FreeDrafto, Pt. 345483-004A: The Lobster Quadrille
For the past few years, we've been toying with the idea of a full mock draft for the first round, but given our complete outsiderness, we were unsure what we could really contribute to the draft discourse. We have no insider knowledge and certainly no expertise in the college or overseas brand of sport. But, holed up in the FD South lab, Shoals developed the following criteria for a truly FD draft experience:
1. player's style
2. how well they would go with team's style
3. how little they hurt the style universe by being kept away from a more ideal bride
4. how much they'll actually get to make an impactWith that tetralogy in mind, and having studied no other mock drafts, we set about our business. Shoals made all the even picks, I, Recluse, did all the odds.
Note: In case you missed it, Shoals was also recently implicated in a different kind of mock draft.
Taking Oden first is so obvious a decision it even makes sense in the demented FreeDarko worldview. A decade of
I swear to the skies, this will stop soon. Soon, this will become recognizable as a FreeDrafto production. But come on, you should be pleased we didn't go Durant number one. So sweeping, angelic, and sweetly electric a player we have almost never seen; if LeBron makes the game up as he goes along, Durant effortlessly inhabits everything we know it to be. Getting selected by a half-dead franchise makes him a savior on a fixed deadline. Raise your paw twice if you won't keep your eyes trained on this one. Caveat: if the Sonics don't retain Shard Shard, this will all be so much more ordinary.
Just fucking face it, the Hawks aren't ever going to draft a real point guard. Joe Johnson's success thus far has made Steve Belkin look like a false matyr, but he still isn't the answer at the point. Wright's got the height
The Hawks actually don't need a point guard that bad, considering that they have no actual offense to bring to life. Just teach some dude to throw lobs, and mandate three-pointer practice, and they'll be fine. The Grizz, however, have no excuse. They have shooters, athletes, scorers, learners, and an All-Star post presence—they just lack anyone who can create for himself. When Chris Paul animated the Hornets, they had a similar (team minus one) set-up. Without a point guard, the worst in the league; with one, a playoff lock.
In the time since he was traded, neither Paul Pierce nor the Celtics have come close to the heights they scaled with Antoine Walker, so clearly, Ainge and co. need to draft the most Antoine-like player available, which means Big Baby. No, he doesn't have
I always thinks of the Bucks as a totally no-nonsense team, since they have nothing better to do, can't attract anyone silly to waste money on, and are from a town that's best known as a longitude and latitude. Hence, they will be taking Al Horford, the third-best prospect in this draft. Oh, and if a frontcourt of Hoford, CVE, and Bogut can still manage to lose 200 games in the East, then I will once and for all forswear basketball know-how.
He's a decent fella with a couple of college championships. So even if he'll cause a positional logjam, the Bobcats will take him. That's not just this year with Noah--it's the last two, and every single one going forward. Not sure if this makes them the new Hawks, or the Bulls-in-waiting. Oh, and those thinking they'll replace Gerald Wallace--did it ever really seem like they wanted (or knew how) to make the most their time together?
Everyone knows that
To make up for the lopsided trade and regretted months that will follow Artest's departure, the Maloofs need a smokescreen. A man whose very name brushes away all comprehension of "Ron Artest." So they will pick a soft, skilled, majestic, unproven Asian whose elusive nature will kick off its own kind of media frenzy. In the pregnant silence and waiting, there is nothing to do but heal. 11.
With all the jokes about 12. Philadelpia Seventy-Sixers - Jeff Green
12. Philadelpia Seventy-Sixers - Jeff Green
His name is Billy King. His franchise's best season in recent memory came under the helm of Larry Brown. This year's late surge came with names like Andre Miller, Willie Green, Bobby Jones, Joe Smith, and Louis Williams. Some teams always draft white players over black ones; Billy King has finally found his comfort zone, and it comes in stockpiling names as dull as his own. Green is also pretty damn good. . . and also happens to play the same position as the exotically-named Andre Iguodala.
