10.18.2005

DerMarr vs. DeShawn: A Guide for the Confused and Obsessed

In discussing our upcoming pick in Nels' fantasy basketball league for bloggers, Shoals revealed to me that he has always confused DerMarr Johnson and DeShawn Stevenson. On one level, the confusion is understandable, as the two players share many qualities. Both were McDonald's All-Americans in high school, were members of the same draft class, and they both inexplicably have a capital letter in the middle of their first names. Also, since they spent a combined one year in college and have yet to convincingly claim a starting position in the Association, they aren't on the radars of most casual fans. However, Shoals, with his obsessive devotion to the NBA, is no casual fan, and his ignorance in this matter is inexcusable. To help him overcome this problem, I have assembled the following guide.


DerMarr Johnson

Measurements: 6-9, 201 lbs.
Birthdate: May 5, 1980
Drafted: 6th overall, 2000
Career averages: 6.7 ppg, 2.5 rpg
Current NBA team: Denver Nuggets
Notable off-court incident: Was in near-fatal car accident in 2002, in which he suffered four cracked vertebrae in his neck


DeShawn Stevenson

Measurements: 6-5, 210 lbs.
Birthdate: April 3, 1981
Drafted: 23rd overall, 2000
Career averages: 6.7 ppg, 2.1 rpg
Current NBA team: Orlando Magic
Notable off-court incident: Charged with statutory rape after having sex with a 14-year old girl in 2001, the summer after his rookie year

Hopefully, this won't further confuse things, but here is the same information for DoNtonio Wingfield, who also has a capital letter in the middle of his first name and who, like DerMarr Johnson, spent one year at Cincinnati before declaring for the NBA Draft.


DoNtonio Wingfield
(I was unable to find a suitable picture of DoNtonio Wingfield, so here is a picture of gay folk singer Harry Wingfield.)

Measurements: 6-8, 256 lbs.
Birthdate: June 23, 1974
Drafted: 37th overall, 1994
Career averages: 3.7 ppg, 2.4 rpg
Current NBA team: No longer in league
Notable off-court incident: Spent one year in prison, after being convicted of assaulting two police officers, resisting arrest, and domestic violence in 1998, the year he was released by the Blazers

Note: If you have come here searching for information about the late Yinka Dare, please leave a comment explaining yourself. From the looks of things, that's how a lot of y'all found the site, and frankly, we don't really get it.

13 Comments:

At 10/18/2005 3:04 PM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

i would also like to extend a very special hand of welcome to whoever found freedarko by googling "the cocaine werewolf," esp. because there seems to be absolutely nothing out there in the world called "the cocaine werewolf." please, who are you, and what were you looking for? if you don't speak up, i'm tm'ing that phrase and naming a synagogue after it.

 
At 10/18/2005 3:34 PM, Blogger Brown Recluse, Esq. said...

i googled "cocaine werewolf," and it appears to be a song by the lama ramas (?). what nba player would best be described by that nickname? john lucas is too obvious, len bias too sad. hmmm....mark madsen plays kind of like a werewolf on coke.

 
At 10/18/2005 4:02 PM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

is JamesOn in an entirely different category?

 
At 10/18/2005 4:49 PM, Blogger Brown Recluse, Esq. said...

i thought about JamesOn. he does already have a notable off-court incident, but his weird mid-name capitalization is a vowel, instead of a consonant, which is totally different. also, he is likely to spend at a minimum 3 years in college.

it's apples and oranges.

 
At 10/18/2005 6:22 PM, Blogger elandfried said...

For some reason the first name that came to mind when I read werewolf on coke was Bo Outlaw.

 
At 10/18/2005 6:46 PM, Anonymous styler said...

i don't think dermarr averages 14 for his career.

and julius hodge is getting charged for sexual assault by a 37 year old woman who expected him to "wine and dine her"

also, amare gets a couple thousand words for a bad knee and jason collier up and dies w/out mention??
stiffs r ppl too!

 
At 10/18/2005 7:45 PM, Blogger elandfried said...

Yeah, I noticed that about DerMarr...I think he's more like 7 and 2.5.

That's wonderful news about Julius Hodge and only confirms my theory that he is also 37 years old.

I guess big white stiffs aren't as cool as they used to be...unless they are European of course. It's too bad, I still have a soft spot in my heart for the Mark Eatons and Joe Kleines of the world.

 
At 10/18/2005 7:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

DerMarr Miles Johnson's actual career averages:
6.7 ppg 2.5 rpg 1.0 apg

Not quite as impressive, but entirely befitting of a nearly 6-10 shooting guard with a capitalized letter in the middle of his name.

 
At 10/18/2005 8:14 PM, Blogger Brown Recluse, Esq. said...

i don't know where the hell i got those numbers. i thought they seemed way too high. maybe those were his preseason numbers or something. anyway, now that i've corrected them, it's pretty astonishing how close dermarr and deshawn's stats are. crazy.

 
At 10/20/2005 12:57 PM, Blogger glomgold said...

I wonder why fans never gave a shit that a 19 year old Stevenson banged a 14 year old girl. And speaking of which, why the hell do we still have to see R. Kelly on TV? Shouldn't that dude be in jail?

 
At 10/30/2006 2:39 AM, Anonymous vlspider said...

Yes, I also found this by Googling "Cocaine Werewolf". Kinda odd I must say.
vlspider@gmail.com

 
At 1/31/2007 9:30 AM, Blogger Mark said...

For the record, DeShawn is currently on the Wizards starting next to Agent Zero.

 
At 1/31/2007 9:36 AM, Blogger Trey said...

DerMarr Johnson was the kid who almost came out of HS after his junior year, right? If this had happened, and he had been drafted 6thish, would he be the worst pick ever?

 

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