1.12.2006

Tears of Some Clowns



It began with an email confession from Shoals that "every time I see that stand-up comedy part of the KG commercial, I start crying," to which DLIC replied with the pronouncement that it was the "SADDEST COMMERCIAL EVER" and that KG was a very lonely man not unlike "David Ruffin circa first album post-Temptations." Shoals came back with "That commercial is totally Chris Bell in Europe," and it was on. Many emails and a couple text messages later, quite a list had been compiled, which is presented here for your enjoyment:

that commercial is oj simpson by himself watching the 2006 rose bowl
that commercial is jameer nelson on draft night
that commercial is rob babcock
that commercial is zora neal hurston in the last years of her life
that commercial is biz markie on celebrity fit club
that commercial is cappadonna
that commercial is tony soprano at the end of last season
that commercial is rashard lewis in the green room
that commercial is chris farley's death
that commercial is what "last days" should have been
that commercial is bo kimble's nba career
that commercial is ed harris' character in 'the hours'
that commercial is shareef abdur-rahim's arthritic knee
that commercial is BG
that commercial is geno auriemma
that commercial is derek fisher at the espy's
that commercial is charlton heston on the set of wayne's world 2
that commercial is peyton in new england
that commerical is johnny thunders in new orleans
that commercial is seth cohen in portland
that commercial is arthur ashe
that commercial is grady little
that commerical is peter jackson's "king kong"
that commercial is eating bi bim bab with my ex-girlfriend
that commercial is david letterman
that commercial is eminem's "say goodbye to hollywood"
that commercial is the gobi desert
that commercial is sophomore year homework involving 501 spanish verbs
that commercial is john chaney
that commercial is the ewing theory

that commercial is jandek
that commercial is bruce willis raising his kids
that commercial is carson palmer/chris henry
that commercial is "in living color" re-runs on bet
that commercial is the last scene of "aimee and jaguar"
that commerical is the finale of "cheers"
that commercial is beans waiting for visitors
that commercial is the end of an eightball
that commercial is tvz's major label deal
that commercial is "the dock of the bay"
that commerical is unitas in san diego
that commercial is the veterans' committee
that commercial is "mr. lonely" screwed and chopped
that commercial is every z-ro song not about sex or guns
that commercial is vincent foster
that commercial is richard manuel in "the last waltz"
that commercial is just akon
that commerical is big o crying
that commerical is kickers
that commercial is that gary wilson album
that commercial is thin lizzy
that commercial is the obligatory white big man on every big 10 team
that commercial is the gigantic building-sized cross near amarillo, texas
that commercial is webber's TO
that commercial is al gore conceding
that commercial is time travel
that commercial is sinatra at the oscars
that commercial is dimaggio sending weekly roses to marilyn's grave
that commercial is kobe bryant

It ended with Shoals lying in bed for an hour clutching his woman's arm, unable to speak, finally mustering the energy to send one final email: "You don't understand how incredibly sad this has made me."

KG, we feel your pain.

42 Comments:

At 1/12/2006 8:19 PM, Anonymous 412hater215 said...

that commercial is every common album after resurrection (my mother was a woman like. chi-ah chi-ah-ah)

 
At 1/12/2006 11:34 PM, Blogger Drew said...

That commercial is Adonal Foyle's website

 
At 1/12/2006 11:46 PM, Blogger Neil Scientist said...

that commercial is you are free

 
At 1/13/2006 8:53 AM, Blogger emynd said...

Adonal Foyle's moving eyes on that website are intensely scary.

-e

 
At 1/13/2006 9:53 AM, Blogger Brown Recluse, Esq. said...

did anyone see the subtle shoutouts to free darko on the oc last night? i'm still investigating the matter, but i'll let y'all know more later.

 
At 1/13/2006 10:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That commercial is Yao Ming's big toe. (Get better soon big fella).

 
At 1/13/2006 11:15 AM, Blogger Dr. Lawyer IndianChief said...

**footnote

david ruffin comment inspired by the janitor at my friend nat's old job (by proxy: inspired by nat)

carry on.

 
At 1/13/2006 12:40 PM, Blogger zachille o'neal said...

i laugh my ass off everytime i see this commercial. why so sad? because the wolves are lame?