The Hornets have a good young nucleus with Chris Paul, David West, and Tyson Chandler --and don't forget (as I always do) that Peja is still a Hornet--but they still need a smooth wing who can heat up from outside. Young, an almost prototypical NBA wing, fits the bill perfectly. He also brings a clean-cut charisma that complements bowling aficionado Paul and should help sell tickets equally well in
14. LA Clippers - Javaris Crittendon & Thaddeus Young
You know what? Fuck the Clippers, and fuck the rules of this draft. I remember what the red, white and blue once stood for, and it wasn't vets lining up to miss the playoffs. The only way to get back to those core values? Hand the team to a cocksure, uneasy tower of a point guard and a supposed scorer who makes time stand still for himself and others. Whatever the opposite of rebuilding is, this is it. Together, these two will build an upside-down palace that reaches down to the center of the Earth. . . and reaches back up to China, where it towers over all those other Yi and Yao-like beasts set to take over the league in the next ten.
The Pistons have three former All-Star power forwards on the roster, but their median age is 33, which is ancient for the NBA, especially when you factor in knee problems. Jason Maxiell had his moments in the Playoffs, but he's not going to get it done by himself. As a legit 7-footer with range, Smith is the perfect complement to the undersized Maxiell's wrecking ball steelo in the post. Smith will be the latest iteration in a line of jump-shooting big men that stretches from Lambieer to Rasheed. Ironically, what Smith seems to lack is the fire that, for better or worse, drove both men and also made them ideal representatives for the city known for race riots, Eminem, and the Stooges.
Super-athletic tweener, scoring machine who has it way too easy, meteoric game with an old soul, certified talent that for some reason no one's jizzing over. . . where else but the Washington Wizards would he go? The kind of player who could dizzy Arenas into forgetting all these "I want to toil for a reputable organization" lines and go back to running the madhouse.
Hawes will not fall this far in the actual draft, but this is the official FreeDarko Mock Draft, and no one who says he loves George W. Bush is going Lotto on my watch. But, when you're dealing with a 7-footer with serious skills, backing the worst president of all time will only knock you down so many spots. Spence provides the interior scoring the Nets have been sorely lacking since Krstic went down and is the rare white center who can run with J-Kidd and also score in a half court offense. Besides, Kidd has always seemed like he might be a closet Republican anyway.
So the Warriors pick an energetic athlete who can handle multiple positions because that's how they do. Proving that if the Hawks had a point guard, they could beat the Mavericks.
19. LA Lakers - Acie Law IV
It's a truism to say that Phil Jackson likes big point guards, but Law is just the kind of guy he loves, possessing the height to cause match up problems and the self-possession necessary to put up with his Zen bullshit. The only problem is that Law and
In an absolutely perfect world, there would exist a player who combined the best qualities of Gerald Wallace and Matt Carroll. This would be all the more apt, since the 'Cats will likely lose these two bright spots. Said player would also blossom under the organization's watchful eyes, instead of being brought in and expected to produce instant maturity. Which, you know, would prove there was actually an organization there. That player would be Daequan Cook. . . now if you'll excuse me, I've got to tie my arm off again.
I was really surprised to learn that Dudley is from
When I first started hearing about Morris Almond, I imagined him being light-skinned and having "good hair", looking basically like former UCLA guard Toby Bailey. I guess I was thinking of Morris Day, but the name Almond also seems to lend itself to such an appearance. Anyway, if you haven't seen him, that's not what he looks like, but his game is kinda like a better, more consistent version of Bailey's. He's got good size for a 2-guard and is one of the best shooters in the draft, making him the perfect complement to the Williams-to-Boozer tandem.
[Shoals pointed out that I was likely thinking of the absurdly similarly named actor Morris Chestnut, which is probably true. However, as Morris Chestnut isn't light-skinned, nor does he have “good hair,” that still doesn’t explain my mental picture of Almond.]
The Rockets need a PF, and this is how Adelman thinks. Bonus points for being sort of foreign. Also, he's as far from Mike James/Bonzi/Rafer as anyone left in our draft pool, which seems like a semi-logical way to construct a roster.
All right, I’ll admit it, this is a total homer pick. I’m a Tar Heel, and I want Rey to get that guaranteed money so he can take care of his. But, let’s not act like he’s some charity case, he would be a perfect fit for the Suns. He’s a great transition player, can stroke the 3, and plays solid defense. Marcus Williams is actually probably a better pick here, since he has a higher ceiling than Terry and is already used to living in the desert, but fuck that, this is my draft and I do what I please.
30. Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers - Petteri KoponenPairing him with Andre Miller would be sitcom magic.