6.23.2010

FreeDrafto Eats Bugs: 2010 Mock Drafting Position Paper

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This one is all-human, all the time, but it's so much more necessary than the one with lizard birds. No one knows where this draft is headed. You heard Clinton say it this morning: When the war has left all peoples dirty and confused, it's time to look skyward. So we did, and this mock revealed itself. Participants: Eric Freeman (Ty Keenan), Brown Recluse, Esq., Tom Ziller, and myself (Shoals)....with a special cameo appearance from Joey!

1. Wizards- John Wall

It is not without reservations that the Wizards make this selection. The only other time two prospects as hugely-hyped as Wall and Strasburg showed up in the same market this close together? That would be Ewing and Gooden in New York. The last time our nation's capitol welcomed one? I'm thinking Barack Hussein Obama. The Wiz are getting either the NBA's answer to Doc Gooden or the sport's very own terrorist Jimmy Carter. Throw a returning Gilbert Arenas into the mix, and you can see how tragic downfall is practically in the cards here. Good thing Washington is also an Illuminati hot spot, and Wall (along with pal LeBron and Z.O.G.-ster Drake) a card-carrying member, so some conspiracy of other will make sure things go the right way. (BS)

2. Sixers - Derrick Favors

Here are Marreese Speights's stats for his last five games in 2010.

4 points, 2 rebounds, 0 blocks

4 points, 5 rebounds, 1 block

22 points, 5 rebounds, 1 block

4 points, 1 rebound, 0 blocks

23 points, 8 rebounds, 2 blocks

This is not what is typically considered consistent post play. Elton Brand may be fully healthy again, but he turns 32 during next season. Spencer Hawes is not the answer. With Idguodala and Thad Young on the wing, there's just not a huge need for Evan Turner. I know you don't draft for need at the #2 spot, but Favors is looking like one of the best young post players to come along in the past decade. Not even Doug Collins could screw this up. (BRE)

3. Nets - Evan Turner


Thorn figures that Devin Harris can vacillate between boring and All-Star from night to night, he needs a constant firebrand in the backcourt with him. When Harris is on, it's time for the Nets to milk him for the win. When Harris is asleep, let Turner try to make magic. It won't always work -- conflagrations are always one breeze away from out-of-control -- but it's a better chance than, say, Courtney Lee gave them. (TZ)

4. Timberwolves - Al-Farouq Aminu

Yes, I know, point guards, David Kahn, Ricky Rubio, insanity all around. But while last year's draft focused on a single position, Kahn's real m.o. has been to take supposedly nice guys and antagonize them to the point of hostility. Enter Aminu, an enigmatic scorer whose Twitter account depicts him as a misogynistic jerk whose idea of a confession involves telling people he likes to draw. He is difficult to handle both on and off the court, for friend and foe alike. He's the opposite of Minnesota Nice and the perfect expression of Kahn's id. (EF)

5. Kings - DeMarcus Cousins

With the trade for Samuel Dalembert and several other big men already in town, the Kings can take Cousins and let him ease into a starring role while not carrying the weight of a downtrodden franchise's expectations. But enough about basketball -- the real story here is off the court. Unbeknownst to most, Sean May, Donte Greene, and Jason Thompson have created the league's preeminent comedy trio, a basketball version of the Three Stooges where most of the jokes involving saying "pause" and making silly viral videos. Cousins isn't the funniest man around, but the Sacramento trio can teach him a few things about lightening up and taking things in stride. That might not seem like the best thing for someone with a reputation for not taking his conditioning seriously, but there's no proof that being silly in the locker room carries over to the hardwood. This light atmosphere could be just what Cousins needs. (EF)

ex-best-friend

6. Warriors - Latavious Williams


Kelenna Azubuike-Reggie Williams-Latavious Williams, the Holy D-League Trinity! Latavious has more pro experience than any rookie but the Kentucky products, and it'll show as Williams runs out to a brief lead in the R.O.Y. horse race. The real clincher is that last year, Larry Riley learned you can draft a player who is both productive and sane. While Latavious might be a slight stretch at No. 6, the Warriors can't be too sure about the other prospects on the board in terms of friendliness. There are no Corey Brewers left in 2010. (TZ)

7. Pistons - Avery Bradley

A 6'3" defensive minded combo guard who can score when he needs to? Sound like anyone we know? All players turned executives are narcissists, and that includes even the stoic Joe D. He will not be able to pass up the opportunity to draft a player who seems practically molded in his image, even though the Pistons do need a big man more than they need another guard. Pairing Bradley with Rodney Stuckey would give the Pistons a versatile backcourt with two players who can handle, pass, score, and play defense. It's really too bad they paid Ben Gordon all that money last year.... (BRE)

