Where Amazing Happens Pt. III
The last installment of the Billups-DrLIC-Shoals-Recluse-curated FREEDARKO EVERY PLAYER PREVIEW.
Pachulia, Zaza: Really owes T.I.P. a “my bad” for not locking the armory the other night.
Pargo, Jannero: Will suffer crippling migraines while trying to unlock the hidden meanings of Liquid Swords.
Parker, Anthony: Will quit basketball after unlocking the hidden meanings of Liquid Swords.
Parker, Smush: Will take solace in the fact that, though he may personally not feel at home in Miami, his Scarface poster does.
Parker, Tony: Will go out for a pack of Gauloises and never come back.
Patterson, Andre: Will become something of a foodie.
Patterson, Ruben: Adventures in babysitting.
Paul, Chris: Fuck you know about Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me.
Perkins, Kendrick: Will worry friends with his tendency to go on “cleanses.”
Perovic, Kosta: Will tell D-League bus-mates, in labored English, “they say I am like Nesterovic.’
Peterson, Morris: Will start a blog advocating the annexation of Canada.
Petro, Johan: Is totally gonna show Durant the ropes.
Petway, Brent: Will order coffee from the singer from the Thermals.
Piatkowski, Eric: Will wind up in a medically induced coma after mixing Alize and HGH one too many times.
Pierce, Paul: Has already made a pact with Kevin Garnett that—if this season happens to go pear shaped—they will re-enact the final scene from Year of the Dragon on the Tobin Bridge.
Pietrus, Mickael: Will let Matt Barnes have until the All-Star break before he tells him to stop talking about the “primal energy” of Justice and the Parisian dance scene.
Pollard, Scot: Will try to enmesh Ray Allen in his long-running Vitalogy obsession. “This shit just keeps revealing itself, Husky.”
Posey, James: Will show this city of driving under the influence what driving under the influence truly is.
Powe, Leon: Will privately wonder when Leon Powe is gonna get his.
Price, Ronnie: Will wisely wait until the holidays to go HD.
Prince, Tayshaun: Will come to the conclusion that Rick Rubin’s vision of a subscription model-based music industry is deeply flawed.
Pruitt, Gabe: You must be this tall to ride Big Thunder Mountain.
Przybilla, Joel: During one long plane ride will to turn to Brandon Roy, rub his hands together and, in full Bond-Villain mode, rhetorically ask, One can never really predict a micro-fracture can one? BUHAHAHAHAH.
Quinn, Chris: is in a race against time.
Radmanovic, Vladimir: is going to be Kobe Bryant’s manservant.
Randolph, Shavlik: writes his own theme song.
Randolph, Zach: is going to be Isiah Thomas’ pride and joy.
Ratliff, Theo: will lead them to the promised land.
Redd, Michael: converts to Judaism.
Redick, J.J.: still getting confused with those Duke LaCrosse players.
Reed, Justin: still has the Total Devastation tape in his car cassette deck.
Richard, Chris: will bodyslam somebody in the NBDL.
Richardson, Anthony: ponders a career in photo-journalism.
Richardson, Jason: reenacts fight scenes from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon with Gerald Wallace.
Richardson, Jeremy: asks for the league maximum.
Richardson, Quentin: guest of honor at Van Halen show at MSG
Ridnour, Luke: misses Jerome Jame.
Roberson, Anthony: wins team fantasy basketball pool but is banned from the league for doing so.
Robinson, Antywane: endorses Fred Thompson.
Robinson, Bernard: inducted into Bobcats ring of honor.
Robinson, Brandon: has “it.”
Robinson, Nate: will get a face tattoo.
Rodriguez, Sergio: watches Reign Over Me with subtitles—the jokes don’t translate.
Rondo, Rajon: just happy to be there.
Rose, Malik: pelted with paperballs by a class of Read to Achieve kindergartners
Ross, Quinton: develops a cure for plantar fasciitis.
Roy, Brandon: will have to have microfracture surgery.
Ruffin, Michael: wows President Bush with a hilarious Borat impression.
Rush, Kareem: haunts my dreams.
Rush: huge pyrotechnic halftime performance at NBA All-star game.
Russell, Walker: will cause people to call him Russell Walker.
Salmons, John: becomes only NBA player to own a Zune
Samb, Cheikh: actually exists.
Sampson, Jamal: earns commemorative 55th DNP-CD
Scalabrine, Brian: will play himself out of the league.
Scola, Luis: is going to become the Argentinian spokesman for the milk industry.
Sefolosha, Thabo: winks at Violet Palmer.
Sene, Mouhamed: blogs about epic battles with Johan Petro
Sessions, Ramon: secret weapon.
Shakur, Mustafa: will earn the nickname Mustafalypse Now.
Simien, Wayne: draws a mustache on a passed-out Pat Riley
Simmons, Bobby: helps himself to another Powerbar
Simmons, Cedric: dedicates his season to Sidney Lowe
Sims, Courtney: registers the much-coveted triple-single
Skinner, Brian: does not defend Duncan as well as Kurt Thomas, a fact that is mentioned by Steve Kerr 14 times in one broadcast.
Slaughter, Marcus: implicated in Aztec booster controvery.
Smith, Craig: benchpresses Sebastian Telfair.
Smith, J.R.: buckles under emotional pressure, leading to a downward mental spiral.
Smith, Jason: is better than ever.
Smith, Joe: will be a key playoff factor for the Bulls.
Smith, Josh: starts wearing a cape to games.
