Here, My Dear

In honor of the commencement of the Finals, the big homies over at Mcsweeney's gave my hatefest on the Heat front page treatment today. I'm attempting to write some subtext to the piece, but am getting distracted by this Youtube clip of Marvin Gaye's "Mercy Mercy Me," in which a computer-generated tear is emitted from Marvin's 2-D face to begin the video and then numerous "stars" from Big Daddy Kane, to David Bowie, to what appears to be Holly Robinson Peete give very upset looks into the camera....WHICH IS CLEARLY A METAPHOR FOR THE CONFUSION I AM EXPERIENCING OVER THE CURRENT POSTSEASON

The Heat or The Mavericks will win the Finals in 6 games. I have no idea anymore. Although I have publicly committed to picking the Heat, I simply can't be sure of anything at this point in my life. Marc Stein called Dirk Nowitzki "the toughest player to guard in the series," a series that--just in case anybody needs clarification (or if any ex-girlfriends who don't know anything about basketball are reading this)--includes Shaquille O'Neal. Feel me? David Dupree compared Nowitzki to Jordan in that Dirk "picks up something new every offseason." Dwyane Wade was also deemed Jordan-like for playing a playoff game with the sniffles ("sniffles" was the term used by Udonis Haslem to describe the bug going around the Heat lockerroom). And last series, BOTH Raja Bell and Josh Howard were called "Willis Reed" for coming back and playing with injuries. The NBA is but a mere middle school theater production, in which Emeka Okafor and Eddy Curry are given non-speaking roles as foliage and the part of Willis Reed is chosen before the beginning of every season (next year, I believe the role will be played by Mehmet Okur).

So what do we know? Nothing. In times like this, I tend to go with the team that has more to lose. Shaq and Pat's legacy on the line = Heat should win.

Everybody wants to change the world. Freedarko is just doing our part to make sense of things.


At 6/08/2006 11:54 AM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

dirk is unguardable but he's certainly not unstoppable. shaq can be guarded but not stopped. same with kobe.

lebron, wade, amare are both.

i'm still too depressed over len bias to be stoked about tonight.

At 6/08/2006 12:55 PM, Blogger Rocco Chappelle said...

Ronnie DeVoe, Joe Torry, and The Boyz don't give a shit about the environment.

At 6/08/2006 1:05 PM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

wait, is that a very public answer to my email? if it is, i wasn't saying that the environment made me do it, but that i became aware of the degree to which it was fuelled by the environment.

At 6/08/2006 1:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for that article. Now I'm even more repulsed by the Heat than I was before.

At 6/08/2006 11:40 PM, Anonymous KD said...

I saw that Gaye clip a few weeks ago on Grown Folks Music, which is on BET, and the best show on television.

At 6/09/2006 3:09 AM, Anonymous rainbow squirt said...

1. Anybody who calls Raja Bell "Willis Reed" should be barred from ever using metaphor again as long as they live. He's a key member of the Suns and all, but there need to be limits.

2. I share the reservations B. Shoals and others had about the Heat qua team (Gary Payton(?)!), but damn, two points from their bench? If they don't figure something out real soon, this series could be over in like five games. I still think the D-Wade show has been fun to watch though.

3. Though Shaq cannot be stopped, he can be hack-a'd. One of Shaq's freethrow attempts tonight was made so inaccurately the ball failed to even land inside the arena, and was later found in a tree near the town of Rabbit Hash, Kentucky. And the Mavericks have many fouls to give (what else you going to do with Van Horn?). Meanwhile, deep within the fortified recesses of the Kobecave, a man is cackling.

At 6/09/2006 12:01 PM, Anonymous Mr. Six said...

I started this post three separate times, and I still don't know quite how to say it. Suffice it that I think Zo gets an overly bad rap for what went down with the Nets and Raps. Every explanation I write comes off as apologia, even to me, but on balance, whatever wrongs he may have committed through disloyalty and self-interest are offset by who he is, how he's played the game, and the facts that it was just business and there were other volitional actors involved who didn't have to pay him for not playing, trade him, or release him.

Maybe this is just a ride or die thing.

wv: ibkrk ... I am James Tiberius.

At 6/09/2006 12:09 PM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

rs--not sure if you meant to take it this far, but it just occurred to me that if shaq + wade can't win, on some level it vindicates kobe. only because, as much as everyone loves wade, the player kobe has become + a hungry shaq would win this year.

wv: tyuziu (time's young uzi uncle)

At 6/09/2006 1:46 PM, Anonymous fix_the_knicks said...

Re: Alonzo -- as a knicks fan, obviously I was never exactly warm to the guy, but my loathing reached new depths when he unveiled that preening "fist pump" gesture during the playoffs last year... you know, the one that he usually brings out when he scores on a putback after sitting on the bench for twenty minutes.

At 6/10/2006 2:03 PM, Anonymous Kaifa said...

Shoals, I think so too. Being a better shooter, Kobe seems to fit the mold better than Wade as the guy who dominates in a way which also makes Shaq life easier. And if my memory is correct, I think there was a time (2000? 2001?) when Kobe actually liked to drive and dish to a rolling Shaq.

Of course, in reality, this year's Kobe and a motivated Shaq could have never existed in the same universe. Whithout feeling dissed by the Lakers and leaving, Shaq just wouldn't be as motivated as he is now. And with Shaq in LA(motivated or not), Kobe doesn't evolve into this season's totally ridiculous scoring machine.

Oh yeah, Alonzo always over-flexed.

(From Sportspickle.com, a relatively funy sports satire site, during the 2005 playoffs:

Alonzo Mourning flexes and screams for 30 seconds after perfectly toasting bagel

Miami Heat center Alonzo Mourning had his emotions explode early this morning – screaming and flexing at his wife and children for more than 30 seconds – after he removed his bagel from the family toaster and found it had been toasted to a perfect golden brown.
“Alonzo hasn’t had any outlet for his intensity since the Heat were knocked out of the playoffs, and he was relieved to be able to celebrate something,” said Mourning’s wife, Sandra. “And just like on the basketball court when he grabs an uncontested rebound or makes a wide open lay-up, it’s the little things around the house – closing the garage door, placing a magazine in the magazine rack, stuff like that – that really gets him pumped and sets him off, screaming and flexing. Sure, it’s kind of annoying and I think he might have some emotional problems, but at least he doesn’t beat us.”
“I’m just trying to show my family that I’m a man and that it’s important to bring intensity and focus to even the smallest day-to-day activities,” said Mourning. “And then they can play off my intensity when they are pouring milk on their cereal or buttering their toast. Plus, I’m insane.”)

At 4/13/2009 4:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...




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