Upgrade U: Larry from Indiana
"I've seen you guys can shoot but there's more to the game than shooting."
WHERE THEY AT: Can we dim the lights and put the "Real Talk" sign on for a sec? What the fuck is up with Legend? Did Isaiah fuck his girl at a IU/I. State Sock Hop? Did the one that got away get a pre-game peck on the private parts from Zeke? Because Larry has been a man on fire these last couple of years but instead of snatching back Dakota Fanning he's trying to snatch back those Smits/Mullin glory days. Ron Artest, Al Harrington, Stephen Jackson, RON MERCER! They got replaced like Carlton Banks' mom on Fresh Prince. It's like Bird wants a spotless mind of sunshine, forgetting all about the Isaiah Era. Now they're stuck in the middle with Mike Dunleavy JUNIOR and Troy Murphy and they can't hear one another because Jermaine O'Neal's fucking soul is SCREAMING.
WHAT THEY SHOULD DO: Jim O'Brien. Solid people, I bet. He was hired by a fucking robot somewhere in a cornfield. Dumping Rick Carlisle for Jim O'Brien is, if I may get a little NSFW, like j.o.'ing with your left hand for a new sensation. Jim is still riding the buzz he got from the dawn of the decade when Walter McCarty, Extra P and Cybertoine went all...
They should've hired Mark Jackson. Or Dean Smith. Or some fucking guy who didn't major in parting his hair and footwork at Head Coach U. But they didn't. And now Jermaine drinks away the pain, surrounded by copies of Lonely Planet Los Angeles, watching this:
as a series of stills on a HD like it was a motherfucking Ken Burns doc. You can't put your arms around a memory.
WHAT THEY'RE GONNA DO: The Pacers' website has this flick on the front page:
And I got Donut from The Wire in my top 8 MySpace friends. Don't mean we're gonna go out and boost a fucking Denali tomorrow night, does it? Look at the kid's face. Fuck human years; you gotta read the lines in his face like the circles in a tree stump to tell how old he is. You know who's older than Olden? JAMAAL TINSLEY. The 07-08 Pacers are looking like this:
Jermaine/Crazy Ass David Harrison- C
Dun Language- SF
JO is probably gonna get moved. Maybe for Andrew Bynum and the decaying shoulder cartilage of Lamar Odom. Danny Granger might blossom. He might fucking wilt. Bush got re-elected a few years ago so I guess it's possible that Dunleavy is an all-star trapped in the body of a muscular Casey Jacobsen. As of today, the Pacers are finding "International" prospects "appealing."
Good luck with that. Fuck you know about Petteri Koponen? Finland on smash! PG FOR THE HONKA PLAYBOYS.
OUTLOOK: Barring the Virgin Mary appearing in the weight room, creating a swirling surge of togetherness (and barring Shawne Williams turning into Derrick McKey), they'll be beached at .500 which, even in the East, might not be playoff-worthy.