1.04.2008

THIS IS NOT A LIVE BLOG



The people of America will frequently be politically apathetic, and deflect their own guilt by accusing celebrities of the same. As if those wealthy, important, busy people had nothing better to do, or were to blame for the indifference of the masses. This is especially fallacious when it comes to athletes, who are not role models and spend a lot of time on airplanes.

However, every once a while, an issue arises that seizes the great and powerful as if by storm, forcing them to take notice and assert their reluctant social relevance. This year, our nation's right to live the principle of plural marriage hangs in the balance. No one on our shores cares about this more than the Chicago Bulls and the Portland Trailblazers, who fought a double overtime battle on the hardwood as the Iowa caucus results rolled in, and who all have at least twenty wives. Right down to the trainers and announcers. Therefore, they have chosen to take action the only way they know how: by making a mixtape dedicated to the candidate they believe is most committed to achieving their goal. They will stand up and fight—for polygamy—by loudly touting their human horse in the political race.

With the Iowa caucus now cemented as corn-fed prophecy, we are able to share some of the players' choices with you. They all reveal an incredibly subtle taste in music, eschew all radio rap, and have absolutely no overlap between them. This is democracy in action on many levels, a marketplace of ideas from which we might very well never recover.

CHICAGO BULLS

Chris Duhon: Hillary Clinton

If there's only one thing you can remember about Chris Duhon, make it his love for the ladies. Don't let his altar boy looks fool you, this man gets trim for days--literally. He has exactly 30 wives, one for every day of the month (whenever there's a 31st, he takes a night off). The first woman with a legit shot at the presidency may seem like an odd choice for someone whose number one issue is legalized polygamy, but Duhon is confident in the knowledge that Hillary let Bill get some on the side.

Mixtape: "Longfellow Serenade: The Best of Neil Diamond" (the name makes him giggle)

Kirk Hinrich: John Edwards

People like to think Hinrich is some hick, and himself the son of a Midwest dock worker. But one of us once heard him dismiss a Bulls employee as a "cracker-ass cracker," and his nickname 'round the stalks used to be "Young Glove". The vote here is for the Edwards daughters, who happen to look like wives 3-5 of Hinrich's harem of 50. Kirk's always wanted to make a difference, and if Edwards gets elected, he can subtly exchange his wives for the President's kids and all of a sudden be in a position to make moves. Chew on that, Karl Rove!

Mixtape: "Stick It In, Crank the Ignition: Two Decades of French Joe C Impersonators"

Joakim Noah: Dennis Kucinich

Noah is torn between his love of the limelight, his man-of-the-people internationalism, and his secret longing to attend Antioch. Luckily, his need to keep fourteen wives in his stable lights the way; Kucnich is a staunch monogamist, but he's down with being open and letting people live their lives. Even if Noah didn't practice polygamy, he'd be drawn to Kunuich's unreconstructed, timeless campus liberalism, and his affinity for people losing their jobs overseas. Also, Michelle is handsome and all, but Kucinich's wife is actually, unqualifiably, hot. Just the way that Obama's ethnic and crusading and all, but Kucinich really wants to shake things up.

Mixtape: "Principled Lady: Great Moments in Caribbean Boogie"



Joe Smith: Mitt Romney

Smith has an obvious interest in the religion founded by his namesake, and his years of research have resulted in profound respect for the Church of Latter Day Saints, although he has not himself converted. His affection for East Coast hip-hop has him in a more Five Percent state of mind (another uniquely American religion founded by a Smith!), but whenever he plays in SLC, he always gets to thinkin' what if. Celestial marriage sounds dope, and he's got multiple earthly wives already, even if D. Original has him beat (34 to 22).

Mixtape: "Ammonite Wizdom: Obscure Early '90s Hip-hop from New Jersey" (mp3 available at Cocaine Blunts)

PORTLAND TRAILBLAZERS

Steve Blake: FUCK VOTING

Years spent living in DC and the Pacific NW have radicalized this young man, whose shaved head once symbolized a solidarity with his closely shorn black teammates, but is now evidence of a different kind of struggle. You'll find Blake setting fire to one of his teammate's Range Rovers before you find him in a voting booth. Barack Obama or Mike Huckabee? It doesn't matter, they both suckle at the corrupt, hollow teat of Christian capitalism.