Smith, Steven: refuses to play on Thanksgiving.
Snow, Eric: takes the bus to work.
Snyder, Kirk: looks up old profiles of himself on NBADraft.net
Songaila, Darius: becomes ambidextrous
Stackhouse, Jerry: parodied in this year’s Hasty Pudding show
Stevenson, DeShawn: wins Congressional medal of honor.
Stojakovic, Peja: only NBA player to visit Michael Vick in jail.
Storey, Awvee: is going to be a star in this league.
Stoudamire, Damon: starts publishing a weekly team newsletter.
Stoudamire, Salim: will score 45 in a game.
Stoudemire, Amare: does weird bankruptcy lawyers commercial with Matt Leinart.
Strawberry, D.J.: accidentally presented with a Source Award.
Stricker, Brad: finally captures title as NBA’s best Brad.
Stuckey, Rodney: revolutionizes the pick and pop.
Sun Yue: finally gets Senegalese citizenship.
Sura, Bob: will posterize Shaq.
Swift, Robert: carves his initials in his skin.
Swift, Stromile: will set his hotel room on fire.
Szczerbiak, Wally: will kill Seattle fans by causing both Jeff Green and Durant to see reduced minutes.
Tatum, Jamaal: Laughs it off and gets a real job
Taylor, Donell: Pines for the days when he was called a thug
Telfair, Sebastian: Recasts himself as a missionary
Terry, Jason: Will end up on the disabled list after too much soda comes out his nose
Thomas, Etan: Recovers from heart surgery
Thomas, Kenny: Write the best-seller "Selfish Rebounding"
Thomas, Kurt: Will get a ring
Thomas, Tim: Has a jacuzzi w/ bubble bath dispenser installed by the bench
Thomas, Tyrus: Begs Shawn Marion to mentor him, which angers Marion
Thornton, Al: Is mentioned more times on FreeDarko than any other rookie
Tinsley, Jamaal: Claims the phrase "pure point guard" is a tool of oppression
Tolliver, Anthony: Has trouble convincing people he played at Creighton
Tucker, Alando: Jokes to friends: "I'm the luckiest fan in the world"
Trent, Gary: Made you look!
Turiaf, Ronny: Starter minutes, sub profile, mind of a lion
Turkgolu, Hedo: Gives the best nationofislamsportsblog interview ever.
Turner, Larry: Gets a checking account
Udoka, Ime: Realizes the double-edged sword of "the Spurs saw something there"
Udrih, Beno: Becomes first player ever to demand trade from Spurs
Valencia Oranges: Still yummy
Vaughn, Jacque: Completes his fancy cigar collection, retires
Villanueva, Charlie: Takes league-mandated Lamar Odom lessons
Vinicius, Marcus: Is not a forgotten Italian prog rock classic
Vujacic, Sasha: Pills, Nicole Richie with the baby inside
Wade, Dwyane: is very worried about the Shaunie/Shaq divorce proceedings.
Wafer, Von: so psyched for that new Dylan movie.
Walker, Antoine: plays this year, simply to let bloggers make fat jokes
Wallace, Ben: stews
Wallace, Brandon: all he does is win games.
Wallace, Gerald: bets his salary on a game of PIG with MJ. Loses.
Wallace, Rasheed: finally responds to E-40.
Walton, Luke: didn't hear about this whole "Kobe mess" going on over the summer.
Warrick, Hakim: gives Chris Andersen a hug.
Washington, Darius: shoots free throws underhanded.
Watkins, Darryl: is actually a player from the 80s.
Watkins, Jameel: accidentally spreads mono to rest of the team.
Watson, C.J.: underappreciated.
Watson, Earl: reminisces about that golden stretch of 46 games with the Nuggets
Webster, Martell: redefines the term, “enigmatic.”
Wells, Bonzi: gets sad after wins.
West, David: doesn't have a cool enough name to make it in this league
West, Delonte: replaces Mike Golic on the ESPN morning show.
West, Mario: is really exciting.
Wilcox, Chris: gives new meaning to the term, "Wilcoxian."
Wilkins, Damien: disgraces the family name.
Williams, Aaron: plays for the Clippers?
Williams, Deron: leader of men.
Williams, Jason: doesn't "get" the whole Sudoku thing.
Williams, Justin: "proof of innocence" turns out to be way weirder than we even imagined.
Williams, Louis: busted in Oink.cd raid.
Williams, Marcus: tries to sell old Oak Hill jersey on eBay
Williams, Marcus: is not THAT Marcus Williams.
Williams, Marvin: EXPLODES. THIS. YEAR.
Williams, Maurice: plays in Israel, nobody notices.
Williams, Sean: changes the game
Williams, Shawne: overnight celebrity
Williams, Shelden: is outplayed by Candace Parker.
Wright, Antoine: can't believe McCants was selected ahead of him.
Wright, Brandan: can't believe he's in the NBA.
Wright, Dorell: thinks he's in Pat Riley's doghouse
Wright, Julian: scuffles with a mascot.
Wright, Lorenzen: starts an advice column.
Xerxes: Assassinated by stabbing.
Yao Ming: finds Verne Troyer’s phone number in an old pair of trousers.
Yi Jianlian: installs multiple mirrors in his house to give the illusion that Milwaukee’s Chinese population is rising.
Young, Nick: lives up to his idol, Harold Minor.
Young, Thaddeus: remembers he left the stove on.
Zuniga, Daphne: Performance in Spaceballs was MTV Movie Award-worthy.
Labels: every player preview