7.31.2007

...And We Aren't Heading for a Church Social





10 Reasons Why This Fucking Rules/Is A Good Look:

1.) Between the Garden, Jersey and Philly, I, and thousands of others, could theoretically see KG play a dozen times this season. I'm not really caking like that; but you forget the coasts only beef twice a year. On a basic spectator-sport level, I think it's thoro that one of the supernovas of the league is gonna get more than just Snuffalufugus-level screen time on the East Coast. It's one more reason to pay a stupid amount of money to actually go to a game.

2.) Three of the best (using that word loosely) players of their generation (using that word elastically) on the same team, all in the twilight of the primes (leg-stability-depending) of their careers, all with a boner for respect and rings.

3.) They might very well underachieve. And there's a perfectly good chance that Uncle Injury might come and fuck up Thanksgiving dinner. If these dudes all catch something on the Usher tour then it's Day of the Locust time. Scalabrine and Anderson Hunt could be getting their names announced at the Fleet at some point. But that's not a reason not to fuck around and try. You try and plan for injuries then you might as well skip the stocks and put your money in a savings account.

4.) This isn't Glove/Mailman to the Lakers. It ain't Glove/'Zo/Cyber to the Heat. It ain't Barkley/Scottie/Glide with Houston. And it sure as shit isn't a repeat of Big Dog/Allen/Cassell with the Bucks. I'm not Elizabeth Kubler-Ross...



...but I'm getting a grown-ass man vibe from this trio. These guys know what they're holding. They're not angling for a Pixar cameo or a Bubble Yum flavor. It's gonna work or it isn't. But I highly doubt you're gonna hear any, "this isn't what I signed on for" shit.

5.) Gerald wasn't going to grow sitting behind Pierce and Allen. Jefferson wasn't going to get the ball enough to become a legit powerhouse on the block. Green might be T-Mac. He might be Alimoe with a guaranteed deal. Jefferson might be the shit or he might get his degree from the Zach Randolph School Of You Put Up Nice Fantasy Numbers Can You Really Say You Lost Junior College. The future can be seductive because it delays putting your name on the line. It allows you to lose 21 fucking games in a row and call it a learning experience. I would bet every Christmas present I ever got--including the Dagoba set with the X-Wing dunked in the swamp and Luke rocking the Jedi version of casual shirt Friday being all sad and shit because he wants to smash his sis, even that--that Jefferson wasn't going to turn into the Masshole version of Tim Duncan anytime soon. And barring that, I don't see any way you don't bring Kevin to the Departed.

6.) I can barely tell how many beers are in a six-pack, but even I know there isn't a defense in the league that can double team thee guys. You leave Ray alone at your own death sentence.

7.) Bosh, Howard, Eddy, Zach, Haslem, Ben, Rash, J.O., May, Marvin and all them other 4's just put on "Shook Ones Pt. II" and found new, chillingly pertinent layers to the song.


prepare to levitate...

8.) In lieu of having a Galactico, teams have started to identify themselves through style of play. Hard-nosed, up-tempo, abstract expressionist. I don't know what fucking style these dudes are gonna play; partly because I'm not so sure Doc knows what day it is, and partly because this team gloriously reeks of a pick-up squad. Three commandos shrugging off positional parameters, not really sweating the other two gimps who fill out the squad

Digression: how fucking amazing would it have been if Franchise had signed up with these yahoos!? Is Skip still unsigned? This team is BEGGING for a really uneven, streaky, emotionally unbalanced point guard. Just for the laugh track.

Pierce and Garnett don't have complementary games. That being said, both have been the senior counselors at some kind of Make a Wish Camp for men over 6 feet tall. Who knows what kind of game they have. Maybe Paul hates iso plays! Whatever: this is gonna be fun to watch. And one thing I do know...

9.) Pierce and Garnett are made for each other.





They don't just ball. They don't play to posterize kids. They compete. They have something you can't get at ABCD Camp or Tim Grgurich's seminars. Winning and losing determines how they feel about their lives. And however their various teammates feel about winning and losing determines how Pierce and Garnett feel about them. Remember this KG bon mot:

"If you're in street clothes, and you're not a coach, I don't really look at you."

The right way to play has nothing to do with footwork, bounce passes or defensive rotation. There's only one right way. You play like it matters.

