Upgrade U: I Met a Gin-Soaked Bar Room Queen in Lynnfield

Hey, Wally: If it's here when we get back, it's ours.

One day back in the 1-9-9-5, I was driving with my high school-to-Frosh year girlfriend to the Plymouth Meeting mall. She was a surfer girl/non-ideological hippie who liked screwing, mini-golf and Jimmy Buffet. We were cruising along, talking about food and buildings when "Gold Soundz" came on. She loved that song. She had her feet up on the dash, drumming along on her thighs, occasionally adjusting the strap of her tank-top.

Then Malkmus smirked out the line, "you're the kind of girl I like/'cuz you're empty, and I'm empty, too" and I almost drove into the lobby of an Ikea bringing on a fiery death of strudel and collapsing closet organizers.

Grunden...you know what I keep in the linin'

That sensation-the sinking feeling that there is a bad moon rising...that you're about to be made but when you walk into the Italian American Veteran's Association Hall nobody's there and...

That's Paul Pierce's everyday. Everyday he wakes up and says, 'I'm a motherfucking Celtic!' And then he gets shot in the back of the head.

Ask anyone! Ask Randy Moss...

Ask Julio Lugo...

Ask the dude lamping by the Other Side Cafe wearing a tear-stained Karate t-shirt! [Google Image Search swings and misses on this particular query]

They'll say it to your face: the Celtics toss mad salads.

Now I admire commitment to an idea as much as the next sucker, so I thought Danny Ainge's youth movement was a good look. But it's pretty obvious that the Utah Saint has as much loyalty to the kids as any other businessman (meaning, it's cool if it pays the bills, otherwise the music's too loud).

You know the part in Field of Dreams where Darth Vader and Crash Davis are told, if you build it they will come? Take that shit to heart, Danny!

You nurture your own talent, make something you can call your own, that you can sell as homegrown, and the 'they' who come will be higher octane dudes than Ricky Davis and Wally.


Ask yourself: Why do you think Ben chose to leave the D for Chicago (other than the fact that Sheed kept bogarting his Graham Central Station vinyl)? Because the Bulls out together a fucking Brat Pack poised to be competitive for the next decade.

More grand inquisitor shit: Why do you think Kevin Garnett was like, 'Boston? All you bitches get is two humps like camels'? Because why would he want to a racist-ass town with a cannibal-ass media to play for a lame duck coach under the supervision of a guy who couldn't conjure a plan to get wet at Dorney fucking Park! I'd stay in Minnesota too! And I hate fucking lakes!

From the Whitney's Photoshop by Billups collection

Ainge flushed the post-Pitino clique of lovable, three-pt fetishists, save Pierce, and got with the youth in revolt. Tony, Delonte, Jefferson, Perkins, Green. He drafts well! He's almost better at taking chances on mid-first round kids than playing the lotto. He was vexxed because he didn't get one of the first two picks. A curse? The only curses I know I learned watching Slap Shot and listening to Eddie Murphy at a vulnerable age. The biggest problem with not getting Durant or Oden was the fact that Ainge was gonna have to do fucking job. Like the good leads, to give Durant or Oden to Ainge would just be throwing them away.

One of the league's flagship franchises is going down in flames and as the man piloting this particular zeppelin decides to get rid of an about-to-blow combo guard, and an expiring contract most GM's would stab for and what does he get? A motherfucking perimeter player who needs much time with the rock.

Dude, I'm just a lowly custodian in the grand scheme of things, but try this on: do you think, just maybe, one of the reasons that Allen was available for a St. Joe's alum and a turkey sandwich was the fact that he was probably like, "Oh shit Kevin Durant!? Finally, I won't have to shoot so much! Now I can get back to defense and rebounding-the crown jewels of my skill set"?

