Where Amazing Happens Pt. II
Day 2 of our ongoing EVERY PLAYER PREVIEW, in which Bethlehem Shoals, Billups, Brown Recluse, Esq., and I preview the fortunes of every single player in the entire league. Thanks to bleacherbloggers for featuring our preview on their episode today, and thanks to SI.com for the love.
Players with last names A-F can be found here. Players G-O are listed below.
Gadzuric, Dan: Decides to grow dreadlocks
Garbajosa, Jorge: Demands a trade to the Grizzlies
Garcia, Francisco: Supplants Mike Bibby in the starting line up because Reggie Theus decides he prefers "tall point guards"
Gardner, Thomas: Applies to law school
Garnett, Kevin: Walks the Freedom Trail alone
Garrity, Pat: Pat Burke convinces him to join the Irish national team
Gasol, Pau: Wins first MVP award
Gay, Rudy: Enjoys extreme popularity among WNBA fans
Gelabale, Mickael: It is discovered that he is not really French, nor is that his real hair
George, Devean: Renews efforts to become the next Robert Horry
Gibson, Daniel: Starts shaving every day
Gill, Eddie: Gets Harold Arceneaux a job as Vince Carter's personal assistant
Ginobili, Manu: Marries a Spanish language soap opera star
Giricek, Gordan: Discovers he is a distant relative of Jeff Hornacek
Gomes, Ryan: Becomes best friends with Craig Smith
Gooden, Drew: Starts collecting Finnish psych-folk records
Gordon, Ben: Finally traded, averages 25 ppg on his new team
Gortat, Marcin: Becomes a French citizen
Graham, Joey: Hangs out with Jason Collins
Graham, Stephen: Hangs out with Jarron Collins
Graham, Sylvester: Invented Graham crackers to stop kids from masturbating
Granger, Danny: Decides that he can't hang out with David Harrison anymore
Gray, Aaron: Becomes the Bulls' starting center and Skiles's new favorite player
Green, Devin: Will live forever in the shadow of Devin Brown
Green, Gerald: Sees "Return of the Jedi" for the first time
Green, Jeff: Will make Spencer Hawes jealous
Green, Taurean: Traded to the Bulls because Paul Allen thinks it's funny
Green, Willie: Runs for mayor of Philadelphia
Greene, Orien: Gets in a fight with Taurean Green
Griffin, Adrian: Abruptly quits the NBA and joins the White Sox for spring training
Ham, Darvin: As a Magic sub: a veteran in his twilight. In the 'lazy river' of Typhoon Lagoon's Castaway Creek? The Central Florida co-ed's will call him player of the year.
Hamilton, Alexander: Will finally admit that when in shootouts it is prudent to stay low and keep firing. He learned the hardest way there is.
Hamilton, Richard: Will find that the mask wears him.
Hardaway, Anfernee: if his season matches the buzz he could win comeback player of the decade and save the West Memphis 3.
Harpring, Matt: Will know what it means to achieve total enlightenment (the "right way") while attending a December Kenny Wayne Sheppard gig at Salt Lake’s rockin’ lil’ road house, the Dead Goat Saloon.
Harrington, Al: Will finally finish Infinite Jest.
Harrington, Othella: On a fog laden night, at 4AM, in a practically unfurnished mansion by Lake Wylie, Othella will gamble and lose the virginity of his first-born (boy or girl) to Charles Oakley during a Texas Hold 'Em game. Unbeknownst to Harrington, Michael Jordan watches from behind a two way mirror wearing nothing but a Craig Ehlo throwback and a Bugs Bunny mask, talking into a Bluetooth mic, wagering on something much, much more important.
Harris, Devin: Will discover the dark side of the misadventures of two women and one man living in one apartment and their neighbors.
Harrison, David: Will find out what happens when Mike Dunleavy stops being polite and starts being real.
Hart, Jason: Will never quite walk off the shock of Andrei Kirilenko’s decided lack of AK-47’s. "I don’t pass to liars."
Haslem, Udonis: Will buy Regal Cinemas South Beach so that he can watch the Assasination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, in it’s proper widescreen setting, every single night, incessantly muttering, "poetry don’t work on whores," to himself.
Hassell, Trenton: Lost in America.
Hayes, Chuck: Will smash Rebecca DeMornay.
Hayes, Jarvis: Will shoot for Boddingtons.