10.) Fuck the Big Dig. Fuck Havlicek stealing the ball. Fuck Larry and his back, Red and his stogies. Fuck Russell and his rings. Fuck McHale and his elbows. Fuck basketball franchises as designs for life. Fuck parquet floors. This isn't about green and white, Gardens or history. It's about about three guys getting one more chance. It's about one guy getting the stage he's always deserved. It's about a region (I-95 from Boston to Baltimore) in desperate need for a basketball renaissance.

You can still hate the Celtics. Hate 'em for all the reasons you should. I'm from Philly. I know. But cheer for them because shit like this doesn't happen every day. It matters.

53 Comments:

At 7/31/2007 10:05 PM, Blogger personalmathgenius said...

Shit, you had me at Anderson Hunt.

 
At 7/31/2007 10:22 PM, Blogger Ben Q. Rock said...

Kevin Garnett is one helluva muse. I still remember DLIC's "Release the Gluco Wannabes" post from a few months ago; shit, I kinda wrote a paper on it. But yeah, this site's best posts involve Ticket. I have no idea why.

His no. 5 Boston jerseys are already for sale on line. Jesus. Boston is not fucking around. I'd like to see Doc screw this up.

 
At 7/31/2007 10:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

billups=best writer on the fucking internet; that kind of knowledge, passion, and style inspires.

 
At 7/31/2007 10:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

that's what the fuck's up, preach!

 
At 7/31/2007 10:32 PM, Blogger Ben Q. Rock said...

P.S. - with Gomes gone, I guess Kendrick Perkins is now the designated pick-setter.

It's about as fun as it sounds.

 
At 7/31/2007 10:33 PM, Anonymous Free Jared Brennan said...

Nailed it. You just get the feeling that after calling and drawing for so many rounds hoping for a winning hand, we're done with draws. Last round of the night, and KG has his hand. Great day for my FD chip-in.

 
At 7/31/2007 10:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

the only thing that could possibly make this better is if they went and signed C-Webb for the vets min. the eventual trophy presentation would probably be the most joyful event in league history.

 
At 7/31/2007 10:54 PM, Blogger T. said...

Ben Q. Rock - Leon Powe will devestate some fools on a pick.

I had that same Dagoba set, Billups. I wouldn't give it up for nothing.

 
At 7/31/2007 11:08 PM, Blogger Pete Fresh said...

Eddy Curry is probably worrying more about "as long as I'm alive Ima live illegal" since the robbery.

 
At 7/31/2007 11:34 PM, Anonymous db said...

I'm not Elizabeth Kubler-Ross...

No, you're Wilhelm fucking Reich. Spray that orgastic potency... all over Simmons' face. Oooh. Love it.

 
At 7/31/2007 11:50 PM, Anonymous Sean said...

Good God, what a post! This is by far the best thing I've read on the trade so far.

 
At 8/01/2007 12:39 AM, Blogger Vegas Watch said...

"...all them other 4's just put on "Shook Ones Pt. II" and found new, chillingly pertinent layers to the song."

great fucking post

 
At 8/01/2007 12:47 AM, Blogger stopmikelupica said...

Great post, best breakdown of the situation yet. Billups just plain out competes, ya'll.

It was suggested by a commenter on my blog, but I have to share: Brevin f*cking Knight needs to sign on this team. As stupid as it sounds, 55-game Knight makes this team legit. Right now they have zero depth; add Knight, move Rondo to the bench, and sign a PJ Brown or Rasho type to man the center behind Perkins and you have the role players you need to transform a EBC team into the most feared NBA team you might ever see.

 
At 8/01/2007 1:19 AM, Blogger spinachdip said...

I'm trying to think of a proper metaphor for the 2007-08 Celtics, and the best I can come up with is one of those old Iron Chef episodes, where they combine shit you'd never think to (or could afford to) combine, like throwing a $1,000 piece of fish in the ice cream machine.

And they're not done yet - the MLE's a lot more attractive when you get to play with KG and Jesus.

It's just too bad the chef in the kitchen is the coaching equivalent of Paula Deen.

Also, I've been thinking about "Shook Ones" a lot recently, after watching Prodigy's "Mac 10 Handle" video.

 
At 8/01/2007 1:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just got home from the bar, stoned and drunk off my ass.
I load up WMP, and Swift and Changeable has fully downloaded, I hit play, load up my homepage, and Billups has just given us the wise man's blessing.
God bless the NBA.

Seriously, when basketball pre-season starts, we will be hitting stride in one of the best "sports years" in a long time.