No. If you go young, you gotta just smoke that shit and live with it. Toddler talent can't blossom unless they're on the court. Ask T-Mac. You might as well go to Gerald Green's crib every morning and undermine his self-esteem with insensitive comments! That dude is going to be conducting a long-distance relationship...with the fucking basketball! And let's not even get started on what Allen's New England homecoming means to everyone else. Ryan Gomes might as well change his listed position to "I SET FUCKING PICKS. IT'S ABOUT AS FUN AS IT SOUNDS."

Yo, the crazy thing about all this? The Celtics will probably be .500 or better and make the playoffs. I mean Pierce and Ray have to be good for 40-60 a night right? That just means Al Jefferson has to do tip-in's and put-back's and they can beat half the team's in the East. Note: this depends on Rondo's development and/or Telfair's tenuous status. How is Young Bassy, by the way?

"A slimmed-down Bassy recently bought a home in Las Vegas

...has been working out this summer...He's not on the summer league roster, nor is he expected to play for the summer league team, but...he was running through plays on the Green team with Rajon Rondo, Leon Powe, Gerald Green and Davis for most of Tuesday's session."

The Green Team! Too bad they aren't the Celtics.


At 7/18/2007 11:33 AM, Blogger William said...

It's so rare in my life that I feel like I'm at home.

At 7/18/2007 11:38 AM, Anonymous Cyanide said...

Billups makes my week worthwhile.

I really do think Pierce/Allen/Jefferson can make noise in the East, but it does seem so counter-productive to the rest of the youth movement. I think the Celts are blinded by the notion of "Win with Pierce now" over "Win with talent of the next-generation in a few seasons". Probably should've shipped him off for picks/expiring contracts/young players like the Sonics did with Allen, instead of taking him on themselves. The Lakers or Grizz or T'Wolves or somebody probably would've made a decent offer if it was the case.

At 7/18/2007 12:08 PM, Anonymous J.E. Skeets said...

Fucking machine took my quarter!

At 7/18/2007 12:09 PM, Blogger stopmikelupica said...

Even saw the lights of the Goodyear blimp,
and it said "Billups" is a pimp.

I think Ainge did what he had to do to save his job. Rebuilding for another year, after this year's disasterous lottery results, wouldn't have worked in Boston. Especially since trading Pierce is not an option. Seriously, what could the Celtics have gotten for Pierce, besides Steve Francis?

Consider that Randolph's contract is actually slightly lower than Pierce's, and that Randolph is a more viable long term talent (he has less mileage on him, played at an All-Star level last year, and is a low post player, which is still a rarity in the league, and oh, one of 5 20/10 guys last year, along with KG, Amare, TD, and Brand). Now consider what Randolph netted the Blazers - a slight shorter, but terrible, contract (Francis) that had to be brought out, and a marginal young talent (Frye). Um, what would the Celtics get back for Pierce again?

So they are stuck with Pierce, and the best move for them is to go for it with Pierce and another talented player, a 7-time All-Star (Ray Allen). F*ck the kids... they'll touch the ball when they are hungry. Starve those f*ckers. Those kids won you just enough games to not get you Durant... they ain't saving your job, Ainge. You want to eat, Danny? Go with the vets, maybe make the playoffs, buy some time with the Boston media. They still like you.

At 7/18/2007 12:22 PM, Blogger Bongo said...

In case you were wondering, it's true: there is a gigantic ass Ikea right at thr Plymouth Meeting mall. Word to Philly. Billups, can we get your take on the engima that is the Andre Igoudala-led Sixers? Is it FD or just depressing to have a team built on pure potential with a few guys (Igoudala, Thaddeus Young, Lou Williams [the brackets say he's this year's Monta Ellis]), and then surround them with completely limited, position-steady role players (dalembert, korver, andre miller, willie green)? Shoals, you could probably write about this.

At 7/18/2007 1:49 PM, Blogger JTExperience said...

"I SET FUCKING PICKS. IT'S ABOUT AS FUN AS IT SOUNDS." is so right, and so dope. This shit goes hard.

At 7/18/2007 2:19 PM, Blogger Ian said...

1995: when Plymouth Meeting Mall was still a place you might not be embarrassed to be seen at. When did KOP finally put the game in a headlock?

