6.24.2009

You've Got The Look!

I always thought these things came out after the draft, but here these are. Okay, so maybe they always come out beforehand; perhaps I didn't notice until this year because so much is unsettled, so many players looking to define themselves amidst the din, that such images matter more than usual. Anyway, here's my cursory do/don't take on these, with apologies to Billups:



For someone so gangly on the court, Thabeet, unlike most seven-footers, sure knows how to look natural in the suit. He also has a face that looks like it could be put on a normal-sized person, a big plus when it comes to centers seeming human. The guy even shrugs and grins naturally, effortlessly, in a way that puts you at ease. This is wholesome point guard territory, not the usual awkward weirdo introvert.Counterbalance all that on-court scouting, now no one will whisper when he goes top three. For hell's sake, what other big man can drape a sweater over his shoulders without looking like a demonic scarecrow?

rubio

Everyone else is trying to tell us who they are, or really are, or want us to think they really are, with these shots. Ricky Ricky could give a fuck less about that. This is all about "how will I like in a fashion shoot" or "am I paparazzi worthy," maybe even "imagine this billboard over Times Square." Because see, Rubio isn't a person, he's an icon, a cute little sensation waiting to, however briefly, make an NBA city feel like it's the center of the basketball world. If that ugly-ass dude who is always on the Clippers could bag a model, imagine what kind of arm-candy this guy will come up with? You other kids get sneaker contracts; he's busy moving Armani.

57764018

Life is all about stark contrasts. Here's Rubio's arch-rival, humorless, smile-less, and without frivolity, dressed up just enough to show you he knows he, dressed down to show you he will roll up those sleeves and get to work. That expression says STRICTLY BUSINESS, and he's even hiding the ball in a non-flamboyant way. "My name is Brandon, and I control the rock." This shot also makes you believe he's just a weird-looking dude, not a teen still growing into his face. It's all gaze, no market, just the portrait of a player who wants respect. Which is overdoing it, of course, since this shit about him falling to #20 is just a Masonic conspiracy.

57764226

They say Jrue Holiday isn't ready. They say he only looks good on paper. The answer? Make him look a very sensitive golem emerging from a long lunch break in the void of un-being. I hope that's a satisfactory explanation.



Jordan Hill is just trying to figure it all out.

57763856

You know the ultimate mark of either a very young athlete or a total mama's boy? When they can't rock an outfit without looking like someone else picked it out for them. It also doesn't help that DeRozan, who is going to get drafted based on athleticism, looks like he's running for student body president of Dead Person University. No color? No expression but that wan grin? I don't even believe this guy can move. Or maybe I'm reading it all wrong, and that's the point: Seriousness and composure, to preempt all the "jump out the gym" talk. Even something resembling a wrap-around pass. Hidden secrets. Unknown pleasures. Whatever the last Joy Division album is called.

curry

First of all, I own that same outfit. But not the socks. I like the socks, and think that's the next frontier of NBA fashion. That said, Curry looks perfectly comfortable and convincing until you get to the point of contact between his hand and the ball. NOT A GOOD SIGN. If he's going to be anything more than a friendly catch-and-shoot fella, he could at least look like he sometimes takes the ball out at night and does tricks in front of the mirror. . . in that outfit. That's what the people want.

hansbrough

Does Hansbrough mean to be wearing exactly what Adam Morrison rocked in 2006?

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27 Comments:

At 6/24/2009 4:03 PM, Blogger JohnCraig said...

Jennings is too FD to function.

Hansbrough's pic should be filed under 'needs improvement' in his scouting report.

 
At 6/24/2009 4:12 PM, Blogger Eli Gunn-Jones said...

Does Hansbrough subscribe to the "pleats are so lame they're bound to be considered hip sooner or later" theory?

Or is his stylist making a well-timed, cruel joke?

 
At 6/24/2009 4:24 PM, Blogger Deckfight said...

seriously, did someone give curry a beachball painted like a basketball? it's bigger than his head, way bigger.

 
At 6/24/2009 4:54 PM, Blogger BPH said...

So you're suggesting the B & E was a three-man job?

Also, do similar pictures of the professorial Harden exist anywhere?

 
At 6/24/2009 4:55 PM, Blogger Dan said...

Before these dudes have million-dollar contracts thrown in their faces, they need to learn some sartorial basics, like no wearing white crew-neck undershirts beneath your dress shirt unless you work in IT.

 
At 6/24/2009 4:59 PM, Blogger Jeff Fox said...

Thabeet looks like he could star as Zack in the African version of Saved By The Bell.

Hansbrough looks like he can (and will) eat your children.


www.hoopsmanifesto.blogspot.com

 
At 6/24/2009 5:16 PM, Blogger Joey said...

Now I *really* don't want Curry on the Knicks--we have no use for paid escorts. Especially after the whole Marbury era.

 
At 6/24/2009 5:22 PM, Blogger Michael said...

This picture of Hansborough will live on to haunt him in the worst way possible.

 
At 6/24/2009 5:46 PM, Blogger MC Welk said...

Harden blew off media day, unlike Daye.

wv: potensu = backward upside potential and/or NBA nepotism a la Gerald and the Hendersons

 
At 6/24/2009 5:58 PM, Blogger Christopher said...

