Stamped and Moved

I really didn't think this would count as a live-blog of Suns/Lakers, first half. But then Billups was all "just tell 'em we're not trying to be Hollinger or Marc Stein," and that was enough for me to hear.

Billups: you think kobe saw the tom cruise video and thought, 'that is some real talk.”?
Bethlehem Shoals: it sounds like kobe, or at least the way I imagine kobe’s thoughts working. Has he ever considered converting?
B: i think he already is, naturally. he just needs to learn all the acronyms they have. i know all this bullshit because my aunt is a scientologist.
BS: is KSW a restaurant?
B: So, ksw: keeps scientology working. SP: suppressive personality.
BS: Kobe needs more acronyms in his life. Wasn't "kobe" an acronym at one point?
B: keep on balling eternally?
BS: Wasn't his record called "k.o.b.e."
B: i think it was called lifestylez of the well-travelled and emotionally retarded. one of the last fondle 'em releases. r.i.p.

BS: i fucking hate it when announcers say "so and so playing like a linebacker" or "billups is like a running back"
B: we're going to be liveblogging like strong safetys tonight
BS: wait, did chuck just call nash "a kicker”? that's like a triply-mixed sports metaphors. It's saying that the QB needs to be ripped so he can step up and bust heads.
B: i wish one of these dickfarmers would surprise me. like if boomer esiason looked up and said, tom brady is the new daniel plainview.

B: is there a bball equivalent to the following nfl shit: the marlo-esque vindictive-ness with which the pats slap teams around
BS: this year's nuggets winning a championship. Playing every game on the road.
B: how about the way philip rivers seems to be begging for death. Rodney harrison is gonna make that kid look like he just watched the tape from The Ring.
BS: you know my stance on that. If a quarterback can't whup a safety's ass, he's a fucking kicker that happens to throw the ball
B: Rivers is like the alcoholic friend dude nobody likes enough to bother staing an intervention
BS: the basketball equvialent? Webber playing center against dwight howard?
B: webber seems pretty secular but he keeps making me think of tyler perry for some reason.
BS: are you sure he doesn't remind you of someone who would be forced to appear in a tyler perry movie? i.e. stringer?
B: at this point i think idris is doing that shit voluntarily

B: my la-born co-worker was telling me that bynum's injury will be good for the lakers. That the "other centers" will "get loose"
BS: do these people know who the other centers are? or what "get loose" refers to, anatomically?
B: get loose i think means watch the tom cruise video
BS: this tom cruise video is the most lakers thing i've ever seen. by which i mean, the logical meeting point of who kobe is, who kobe thinks he is, phil, and trevor ariza.
BS: see, here's the thing: rich powerful people are weird anyway. instead of it being a cult that preys on them maybe it actually allows them some degree of normalcy. Like how crispin glover movies make retards popular.
B: it allows them to feel more like god than they already do. Cruise talks about how if he sees a car accident he has to stop because he knows he's the only one who can help. That's what kobe used to think about smush

B: apropos of nothing, did you see frank caliendo in black face the other night
BS: um, no. who was he playing?
B: he was doing barkley
BS: isn't blackface okay for fat people? because all fat people are more like each other than they are like their own people
B: charles seemed impressed but there was a few seconds where i thought he might tear his fucking tonsils out.
BS: impressed by the impersonation, or by the fact that he was in blackface?
B: well, i guess it was uncanny. i don't mind impressions, i just don't understand people who get balls deep into doing them. caliendo said some impressions take him 2 years to master.that's not some shit i'd put on my bucket list, nahmean?

B: how much longer is phil gonna coach?
BS: i like when phil indicates that coaching takes a lot of him. it seems like most of toll it takes is orthopedic. i mean, i believe bynum means another 2-3 years of everyone. even shaq
B: i didn't see the spurs game. did popp smack the shit out of longoria when parker missed the free throws?
BS: no, she's a ghost now. ghost longoria seems more attractive than the real thing--ghosts are naturally sleazy
B: i wonder what they talk about. the dearth of ideas combined with the language barrier
BS: they are slowly counting down from 100000000000000. at which point, eva will finally administer a blow job
B: you think he ran lines with her for over my dead body? "how can you be here, you are a ghost"

B: yo, have you seen juno?
BS: have i ever ("quarterback from the low-post position")
B: i really want marlo to tell chris to kill someone and cap it with, "honest to motherfucking blog: kill that dicksucker."
BS: i would like to see marlo in a campus comedy
B: the only black person in juno is someone in the abortion clinic. no alias chick for her, i guess. i had to watch the end of the departed just to cleanse my palette after seeing that.
i'm mad.
that diablo cody is the marsha to my jan
for no reason.
i'm gonna keep talking until you chime in.

BS: i have missed everyone of these amare dunks
B: i'm sure it will be better than you think
BS: the dunks or this live-blog?
B: both
BS: i was hoping the dunks would be worse than i thought


At 1/18/2008 12:20 PM, Blogger MC Welk said...

Are the images an homage to Alcatraz?

At 1/18/2008 12:23 PM, Blogger Wild Yams said...

While watching the Laker crowd boo Kwame Brown almost to tears last night, I began to wonder if they were also booing Luke Walton (for repeatedly having his shots blocked by Shawn Marion and for missing a bunch of 3 footers) or if they were just saying "Luuuuke" like they sometimes do for him. I then began to wonder if you're someone like Luke Walton who has a name like that, how do you know when they're actually booing you? Does it make you immune in your mind from being booed cause you just think they're calling your name?

What I'm trying to say is that I think Kwame needed Smithers to be there last night to tell him the crowd was saying "Boo-rown".

At 1/18/2008 1:39 PM, Blogger Zeke said...

I like how you guys say Idris instead of Idris Elba, cause you know, you know him personally and all.

At 1/18/2008 7:00 PM, Blogger Ty Keenan said...

Kwame: Chris, are they booing me?
Mihm: No, they're saying "boo-rown!" Boo-rown!
Kwame: Are you saying "boo" or "boo-rown"?
Crowd: Boooo!
Coby Karl: I was saying "boo-rown."

Also, Zeke, calm down.

At 1/18/2008 9:41 PM, Blogger MaxwellDemon said...

Gentlemen, I applaud you. A nation in transition needs more Billups. I am trying to imagine your Juno when it finally gets funding--"Dad, I'm getting an abortion, yaoming? Let me LIVE A FUCKING LITTLE."

Incidentally, don't see The Savages unless you have never seen an indie film before and want to see all of them at once. However, Gbenga/Chris Partlow gets some "don't typecast me as the baddest motherfucker ever" supporting work, so there is that.

At 1/18/2008 10:49 PM, Blogger jawaan oldham said...

I am very happy that the word "dickfarmer" now exists.

At 1/19/2008 3:14 AM, Blogger adam8000plus said...

"That's what kobe used to think about smush"

I will still be laughing - hand still over my mouth - for at least five minutes after you have read this.

At 1/19/2008 6:06 AM, Blogger morgenstern said...

Kobe's adidas were called kingdom of basketball experience, or something like that.


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