Upgrade U: I Met a Gin-Soaked Bar Room Queen in Lynnfield
Hey, Wally: If it's here when we get back, it's ours.
One day back in the 1-9-9-5, I was driving with my high school-to-Frosh year girlfriend to the Plymouth Meeting mall. She was a surfer girl/non-ideological hippie who liked screwing, mini-golf and Jimmy Buffet. We were cruising along, talking about food and buildings when "Gold Soundz" came on. She loved that song. She had her feet up on the dash, drumming along on her thighs, occasionally adjusting the strap of her tank-top.
Then Malkmus smirked out the line, "you're the kind of girl I like/'cuz you're empty, and I'm empty, too" and I almost drove into the lobby of an Ikea bringing on a fiery death of strudel and collapsing closet organizers.
Grunden...you know what I keep in the linin'
That sensation-the sinking feeling that there is a bad moon rising...that you're about to be made but when you walk into the Italian American Veteran's Association Hall nobody's there and...
That's Paul Pierce's everyday. Everyday he wakes up and says, 'I'm a motherfucking Celtic!' And then he gets shot in the back of the head.
Ask anyone! Ask Randy Moss...
Ask Julio Lugo...
Ask the dude lamping by the Other Side Cafe wearing a tear-stained Karate t-shirt! [Google Image Search swings and misses on this particular query]
They'll say it to your face: the Celtics toss mad salads.
Now I admire commitment to an idea as much as the next sucker, so I thought Danny Ainge's youth movement was a good look. But it's pretty obvious that the Utah Saint has as much loyalty to the kids as any other businessman (meaning, it's cool if it pays the bills, otherwise the music's too loud).
You know the part in Field of Dreams where Darth Vader and Crash Davis are told, if you build it they will come? Take that shit to heart, Danny!
You nurture your own talent, make something you can call your own, that you can sell as homegrown, and the 'they' who come will be higher octane dudes than Ricky Davis and Wally.
FUCKED AROUND AND SCORED A TRIPLE-DOUBLE!
Ask yourself: Why do you think Ben chose to leave the D for Chicago (other than the fact that Sheed kept bogarting his Graham Central Station vinyl)? Because the Bulls out together a fucking Brat Pack poised to be competitive for the next decade.
More grand inquisitor shit: Why do you think Kevin Garnett was like, 'Boston? All you bitches get is two humps like camels'? Because why would he want to a racist-ass town with a cannibal-ass media to play for a lame duck coach under the supervision of a guy who couldn't conjure a plan to get wet at Dorney fucking Park! I'd stay in Minnesota too! And I hate fucking lakes!
From the Whitney's Photoshop by Billups collection
Ainge flushed the post-Pitino clique of lovable, three-pt fetishists, save Pierce, and got with the youth in revolt. Tony, Delonte, Jefferson, Perkins, Green. He drafts well! He's almost better at taking chances on mid-first round kids than playing the lotto. He was vexxed because he didn't get one of the first two picks. A curse? The only curses I know I learned watching Slap Shot and listening to Eddie Murphy at a vulnerable age. The biggest problem with not getting Durant or Oden was the fact that Ainge was gonna have to do fucking job. Like the good leads, to give Durant or Oden to Ainge would just be throwing them away.
One of the league's flagship franchises is going down in flames and as the man piloting this particular zeppelin decides to get rid of an about-to-blow combo guard, and an expiring contract most GM's would stab for and what does he get? A motherfucking perimeter player who needs much time with the rock.
Dude, I'm just a lowly custodian in the grand scheme of things, but try this on: do you think, just maybe, one of the reasons that Allen was available for a St. Joe's alum and a turkey sandwich was the fact that he was probably like, "Oh shit Kevin Durant!? Finally, I won't have to shoot so much! Now I can get back to defense and rebounding-the crown jewels of my skill set"?
No. If you go young, you gotta just smoke that shit and live with it. Toddler talent can't blossom unless they're on the court. Ask T-Mac. You might as well go to Gerald Green's crib every morning and undermine his self-esteem with insensitive comments! That dude is going to be conducting a long-distance relationship...with the fucking basketball! And let's not even get started on what Allen's New England homecoming means to everyone else. Ryan Gomes might as well change his listed position to "I SET FUCKING PICKS. IT'S ABOUT AS FUN AS IT SOUNDS."
Yo, the crazy thing about all this? The Celtics will probably be .500 or better and make the playoffs. I mean Pierce and Ray have to be good for 40-60 a night right? That just means Al Jefferson has to do tip-in's and put-back's and they can beat half the team's in the East. Note: this depends on Rondo's development and/or Telfair's tenuous status. How is Young Bassy, by the way?
"A slimmed-down Bassy recently bought a home in Las Vegas
...has been working out this summer...He's not on the summer league roster, nor is he expected to play for the summer league team, but...he was running through plays on the Green team with Rajon Rondo, Leon Powe, Gerald Green and Davis for most of Tuesday's session."
The Green Team! Too bad they aren't the Celtics.