Thabeets' pic is clearly the most GQ-worthy.
Jennings' has the most drama, and is probably the most interesting to me atleast.
Ricky's is meh.
Jrue's is awful.
Jordan Hill sorta looks like a retarded lion.
Demar's pic is pure JC Penny.
Stephen STILL looks 15.
And honestly, Hansborough looks like an actual athelete. Even with the pleats.

 
At 6/24/2009 6:46 PM, Blogger djturtleface said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 6/24/2009 6:48 PM, Blogger djturtleface said...

Ricky Rubio is a fuckin' Jonas brother...Ignoranted

I rarely disagree with anything here so whole deeply, but you say he isn't trying to tell us who he is or wants us to think he is? Impossible. This kid couldn't be trying any harder to sell himself as the wholesome, fun-loving Spaniard next door. His arm candy is going to be Hannah Montana and he won't be moving Armani, he'll be moving J Crew. Everything about this kid is pure bubblegum pop, and we all know that there is nothing more contrived than the idea of a bubblegum pro basketball career. Well we might not all know, but Dwight Howard does. Rubio couldn't be more planned or more fake, which unsurprisingly fits his game.

Sadly that makes him nearly as "FD" to me as Jennings, albeit in opposite ways.

 
At 6/24/2009 7:40 PM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

I am saying that Rubio isn't REALLY anything, at least not as far as scouts and the public are concerned, and that's how he and his people want it. That pic is about celebrity, not his inner soul.

 
At 6/24/2009 7:45 PM, Blogger Headsigh said...

.. And here's Thabeet, moments before he tore off his shirt, screamed "SACRIFICES" at the top of his lungs and ate the photographer.

 
At 6/24/2009 7:50 PM, Blogger goathair said...

Curry is holding the ball like a shooter, all fingertips.

If you look at the full body Jennings picture he looks like an 8th grader dressed up for a dance. Way out of his league.

 
At 6/24/2009 8:16 PM, Blogger Scondren said...

Its interesting that Hasheem is the only one without a ball...something to do with him picking the game up so late? Or is that just too obvious?

 
At 6/24/2009 8:18 PM, Blogger djturtleface said...

I think I see his inner soul and his celebrity as the same thing, partly because of how his self is so based upon a new age sort of celebrity.

Also Rubio is strange because some of his biggest hype articles have been unbelievably targeted. As a result I might be biased because the most recent Rubio feature I've read is this:

http://vault.sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1155942/1/index.htm

 
At 6/24/2009 8:21 PM, Blogger Tom said...

Holy hell. "SACRIFICES." Too good.

Jrue Holiday looks positively servile. That's the crying smile of a domestic violence victim. Does not bode well.

From Hansbrough, I'm getting the same overwhelming I-drink-eight-glasses-of-milk-a-day vibe I get from Tim Tebow.

 
At 6/24/2009 10:40 PM, Blogger salt_bagel said...

Where do these t-shirts come from that ride all the way up to your larynx?

And if you stare at it long enough, DeRozan's basketball and left arm look like they aren't part of his body, but are instead some prosthetic instrument, like the fake bird head they use to feed baby vultures.

 
At 6/24/2009 11:46 PM, Blogger Pope John Wall said...

I'm trying to decide whether Rubio looks completely retarded in that picture, and its proximity to tthe Thabeet photo isn't doing it any favors. I'm not getting the red carpet vibe some of you seem to be. The suit is money, but the clothes are most definitely wearing the manchild.

 
At 6/24/2009 11:47 PM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

I didn't say he pulled it off. . . just that it's a different kind of audition than, say, Jennings has to do.

 
At 6/25/2009 9:08 AM, Blogger Alexander J said...

Who are the AD WIZARDS THAT CAME UP WITH THIS ONE? Seinfeld impressions aside, that new Wale mixtape is intriguing because it makes the metaphor of a jump from TV to feature length films, an intriguing statement from an artistic perspective.

What does Jrue Holiday have to do to be loved? I think so far he is the anti-Ronnie Brewer (jr.?).

What about Omar Cassipi's photo shoot? No stock footage of jon lovitz as Harry Channukah? Hebrew Hammer spot where they can peddle highlight footage of Macabbi Tel Aviv winning EUROLEAGUE championships.

This somehow all relates to South Africa's conference cup. I think Pynchon, Octopus Grigori and all his minor, relatively expendable characters, would be happy to see such a confluence of worldwide factors all intersecting through Hasheem Thabeet's silly songs.

 
At 6/25/2009 11:27 AM, Blogger jochbe said...

Hansbrough looks like an actual athlete? He looks like that db who tore you apart in high school games, and who you fervently hope gets his ass handed to him when he actually plays against someone good...

It has been a hard four years, but men of southern MO, your long-deferred dream is about to come true...

 
At 6/25/2009 2:06 PM, Blogger Tony Ritz said...

Re, Jrue: So that's what the lovechild of Dave Chappelle and Luol Deng would look like in a collared shirt.

 
At 6/25/2009 5:18 PM, Blogger Travis said...

Awful, awful stuff. Why, why Mr. Stern?

 
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