8. Clippers - Eric Bledsoe

Outside of Wall, this draft belongs to big men, or small forwards who play like big men, or big men who probably will end up small forwards, or centers we keep forgetting to call that. It's all just too weird. How about a good old-fashioned run on tweener guards to settle our collective stomach? Bledsoe came to Kentucky a point guard before Wall intervened, so it's not like he's coming for Eric Gordon's position. That dude was in last year's televised Dunk-In. He's as good as gold. If Bledsoe can revive his PG chops, then maybe Baron Davis's annual injury will come a little early this year, the Clips will be starting Bledsoe, Gordon, Outlaw, Griffin, and Kaman. They'll be printing up "Eric Squared: Mathematically Aware" shirts, become the new Warriors (with Baron transitioning to assistant coach), the new old Clippers, and best of all, enter the summer with room for eight max deals that will never happen. (BS)

9. Jazz - Patrick Patterson

I want someone to tell me why Patterson doesn't garner David West comparisons, or why I can't stop thinking that he, not Deval Patrick, is the son of a longtime Arkestra member. Sloan in his old age has taken to seeing double in the post, and before Pat Pat got his range on, he was more Millsap than Boozer. Now imagine twin Millsaps, just with one of them gone to finishing school, stretching the floor more than Carlos ever could, and having played babysitter already for a young O.J. Mayo and DeMarcus Cousins. Boozer and his back tattoo can burn in Miami like he never happened. Best of all, there's a great Nike web ad waiting to be made that brings in the other great Pat Pattersons: the legendary fast-bowler, the Canadian wrestler, some baseball player, and a duo of Southern pols. (BS)

10. Pacers - Gordon Hayward

The Pacers are on a quest to become a bizarro version of the '07 Hawks, with the same mix of versatile 6'9" guys, given a generous coat of whitewash. Throw Granger, Dunleavy, Jr., and Hayward out on the court together, and distinctions among positions melt away. Who's the small forward, who's the shooting guard? Who cares? We're playing basketball here, guys! It goes without saying that Hayward's a hometown hero straight out of Hoosiers, and he should have the opposite effect on Indy ticket sales than Stephen Jackson did. (BRE)

11. Hornets - Ryan Richards

It's little known that British Petroleum has taken over the Hornets front office to go with the rest of Gulf Coast, or is at least that team's best hope for financial solvency next season and thus has a seat at the table. The United Kingdom needs some rollicking good press to get a berth in the 2012 Olympic tournament in London, and Chris Paul is the ticket. Richards hails from Britain and could be the next springy forward to throw down a succession of CP3's alley-oops. Of course, 10 or 20 forwards and centers on the board could do it better than Richards, who is more a Channing Frye than a Tyson Chandler. But that's why BP took over! If you want something done in a very specific but wrong way, you've got to do it yourself. (TZ)

12. Grizzlies - Ekpe Udoh

Pity the Memphis frontcourt. Marc Gasol, in all his burly bearness, has become one of the most promising young centers in the league, but no one knows just how good he is because the Grizzlies often didn't even registered on League Pass this year. Zach Randolph made an All-Star team, and now all people can talk about is the fact that he's a major marijuana kingpin in Indianapolis, which is at least a better option in a dull city than meth. What they and the rest of the team need is a live wire, someone who can attract attention even as he doesn't necessarily steal minutes. Udoh, a shot-blocker extraordinaire with less-than-graceful offensive skills, can be exactly that. (EF)

13. Raptors - Ed Davis

It is commonly accepted these days that Chris Bosh will not play in Toronto next season. As such, the Raptors may feel the need to try to replace him in this draft, even though you can't find a player of this caliber at No. 13. Unfortunately for Toronto, Ed Davis has too much in common with Bosh for them to pass him up. He's tall, thin, and left-handed, all things that helped define Bosh. Of course, he was also a notorious underachiever at North Carolina who's almost all hype and possibly even less polished than Brandan Wright, the Tar Heels' last supposed Bosh clone. I don't expect a team to pass up on the spitting image of their last franchise player. So let Davis stand as a lesson to any team who is tempted by these similarities in the future. The past is no safe place to dwell. (EF)

clara-africa06.1153923300.dsc01214

14. Rockets - Luke Harangody

Harangody's stats are off the charts, and Houston's never been afraid of an undersized player. Big-school talisman has never been Morey's M.O., but you need to push back against the myth now and then just to keep the myth growing. Or in other words, if Morey always picked a guard like Aaron Brooks or an ironic athlete like Chase Budinger, observers would start expecting the GM to always look to cull players who have fallen too far. Harangody is the exact opposite. It's like reaching up into the clouds and coming down with a handful of quartz. (TZ)

