We crap with utensils

A week of FreeDarko on MySpace, a new gospel under the world's belt, and us precariously low on fan love. Answers were needed.

“To better understand those and those among us/may this speech speak for itself”

Dr. Lawyer IndianChief: so,
DLIC: ground rules
Bethlehem Shoals: no cursing
DLIC: someone puts up a link (we start with the ones on the list)
DLIC: then we discuss what the profile says about the player and talk about whether it's real or not
Brown Recluse, Esq.: why can't we curse?
BS: i almost bought two white kemp jerseys today for the seed

BS: i nominate the villanueva page.
BS: doesn't have a real url
BR: that's something to consider
BS: "a page like no other" indeed
BS: shit is barely a myspace
DLIC: i think that might make it more legit
DLIC: www.myspace.com/kinglebrizzlejizzle
BR: all these hoodrat girls think it's real enough
BS: it's total insecurity
BS: also he couldn't get away with being "the chosen one" on an official website
BS: it's almost like he's a kid pretending to have a star's website
BR: that dude jihad that posted the picture with ben gordon seems to be an actual friend of charlie v's
BS: the fact that he has all hot chicks has his top 8
BS: makes it more legit but far less legit, if you know what i mean
BS: like why would someone who had a site like this need to prove that
DLIC: i want to find a player's site that answer's yes/yes to the smoke/drink question
BS: or why couldn't he see that if you roll like this, you've got to not then jump up and yell "pussy"

DLIC: let's really eff with it
DLIC: http://www.myspace.com/andray
BR: horrible site design
BR: andray is our little lamb
DLIC: kid is clueless
BR: he brings the pain like method man
BS: but check his comments
BR: pain is pleasure
BS: all real
BS: kid was clearly the king of his planet
BS: but he ain't bynum, so it's still just locals
DLIC: what does it say that charlie v had all hot chicks in his top 8
DLIC: and andray has all dudes
DLIC: is that like, when you're six, you dont really like girls
DLIC: but once you're eight, you love girls?
BR: “you fuckin these sexy ass bitches now remember the bitches you use to fuck yuck!”
BS: i think it just shows that charlie has no friends
DLIC: that makes a lot of sense
DLIC: andray = high school = still has peers
BS: i stand by what i said last week
BS: villaneva is kind of satanic
BS: not just cause he's deformed
BR: not only does andray have all dudes, he has a shirtless dude named ASS & TITTIES ASS & TITTIES

DLIC: there is ONE andray profile
DLIC: and like a million andrew bynum profiles
BS: self-fulfilling prophecy
BS: bynum is the orignal myspace/nba savior
BS: deadspace, us, etc. shouted it out
BR: deadspace
BS: and now he's for some reason the player you'd make a fake profile of
BR: right, he's the poster boy for high school basketball stars with myspace pages
BR: blatche is super slept on in general
BR: he wasn't a micky d's all-american, i don't think
DLIC: he needs to play for the bobcats
BS: they wizards really like him
BS: i need an analogy
BS: for bynum
BS: it's like, if someone wanted to kill a politician, it would be another kennedy
BS: i honestly think that's why that asian guy killed BFK
BR: lol at that asian guy
BS: wait, what i meant was
BS: there's no reason to kill a politician
BS: like there's no reason to make a fake profile
BS: but with bynum, or kennedys,
BS: it's now what they exist for
BS: but to kill a politican or make a fake profile of an nba player

DLIC: http://www.myspace.com/andrew_bynum
DLIC: it has to be this profile
BR: he'd like to meet shaq??
BR: he sure did!!
BS: that might be a joke?
BS: we should tell will to start "deadspace"
DLIC: what is deadpsace?
BR: shaq elbowed the fuck out of him
BS: yeah but that baseline move was nice
BS: baby curry

DLIC: now go to the pics
BS: can we rename the blog "eddie griffin challange?"
BR: ha ha, eddie griffin challenge does have a different meaning
BR: he has an AAU tournament in philly
BR: tim thomas has a team, too
BR: lots of nba players fund teams
BS: francisco elson funiacs
DLIC: Sheed's seeds
BS: mobley's motherfuckers
DLIC: kobe's mobleys
BR: laughing of english as a foreign language
BS: gerald's heralds
BR: Gil’s pills
BS: jumaine jones' moans
DLIC: hahahahaha
DLIC: exactly