 
At 8/01/2007 1:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Celtics should deal for Juan Jose Barea.
He guarantees the PG situation for the Celts.

 
At 8/01/2007 1:29 AM, Anonymous db said...

And speaking of street clothes, how much will this white-ass franchise benefit KG's steez? He's looking sharper than everyone already.

 
At 8/01/2007 1:31 AM, Blogger Wayne said...

As stupid as it sounds

BK on the celtics is anything but stupid. he's a given for at least 2 or 3 15 assist, 6 steal games, on 0-2 shooting.

sign me up for the BIG THREE plus BK era.

ps. reading billups is like having a moment of clarity while on shrooms. the finer things in life, right?

 
At 8/01/2007 1:33 AM, Anonymous westney said...

Only Billups can make folks forget that he wrote two reason #9s. Bonus hidden track!

But seriously, this shit is so crazy it hasn't even sunk in yet... can't wait for next year.

 
At 8/01/2007 2:40 AM, Blogger Ty Keenan said...

Awesome post from Billups, as always.

The press conference just started on NBATV. Those three just look right together.

Brevin would be a pretty tremendous fit for this team, I think. He led the league in A/TO just two years ago. Do they need much more than that?

 
At 8/01/2007 4:24 AM, Anonymous Kaifa said...

Watch the press conference, nice sequence from about 20:20 to 22:20 into it. And you definitely get the feeling that those 3 fit well together personality-wise. (And please watch KG's final remark!)

Great post, I'm a little bit more optimistic about KG's and Pierce's game being complimentary though. The best Pierce I have seen was when they went to the conference finals and he would just get into the lane at will in crunch time, even when everybody knew what he was going to do. So I think the styles of play of the 3 really have a chance to mesh.

But what SML and others have said holds true, guys like B. Knight will be needed to make this work. I'm really against a C-Webb signing, because then this special thing just becomes "Cocoon" (the movie - a couple of old guys and their last hurray. Add Knight and maybe Posey or Patterson or Udoka for defensive purposes. And if the basketball gods are really trying to make this special, please add Jalen Rose and James White.

 
At 8/01/2007 7:07 AM, Anonymous Oilcanboyd said...

Here's to hoping they hit up the walgreens so they wrap it up before the usher tour starts...

 
At 8/01/2007 7:19 AM, Anonymous ryan said...

thanks for completely changing my perspective on the trade billups. i was perfectly content to just go on hating the Cs too.

 
At 8/01/2007 7:48 AM, Anonymous Cyanide said...

It was suggested by a commenter on my blog, but I have to share: Brevin f*cking Knight needs to sign on this team.

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Cagey vet, one of the top assist guys per 40, doesn't care about his minutes, slick defender despite being undersized. Only thing is that he, like Rondo, can't shoot it and shares a lot of other characteristics with Rondo.

Still would be a solid addition, but they might be angling for a back-up point/combo guard who can shoot the lights out. Hey, Houston's been collecting them like trading cards, right? Might wanna hit up Daryl and try and swing something.


And Billups is the best thing on the Internet. Stay up man.

 
At 8/01/2007 10:16 AM, Blogger goathair said...

Ticket, Randolph, Ray-Ray all joining the East means the All-Star game might actually be decent.

 
At 8/01/2007 10:55 AM, Blogger JTExperience said...

Billups, keep lookin' up brutha. Dis shit is what's up.


Also, Steve Nash is gonna be pissed off: He won't lead the league in assists with those three on the same team. By the end of the season we'll be calling assists "Rondos."

 
At 8/01/2007 11:11 AM, Anonymous Bayern Munich said...

I don't understand the presser with Pierce holding up his Celtics jersey. He's been on the team for 8 years. Is this supposed to be "we just signed these two great stars -- and, since you probably forgot, we still have this other guy who's pretty good" ?

Do you think he just pulled his actual game jersey out of his locker and held it up?

 
At 8/01/2007 11:50 AM, Anonymous Laphonso said...

Thanks, Billups, for giving a Wolves fan something to smile about today.

I don't think Boston even knows what they're getting yet. KG took two games from the Lakers in the '04 WCF with Kandi and DARRICK MARTIN playing actual minutes. He can still get it done. Brevin Knight, Rondo, Kendrick Perkins, whoever, it doesn't matter. That team is now for real.

 
At 8/01/2007 12:47 PM, Blogger Big D said...

Jesus fucking Christ this was fantastic. Way to brighten up a man's day.

 
At 8/01/2007 1:37 PM, Blogger nKralls said...