Mixtape: "Empire Death: Crust Punk From Scotland and Northern Ireland"



Jarrett Jack: Rudy Giluiani

Jack plays like a bulldog—a bulldog of a point guard! That's like Giulani, a bully of a mayor and an iron-fisted prosecutor, trying to have some common touch on the campaign trail. These two men need each other. Giulani has been married eight times and some of these must have overlapped. A few of Jarrett Jack's twenty wives think they're married to Cuba Gooding, Jr., and the pocketbook ain't disagreein'. Plus everyone wants to be from New York.

Mixtape: "A Man's Got to Mean It: Rural Black Eighties Hardcore"

Travis Outlaw: Mike Huckabee

Anyone notice how Huckabee went from a fringe hick, to a novelty act, to a viable candidate who made the same old crap seem refreshing? That's a lot like Travis Outlaw: wasted draft pick, athletic cyclone, and now all of a sudden a deadly shooter and clutch item. But like Huckabee, the Fender-cranking preacher who somehow won a primary, Outlaw's teetering between incidental and truly original. Poor Man's Gerald Wallace (thanks, Ziller) or Rashard with a motor? Only God knows. Plus he has three wives, and Huckabee is a fundamentalist.

Mixtape: "Quiescent Shapings: New Delta Musique Concrete"

Coach Nate McMillan: Barack Obama

Basketball is a font of eternal youth. Politics can bring on age's majesty and wear with unspeakable quickness. Except in this case. A Nate Supreme has seemed forty since he turned twenty-five, while Obama's got hearts fluttering like he was Elvis. But wait, when the cards come out, these two men are of the same generation, and have shared together some very general and fuzzy hopes and dreams. They know each other. And if one of them—not saying who—had a few legal girls on the side, the other one wouldn't dime out his brother in the struggle. Both are very good husbands, too.

Mixtape: "4-2 = me +u : Sweet JUCO Soul"


*Original concept, color illustrations, and much of the text provided by BETHLEHEM SHOALS.

28 Comments:

At 1/04/2008 12:33 PM, Blogger Brown Recluse, Esq. said...

I neglected to mention that this post was a collaboration with Bethelehem Shoals, who is also responsible for the color illustrations.

 
At 1/04/2008 12:50 PM, Blogger Spencer said...

That was some vintage work BR, well done.

 
At 1/04/2008 12:52 PM, Blogger goathair said...

Steve Blake does seem like a very aggro punk kind of guy. This was awesome.

 
At 1/04/2008 1:02 PM, Blogger Ziller said...

Ben Wallace: John McCain

"I have been there, so listen up futhamuckas! You have to KNOW these fools to deal with 'em; if you haven't looked into their eyes, you don't know what the fuck you dealing with." Applies to terrorists, Shaq, and angry fathers of 17-year-old wives.

Mixtape Title: "THIS IS THE REAL: Jacksonville's Rap-Rock Roots"

 
At 1/04/2008 1:20 PM, Blogger Aaron said...

Thank God for an end to the navel-gazing. Word to Chris Dodd.

 
At 1/04/2008 2:13 PM, Blogger T. said...

This is the kind of random post that drew me to FreeDarko in the first place.

wv: mkmmra - Mark McNamara's personalized license place

 
At 1/04/2008 2:59 PM, Blogger William said...

Nicioni is/was for Tancredo. No doubts.

 
At 1/04/2008 3:13 PM, Blogger MC Welk said...

Mitt Romney is Mexican, not that there's anything wrong with it:
http://www.groupsrv.com/religion/about274442.html

 
At 1/04/2008 4:16 PM, Blogger stopmikelupica said...

Joe Kim Noah's scoring average = Dennis Kucinich's % in the Iowa primary...

 
At 1/07/2008 12:38 AM, Blogger personalmathgenius said...

While Steve Blake is becoming crusty punk, I'd like to say thanks to whichever writer or commenter that said Tony Parker was Justice. I've been watching them most of the night on Youtube and quite enjoying it. Once again, a musical mention in FD has proved to be a good one. And here, that may be anything from Shoals interviewing Neil Hagerty to
Billups turning WC & the Madd Circle into a technical college.