 
At 1/13/2006 1:04 PM, Anonymous garrett said...

that commercial is jim jones with a fade

 
At 1/13/2006 1:26 PM, Blogger Brickowski said...

because he's so alone. because he tries so hard.

i think the spot's really sad, but i might be biased since i read shoals' email before actually seeing it. i wonder if it was intended to be this sad, though. the website makes the campaign seem like The Lebrons: hero kg, kid kg, warrior kg, comedian kg. and they have a little garnett comment on each one--"i like to have fun. comedy is part of having fun."

then again, there is that music. and KG alone in the gym. is imposibility nothing?

regardless:
that commercial is the bicycle thief.
that commercial is having to get drunk before the day begins, before your mother starts bitchin about ya friends.
that commercial is Screech.

 
At 1/13/2006 1:35 PM, Blogger mutoni said...

that commercial is this blog

 
At 1/13/2006 1:41 PM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

that contrast with the lebrons is what really gets me. lebron's different sides are in-your-face, all style, show us the flavor and variety of the kid. kg's are totally wistful and self-aware, but also twice as fantastic and disparate. because the world, and the league, just ain't ready, can't fathom, "the KG's."

 
At 1/13/2006 3:53 PM, Blogger Brickowski said...

do you think the difference between the two is mostly a product of age? i mean, for roughly his first 8 years in the league, KG was DA KID, and his eventual dominance was taken for granted. lebron's in the same kind of place right now, though he still has some time before he really feels the yoke of expectation. i remember barkley talking in 1997 after his rockets had just swept KG and Steph out of their first postseason series. the chuckster, ever wise, said that up to this point everything had been fun for the young Wolves, but that things would now get a lot tougher. at the time, the statement seemed reasonable, but nobody could've known how prophetic it would ultimately become.

 
At 1/13/2006 3:56 PM, Anonymous illwafer said...

rectum? it nearly kill 'em!

 
At 1/13/2006 4:04 PM, Blogger emynd said...

That commercial is like the Lil' Weezy line: "Standin' on stage in front of thousands/ Don't amount to me not having my father."

Nothing was as sad as KG breaking down and crying in that John Thompson interview last year with John Thompson encouraging him, "Crying isn't a sign of weakness... it's a sign of strength. I see a strong man sitting in front of me."

That was one of the most heart-wrenching things I've ever seen.

 
At 1/13/2006 4:18 PM, Blogger Dr. Lawyer IndianChief said...

As previously seen on Freedarko, you can peep the KG/JohnThompson interview HERE

Life-altering.

Why KG is different from Lebron (and everyone else). No tradition. Despite Chocolate Thunder, Moses Malone, etc. there was no "system" for how high schoolers adapt to the NBA. Additionally, he was placed onto a team with zero history and zero winning tradition(quick shameless comparison: Duncan was preceeded by Admiral who was preceeded by Iceman...IM NOT TRYING TO GET INTO THIS RIGHT NOW).

Oh, and a few contributions from Nat himself (who is not a hoops fan):


That commercial is Chrome bags on the subway.
That commercial is James Frey's next book.
That commercial is the Rainbo calendar in my cubicle

 
At 1/13/2006 5:47 PM, Anonymous panoptican said...

KG needs to get out of Minnesota. For us T-Wolves fans, it would suck for sure. But watching that commercial and watching the video that IndianCheif just provided just makes me feel terrible. Goddamn.

Free KG.

 
At 1/13/2006 8:00 PM, Blogger billikenbluff said...

This is like that old "Nas is Like" song.

That commericial is like The Old Superfolks' Home exhibit at the Whitney Museum in '03.

http://ffmedia.ign.com/filmforce/image/nursinghome.jpg

 
At 1/14/2006 3:00 AM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

speaking of emotional longing, if my readers feel like rewarding me for the birthday i just had. . .

http://cgi.ebay.com/GERALD-WALLACE-Lighted-BAR-Sign-CHARLOTTE-BOBCATS_W0QQitemZ8745398755QQcategoryZ44818QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

 
At 1/15/2006 10:44 AM, Anonymous htiafnoj said...

That Commercial is Desagana Diop starting over Erik Dampier

 
At 1/15/2006 1:27 PM, Anonymous Dr. Doctor said...

The difference between KG and Lebron is depth, emotion, and soul. He has been through more, proven himself more, and openly cared more than Lebron (of course - what is he, 20?) or, I would argue, just about anyone else in the league. KG is old school cool. Raw and emotional.

Death to irony and cynicism, Long Live KG!

That said, this commercial is your older brother crying as he beats your ass senseless.

 
At 1/15/2006 4:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That commercial is Charles Bronson leaving his lady's apartment at 3:37am.

