Don't Touch Me

I write this with heavy hands and a trembling heart. Quoth Emynd, “I hate when real life gets in the way of online life. It's so inconvenient.” I was supposed to be Freedarko’s go-to-guy on the WallyZ-for-RickyD trade. Unfortunately, I found out about the trade just as I was stepping off a plane in Palm Springs, California, a town I was forced to stay in over the weekend and a town apparently without internet. Upon my return to FD headquarters, interpersonal misfortune (the details of which I will spare you here) clouded my thoughts on the trade for another 48 hours. Embarrassingly, 7 DAYS have passed between the deal going down and my response. Even more painfully, I have very little to say. I didn’t have to watch the Wolves blowout of the Celtics the other night to know that pretty much everything professional blogger, Bill Simmons, wrote about the trade was wrong.

I know it’s cliché to diss Simmons at this point, but when you’re wrong, well…just because you right for Page2, doesn’t mean you can get a key fact incorrect: Boston will NOT be under the salary cap next year and hence--and I'm STILL not even a huge proponent of this trade--but Minnesota got the edge. Slightly. Potentially more pertinent is the fact that this trade singlehandedly made Minnesota a TOBFF whereas Boston is now a TOWFF. I wish I could say more about the black-white tradeoff, but these two centerpieces do not fit the paradigm as well as you’d like them to. Ricky D (real name Tyree Ricardo Davis IV, no joke) grew up in Moline, Iowa and recorded the first dunk in his high school’s history. Wally Z is one of those white son-of-a-ballplayer guys like the Barry Brothers, so there’s at least something decidedly un-lame about him. What this trade is really about (and what this post should really be about) is TYPES of second options. You have your classic spot-shooter (Wally), your classic slasher (Ricky D), your soft center (Yao), your do-it-all/do-nothing guy (Odom), your Euro (Manu), your fading star (Webber), etc. But no, this post is not going focus on second-option types, but instead on types of female NBA fans. Initially, my plan was to do a general NBA fan subtyping that would include much self-mockery, but I was spurred on towards a different task by the comments made two days ago. Apologies if this is redundant, but see I didn't really get to say my piece on the topic. And when it comes to gender commentary, I'm like the Kevin Harlan of this shit. So I ask to all our female readers: What TYPE are you?!?!?!?

(But first a quick public service announcement:)


On to the femmes…

One preambling note is that I have chosen to focus on a younger demographic. Another preamble is that this is normally where FD would say something socioculturally relevant about gender and sports. Something to justify these prejudiced (in Shoals’ terms “ostensibly sexist”) generalizations. I’m sorry, I can’t really say anything better than what Burns’ said in the comments of the other post. I guess more than anything I just wanted to "get at" gender since we had never done much of that before two days ago. And now I give you:

Oil Can Boyd

To AGAIN restate Ken’s now immortal remark—“who really wants a woman who knows all about Oil Can Boyd”—yeah, you’re right. This is the type of female fan who despite all of her charms and beauty may actually repel the opposite sex with her wealth of sports knowledge. I liken this to a situation in my youth, in which my friend and I were both obsessed with this gorgeous redheaded chick who knew all the words to Aceyalone’s “Headaches and Woes.” When a different rap-loving friend proclaimed that he never wanted to date a girl who liked hip-hop, adding “I want a girlfriend who listens to Mazzy Star,” it became clear. I grew up a lot that day.

I Have Hung Out With Matt Leinart

Hello you. Hello communications major. You make Halloween parties fun. You are a peculiar type. Because you went to a Big Ten University, you have a deceptively high basketball IQ. While dining at the TRU on your birthday, you glanced over and said, “That’s Chris Duhon! (now whispering) Remember that game when the Hoosiers beat Duke in 2002. THAT is the little guy I was talking about having a crush on."


Former high school basketball star. Big on sweatpants and those wire thin headbands. You're asexual in a very cool way. Makes you easy to hang out with. But when it comes down to it, you're a more extreme version of Oil Can Boyd.

Euro Female Fan

A part of you believes that all 7-footers are descendants of Croatian folktale character Fedor, a god-like prince with magical powers to grant wishes. Knowing this, second round picks often try to take advantage of you. You are friends with some of the strippers to whom Darko gave Pistons Starter jackets as gifts.

Read to Achieve

You don't really like basketball. When you grow up you won't really like basketball or sports in general. But when you are 17, you will have some huge fight with your parents about them not letting you go to Diane's cabin for the weekend. You will storm into your room and see this photo on your night stand. You do not know who the man with the funny hat is, but for some strange reason, this photo makes you feel all better.

Male Fan In Touch With Feminine Side

Congregated on the East Coast. Most likely a fan of one of these three Finals-losing teams: (a) The J-Kidd Nets teams that lost in the Finals twice, (b) The Camby-Sprewell Knicks, (c) The Iverson Sixers that won that miracle first game against the Lakers. You really know your shit about one of these teams, but you lack full-scale league-wide knowledge. And since the early 2000s, your interest in the game has waned. Like us, you think Euros are funny. Holler at Sarah Lawrence.

(Skidmore is in the building)


At 2/02/2006 10:28 AM, Blogger americandream said...

FD is fast becoming my go-to for "Guides to the Different Kinds Of People That I Never Personally Interact With."

At 2/02/2006 1:43 PM, Blogger quietmenace said...

