5.30.2008

A Cleansing Agent



Okay motherfuckers, you want integrity? Here's a low quality video of a commercial where Artis Gilmore takes on a team of tow-haired pre-teens, crushes them, and is subsequently humbled by some sort of giant metal box. Shades of the Pats and the soda machine (awesome!) and the commercial where Kobe blocked the chubby ten year-old (pasta!). In the interest of not endorsing the establishment or evoking anymore of the Beast than I already have, I have not included links for those over-exposed ads I mention.

And yeah, the quality is shit. But the Dead Sea Scrolls came to us in shambles, and they sparked an entire decade's worth of History Channel programming. So you choose what side you want to be on.

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18 Comments:

At 5/30/2008 12:56 PM, Blogger jawaan oldham said...

Even more humbling was that it was a NON-metallic box . . . poor Artis, vexed by devious white midgets with shady connections to industry . . .

Artis Gilmore actually used to be one of my favorite players when I was a little kid, due in part to Zander Hollander's yearly Pro Basketball Handbook, which always went off on these Catskillsesque riffs about how slow Artis was. I miss those Handbooks.

 
At 5/30/2008 1:05 PM, Blogger Christopher said...

I remeber hearing after Cuck left Philly that it was partly because he and AG couldn't co exist and the Philly brass had labeled Gilmore "untouchable". That worked out pretty well for them...

 
At 5/30/2008 2:02 PM, Blogger Jerry Vinokurov said...

I believe this is one of the most hilarious things I've seen in recent weeks.

 
At 5/30/2008 3:53 PM, Blogger Rocco Chappelle said...

Chris,

I think you're talking about Armon Gilliam.

 
At 5/30/2008 4:02 PM, Blogger salt_bagel said...

I think if the internet could get Alzheimer's, this is what it would look like.

 
At 5/30/2008 4:48 PM, Blogger Kaifa said...

Nice find.

First I had my mood ruined by this ridiculous Whitlock article on tatoos in the NBA(http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/8187914) and the response that could only partially make up for it (http://www.inkedmag.com/*/open_letter/). And now the new entries to the previous post just pushed me over the edge and out of that comments section.

I'll just say that I'll gladly watch the series with intriguing basketball that tells a story of positive development rather than the one that tells of decline (Boston) or lack of focus (Detroit) and needs a facade of Greek mythology so I can talk myself into it. I love grand narratives as much as the next guy, but if it isn't on the court, than it just isn't.

I did want to throw a rambling thought out here and get this communities' take on it. While we often talk about the influence of the star players' personality, couldn't we also consider the influence a coach's personality has on the teams' style of play?

I mean, last year's Warriors did play "Don Nelson", right? His Mavericks also played "Don Nelson", but the less alcoholic and less not-giving-a-damn version.

The Spurs definitely always play "Popovich", the Lakers do play "Phil Jackson". I feel similar to Shoals in that the Chicago Phil Jackson was less interesting to me than today's version, as was the Jordan/Bulls version of the triangle offense that relied more on isos (MJ's greatness notwithstanding).

On the other hand, there's quite a dissonance between how the Raptors play and Sam Mitchell's essence, whereas MacMillan as a similar type works with the Blazers.

Or maybe it's as simple as the coach's personality manifesting in the offense he runs - or maybe even more simple, my bad mood getting the best of me.

 
At 5/30/2008 5:33 PM, Blogger Mother Father Chinese Dentist said...

there will be a lot of opportunities to see how much of an effect coaches have this coming season, with the relocation of d'antoni, avery, skiles etc.

are there any coaching situations where you think a new coach could get more out of a certain set of players? i feel like the nuggets would be on that list, and the raptors as well. also w/r/t some of the recent hires: how do you think larry brown will affect someone like gerald wallace?

 
At 5/30/2008 5:37 PM, Blogger Folkhero said...

Here is a version of the video that isn't quite as shoddy: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5945848048698755910&hl=en

 
At 5/30/2008 5:48 PM, Blogger salt_bagel said...

I can see what you're saying, but some of that has to do with how the team is built, too. It's not too huge of a step to say that a coach's preferred style of play is an extension of his personality.