Haywood, Brendan: Will visit Etan Thomas—his longtime nemesis—in the hospital following Thomas’ heart procedure. B-Hay will lean in and tell his teammate, "Grey-hair, before you die, know that I will put under the knife your children, and wipe your seed from this earth forever…No homo."
Head, Luther: Will share his favorite quote, "You always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take," with Yao Ming, who takes Head’s token of brotherhood as an insult to his homeland’s imported fortune cookie mysticism. Fed up with being treated like the main attraction in a circus, and with Steve Francis' constant declarations that Formula 50 Vitamin Water "is for closers," Ming presses a button on his cell, bringing on the full might of the combined Chinese armed forces—including the apocalyptic power of the Doomsday Machine—upon Houston and the greater United States, thus beginning WWIII and making Michael Jordan the winner of his wager.
Herrmann, Walter: Will have his Achilles cut by a switchblade in an act of blood-sugar deprived desperation by Adam Morrisson. Michael Jordan misses the violence while playing with Othella Harrington’s newborn son, Charles Oakley Jr.
Hill, Grant: Will finally give up and admit he doesn’t "get" snap music.
Hill, Herbert: Based on one pre-season performance, could feasibly average 21 boards per game.
Hinrich, Kirk: Will walk by Skiles during opening night introductions —as Luol Deng screams, "I’M ON THE WESTSIDE OF CHICAGO LOOKING FOR A BUS DOWN TO MAKE ME PUT MY TWO ARMS UP; TOUCHDOWN!" to Nocioni—and say, "For the first time in my life, I know what I want to do! And for the first time, I'm going to DO IT! Whether you want me to or not! Carpe diem!"
Hite, Robert: Caught a DUI when cops found "his breath smelled like alcohol, his eyes were bloodshot, and he slurred his speech." That’s called "competitive spirit," Knocko.
Hollins, Ryan: Life peaked with this this.
Homan, Jared: Will entertain himself by moderating a Boot Camp Clik message board.
Horford, Al: Might be the key that unlocks Marvin and saves Joe Johnson from a gurney.
Horry, Robert: Jealous one’s still envy.
House, Eddie: If the Celtics are the Dirty Dozen, and Garnett is Lee Marvin, Pierce is Jim
Brown Allen is Bronson, Glen Davis is Clint Walker, Doc is Ralph Meeker, Ainge is Ernest Borgnine, Rondo is Seth Sawyer, Tony Allen is Trini Lopez, Posey is Tully Savalas, Pollard is the grunt that gets executed and Rondo is Tassos Bravos…then House is obviously Cassavettes.
Houston, Allan: Done and done, though Cormega still maintains "My movement's like the automatic top on a coupe. Smoothness, like Allen Houston got when he shoots."
Howard, Dwight: Will make a run at MVP while Lebron is looking at waterfront property in DUMBO.
Howard, Josh: Will say why don’t we fuck around and at the end of the game, give me the ball instead of Klaus. And will be a Laker at Christmas.
Howard, Juwan: Will cause the real estate bubble to burst.
Hudson, Troy: Could go totally nuts if the Warriors wasn’t one season of memories and beards.
Hughes, Larry: Last chance for a slow dance. All-NBA list of co-stars; no ribbons to show for it.
Humphries, Kris: Will go on a living spree.
Hunter, Lindsey: Will declare 37 the new 32.
Hunter, Steven: Will really hit it off with K-Mart.
Iguodala, Andre: Bourne Ultimatum Tangiers rooftop scene
Ilgauskas, Zydrunas- "I don’t give a fuck, Riggs. That’s why I don’t have an ulcer, because I know when to say, 'I don’t give a fuck.'"
Ilic, Mile: "Would like to start a car collection." Someone get this man a laserdisc of New Jersey Drive.
Ilunga-Mbenga, Didier: Blackbelt in Judo; so at least he’s got that going for him.
Iverson, Allen: TRUE I GOT MORE FANS THAN THE AVERAGE MAN BUT NOT ENOUGH LOOT TO LAST ME TO THE END OF THE WEEK, I LIVE BY THE BEAT LIKE YOU LIVE CHECK TO CHECK. IF YOU DON'T MOVE YO' FOOT THEN I DON'T EAT, SO WE LIKE NECK TO NECK. YES WE DONE COME A LONG WAY LIKE THEM SLIM ASS CIGARETTES FROM VIRGINIA, THIS AIN'T GON STOP SO WE JUST GONNA CONTINUE.