So the C's are Rondo, Ray Allen, Pierce, Garnett, Perkins as starters...

then Scalabrine, Tony Allen, Leon Powe (last year's 2nd rd) as
the only other signed players.

Then likely rookies PF Big Baby Davis (LSU), combo G Gabe Pruitt
(Southern Cal), 3/4 blocks man Brandon Wallace (South Carolina) as
signed rookies. That's still only 11 players.

Free agent Michael Olowokandi might reup if only for nostalgia
purposes, after all he's the only guy left from the Ricky Davis trade
that eventually landed them Ray Allen. Wait... what? Strange but
true.

But still only 12 players.

That leaves three more spots for quality NBDLers and other unsigned
college players and with more than half of their roster (8 out of 15)
still first or second year players, the youth movement is still on in
Beantown only this time without all of the unfounded hype (Green,
Telfair, etc.) and this time the kids might learn something from the
starters.

Read more at Serious Playas...

I think I might be a Celtic fan. Can you still be a Celtic fan and hate the city of Boston?

 
At 8/01/2007 1:53 PM, Blogger Mr. Six said...

Ever since the news broke, I've been stuck in a doldrum of airless desperation. KG finally freed to expend his remaining production on a new form of futility? That's supposed to allow me to set a new course for the land of Kicking Ass and Competitive Style? I doubt it.

Then Billups comes through again, and at least I have a chart for optimism.

Of course, Ray-Ray's half-smile from that press conference photo still has me fearing that this journey may be cursed before it's even begun.

Plus, as others have pointed out, there's no one else on this team and damn few free agents to form a crew. Although, the idea of picking up Corliss Williamson is intriguing.

And I'm not sure I can bring myself to root for Boston ...

 
At 8/01/2007 2:20 PM, Anonymous Kaifa said...

Anybody else imagine KG sitting on Bill Russel's front porch before the start of the season, sipping a drink and being inofficially sworn in as a Celtic? I don't know why, but they just seem brothers in spirit to me.

When goathair put KG in the context of other big-time players moving east it made me wonder. I hadn't given it much thought before, but I always kind of assumed that a talent gap like WC>EC right now would be bridged through the draft and not players above the age of 30 moving around.

My romantic idea was that the bad teams from the east would draft early in the lottery and through this increased flow of incoming talent the gap would slowly but surely close again. I never imagined that one conference, just by being so bad that any decent team could make the Finals, would make frustrated stars or major free agents say "this is my best chance to get a ring".

"Going anywhere to the EC" is the new "joining the Spurs, Mavs, or Heat on the cheap".

(And yes, most of this offseason's players were traded to the EC and didn't just go there. And no, KG is not like Finley on the Spurs, Payton on the Heat, or Webber on the Pistons)

 
At 8/01/2007 2:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As a lakers fan this whole thing kinda fucks me up... I'm not saying the lakers could have put together a deal nearly as attractive as the one boston put together. BUT STILL. Lakers have done nothing while the knicks and Celtics have made some really strong moves. Why isn't the clock ticking on mitch Kuptchak's whole career yet??

 
At 8/01/2007 2:28 PM, Blogger Brown Recluse, Esq. said...

i think the clock *IS* ticking on mitch kupchak's whole career.

 
At 8/01/2007 2:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Darkofan: The networks are making adjustments too. By late February, even without NBATV or League Pass , the NYC metro area viewers will have had as many as 12 Celtic games, including Knicks/ Nets/ the Chicago Super station picked up by cablecasaters, plus the two Turner stations included with most cable packages and ESPN.

 
At 8/01/2007 5:30 PM, Blogger Sahlan said...

That was fuckin' epic.

FUCKIN' EPIC.

I'm gaggin' like it was the 2nd LP from the other three headed hydra.

http://static.rateyourmusic.com/album_images/73060.jpg

 
At 8/01/2007 5:32 PM, Blogger MaxwellDemon said...

"I think I might be a Celtic fan. Can you still be a Celtic fan and hate the city of Boston?"

Affirmative--see, e.g., Russell, Bill.

This is the Blackest thing to ever happen to Boston, no? The baseball equivalent would be to retroactively change Ted Williams' first name to DuQuan.

 
At 8/01/2007 5:33 PM, Blogger MaxwellDemon said...

And, kupchak ain't over 'til the fat lady sings. She's warming up though.

 
At 8/01/2007 6:25 PM, Anonymous Sean said...