An interesting thing to me is that all of these strict-style coaches you mention are considered "good", but conversely, if you cold asked people, most would say that the mark of a good coach is to adjust to the type of players given to him. Well, it turns out that that's not it at all, at least in my eyes. To me, the mark of a good coach should be someone smart, an innovator. Some of the successful coaches count, and others don't. It's a tyranny of winners, and some of the winners are actually just lucky.

Also, Phil Jackson is a whole different cat. Maybe I have a soft spot for Zen platitudes, but he seems to be getting things out of players that micromanagers don't get. I would not laugh if you called him the best coach in any pro sport. He put Rodman's psyche into a workable form for three years. Phil's style is non-style. Judging by commentary he's made in the past, I'd expect him to say that his teams play "Tex Winter," and that all he does is ask the players to play instinctively and do what they were trained to do. People that think he rides stars' coattails are so wrong.

 
At 5/30/2008 10:11 PM, Blogger Fredrik deBoer said...

Supposedly my dad gave Artis Gilmore a cigarette at a concert in London by George Harrison and Bob Marley in the mid-70s.

But then he once told me his father invented the polygraph, so who knows.

 
At 5/30/2008 10:50 PM, Blogger Carter Blanchard said...

So much for conspiracy theories. That 4-point-play turned offensive foul was one of the stranger things I've seen. Isn't that exactly the reason Barry didn't get the call? Because he didn't embrace the contact? How do you get an offensive foul while shooting a 3?

 
At 5/31/2008 12:26 AM, Blogger Amphibian said...

I scrolled down and lo, there were 95 comments on the next post and I did say to myself "Someone started a Kobe discussion."

I think Recluse was right: fascination, not likability, is what I'm looking for in the NBA these days.

WV - zffyftc: How best to describe Julian Wright's game.

 
At 5/31/2008 4:45 PM, Blogger Tom said...

Will the FD community ever be happy with a Finals matchup?

It seems to me that any team that reaches this point has become the "establishment" to some extent, and will dissapoint the Liberated Fandom ideal. Look at what we have before us: Kobe has reached the absolute apex of his powers. KG, one of the most beloved figures in the history of this blog, has finally reached the ultimate stage. Both teams are filled with schizophrenic role players that look like all stars twice a week, and D leaguers most other nights. The Lakers employ a coach far more interested in psychology than the Right Way, while the Celtics have openly made a mockery of the importance of a coach at all.

I get the Masshole hatred. And I've noted myself how KG seems to have changed this year. And no one has more disdain for the easy story line (it's the 80s all over again!!!). BUT WHY AREN'T WE MORE EXCITED?

The tyranny of the overmatched East versus the life-draining whining ad dirty play of the Spurs has been lifted! Bean Mofoin Thousand's coronation! Pau Gasol and Kendrick Perkins are about to be a key matcup in the NBA Finals! KG is still KG, damn it!

I've been reading this blog faithfully for over four years, and will continue to do so for the brilliant writing alone. But I will be extremely disappointed if I have to conclude that "Free Darko" is nothing more than being a basketball hipster- liking "underground" teams and players, and then turning your back on them the minute they start to have big time success.

 
At 5/31/2008 8:00 PM, Blogger Steve S. said...

Maybe not liking the finals is essential to FD -- never being satisfied with the results and always pushing towards something better. Permanent revolution.

 
At 5/31/2008 11:35 PM, Blogger stopmikelupica said...

Nice find. Send a search party to Toronto - Skeets must be trapped under a stack of newspapers in his garage... otherwise, how does anyone, even Shoals, beat him to this video find?!?

Some bizarre old school infomericial.

 
At 6/01/2008 7:10 AM, Blogger W said...

Tom, I'm with you. The Finals should be great, from the perspective of both basketball and narrative. Let's leave the whiny hipster posturing to Pitchfork and enjoy what we have in front of ourselves.

 
At 6/01/2008 9:40 AM, Blogger Chris said...

put Artis in the HOF, dammit

 
At 6/01/2008 7:48 PM, Blogger Chris said...

WHO CARES...the NBA is fixed! J/K, i look forward to the finals.

signed,
www.zyoose.com

 

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