15. Bucks - Luke Babbitt

If Luke Babbitt hasn't read the satirical Sinclair Lewis novel that bears his name, he better get started. Even though it was written almost a century ago, it'll give Young Luke a good idea of where he's headed in Milwaukee. Middle of America, middle of the Eastern Conference, middle of the first round of the draft. On the court, the Bucks badly need a scoring forward, and Babbitt's one of the best available. He would be a big upgrade on Carlos Delfino or Luc Mbah a Moute, and he's certainly a more dynamic scorer. Plus, it would give Luke Ridnour another guy named Luke to hang out with. (BRE)

16. Timberwolves - Xavier Henry

The Triangle needs shooters and post passers to live. Rambis refuses to acknowledge the existence of Kevin Love. No one else on the team fits either of these bills. Ergo, Henry is the new franchise player. (BS)

17. Bulls - Greg Monroe

Chicago would love to see Monroe fall this far, especially when he's projected to go as high as fifth. I like the nickname "Quiet Storm" for this guy, and he'll go well with Joakim "Act a Fool" Noah up front. And, since Rose can't move the ball for shit, it'll help tremendously to get a big man with Monroe's playmaking abilities. The best part, though, is that finally this "LeBron should go to Chicago, it's not a blank slate, there's talent there" argument isn't the stupidest thing in the world or dependent on blind faith in Taj Gibson. Did you hear that, writers, pundits, columnists who look weird with full bodies, website and billboard proprietors, and robots designed to do laundry? THE BULLS WILL HAVE A YOUNG NUCLEUS. Monroe must go to Chicago, so that these past ills will be repaired, and a large percentage of people into basketball can, at least to history, not have appeared to have been totally fucking stupid. (BS)

18. Heat - Wesley Johnson

The slide of the draft! Johnson immediately becomes a factor in the 2010 free agent wars, giving Wade his much-needed running mate on the wing, the Pippen to his Jordan. Game-wise, Johnson is probably closer to Shawn Marion than Pippen, with his superior athleticism and strong rebounding from the wing position. He's clearly one of the best all-around talents in the draft and with four years (including the redshirt year) of college ball under his belt, also one of the most experienced. Truth be told, that's probably why he slid this far. At almost 23 years of age, Johnson is more than a year older than Kevin Durant and Derrick Rose and four years older than Derrick Favors. (BRE)

19. Celtics - Hassan Whiteside

The word on Hassan is that he's not terribly bright. As soon as Ray Allen leaves in free agency, the remaining stars of the Celtics will have a similar stigma attached. You can be brilliant on the court but light in the pocket protector, and the success of Garnett, Perkins and Rondo speaks to that. Is that a reason for Danny Ainge to take a chance on Whiteside? If not, his disarming sartorial taste is. (TZ)

20. Spurs - Tibor Pleiss

The idea of the Spurs taking a foreign guy no one's heard of is a cliche at this point, but this time there's a purpose beyond getting a solid player. Anyone who watched the Spurs this year saw an old team getting by on the strength of their dwindling talent and good old-fashioned veteran know-how. The mystique is fading, and when that happens, sometimes you have to resort to smoke and mirrors. Pleiss is an odd prospect who probably shouldn't even be in the draft -- he's only been a contributor for about a year and is a strong rebounder still more renowned for his mobility and 7-0 height. But his on-court skills are honestly insignificant to this pick. When R.C. Buford picks Pleiss, he'll make it clear that these are the same Spurs up to their old tricks. If you refuse to acknowledge the decline, it does not exist. (EF)

21. Thunder - Larry Sanders

Behold, the man whose launched a thousand internet jokes. There's the HBO show of the same name, still the best comedy the channel has ever produced, and even Larry Saunders, obscure 70s soul singer. Sanders is sure to be a hit all over the blogs, so there's no better team for him to join than the favorite squad of everyone who ever bought a ticket for Blogs with Balls. It's a match made in heaven. Hey now! (EF)



22. Trailblazers - Sylven Landesburg

Kevin Pritchard needs one last chest-beating "conquest" on his way out, so he takes Landesburg, an American-born kid who played at Virginia but still can be a Euro stash for a year or two, thanks to an Israeli passort. You'd expect Pritchard, with a pretty full roster, to pick a cat like Kevin Seraphin. But Landesburg is more of a sleeper, and thus a victory for the legacy of the Pritchslap. (TZ)

23. Timberwolves - Devin Ebanks

The Lakers won a title with two enigmatic, frustrating, captivating heart-breakers from Queens, and that's the model Rambis is working off of. So naturally, he take Ebanks. (Joey)