At 7/18/2007 3:55 PM, Blogger Ty Keenan said...

The caption to the Ikea picture is one of the greatest things I've ever read.

I definitely agree with this one. One of the few cases where a potential top 5 playoff seed can be called directionless.

I second JTE's feelings on the Gomes comment.

At 7/18/2007 4:39 PM, Blogger seezmeezy said...

i once asked anne coulter if she'd vote for Billups in '08, and she domed me up right there.

i think the biggest problem exposed by this debacle (celtic decline, terrible decision making, exile of a marketable star, doc rivers) is that the league itself is beyond flawed.

billups spent a good amount of time exhuming the carcass, then gave it life by pointing out the craziest aspect of it all: they could still make the playoffs!!!

if i'm a true hoops fan, i'm insulted that the nba has come to the point when a walking-dead franchise can stagger its way into the playoffs, and maybe win a round just because they traded theo ratliff.

get rid of some teams.

billups in '08.

At 7/18/2007 5:04 PM, Anonymous IShootFours said...

The Gomes comment was the greatest thing I've heard in a long time.

Ian: No clue, all I have ever known is KOP. I couldn't get to Plymouth Meeting if I wanted to. It probably came about when Plymouth Meeting became a business epicenter and lost the Mall feeling.

At 7/18/2007 5:38 PM, Blogger Ben Q. Rock said...

Yeah, Gomes' position on the roster should be PS.

At 7/18/2007 5:46 PM, Blogger stopmikelupica said...

Danny Ainge is a survivor, yo. He learned the GM game from his McHale. He's going to find a way to keep hanging on to his job every freaking year, even while his team vacilates yearly from the lottery to 6th seed in the playoffs and back to the lottery...

Boston Celtics greats are the roaches of the NBA. They just keep hanging around, and even the post-nuclear radiation that their team are emitting won't kill them....

At 7/18/2007 5:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"The biggest problem with not getting Durant or Oden was the fact that Ainge was gonna have to do [a] fucking job."


"More grand inquisitor shit: Why do you think Kevin Garnett was like, 'Boston? All you bitches get is two humps like camels'? Because why would he want to a racist-ass town with a cannibal-ass media to play for a lame duck coach under the supervision of a guy who couldn't conjure a plan to get wet at Dorney fucking Park! I'd stay in Minnesota too! And I hate fucking lakes!"

So, it has now been made VERY clear that most high-end NBA stars do not wish to play in Boston. We can agree on this. The same Boston that has the MOST championships in the sport. The same town where the greatest players, and greatest basketball legends played... and today's star players don't want to be there AT ALL.

So to all those assholes, who in past threads said players don't want to play for small-market teams, what the fuck? We can't all play for the Lakers, Bulls, Mavs, Knicks, Suns, Heat, and Rockets (notice I omitted the Spurs, veteran whorehouse that it is).

All the jackasses that argue for contraction of the league, why? Can you imagine a league where stars could just pronounce they wouldn't play anywhere but those 6 teams? If the Spurs had been mediocre to bad for the last 10 years, would they still have a team?
They have thrived.
With stars.
In a small market.
Just because you don't recognize all the young, upcoming stars in the league, the talent is somehow diluted? You are telling me that reducing 2 teams (which is 2 rosters aka 30 players) is gonna make a huge difference? No, Boston will still be a shitty franchise with no hope, and some team like New Jersey would have Gerald Wallace (FUCK NJN). You gotta stay up on this shit. In 2020, chances are there won't be fewer NBA teams, but MORE. Would you really be surprised to see a 32 team league, where half the league is in the playoffs, and the other half is the lottery? I wouldn't.

And how the fuck is Boston considered a racist town? He already plays in Minnesota, about as white a state as we can get these days, right? (Don't bother looking up stats plz). THERE ARE 3 TEAMS IN THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS, how can Boston be so horrible to play for outside the management itself?

At 7/18/2007 6:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oops 7 teams.