Ivey, Royal: Will turn to Yi Jianilan and say, "Deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy... the FEAR to attack. And so, because of the automated and irrevocable decision-making process, which rules out human meddling, the Doomsday machine is terrifying and simple to understand... and completely credible and convincing."
Jack, Jarrett: Will take time off to bond with Oden
Jackson, Bobby: After all these years, makes that call to Doug Christie
Jackson, Jermaine: Decides there's more to life than hating his mother
Jackson, Luke: Applies for medical exception and enters Dunk Contest
Jackson, Stephen: All-Star, motherfucker
Jacobson, Casey: Gets berated by his in-laws
Jacobson, Kerry: Releases my medical records to the tabloids
Jaffee, Al: Gets dumped by his twenty year-old girlfriend
James, Jerome: Develops a very expensive designer vinegar habit
James, LeBron: Wins the scoring title and loses all credibility
James, Mike: The reason Houston makes the Finals
Jamison, Antawn: Will be voted World's Greatest Neighbor, given the coveted Applebee's Black Card
Jaric, Marko: Women finally start asking him why he can't get in the game
Jefferson, Al: Averages five assists a game and confuses even himself
Jefferson, Dontell: Wishes it were 2005
Jefferson, Richard: Tired of the bullshit, he decides to stop watching his novelas
Jeffries, Jared: Will miss the entire season by accident
Johnson, Alexander: Makes his family very proud, one shoulder at a time
Johnson, Amir: You will never look at "Per 48 Minutes" the same way again
Johnson, Anthony: Gets that biker jacket with two skeleton warthogs and "40" spelled out in real wood
Johnson, Joe: Turns out, he's been really high since Phoenix
Johnson, Trey: I believe in him, even if he doesn't
Jones, Bobby: Good thing he landed in Philly, where nostalgia alone will keep him on the roster
Jones, Dahntay: Will emerge as important team leader
Jones, Damon: Traded to a shopping mall
Jones, Dwayne: Politely reminds Mike Brown that he's tall
Jones, Eddie: Quietly sets the NBA record for most games played ever
Jones, Fred: Is a natural at negotiating the subway
Jones, James: Meets Kanye
Jones, Jumaine: Lobbies for an expansion draft
Jones, Solomon: Recipient of the greatest nickname you have ever heard
Jordan, Jared: Leads the league in racially motivate praise.
Jordan, Michael: Doubles his royalty points on your brain
Kaman, Chris: Will have a cameo on that caveman show
Kapono, Jason: The James Jones to T.J. Ford's Steve Nash
Karl, Coby: Beats Mike Dunleavy, Jr. to death
Khryapa, Viktor: Decides to breed racehorses
Kidd, Jason: Will continue to outsmart his body and opposing point guards
Kinsey, Tarence: Mike Conley's dad asks him if he can be his agent
Kinsley, Michael: Well-known liberal pundit, used to be on "Crossfire"
Kirilenko, Andrei: His wife will fuck another man while he watches
Kleiza, Linas: Will take minutes from both Eduardo Najera and J.R. Smith
Knight, Brevin: Invests in Buena Park Medieval Times
Korolev, Yaroslav: Follows Corey Maggette around a lot
Korver, Kyle: Converts to Scientology and orchestrates a trade to LA
Krstic, Nenad: Finally healthy, leads the Nets to the Eastern Conference finals
Kruger, Kevin: Hiding from Coby Karl
LaFrentz, Raef: Has a heart-to-heart with Joel Przybilla
Landry, Carl: Doesn't even have a profile picture on NBA.com
Lang, Kris: Still hasn't improved since his freshman year in college
Langford, Keith: His mom gets her own blog on nbdl.com
Lasme, Stephane: Gives Brandan Wright a lecture about global politics
Law, Acie: Has the bestselling Hawks jersey since 'Nique
Law, John: Adventurous British jazz and classical pianist
Lee, David: Starts taking night classes at Stern
Lewis, Rashard: Averages 25 ppg, doesn't make all-star game
Livingston, Shaun: Recovers completely
Lowry, Kyle: Will beat out Mighty Mouse and Conley for starting job
Lucas III, John: Develops meth addiction just to get attention
Lue, Tyronn: Buys a vintage orgone box on eBay
Lyde, Kevin: Chokes Marcus Camby while screaming, "This is for Coach Cheney!"