You may now go back to your n-numbered wives.

 
At 1/07/2008 12:22 PM, Blogger quiet strength said...

Noah is ready for a first lady with a tongue ring.

 
At 1/07/2008 4:42 PM, Blogger salt_bagel said...

I doubt this would be the consensus, but for me this rivals Guide to Style. This transcends.

I can't tell if the yellow object in the last album cover is a machine gun or an untied bow tie. Or maybe the tissue wrapper from the rose.

wv: fmrnwbjp: talk radio focused on health care issues hosted by a nurse in Yokohama. With a dancing frog.

 
At 1/08/2008 4:48 AM, Blogger T. said...

If this doesn't cement Obama as the choice for Freedarko, nothing ever will:

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/multimedia/photo_gallery/0712/price.obama/content.1.html

 
At 1/08/2008 10:13 AM, Blogger Get said...

Please...Obama's skin color cemented himself as the "choice for Freedarko."

 
At 1/08/2008 10:56 AM, Blogger Leonardson Saratoga said...

or the fact that he's unbelievably brilliant despite his flaws, that he fairly recently was a relative unknown/longshot, that hes a calm, collected leader who can still be a stone cold killer, etc...

i would ask for a FD endorsement, but i somehow feel that those at the heart of FD have their philosophical issues with partisan politics and popular elections (or candidate endorsements, for that matter)

 
At 1/08/2008 3:36 PM, Blogger Brown Recluse, Esq. said...

@Get......you don't.

 
At 1/08/2008 6:26 PM, Blogger Andy said...

from T.'s link:

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/multimedia/photo_gallery/0712/price.obama/content.7.html

wow. somebody needs to approach just how fraught with thousands of meanings a black presidential candidate laying it up in front of that sign is.

and ball as international diplomacy needs to happen in the barry obama administration. who should be secretary of state? please don't say stern. i say WORLD B. FREE!

 
At 1/08/2008 6:33 PM, Blogger Andy said...

also, is that a near death fela kuti in that first picture?

wv: ptvlb - a new statistical measurement ai will always lead the league in, points versus pounds

 
At 1/09/2008 2:31 PM, Blogger Benjy Sarlin said...

Did no one else notice that perfectly times with the New Hampshire results yesterday was Chicago (Obama) versus New York (Clinton) and that New York narrowly eked out an unexpected victory at roughly the exact same time CNN called the election fro Clinton? Just saying.

 
At 1/09/2008 8:24 PM, Blogger C.B. Jack said...

Utah Jazz (and every Jazz fan ever) - Mitt Romney

Go figure. Guess we stick together.

Check out the funniest Utah Jazz blog on the internet:

http://myutahjazz.blogspot.com

Late.

 
At 1/10/2008 3:16 AM, Blogger T. said...

from Simba's links today, a Nick Hornby interview with David Simon

http://www.believermag.com/issues/200708/?read=interview_simon

 
At 1/10/2008 1:32 PM, Blogger MC Welk said...

C.B. Jack is link-whoring like a missionary.

 
At 1/13/2008 1:13 AM, Blogger Fat Contradiction said...

Remember when you were good?

-Fat

 
At 1/13/2008 2:50 PM, Blogger Heaven said...

Would that be when you praised us as a whiter, inferior version of Billups?

 
At 1/13/2008 3:20 PM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

Sorry, wrong account.

Fat, I actually think I hate you. Here's what had to say about us when we were "good":

FIRST COMMENT ON THIS POST.

Really, how far could we really have fallen?

Oh, and restate the obvious, how am I supposed to take seriously someone who didn't recognize "high like giraffe ass"?

 
At 1/13/2008 3:21 PM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

PS Of course I wouldn't bother with this if I didn't think you were a smart guy whose other comments I have quite enjoyed.

 
At 4/13/2009 3:31 AM, Blogger 平平 said...

^^Thanks!!

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At 4/30/2013 5:20 AM, Blogger Jack Hobbs said...

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Football Betting

 

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