24. Hawks - Paul George


His name isn't real. The man is barely real. You cannot find him with Google or telepathy. What kind of real human being grows up a Clippers fan, unless they're Andre Miller, who has spent his whole life auditioning for the role of animated sitcom? This is some Bourne Identity shit, and between now and the time you finish this sentence, George may very well have jumped up into the number two spot, impregnated the owner of that team's wife, and fallen back here for that. Oh, and he's long, athletic, multi-skilled, and either lazy, homey, laidback, or hard to read. He's in the fine tradition of Joe Johnson, whom he'll replace, and maybe even the rightful heir to T-Mac's "wolf in a rocking chair" fury of those first great Orlando years. But this too, might be a disguise. Paul George might be standing behind you as you read this, having needed just . . . one . . . more . . . sentence on here to load the dart gun and carry out his latest secret contract killing. Possible marketing campaign: Something Beatles-related that costs $75 million to license. (BS)

25. Grizzlies - Damion James

When I was at a UT game last season, I was stunned to find out that Damion Jones was still at Austin. No, I don't watch college ball, and I didn't stick around that university to finish my PhD. Fuck you, it's a touchy subject. This should have made me feel young, but instead, it made me feel really old. That's a good look for the Grizzlies. See, watch: This is going to be O.J. Mayo's third season in the league? Aren't you surprised? Don't you respect him more? Don't you feel worse about yourself, and thus less likely to trash the Grizz, more ready to give them their due? Jones is more than a big man. He's a talisman. (BS)

26. Thunder - Kevin Seraphin


In the Old Testament, a seraphim is an angel who protects the throne of God. Now, I'm not saying that Durant is God, but then again, I'm not saying he isn't. At any rate, he does need some protecting. As was painfully obvious during their series with the Lakers, the Thunder need more big bodies in the post. With Sanders at #21, they got length and with this pick they get bulk. At 6'9", 265 lbs, Seraphim is physically ready to get in an NBA game and bang some bodies right now. Oklahoma City might actually be the ideal place for Seraphin, since the team already has two French speakers of African descent in Thabo Sefolosha and Serge Ibaka. And I hear that Durant is a really friendly guy. (BRE)

27. Nets - Lance Stephenson


The Nets need a NYC-bred star on their roster before the move to Brooklyn, so the powers that be are willing to overlook that Stephenson is a walking ellipsis who may never start an NBA game, let alone an NBA All-Star Game. Whatever, at least Stephenson has a fellow (albeit vastly more skilled) traveller in Terrence Williams, and I have a suspicion Stephenson can chop it up with Yi Jianlian for days. Similar lives, Lance and Yi. (TZ)

28. Grizzlies - Elliot Williams


Williams is one of many prospects -- including No. 12 pick Ekpe Udoh -- to reject a workout offer in Memphis. I honestly have no idea why this is the case; they're not the most attractive team in the league, certainly, but prospects don't continually turn down invitations from the Clippers or Warriors. Williams was the oddest holdout considering that he's by no means a first-round lock and played his college ball for the Memphis Tigers. This is patently ridiculous, and he's the perfect target for the Grizzlies to take a stand, draft him, and show all future prospects that their pre-draft decisions are inconsequential. Take that, asshole. Now enjoy the end of the bench and your frequent guest spots on that Jason Lee cop show. (EF)

29. Magic - Cole Aldrich

Aldrich needs to go to Orlando for two reasons. First, he can act as the perfect straight man to Dwight Howard, who has had a difficult time playing off Marcin Gortat's arsenal of Polish jokes (he's reclaiming them!). Never fear with Aldrich, because his humor consists of pushing bagel dogs in and out of the bread and listening to old Jerky Boys cassettes. Oh, and he is also mute. Elsewhere, Aldrich will help fix the team's big man logjam by often being mistaken for Gortat. That way, whenever one of them enters the game, half the crowd will assume it's the other, creating a situation in which half the fanbase will think each gets regular minutes. It's a plan with the opportunity for zany misunderstandings and classic hijinx. It'll be the perfect inspiration for Dwight's first starring role in direct-to-DVD film. (EF)

30. Wizards - Daniel Orton


Wall would love to take Cousins to D.C. with him, but Orton will have to do. For the Wizards front office, it's just a rouse to make Andray Blatche look motivated by comparison. Little do they know it will backfire when Orton invokes the Myth of the Next DeAndre Jordan and dunks everything within six feet of the rim. (TZ)

sneezing

Guns_KidsO

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2 Comments:

At 6/23/2010 3:43 PM, Blogger Joey said...

The Lakers won a title with two enigmatic, frustrating, captivating heart-breakers from Queens, and that's the model Rambis is working off of. So naturally, he take Ebanks.

wv: bedhaut--come on.

 
At 3/22/2013 5:56 PM, Blogger Jim Philips said...

The woman with the machine gun doesn't look so badass. but I have to admit that some has that kind of thing and we have some at Host Pay Per Head community.

 

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