Madsen, Mark: Signs petition to bring back Camp Snoopy
Maggette, Corey: Makes more free throws than field goals
Magloire, Jamaal: Pees in Vince Carter's locker for what he did to Toronto
Mahinmi, Ian: Joins Tony Parker's posse
Manuel, Jackie: Arm wrestles Rajon Rondo....from across the locker room!
Marbury, Stephon: Starts a megachurch on Coney Island
Marion, Shawn: Asks Scottie Pippen for advice
Marks, Sean: Becomes the tallest person to ever attend a David Kilgour concert
Marshall, Donyell: Is getting really sick of Larry Hughes's shit
Martin, Darrick: Retires and becomes a referee
Martin, Kenyon: Finally realizes that George Karl cares about him deeply
Martin, Kevin: Will lead the league in scoring
Martin, Torrell: Finishes downloading every episode of 90210
Mason, Desmond: Senator Kohl buys one of his paintings
Mason, Roger: Becomes an ordained minister
Massenburg, Tony: Retires to spend more time with his grandchildren
Maxiell, Jason: Kind of scares McDyess a little bit
May, Sean: Takes up knitting
McCants, Rashad: Finds Al Jefferson to be less intellectually stimulating than KG
McCoy, Jelani: Moves in with Jaleel White
McDyess, Antonio: Will volunteer to come off the bench
McGrady, Tracy: Gets accupuncture, leads Rockets to the title
McGuire, Dominic: Opens a hair salon
McInnis, Jeff: Charles Oakley persuades Jordan to cut him
McRoberts, Josh: Inherits a castle in Scotland
Mejia, Sammy: Signs with the Globetrotters
Mihm, Chris: Convinces Kobe to take up golf
Miles, C.J.: Ultimately ends up in San Antonio
Miles, Darius: Still hasn't met Greg Oden
Milicic, Darko: Discovers rockabilly
Miller, Andre: Becomes concerned about the environment
Miller, Brad: Lets Kevin Martin watch wrestling at his house
Miller, Mike: Wins the 3-Point Shootout
Millsap, Paul: Regresses
Mobley, Cuttino: Is born again, donates his suits to charity
Mohammed, Nazr: Wishes his name was spelled Nasir
Moon, Jamario: Hates that Kanye West song
Moore, Mikki: Gets arrested for illegal possession of exotic snakes
Morris, Randolph: Isiah Thomas insists on calling him Randy
Morrison, Adam: Develops a heroin addiction
Mourning, Alonzo: Has nothing more to play for
Muoneke, Gabe: Plays in the Iranian Super League
Murphy, Troy: Opens an Irish pub in South Bend
Murray, Ronald: Is displaced by Rodney Stuckey
Mutombo, Dikembe: Arthritis makes finger wagging too painful
Nachbar, Bostjan: Sneakily becomes Nets' most exciting dunker
Najera, Eduardo: Publishes racy memoir entitled "Love in the Time of Najera"
Nash, Steve: Privately asks media not to vote for him this year
Navarro, Juan Carlos: Makes Gasol's MVP season possible
Nelson, Jameer: Silences the haters
Nene: Becomes a vegetarian
Nesterovic, Rasho: Has trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Newble, Ira: Adopts an Ethiopian orphan
Newson, Jared: Studying for the GMAT
Nichols, Demetris: Sleeping on Gerry McNamara's parents' couch
Noah, Joakim: Makes a better pro than you thought he would
Nocioni, Andres: Shaves goatee and loses all of his powers
Noel, David: Overheard telling someone that Desmond Mason is "a deep cat"
Novak, Steve: Tells reporters the name of T-Mac's accupuncturist
Nowitzki, Dirk: Freed by failure, has his best season to date
O'Bryant, Patrick: Adopts a tree in Israel
O'Neal, Jermaine: Mentors Darko
O'Neal, Shaquille: Album Executive Produced by J.R. Totem
O’Neal Tatum: Surprise Oscar sleeper?
Oberto, Fabricio: Finally gets his own personalized fragrance
Obrzut, Lukasz: Is going to vomit on a prostitute
Oden, Greg: Will be covered in moss by mid-February
Odom, Lamar: Will never shed tears again
Okafor, Emeka: Michael Jackson purchases his spine
Okur, Mehmet: Refuses to stand for the Star-Spangled Banner
Ollie, Kevin: A throw-in contract that is the key to making some monster-trade work
Outlaw, Bo: Will be a bad role model for somebody
Outlaw, Travis: Finally gets arrested
Owens, Andre: Decides to play wide receiver instead
Labels: every player preview