DLIC: why does bynum want to meet "lloyd banks"
BS: wtf
DLIC: is he trying to be underground?
DLIC: like, just say it
DLIC: you want to fucking meet 50
BS: lloyd banks would be a good g-uniter to know
BS: he gets into parties
BS: unlike yayo
BS: but still packs heat
BR: maybe he thought that lloyd banks gay porn rumor was for real
BS: mobley
BS: "eddie griffin lloyd banks/cat mobley in same room challenge"
DLIC: double dare

DLIC: think of this as intermission:
BS: this cat is my unborn child
DLIC: or is it just stupid to talk about profiles that are clearly fake
DLIC: thats true
BR: man, "i grew up FAST" really says it all
BS: i mean this actual cat
BS: not ebi
DLIC: hahaha
BS: see, i'm just dumb
BS: but i have a super low threshold for "real" on these
BS: like think how dumb athletes are
BS: and for some weird reason, only lebron has realized that he should have some of his people involved in maintaining his
BS: hello j.r. smith
BR: why is ebi's fake
DLIC: because he isnt from this country
BS: i don't know
DLIC: "elk groove, minnesota"
BS: that could just mean location
BS: you really assume he did it right?
DLIC: elk grove is a shitty town you always have to drive through on your way up north
BS: knowledge
BS: that comment inspired me to be the one who edits and post this
BS: for once

DLIC: ok
BS: peep the comments on ebi
BS: why would someone keep up that much insulting
BS: ebi's is making me about to cry
DLIC: ebi might be dead for all we know
BS: it''s like kwame with a brain stem
DLIC: that sounds like drugs
DLIC: drug slang
DLIC: "kwame with a brainstem'
BS: is kwame named after the new generation?
DLIC: better yet
DLIC: is he named for the biggie smalls lyric about kwame
DLIC: like thats how much he gets shit on
DLIC: his parents named him after a kwame diss

BS: do any nba players watch gray's anatomy?
BS: other than peja, who doesn't really get it
DLIC: not even paul shirley
BS: but thinks it might help him learn english
BS: or get chicks
DLIC: g.a. is whiter than white
BS: ebi is watching gray's with his teddy bear right now

DLIC: http://www.myspace.com/jrsmith23
DLIC: this shit is fucking fake
BS: dude was in the dunk contest
BS: but as silverbird put it
BS: "not every girl who comes across his page saw that dunk contest and it was his shining moment"
BS: then this brings up the whole thing with comments
BS: that know the site are fake but act as if they're real
BS: so like the person could find the fake and see it had become a virtual profile for them
DLIC: like thurl bailey

BS: how about the paul one?
DLIC: paul is real, right?
DLIC: 300 comments
DLIC: wait
DLIC: i'm taking that back
DLIC: chris paul is dissing reddick? shit is fucking fake

BR: are we getting anything worthwhile here?
BS: oh yeah
DLIC: no
DLIC: but when it's edited down
DLIC: you know he hit a parked car the other day?

BS: wait, is it weird that crawford is from the northwest?
DLIC: yes
DLIC: he probably likes matisyahu
BR: there are a lot of ballers from the pacific NW lately
BR: marvin williams, martell webster, nate rob
DLIC: http://www.myspace.com/martellwebster
DLIC: or http://www.myspace.com/martell8
DLIC: the second one is CHILDISH
BS: is that real? 87 friends? and pictures of all the blazers?
BS: that first one is real. look at the pictures.
BS: what's with his hair in the second photo?
BS: and letter jacket + white guy?
DLIC: he is from washington
DLIC: oh shit
DLIC: i forgot
DLIC: he's got his aunt
DLIC: beulah walker looking out for him
BS: grandma
DLIC: it's actually his aunt i thought
BR: that first one is real
BS: can someone explain that hair for me?
BS: after that we can kill it.
DLIC: i can't explain it
DLIC: dead
BS: his aunt?
BR: grandma
BS: is dead?
BR: it was his grandma at the draft. she's raised like 40 kids or something
BR: she's alive, but need to kill this chat some time soon


At 4/10/2006 11:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I seem to remember Blatche rocked the Jordan Classic high school game.

