Light the Boots and Files

Stop the madness, please! At least now I've realized that I only liked calling Kobe "the best" as an honorific, not an empirical distinction. Stop comparing people. Compare teams, and players like Chris Paul who are extensions of their teams (and vice-versa).

Let's revert to important matters, like Chris Andersen's return to the league. How long ago it seems that the Hornets were poised to move forward. . . with Chris Paul, J.R. Smith, and Chris Andersen. That makes even me nervous.

Anyway, welcome back, Birdman. You did drugs, I could care less, you're a funny player. What continues to fascinate me about Andersen's odyssey is the mystery nature of the substance involved. I told Billups earlier that Andersen + any drug makes a worthy punchline. But here, allow me to harken back to a post I wrote ages ago for FanHouse. The gist: As part of the CBA, the NBA goes out of its way to identify the substance involved when a player fails a PED test. I can't remember exactly how pot works, but I think that the punishment makes it pretty obvious what the offense is. Then there's that other class of drugs, of which Andersen is guilty of abusing.

So the NBA sincerely feels it has nothing to hear or hide from PEDs, so much so that it wants the particular chemical names out there. Perhaps it's because, as in the Lindsey Hunter instance above, some lend themselves (or are the result of) perfectly regular excuses. Pot is pot: Stuck in the league, tricky to crack down on, and only so offensive to so many people—and among those who would be pissed, a given even if no one's coming up dirty for it.

It's the other shit that the league's anxious about, exactly because they don't want imaginations whirring. Chris Andersen and his multi-cultural house of mirrors is a special case, but while pot's a mundane fact of all walks of American life, the last thing the NBA needs is drug exoticism on its hands. Stern does not want eyes wide at the thought of rivers of blow, pills in the pocket, or anything else that could add a whole new wrinkle to the league's image problems. And as much as I hate pot, it's the one truly universal drug. It's very nearly its own demographic, the way drinking is.

More me (everything's late this week because my hands broke):

TSN treatise on the forms of rebuilding
Snappy Deadspin column

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At 3/05/2008 2:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't get why LSD is on the same list as cocaine, meth, heroin, and pills pills pills. Not as an ethical consideration, but an aesthetic one.

And if Luke Walton weren't in the league, I do wonder if there are any lysergically optimized personnel in the NBA. I've heard Channing Frye is a 'weird dude', but nothing to confirm that.

At 3/05/2008 2:22 PM, Blogger Bret LaGree said...

Please let the Birdman succeed where Julian Wright has thus far failed and make Ryan Bowen to wear a suit at the arena most every night.

At 3/05/2008 4:27 PM, Blogger goathair said...


You obviously forgot about Scot Pollard. Not that that's too hard to do.

At 3/05/2008 4:35 PM, Blogger Kaifa said...

Shoals, not to sound like a certain ESPN columnist, but may I suggest the additional category "Isiah Thomas"?

Tredecimal, Frye has a blog (http://www.channingfrye.com/blog/) that's kind of funny, him supporting the "Keep Portland Weird" campaign and addressing his younger brother like this:

On the subject of my brother, I have mixed emotions because here I thought that he would see that the University of Arizona is the greatest college in the history of colleges and go there — that he would continue the legacy.

But this lone wolf has to be different and he took his fat head to Michigan – the cold, terrible, frozen tundra of Michcigan. On the other hand, he is a nerd to a brainiac so I guess it’s sort of a good school for that. Not the best school ever like UofA, but maybe it comes in a close 45th because UofA takes up the top 44 places as the best school ever. So, congrats, Logan, on being accepted into igloo school.

At 3/05/2008 5:04 PM, Blogger Amphibian said...

The comments are an essential part of this site, but I refuse to read a post with over 90 comments - especially when it's got the word "Kobe" in it.

Best player or not, he's certainly the most divisive.

Word Verification - krvbk: 'kay, to RV and back?

At 3/05/2008 5:07 PM, Blogger MC Welk said...

Really enjoyed the external columns today; you're able to see beyond the tunnel despite the carpals, but a second Andy Rooney poster outside of the loo?

At 3/05/2008 5:10 PM, Blogger stopmikelupica said...

Yeah, only Kobe could bring FD 100 comments. The most un-FD topic.

Kaifa: Isiah Thomas is a drug now? Must be a depressant.

I thought it was pretty much a standard assumption that the Birdman was on some crystal meth ish, no? Add Joe Kim Noah to the list of potential "weird drug users".

-KG takes uppers.
-Iverson takes sherm.
-The Knicks need Riddlim.

At 3/05/2008 5:24 PM, Blogger goathair said...

I don't see how Boozer isn't on some sort of PED.

At 3/05/2008 7:11 PM, Blogger Tom said...

- Kobe does Rogaine
- Battier drinks Sparks
- Yi snorts Ram Dong

At 3/05/2008 7:46 PM, Blogger Kaifa said...

SML, I should have been more clear, I meant Isiah Thomas as his own distinct category of rebuilding.

And I assume Boozer inherited Malone's locker and just took whatever the Mailman left in his pill drawer.

Caron Butler does the Dew.

wv: nynysup = New York, New York, Spike uses painkillers

At 3/05/2008 7:52 PM, Blogger T. said...

McGrady - sippin' syzzurp. Purp. That styrofoam cup!

At 3/05/2008 11:24 PM, Blogger Amphibian said...

Anyone know how good the Jazz medical staff is? I've heard a bunch about the Suns and Pistons, but not much about the rest of the Lig.

The impetus for my question: AK-47's out for a while with a right hip.

lzhrfr - LaZy High-aRcing Boozer shot Falls short for Rebound.

At 3/06/2008 12:33 AM, Blogger Louie Bones said...

This just in: Nuggets are the new Warriors. Watch out Lakers!

At 3/06/2008 12:39 AM, Blogger Ravi said...

It's really difficult to watch Phoenix now.

I'm still shocked that there's a legit possibility that they might not even make the playoffs...it all ended so fast.

At 3/06/2008 2:02 AM, Blogger Caleb Tyler Adam said...


the headline on Yahoo! Sports NBA right now is "Bright Lights, Big 50"

At 3/06/2008 11:39 AM, Blogger Marcus said...

How can you diss comparing players? Just how snottily superior do you feel to the great timeless flow of barroom sports conversation?

And what is this only comparing teams stuff? Yeah, back in your day at the YMCA it was only ever about the team. Not like those ghetto negroes today with their Sportscenter highlights.

Nice game from Lebron last night.

At 3/06/2008 11:42 AM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

Wait, are you calling me old-fashioned or an avant-snob? I NEED TO KNOW.

At 3/06/2008 5:25 PM, Blogger Marcus said...

I'm reserving judgement, which allows me a larger stock of potential insults. There is also such a thing as a conservative snob, although that feels more European-aristocratic than American.

Also, anyone remember Dock Ellis and his LSD-fueled no hitter? It would be fascinating to see someone play an entire NBA game tripping.

At 4/13/2009 3:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...




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