Dr.Esq.Ind.: What do you think the modern equivalent of Dream Girl rapping Acey at the 7th Street Entry in '96? A girl who writes for a cool chicago blog? A crazy-dancing girl from Soul Night? Even in the new millennium the message is the same: stay away.

At 2/02/2006 1:52 PM, Anonymous White People Don't Know said...

tyree ricardo for wally world is a style downgrade for my beantown boys, but talentwise those two guys are basically a wash. the far more important part of the trade is getting rid of mark blount. blout, owner of the worst hands in the nba, is the only big white stiff who is actually, as it turns out, black. as a result he ends up being a big white stiff with an attitude problem (sort of reminds me of darko, in that way). for players who have more than 20 mins a game, he is number 2 in the nba in tunovers per 48 minutes, and number 1 in plays causing me to throw the remote across the room. he's so bad that we traded him for kandiman and i'm thrilled.

one thing about the female sports fans: i always thought a girl who liked sports would be a lot of fun, but then i met one, and it sucked. she was a huge redskins fan and was talking a lot of shit about gibbs being the second coming of lombardi, and the whole thing made me uncomfortable. i think the root of it was that i wanted to tell her that not only was she wrong, but also that she was an idiot. i wanted to say that the redskins had the worst offense of any playoff team of the last 3 years, and that i was mad that i had to watch them play. but its sort of like not being allowed to hit girls, you can't yell and curse at them either. fighting and cruelty are a huge part of watching sports; i root against all my friends teams, and i giggle like a maniac when they do something terrible. when a woman who cares about what's going on is present, the acceptibility of all this is called into question, and everything becomes akward.

At 2/02/2006 2:20 PM, Blogger Ken said...

The girl with the pink Kangol: stay away.

At 2/02/2006 3:26 PM, Blogger Dr. Lawyer IndianChief said...

real life meeting internet life is always strange and compelling. thanks guys. i just had a really upsetting thought:


At 2/02/2006 3:47 PM, Anonymous Aaron said...

So the current plan is to go up to Barnard to watch the Super Bowl with some friends. I'm nervous about the possibility, so this guide comes at the perfect time. I wonder which types I'm going to meet up there.

At 2/02/2006 4:03 PM, Blogger Dr. Lawyer IndianChief said...

dude...you're going to barnard to watch the superbowl? what, are you going to watch the final four at the jewish theological seminary?

At 2/02/2006 4:58 PM, Blogger beatdowney said...

ctrl f finds:
pink hat

all i can think of is the females who wear pink red sox gear and the females who hate the females who wear pink red sox gear. most likely, "I Have Hung Out With Matt Leinart" and "Oil Can Boyd" respectively.

i don't know where the female with the "Jeter Swallows" shirt fits in. "Male Fan In Touch With Feminine Side" seems like a good punchline, but i think this female falls into something outside sports. something like "Holds Your Hoodie During Pile-ons."

boston, boston, blah blah blah.

At 2/03/2006 2:16 AM, Anonymous Aaron said...

Going to Barnard for the Super Bowl becomes more understandable when you realize I'm a student at the Cooper Union in engineering. Nerd Central.

My roommate saw me watching a prep basketball game on TV last weekend and asked "That's not the Super Bowl, is it?"

So Barnard is actually a step up, sports fan-wise.

But to answer your question, I'm more likely to watch the Final Four at Yeshiva U than at JTS.

At 2/03/2006 12:01 PM, Blogger Ian said...

This is so not a problem in Georgia. First off, no girl here (or anyone in general) really gives a rat's ass about the NBA. And all the ones worth dating have at least a rudimentary understanding of college football and that's about it. That's good, because it's the only important sport to begin with. They'll know a few name guys and whatnot, but I don't think too many cross the line into "our guards aren't pulling with enthusiasm" hyperknowledge.

At 2/03/2006 12:20 PM, Blogger emynd said...

"Male Fan in Touch with Feminine Side" fits me to a T. I even have that jacket.

This "Hey Emil, you sure are a girly dude for being so hairy" shtick is getting to be a bit predictable.

Somebody kill me. We already know how it all ends.


At 2/03/2006 12:58 PM, Anonymous bliz said...

this article was fucking hilarious. topically though, the female stillers fan is a mildly endearing motherfucking annoying son of a bitch. so unfeminine. my ex is trying to start a polamalu fan club on the net.

At 2/05/2006 11:37 AM, Blogger JoshLove said...

I've gotten my fiance to go from outwardly despising all televised sports to being generally tolerant and occasionally a little stoked about them. She's at that level where she gets genuinely excited when she recognizes the teams and certain players, which is perfect for me b/c watching sports w/ her doesn't have to be this contentious thing but instead just a positive environment where I can congratulate her for knowing the Timberwolves are Minny's mascot or for spotting Steve Nash on the court. And I admit it IS really cute that she has certain favorite players for sorta nebulous but still acceptable reasons - not b/c so-and-so is "hot," but usually b/c they seem nice or endearing - ie. Tony Parker, Duncan, Yao, Melo, Nash, AI (a new favorite for being so small and having such "big pretty eyes"). On the flip, Dirk is an asshole and JKidd is persona non grata for hitting his missus. In general though this works great for me b/c if any of these guys is playing it's easy for me to get her sucked in to watching, and I'm more than happy to give her props for recognizing the occasional goaltend.


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