Pure, pure rot
Apparently, the way to Bill Simmons's heart is writing in the first-person, somehow involving a woman in your sports story, having throughly ungrounded and visceral feelings toward a random athlete, and dropping a few facile pop culture references. Read his intern finalists if you must, but know that we here at FreeDarko will kill every last one of them until we alone stand beside his throne.
Oh, and for good measure, "I was dating this girl who loved to watch public access tv, and I convinced her to let me watch the Grizzlies game by telling her that Brian Cardinal was based on a charater on 'Home Improvement.' But once she caught sight of Jason Williams, who's like Jin after a few dates with Ashlee Simpson, she said I'd have to walk to campus unless I stopped yelling unintelligibly about Mike Miller's rare good hair day."