 
At 1/15/2006 8:20 PM, Blogger Dr. Lawyer IndianChief said...

BETTIS' FUMBLE IS THE KG COMMERCIAL.

 
At 1/16/2006 12:25 PM, Blogger kellydwyer said...

What was so sad about Manual in the "Last Waltz?"

I thought Ronnie Hawkins was much sadder, calling out individual names and whatnot.

Damn, Manual was hairy.

 
At 1/16/2006 12:47 PM, Anonymous Terry E said...

While this commercial is obviously trying to tap into our emotional reserves, I believe it is the least manipulative piece of advertising going right now. What does it say? That KG is a player with a unique combination (leadership in the video-game war, heroism on the rooftop, quickness in "Da Kid," banger aggression as the gladiator, disarming wit as the stand-up, etc etc) that is rare in one basketball player. All of these things, as the above reactions would suggest, are absolutely true. (Most people do not have an emotional reaction to known falsehoods.) That KG is, by all accounts and as is evident in the John Thomson interview, also that rare athlete unwilling or incapable of being anything but himself in the public eye (even when pimping sneakers!) is kept intact in this commercial as well. Even the fantastic visual effects are reflective of the fantastic nature of seeing a 7-footer run the point. Pornographic shot of the shoes aside, this is less a commercial than a map of the man’s psyche, and one that most people, at this point in his career, recognize and empathize with. The fact that KG smiles and nods once he’s in the gym shows us that he knows who he is, and that it’s all good. So that's not sadness you're feeling – it's something rarer in today's media: truth. Which can be hard to take - especially from a television commercial pushing shoe leather.

 
At 1/16/2006 4:58 PM, Anonymous Josh said...

Welcome to the blog, Terry Eagleton.

http://www.art.man.ac.uk/english/staff/te/

In the meantime: that commercial made me feel good. Am I sick?

 
At 1/16/2006 5:18 PM, Anonymous snutz said...

That commercial is the last 5 minutes of "Requiem For A Dream"

That commercial is Bill S. Preston, esq.

That commercial is aces cracked by kings

 
At 1/17/2006 4:21 PM, Blogger emynd said...

That commercial is "I think we should just be friends."

 
At 1/17/2006 7:28 PM, Anonymous Ballup said...

That commercial is pretty god-damn crazy. I mean, holy shit. HOLY SHIT! I know KG is brave and powerful and funny, but WHY DID THEY TURN ALL HIS LITTLE FRIENDS INTO A CURTAIN? And why can't I turn my classmates into one? I need answers. And shoes. New... black.. basketball shoes...

 
At 1/17/2006 7:39 PM, Anonymous Antipants said...

That commercial is Elliot Smith.

 
At 1/17/2006 9:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

that commercial is willie mays with the mets
that commercial is michael jackson
that commercial is the lobby at the dmv

 
At 1/18/2006 1:59 AM, Anonymous k dogg said...

That commercial is joyous funk piercing your heart with supersonic love.
That commercial says yes to the positive and no to all that frontin'.
That commercial is the difference between living large and sleeping in your moms basement.
Who you got? I got KG.

 
At 1/18/2006 10:14 AM, Anonymous Charles said...

i saw this commercial yesterday on espn and felt nothing but goodness. then i saw dick vitale. i was depressed again.

 
At 1/18/2006 4:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

KG is the black Peyton Manning.

 
At 1/18/2006 4:29 PM, Blogger emynd said...

That commercial is someone comparing KG to Peyton Manning.

 
At 1/18/2006 4:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

jandek reference on the money. you're the best blogger on the net. -d. doyle

 
At 1/18/2006 5:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

cool commercial. strange blog. i like it.

 
At 1/23/2006 11:08 AM, Anonymous Hayden Carruth said...

That commercial is cows at night, sad and beautiful like girls very long ago who were innocent, and sad because they were innocent, and beautiful because they were sad.

 
At 1/23/2006 11:26 AM, Blogger Dr. Chestnutt said...

Jandek plays live now and people like him - it's not quite as sad.

 
At 1/23/2006 11:55 AM, Anonymous Mr. Six said...

That commercial is Thoreau at Walden.

 
At 1/25/2006 3:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That commercial is Popeye Jones
That commercial is Cherokee Parks
That commercial is Rafael Araujo

 
At 6/14/2013 6:25 PM, Blogger Jim Philips said...

I haven't watched the commercial. I bet that most of the people watched on Hostpph community.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home