FreeDrafto, Pt. 902590325: Portugese Peyote Dream

With Shoals chasing the green over at Deadspin and Dr. LIC gallivanting in the Old Country, it was left to your boys Recluse and Billups to run down the first fourteen picks of this year’s NBA Draft.

Brown Recluse, Esq.: do you think conley can fuck with d-wil, paul, or even felton?
Billups: i dunno
Billups: i think conley is kinda like the young version of old steve francis
Brown Recluse, Esq.: really?
Billups: no, wait
Billups: i don't mean that

Billups: i can't believe durant is gonna have to play with wally.
Billups: lenny wilkens is already trying to fuck that guy up.

Brown Recluse, Esq.: do you think oden has some sort of condition like whatever people say abe lincoln had?

Billups: i can't believe the hawks shit the bed on amare.
Billups: if i was billy knight, i would to go up to whoever the fuck owns the squad (whatever carlyle group dudes) and just piss on their persian rug
Billups: and be like, this is what you are doing to my life.

Billups: yo- how incredible would be if the bucks drafted yi and dude JUST SAT THERE
Brown Recluse, Esq.: YI IS THE NEXT STEVE FRANCIS
Billups: the United States Senate: Mediating the off-season moves of the Bucks and policing the steroid use of Juan Gonzalez since 1994. Excellence in government.
Brown Recluse, Esq.: did kohl approve alito?
Brown Recluse, Esq.: if so, fuck that guy
Billups: i will google
Billups: he voted against!
Billups: "a soft-spoken multi-millionaire"
Billups: "but quick to bomb a fucking china"



[ESPN announces that the Warriors are trying to trade for Kevin Garnett.]

Billups: WHAT THE FUCK!
Brown Recluse, Esq.: holy fucking shit
Billups: GARNETT!!!
Billups: MY GOD
Billups: so...j-rich and monta? and the pick?
Billups: baron, stephen, garnett, barnes, al...
Billups: FUCK OUTTA HERE

Brown Recluse, Esq.: so, yi is pronounced E, right?
Billups: it's pronounced yi best not draft me, senator
Brown Recluse, Esq.: are people going to make ecstacy jokes about yi?
Brown Recluse, Esq.: e.g., yi is going to help the bucks roll to the playoffs

[The Blazers select Greg Oden.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: SO SOMBER
Billups: Kevin Durant: still unaware of Wally coming to Emerald City
Brown Recluse, Esq.: ODEN'S MOM'S NAME IS ZOE ODEN???
Brown Recluse, Esq.: "i was putting on hand sanitizer" is the greatest draft interview quote of all time
Billups: only til Yi is like, PEOPLE OF WISCONSIN: I CANNOT STOP THE FURY THAT YOU HAVE CALLED UPON YOURSELVES.

[ESPN announces Portland/Boston trade.]

Billups: WHAT!?
Billups: WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THESE FUCKING FRAGILE X GENE HAVING DUDES!
Billups: LET'S GET ANOTHER DUDE WHO PLAYS DURANT'S SPOT
Billups: AND WALLY

[The Hawks select Al Horford.]

Billups: i didn't know al was from the DR!
Brown Recluse, Esq.: fuck you, shelden williams
Billups: i'm not actually watching, i'm reading studio 60 on the sunset strip fan fic
Brown Recluse, Esq.: horford is dwight howard-ish
Billups: he is already what nene might become if george karl doesn't ruin him
Brown Recluse, Esq.: he can talk to nene in portugese, apparently

[Stuart Scott asks Al Horford what he said to his Florida teammates.]

Billups: "i'm gonna make more money than you."
Billups: that's what he said to them
Billups: he said anthony roberson can run his home theatre installation company

[Memphis selects Mike Conley, Jr.]

Billups: he mad
Billups: he wanted to go to powells books and listen to the thermals and shit
Billups: but no
Billups: he is going to mjg's crib to play nintendo 64
Billups: because that's what you do at mjg's spot. do you think this is the out-the-box move pau pau wanted?

[Stuart Scott interviews Conley.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: let's ask you about OTHER PEOPLE
Billups: "you know greg oden, right?"
Brown Recluse, Esq.: you're the 4th pick in the draft, so you played with greg oden? your dad is mike conley?
Billups: what up with O State and dudes being friends and one of the dudes' dad is like YO, I'LL BE YOUR AGENT. CAN YOU ASK YOUR FRIEND IF I CAN BE HIS AGENT.
Billups: Didn't Ginn and Troy Smith have that deal?



Billups: this is like watching the car crash scene from Weekend
Billups: or just a car crash, it doesn't have to be from Weekend

[The Celtics select Jeff Green for the Blazers.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: the hawks are trying to become the suns, and the sonics are trying to become the hawks
Billups: WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO TALK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW WHICH IS GOOD BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO START SCATTING SOON I AM SO LOW ON IDEAS
Billups: did jeff green just say his skill was recuperating?
Billups: like...
Billups: wolverine or something?
Billups: did he say that?

[David Stern approaches the podium to announce the Milwaukee Bucks’ pick.]