"This is the Blackest thing to ever happen to Boston, no?"

I don't know. Randy Moss landing with the Pats might trump the KG trade.

Speaking of the Celtics, they've added Eddie House and some dude named Jackie Manuel. 67 year-old Dikembe Mutombo is being considered as for the backup- center spot, and rumor has it that Ryan Gomes might be cut by Min. and resign with Boston.

If all this goes down, GAP will have a decent supporting cast. Not a great one, but it will be enough, IMO.

 
At 8/01/2007 6:36 PM, Blogger EL MIZ said...

jackie manuel won a chip with the ray felton bunch at NC.

eddie house strokes the rock.

new york is the mecca, and now KG plays there twice a year, hell yeah daddy.

by showing up at the press conference, paul pierce just said to the rest of the eastern conference "speak the wrong words man and you will get touched, you can put your whole army against my team and I guarantee you it'll be your very last time breathing"

 
At 8/01/2007 6:38 PM, Blogger MaxwellDemon said...

Sean--not that this is an exact science, but we're looking at African American talent dominating a team that is historically crackerific. I think the Pats would need to get a black coach and a Vick at QB.

 
At 8/01/2007 6:45 PM, Blogger Ben Q. Rock said...

Eddie House to the Celtics is about right. Isn't he the guy who sprained his foot bumping chests with Gary Payton during pregame introductions a few years ago?

Shit, this team will be fun to watch.

 
At 8/01/2007 6:52 PM, Anonymous Sean said...

MaxwellDemon: Yeah, I would agree with you there. KG will definitely have a bigger impact on his team than will Moss (seeing's how Garnett is probably the best player on the Celtics right now). And you're right about the historical precedent of the C's loading up the roster with as many honkeys as possible.

However, who do you think will make the mostly-white sports media in New England more uncomfortable?

Note: I do think Bostonians in particular and New Englanders in general are not nearly as racist as they were before the 1990s. I mean, the Randy Moss trade was very well-received by the general public around here, and KG is getting nothing but love right now from everyone in N.E.

 
At 8/01/2007 7:01 PM, Anonymous Sean said...

I forgot to add: And by Boston media, I mean Dan Shaughnessy and the Herald.

 
At 8/01/2007 8:28 PM, Anonymous jason said...

Yeah ya ripped off point 9 from 25th Hour, and I should be hating on a Philly guy stealing from a Spike Lee Joint, but it worked too damn good. Nice job.

 
At 8/01/2007 8:53 PM, Anonymous Sean said...

I highly recommend reading Gilbert Arenas' take on shark attacks. It's good for a few laughs.

 
At 8/01/2007 9:03 PM, Anonymous JCN said...

it's called trespassing

 
At 8/01/2007 10:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great look on the article Billups. As for Kuptchak forget all that fat lady warming up... she needs to limber the fuck up and start singing. The lakers have to be the big losers of the summer. They're biggest move was NOT re-signing Smush. WTF... Why isn't there more Lakers content on this site. If I'm paying i at least want the misery of being a Kobe fan / Laker supporter put into some kind of FD perspective.

 
At 8/02/2007 12:09 AM, Blogger The Inevitable Muck-up said...

I don't think there is anything left to say on the subject until they actually begin playing together.

 
At 8/02/2007 1:55 AM, Blogger spinachdip said...

I love how, overnight, the Celtics went from being the crusty, molding pizza under the couch to replacing the Suns as the unofficial Team of the Internets.

All of a sudden, we're concerned about the talent that's going to surround GAP. No, not in the way we salivate over the next dumb move by Isiah or Billy King/Knight, but like the Celtics are a newborn baby. No no, you can't feed formula! Don't let the baby sleep on the stomach! Don't waste the MLE on Eddie fucking House! I love it, frankly.

 
At 8/02/2007 2:52 AM, Anonymous Maxwell Demon said...

Anon--the question is, why isn't there more freedarko content on the Lakers? Dr. Buss--give us something to love, guy.

And Sean--hell yes on the Arenas post. Genius. Happy Shark Week everybody!

 
At 8/02/2007 12:36 PM, Blogger C-los said...

wasn't anything original about Gil's shark post...he took that str8 from an HBO Def Comedy special this season or the last

 
At 8/08/2007 4:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"6.) I can barely tell how many beers are in a six-pack, but even I know there isn't a defense in the league that can double team thee guys. You leave Ray alone at your own death sentence."

on spot right there...

 

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