Drop you off in the middle of fire

So the Phoenix Suns oragnization has cooked up this five-alarm, pistols-drawn flash intro to celebrate their victory last night. I'll let better informed citizens bicker over which city, Phoenix or Dallas, is less qualified to lay claim to a Wild West motif, but it seems to me that some PR people made some crucial missteps in handing out the parts on this one. Let's just say they had me at "yee-haw!":

The "Wanted" Mavs:

Dirk, "The Desperado": How is this a bad thing? A dashing, feared, envied, nothing-to-lose, anti-hero out to go down in a blaze of glory? The Eagles might even be a step up from Hasslehoff.

Josh Howard, "The Bandit": Generally, I'd think this would goofy praised heaped upon a defensive stud.

Jason Terry, "The Trespasser": Weird, petty, reinforces my suspicions that he looks like a child molestor. Plus this seems to admit that the Suns are having problems with him.

The men who triumphed in the "shootout" ("uzi drive-by" seems more accurate for this team, but whatever):

Steve Nash, "The Sheriff": Team leader, fine. Hardly the law and order type, more the kind of guy making up the rules as he goes along than their enforcer. I guess "frontier justice" has an element of that to it, but Nash shouldn't have an office for what he does. Maybe the wilderness of the break, ad hoc authority of a posse head. . .

Raja Bell, "The Sharpshooter": I've said enough about him already. Given his image make-over these playoffs, and what he supposedly represents for this team, shouldn't he be "The Sheriff?"

Shawn Marion, "The Wrangler": Would work for him on defense, but the photo has him dunking, unguarded, presumably on the break. Plus everyone else is fighting crime while he's fucking around with cows. No respect.

Leandro Barbosa, "The Gunslinger": Perfect. Sidenote: anyone who likes the players I do but recognizes the original sin of the term "gunner" should seriously consider investing in this classification and all it stands for.

Mike D'Antoni, "The Marshal": I guess. Hierarchy-wise, it's all that makes sense. Though I'd go with "The Eccentric Millionaire buying up real estate before anyone knew why."

PS: I am not going to drop this, despite the fact that I understand that every team has five players on it and most great centers have had HOF'ers around them. It's about the kind of players they are/were/are supposed to have been and the same assessment of whom they had riding shotgun.


At 5/31/2006 11:48 AM, Blogger Mirabeau Lamar said...

Raja should be "The Madame of the Saloon" - brings the drama; Avery should definitely be the "Itinerant preacher," who condemns the violence, only to pick up a six-gun when the law fails (got a tech last night). Also, Mark Cuban could be the "Banker," who is continually frustrated at being robbed and the lack of objective law enforcement (officiating).

At 5/31/2006 12:36 PM, Anonymous Captain Caveman said...

No, no, no... the Suns' graphic design team is two series too late. The Lakers-Suns matchup, with its undercurrent (riptide?) of violence, was the one that felt like a Wild West shootout. I still think each player should have been allowed one weapon on-court for Game 7. Anyway, that unlocks so many more possibilities; after all, Kobe is a mustache-twirl away from the ideal villain, surrounded by a cast of hapless henchmen: Kwame the big guy that gets kicked in the groin in "Butch and Sundance," Smush the illiterate "yes, boss, right away, boss" guy...

"nzcdlhj" -- Nietzsche didn't like hipster Jews?

At 5/31/2006 1:02 PM, Blogger Tigero is my Afro-Asian said...

Craig Sager: Rodeo Clown. I fully realize this is a point that needs zero discussion, it's like saying Fletch had a big afro. So I'll focus on T squared instead. He's gotta be the bank robber after showing up from a couple of playoff series, getting maxed out by the Senator, and then forcing the move of Big Dog, Sweet Baby Ray, and Sam I M for 3 months of the Isotoner and the Great White Hope. Here's a guy that tanked his career without the help of cannabis, domestic violence, hell even spreading his seed around the country side. For karma's sake, no way the Suns make the Finals.

At 5/31/2006 2:08 PM, Blogger GentleWhoadie9000 said...

I've always thought of lil' Stevie as more the fur-trapper type- singing Alouette and wearing knee-high moccasins.

However, I think that the Suns PR department needs to watch this:
in order to realize that they need to seriously reassess their shit.

By the way, having seen PBS's "Texas Ranch House," I'm inclined to think that the following cast roles need filling (my suggestions in parentheses):

-Disgruntled cook (Avery Johnson)
-Hispanic cowboy (what happened to Najera, the best Mexican basketball player ever to walk the earth?)
-Black cowboy who can break horses (Steve Nash)
-Immigrant European Cowboy (Dirk)

Craig Sager is Marty McFly when he buys all those clothes in the 1980s and then goes back in time to the 1880s.

At 5/31/2006 2:36 PM, Anonymous mtp said...

If anyone is The Wrangler, it's Diaw. And why didn't they get him a clever moniker? Heretofore, I will think of him as Shane. Unpredictable, mercurial, gently fierce.

At 6/01/2006 4:40 AM, Anonymous rainbow squirt said...

The Suns seem more like a Magnificent Seven kind of thing than that whole B-movie Sherrif's posse kick. Nash could be Steve McQueen and Diaw could be Yul Brynner. Tim Thomas would be Charles Bronson and Raja could be James Coburn.

Only problem is the Magnificent Seven fought against evil Mexican bandits, and at present that would be way too hot-button an issue to be throwing down.
A good alternative would be: Cowboys and Mongols. Like there was a timewarp and now the Magnificent Seven are up against:

Howard: Subutai
Stackhouse: Atilla the Hun (old school)
Terry: Genghis Khan (bonus: he kind of looks like him)
Nowitzki: Tamburlaine
Avery Brooks: Akbar the Magnificent

Okay, that's as far as I got.


Post a Comment

<< Home