Your White Tee, Well to Me, Looks Like a Nightgown

All my life I wanted to be a gangster

A couple years ago I shocked and awed my friends and neighbors by getting 14 out of the Sweet Sixteen right in my bracket. I had grown men running up to me on the street yelling, "Put me on!" To which I would usually respond, "What the fuck is this Star Search!?"



Bitches stuck to Big L, as the legend goes, like magnets to refrigerators. I'm sticking with Calipari and the Tigers in a similar fashion. I used to have a "Fuck Calipari" tee back when Lou Roe was the most hated man on Temple University campus. But there's something about the way MU has had its soul fucked over the years that gives me that knot-in-the-throat feeling...kinda like when Kevin Costner is like, "Wanna have a catch, Dad?" Like that, only Darius Washington probably won't get a chance to say, "Wanna let me have another shot at those free throws, Dad," and Dajuan Wagner hasn't gotten the opportunity to ask, "Who do I have to blow to get a stable pancreas?"

I've had a passive Memphis jock-ridership card since back when Penny caught a Prop 48 bid. I have ridden for them ever since. At the beginning of almost every season I will say shit like, "They got so-and-so outta the WC And The Madd Circle Technical College, they're gonna light motherfuckers up..."

And then people look at me like I just told 'em Gozer the Gozerian was in my freezer.




Well, let me tell you something, Marshmallows: Memphis is coming into this shit with an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on their backs and a bunch of schools are about to know what it's like to be roasted in the depths of the slor I can tell you! Fuck the Colonial-MAC-We-Just-Play-Because-We-Love-The-Game schools. Conference USA, dickheads! Memphis slapped the shit out of that league! They beat Gonzaga! What do you want from life!?

Look: Darius Washington is playing in Greece. Dajuan is posted up outside the Palmer Social Club on a Wednesday night hollering at secretaries. Anfernee Hardaway is a human tax write-off. Jesus! If Grand Puba was right, and I think by this point we all know he was, then what goes around comes back around. Time for some good times. Word to the hyphen in Chris Douglas-Roberts' name.