At 7/18/2007 6:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"And how the fuck is Boston considered a racist town?"
... uh, I take it you've never been to Boston, or read any of the Boston sports writers... That town is racist as fuck.
fwiw, the Twin Cities area is one of the most liberal metro areas in the nation, and certainly the most liberal non-coastal region. True, it's pale as hell, but racism in Minneapolis/St. Paul is a BIG no-no.

At 7/18/2007 6:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are correct in your assumption that I have never been to Boston.

At 7/18/2007 6:52 PM, Blogger Zembla said...

Rick Pitino and Stephen Malkmus could both tell you, you can never quarantine the past.

At 7/18/2007 7:44 PM, Anonymous The Gong said...

Just shoutin' out that actual 20-10ers of the season last year were KG, Booze, Bosh, Tim, and the aforementioned Zachary Ty Bryant.
Amare and Brand were both a touch short of elite(20-10)ism.

But damn if reading a Billups article isn't more refreshing than a cold shower.

My heart goes out to Ryan Gomes.

At 7/18/2007 9:29 PM, Blogger T. said...

Whitney's Photoshop by Billups collection

Where do I pick up the coffee table book?


He can attend the Ed Nealy School of Pick Setting.

At 7/19/2007 10:36 AM, Blogger Wayne said...


At 7/19/2007 11:45 AM, Anonymous Jeff Clark said...


Getting all Lynnfield, Robert Parker? Oh NO, Next Stop Brookline!

Please don't mention the Celtics on your website. Just leave them alone. You are not good people. You liked to crapped on by men and sometimes young girls - that is why you are on this thing, the computer web.

Jeff "The Danger" Clark

At 7/19/2007 12:12 PM, Blogger Tim! said...

Jeff, you have the best site I have ever seen. God bless you and this thing, the computer web.

wv: kgfwuu - garnett's special brand of low post martial arts.

At 7/19/2007 1:18 PM, Anonymous StupidFresh said...

Players not wanting to come to Boston has nothing to do with racism. That's just a cop out. How many players fall over themselves to play for the Patriots?

At 7/19/2007 1:51 PM, Blogger seezmeezy said...

anon1- as one of the "jackasses" who argues for contraction, i'd like to answer your question after asking some questions of my own:

do you believe the quality of play in the NBA would improve if players like joe johnson or pau gasol were weren't toiling away on perennial also-rans? for example, if one of these two (or a similar caliber player) were on the 06-07 cavs, this year's finals would have at least been competitive.

obviously, not everyone can play for la, ny, chi, etc. but these teams are only more attractive because there are so many other shitty options out there.

"Can you imagine a league where stars could just pronounce they wouldn't play anywhere but those 6 teams?" uh, yeah. as the kg/amare refusals to boston proved, the league is ALREADY set up for stars to say "i'm only going to play for a handful of teams." why? because only a handful of teams can truly comepete in such a diluted talent pool.

you could not have picked a worse example than san antonio. they have thrived in a small market with a star, tim duncan, because they fell ass backwards into him. they were the #2 seed in the 1996 playoffs, then lucked up with the #1 overall pick in the 1997 draft after mr. robinson was injured and left them with a lottery roster. the spurs made the best of a great situation, just like when the celtics and lakers fell ass backwards into high draft picks/free agents/trades during their dynasties. without tim duncan, mr. robinson would have eventually looked like '01 patrick ewing while trying to squeeze 38+ minutes per night from a 25-30 minute body. basically, the spurs could very well have been mediocre to bad and lost their team if they hadn't drafted a star who really wanted to play for orlando.

recognizing the young stars in the league and recognizing too many thin rosters are two different things.

finally, the NBA is a bizness. biznesses exist to make money. of course there will be more teams in 2020, just like there will be more macdonald's franchises and more best buys. but the quality gets diluted when mass production becomes the m.o. in these biznesses, so why would it be any different in the NBA? while the league may benefit financially from the abundance of teams, i believe the quality of play suffers.

not bad for a jackass, huh?

At 4/13/2009 4:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...




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