Drop you off in the middle of fire

So the Phoenix Suns oragnization has cooked up this five-alarm, pistols-drawn flash intro to celebrate their victory last night. I'll let better informed citizens bicker over which city, Phoenix or Dallas, is less qualified to lay claim to a Wild West motif, but it seems to me that some PR people made some crucial missteps in handing out the parts on this one. Let's just say they had me at "yee-haw!":

The "Wanted" Mavs:

Dirk, "The Desperado": How is this a bad thing? A dashing, feared, envied, nothing-to-lose, anti-hero out to go down in a blaze of glory? The Eagles might even be a step up from Hasslehoff.

Josh Howard, "The Bandit": Generally, I'd think this would goofy praised heaped upon a defensive stud.

Jason Terry, "The Trespasser": Weird, petty, reinforces my suspicions that he looks like a child molestor. Plus this seems to admit that the Suns are having problems with him.

The men who triumphed in the "shootout" ("uzi drive-by" seems more accurate for this team, but whatever):

Steve Nash, "The Sheriff": Team leader, fine. Hardly the law and order type, more the kind of guy making up the rules as he goes along than their enforcer. I guess "frontier justice" has an element of that to it, but Nash shouldn't have an office for what he does. Maybe the wilderness of the break, ad hoc authority of a posse head. . .



Raja Bell, "The Sharpshooter": I've said enough about him already. Given his image make-over these playoffs, and what he supposedly represents for this team, shouldn't he be "The Sheriff?"

Shawn Marion, "The Wrangler": Would work for him on defense, but the photo has him dunking, unguarded, presumably on the break. Plus everyone else is fighting crime while he's fucking around with cows. No respect.

Leandro Barbosa, "The Gunslinger": Perfect. Sidenote: anyone who likes the players I do but recognizes the original sin of the term "gunner" should seriously consider investing in this classification and all it stands for.

Mike D'Antoni, "The Marshal": I guess. Hierarchy-wise, it's all that makes sense. Though I'd go with "The Eccentric Millionaire buying up real estate before anyone knew why."

PS: I am not going to drop this, despite the fact that I understand that every team has five players on it and most great centers have had HOF'ers around them. It's about the kind of players they are/were/are supposed to have been and the same assessment of whom they had riding shotgun.