of the journey will be easy, but the majority will be a rival to the Crusades.
Fate suggests that Qyntel's Renaissance will not be the same as every other Riley reclamation project. His career has already been so strangely chaotic. He is a vibe.
It is Qyntel's deeper pain – terribly hidden and impossible to grasp – that will require deeper, more targeted treatment and quite possibly the aid of a friend from under the sea.
The Blazers leave a curse that can only be lifted by alternate treatmeant. In this case, the answer lies in the Animal Kingdom and the brand of healing that only a swim can bring!
A Beast of an Approach
Qyntel’s forays into the world of beasts is well documented. His former dog,
(Most notably a treadmill. Can you imagine a 6-8 basketball player forcing a pit bull to run on a treadmill? What does he use? A string with a carrot on it, a whip or electric feedback? So many questions, so little answers.)
The land creatures brought Qyntel pain. Hollywood embodied the pugnacious moxie he tried to expound on the court, but his pet friend's own failures translated in the Master's parallel behavior. Qyntel tried to dominate both himself and Hollywood into submission, never realizing that the world begins and ends in a delicate rawness.
We must find him fairer company. A soft sonar that will cut through the muddied waters of his mind and unearth the gold laying hidden.
To reclaim the dream that is Qyntel Woods, Miami will envelop him in her crystal waters in the company of the closest thing there is to a hairless man with a blow hole. Yes, the very same mascot of our dissapointing flagship franchise, the Atlantic Dolphin.
The Dolphin seems the only creature both sage and insane enough suited for the task of bringing to potential a promising 6-8 small forward with good range, defensive prowess and great athleticism.
Reasons for this carefully constructed logic abound. There is no way Qyntel would pit Dolphins against each other in battle. They are simply too lovable. Their jumps through the tides should make even his callous heart melt. He will parallel their own existence with his own. Jumping through hoops on the basketball court and in the pool.
I am so confident that a new Flipper of Promiso Proportions will be a healer for Mr. Woods that I present to you two different examples of the fringe existence of Dolphin behavior. I am confident that they will offer you the same fearless prediction of redemption for Qyntel that I now recognize. They are kindred beasts.
"Brazilian scientists have reported for the first time ever homosexual behavior among dolphins living in their natural habitat, a Brazilian daily said Monday.
A team of Brazilian marine experts was studying the behavior and reproduction habits of the stenella longirostris species [long-snouted spinner dolphin] at the archipelago of Fernando de Noronha off northeastern
Scientists at the
Sex among males is easier to testify because their sexual organs are external, according to the head researcher of the center, which operates in partnership with federal environmentalist agency Ibama.
The researchers say sex is prevalent among dolphins because they live in big herds, which may reach as many as 1,200 dolphins."
"Especially during 2003 we’ve had an increasing volume of reports about other dolphins visiting Dusty’s area, but conflicting opinions about whether she has actively interacted with them or not. On 3rd October 2003 a most dramatic incident occurred in which three larger dolphins, believed to be male, chased Dusty into the shallows where she was apparently taking refuge and forcibly took her out to sea with them. This was witnessed by observers both in the water (Ute and Jane) and on the shore and was concisely described to use by one local commentator as ‘Dusty was gang-banged’. That may sound over-dramatised, but during the late 1980’s researchers in
Male coalitions have not been found to be universally prevalent in other bottlenose populations world-wide, and the abduction of one dolphin by others, with or without forced copulation, has not previously been recorded in European waters.
Once again, observations of an ‘aberrant’ solitary dolphin have added interesting new information to our knowledge of bottlenose dolphin society in general."
The Dolphin - often Homosexual and often guilty of gang rape - yet always renowned as a healer to those who suffer from blindness, deafness, autism and an inconsistent jumper...
It only makes perfect sense that an enigmatic basketball player will be healed by forgiving mammals who know that while one of their dogmatic brethren, Hollywood, the Sam Bowie of Prize Fighters, may have been mistreated, what lays in Qyntel's hightops is a gift that even an abused dog would forgive him for.
I return to my earlier reference of the Miami Hurricanes. If only Qyntel was more Hurricane he would still be dysfunctional but in a must more effective and vast way. Now he's just a mess.
With a nod to Pat Riley and the flock of Van Gundys, I see that the prescription has been written. If they only heed our recommendation, the investment would pay off in buckets of sardines. A ridiculously athletic compliment to D-Wade, Shaq and the rest of the cast. (This will be the first time I will mention the Van Gundys in the same breath as Riley when referencing greatness. I will be upset if it happens again, but still may.)
Dolphins are beloved for their crazy antics, shiny domes and ability to kick field goals. In spite of their weird sex habits. It is clearer to me now than ever before that Dolphins are the sea venturing mammal version of the Healers of Albatron, the prodigous Delphinidae whose keen powers of mind can mend even the strongest rift in any creature. Mana themselves.
Not yet whales, not exactly porpoises, but capable of delivering Qyntel Woods his soul.