At 4/10/2006 11:27 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

No discussion of Julius Hodge getting shot on the freeway?

At 4/10/2006 1:06 PM, Blogger Mirabeau Lamar said...

True. Nothing is more FD than getting capped. Maybe if it was during a game . . .

At 4/10/2006 1:53 PM, Blogger Brown Recluse, Esq. said...

as soon as i heard about it, i sent shoals an email about the hodge shooting, and i never got a response. and he has some bizarre faith in hodge's ability to become a capable nba player. he should be pulling off the hot texas pavement with fresh new opinions any second now.

the silence will be broken.

At 4/10/2006 2:05 PM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

nice timing.

the minute hodge got shot, i thought of two things:

1. the slight post i did on blatche getting popped (you forgot already?)

2. the festival of respect that i unleashed when hodge went to the big dl (how are we supposed to refer to it without sounding gay and/or injured?)

my immediate conclusion was that i should do a hodge for freedarko mvp post, but that seemed too excessive for even my tastes. suffice it to say that hodge has established him as a fd role player par excellence, if such a paradox can ever survive in the harsh light of day

At 4/10/2006 2:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do I sacrifice some FD cred if I confess I thought Hodge was still stuck in the D-league?

Or does the fact that he's so much on the border between Association legitimacy and D-league pretendership make the story of his getting shot that much more interesting?

verification: azone

At 4/10/2006 2:16 PM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

hodge is a champion no matter where they stash his skinny ass. just like making the playoffs doesn't mean shit if you don't have a chance at the finals.

speaking of which, we give you what, like fifteen pages of bloody murder a week, and you can't leave us two sentence on myspace? like we joined up to have people reflexively click and add us. . . i like to think that over the last year, we have grown closer as a community than say, i am to bill walker.

At 4/10/2006 2:42 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

I don't think I listen to enough Fallout Boy or own a pair of thick framed black glasses to be on MySpace.

I do have a Friendster account. Does that make me the Penny Hardaway of the internet social networking world?

At 4/10/2006 3:02 PM, Blogger Mirabeau Lamar said...


About two years ago myspace was the more hipster version of Friendster. Now it is pretty mainstream. Although, I wouldn't list any favorite bands that are signed to a major label, unless for obviously ironic purposes. Good luck. Come to think of it, Kurt Rambis (ca mid-80s, with glasses) would be a perfectly appropriate myspace profile.

At 4/10/2006 5:57 PM, Blogger masur said...

A friend told me that World B. Free has a friendster account.

At 4/10/2006 6:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Some recent NBA players still have their facebook accounts and are friends with me. Travis Diener was updating his once a month during his rookie year on the magic this season. JJ Redick took his down recently. Pops Mansa Munso(i can't spell his name, the center for georgetown) said in an interview that he loves being facebooked by random people.

At 4/10/2006 7:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am facebook friends with the third string tight end from Purdue and a guy who runs a debate camp.

At 4/10/2006 10:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The white guy in the Martell Webster picture is Jon Brockman, he plays at the University of Washington, where Martell should have played this year.

At 4/11/2006 1:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Julius Hodge is D-Wade, minus the skills. Grasp that.

At 4/11/2006 4:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think the only reason FD cares about whether these myspace profiles are real is because all of you guys are using aliases on Free Darko.

None of you are putting yourself out there completely so the notion of these people pretending to be NBA ballers fascinates you. I think it's all pretty lame.

At 4/11/2006 4:42 PM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

i could give a fuck less about someone pretending to be an nba player; what interests me is the possibility that some of these are real. after all, we were the first people to go trolling for the 2005 draft class on myspace.

and i'd say that our freedarko personaes are more like a drag show than some fifteen year-old doing a fake page for andrew bynum.


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