Association, Heal Thyself
Greetings FDers. TAN here. Many moons ago, back when the Knicks as a contender was but a myth, I made a couple small scratches in the redwood here. Then I disappeared. Now in the offseason, with the pressure of the playoffs and scrutiny of the draft fading away, I plan to step up for easy free throws a little more frequently. As an NBA determinist, I always find the offseason riper anyways.
So let's ease in with some lighthearted notes on improving the NBA. If we don't know what to make of 'Shard getting max money, or The Beard and Marbury, at least we can agree that the Association could use some work. Here are some suggestions:
Kobe for Lebron: I know, I know. Please don't click away. It's silly... but also kind of perfect. Forget contracts. Forget salaries. Forget free will. David Stern should just hold a press conference and say, "Time Out." And when he places fingers to palm, every NBA law and rule is theretofore suspended. Then he puts Kobe on the Cavs, and LeBron on the Lakers. Like a fantasy league. Or a board game. One where David Stern stands over some simulacrum of the country, and reaches into California and grabs Kobe by the head, then streeeetches over to Cleveland with his other arm and grabs LeBron (in my mind I see LeBron kicking and yelling and generally being a ham, and Kobe looking poised, waiting to see where he lands exactly). Then "Time In!" Stern's the one commissioner who could pull this off. First, having the gumption to usurp the league's constitution, and then second, a powerful enough ego to actually rescale the country and its contents such that he can reach into two states at once and grab people out by the head.
Of course, once people realize what has transpired while they were frozen via a cosmic time out call, there will be complaints. Poor precedent and such. George Karl's harelip will seethe. Mark Cuban's blog will collapse upon itself. But this too shall pass. The news cycle will continue, and no one will care. Like black teenagers and Jackie Robinson. It'll be like someone breaking into your house and taking your basic Nokia phone and swapping it for an iPhone. You're like, "Hey, you can't break into my home and steal my Nokia cellphone, I'm going to ca— oooh an iPhone! The players will be happy, the teams will be happy, the NBA will be happy. Everyone's happy, except Mrs. Bryant, who now cops Baby Jamz at Walmart instead of Prada on Rodeo Drive.
But it all works in the end because LeBron wants to be the billion-dollar man. Everything LA would want from Kobe, they can get from LeBron. That's where he belongs. The grand stage is the only appropriate venue. Plus, LeBron should be in the Western Conference. He needs to clash with the titans. The Lakers are also a better team than the Cavs. LeBron and Odom could actually become Jordan and Pippen. Andrew Bynum could develop if suckling from Lebronadonna's bountiful teat, versus Kobe, who had a nipplectomy as soon as he came in the league.
Kobe probably thinks he'd hate the small town, but he just needs a little nudging. His demand for a trade is an obvious cry for help, and a concession to his failure as a one-man army. His resume is unimpeachable, but he's not the greatest. And never can be at this point. So now he's looking at the man in the mirror, and he's ready to make that change. Anything he says about teammates is camouflage. Cause we all know, when you talk about other people badly, you're really talking about yourself. More importantly, Kobe's no idiot. He's a cold, calculated thinker, and he knows his position. He knows he would lay waste to the Eastern Conference, and ego and achievement would trump big city vanity. Cleveland is where he can learn the one skill that has eluded him: Redemption. Kobe is a big fish in need a small pond.
The Racial All Star Game: All Star weekend is boring. We need to spice it up. But how? The NBA should embrace what god has given them: Racism! Stern wants to play it down, but he can't stop the engines that propel the most racialized sports league in the world. This is constantly documented here on Mt. Darko: Hip Hop, The Assimilated Duncan, Don Nelson's Jungle Fever. Shit, I clutch my purse just watching Stephen Jackson on television. And I feel no shame in that ...aside from the fact that I have a purse.
So forget rookies/sophomores. Or better yet, let's nix the real player, old man and a vijay-jay activities. Let's go: Team Whitey vs. The Darkies. Or maybe add a Team Mixed and Team Other as well. Play a Final Four. Watch out NCAA, here comes Race Madness! Peep the 5-on-5:
Team White: Nash, Hinrich, AK, Dirk, Okur
not bad for caucasians, right?
Team Black: Iverson, Kobe, LeBron, Garnett, Duncan
black people win again!
Team Halfsies: Kidd, Bibby, Battier(?), Gooden, and Boozer
the mixed breeds have to get bigger.
Team Other: Yao Ming ... well, whatever. How about we do "Team Other" in the comments.
So some of the details have to be fine tuned a little more, but the first step is the most important. Why pussyfoot? Embrace who you are, NBAACP! I love this game!
WNBA: While we're doing race stuff, it's time to annex the WNBA. Not the league and players, but the name. WNBA now stands for: White National Basketball Association. A development league with only white players. Which by my estimate would place the caliber of play somewhere between WNBA and NBA. I guess we could call it the WhNBA.
All of this plays as a race joke, yes, but every championship team needs some quality Token Caucasians on it. And when you need them, it'd be nice to have a WDL. You can also send black players there for the summer to assimilate their game. Work on J's, free throws, and poor defense. When Jordan raised the stakes, it was a product of game assimilation. When he first came into the league he was an uncouth savage with the basketball. Then he got some cuff-links and an 18-footer. LeBron needs to do the same thing. So do many other negroes in the league. Send them off to Caucasian Camp! A complete basketball player is a mix of black and white.
And since race is an issue that really grinds my gears, one more note: can we chill with the white MVPs? I don't want to hate on Nash or Dirk, but this is some serious affirmative action going on when caucasians take three mvp's in a row. And seriously, does defense matter in the determining of a valuable player? No offense, but there's not a caucasian in the league who can play defense.
(And don't talk to me about AK, he can't defend the ball, and he's not really human. He's Drago reincarnated. Don't argue against this. I will break you. )
All these white mvp's should get an asterisk. It sends a bad message to the children.
and on that note, I'm out .... thus spach TANathustra