Billups: this is going to be the best pick ever
Billups: BOOM!
Billups: THAT'S HOW WE DO THINGS IN MOTHERFUCKING DAIRY COUNTRY
Brown Recluse, Esq.: you could tell b/c stern looked pissed when he walked up there
Brown Recluse, Esq.: like, i told those motherfuckers not to do this
Brown Recluse, Esq.: stern just told him, "don't sweat this, i'll take care of it."
Billups: "yeah, i just gotta iron out this hamas shit, take a hat and smile, stretch."

[The ESPN crew asks Fran Franchilla about foreign players.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: “don't ask me, i fucked up felipe lopez”

[Back to Milwaukee]

Billups: OH WE'RE KEPPING THE CHINESE KID
Billups: HE'S GONNA PLAY WITH THE KANGAROO
Billups: AND THE KID WITH NO EYEBROWS
Billups: WE'LL PLAY STATE FAIRS

[And now the interview with Yi.]

Billups: this dude should speak portuguese
Billups: whoa!
Billups: what was that face!
Brown Recluse, Esq.: he was thinking about finding decent chinese food in wisconsin
Billups: He should get real fat before camp.
Billups: Just stay posted up at Sonic.



Billups: yo, stephen smith is about to tell me who killed biggie
Billups: it was larry harris cousin, with the revolver, in the cloak room
Billups: bilas is gonna get a rash

[The first Durant/Arenas EA Sports ad is shown.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: durant's handle is tighter than gil's
Billups: gilbert probably asked him for his autograph before they shot that

[The Bobcats are on the clock.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: please not noah
Billups: "jordan actively involved in draft"
Billups: "jordan chilling at the 19th hole with robin givens"
Brown Recluse, Esq.: jordan likes white girls
Billups: "chilling at the 19th hole with rose macgowan"
Brown Recluse, Esq.: that's better

[The Bulls select Joakim Noah.]

Billups: THAT'S A SCOTT SKILES PICK
Brown Recluse, Esq.: great......another post player who can't score
Brown Recluse, Esq.: now they have two half-africans and a full one
Brown Recluse, Esq.: order up a curried goat
Billups: ben wallace must feel like he's at a tufts orientation day seminar
Brown Recluse, Esq.: do a lot of africans go to tufts?
Billups: no
Billups: that was a completely arbitrary reference

[The Kings are on the clock.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: i'm thinking al thornton is next. or hawes.
Billups: don't say thornton
Billups: that dude is philly bound

[The Kings select Spencer Hawes.]

Billups: YES
Billups: ONE WHITE STIFF DOWN
Billups: ONE TO GO
Billups: If you don't want Larry Brown to eat the crackers you have to take em off the table.
Billups: Least that's what my shop teacher used to say.
Brown Recluse, Esq.: spencer's mom is in parents involved in community schools
Billups: spencer's mom is involved in birthing the second coming of eric montross



Billups: jay bilas' best available are mad wrong
Billups: that dude should be managing my mutual funds and leave drafting rodney stuckey to the pros

[The Hawks select Acie Law IV.]

Billups: MOTHERFUCK THE MAYOR WE GET AL THORNTON!!!!!
Billups: or mcroberts
Billups: please no mcroberts
Billups: please
Billups: shavlik ain't that lonely
Billups: we need al
Billups: al and iguodala with a strictly alley-oop-based offense
Billups: espn.com says al thornton is "not the smartest player in the country"
Billups: i'll remember not to ask thornton how to open a wormhole in space. he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

[The Sixers are on the clock.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: you're getting sean williams
Brown Recluse, Esq.: two dalemberts on one team
Brown Recluse, Esq.: that would be the weirdest twin towers since brad miller/spencer hawes
Billups: crap
Billups: i hate my personal history
Billups: i want to be unchained from this legacy of failure
Billups: draft thornton

[The Sixers select Thaddeus Young.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: he's like al thornton, but a decade younger
Brown Recluse, Esq.: you should be pleased
Billups: you think so?
Billups: he doesn't have seminole education
Brown Recluse, Esq.: 4.3 gpa in memphis high school trumps that

[Billups reads about the Portland/New York trade on SLAM.]

Billups: franchise to PORTLAND?
Billups: what a crazy and fucking peyote soaked deal
Billups: dickau, randolph and jones for frye and francis?
Billups: randolph and curry?
Brown Recluse, Esq.: frye and aldridge?
Brown Recluse, Esq.: aren't they the same guy?
Brown Recluse, Esq.: curry and randolph is real strange
Billups: curry already doesn't get the ball
Billups: that would be dope if zeke started dickau and david lee

[The Pistons select Rodney Stuckey, and ESPN shows his highlight reel.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: weird. he really looks EXACTLY like a poor man's wade in those clips.
Billups: WHO IS RODNEY STUCKEY? THAT'S ME.
Brown Recluse, Esq.: i can see why he had trouble qualifying

[The Wizards select Nick Young.]

Billups: is that the kid gilbert adopted?
Brown Recluse, Esq.: is that nick cannon?
Brown Recluse, Esq.: i want the wizards to trade for chris wilcox
Billups: maybe pro teams should start drafting all from one college
Billups: wiz could just get maryland cats
Billups: charl-unc
Billups: chicago-west point
Brown Recluse, Esq.: does ny get all the uconn cats?
Brown Recluse, Esq.: or boston?

[ESPN finally announces the Portland/New York trade, about an hour after SLAM.]

Billups: was that a cheer?