We Are Fighting for Power
You already know politics is sports, so we thought we'd grab Ziller and chat Biden's acceptance speech like it was Hawks versus Grizzlies. For some reason, Dr. LIC and Shoals couldn't stop talking about how good-looking they think Joe Biden and Bill Walton are.
Bethlehem Shoals: So wait, why did we decide to do this?
Brown Recluse, Esq.: It was your idea, dude.
Dr. LIC: Because Biden is the most FD out the Obama camp. B-Clinton woulda been, but he is mad bitter.
Ziller: Bitter is not an FD quality?
Shoals: I think Clinton turned a corner tonight and became more Biden. Which is to say, post-bitter.
Ziller: Or does it just destroy Bill's inherent FDness?
Dr. LIC: But that guy is running everything behind the scenes.
BR: Clinton showed his ass during the primaries in a big way, but the speech was on point.
Shoals: All Pat Buchanan talks about is red meat. He's like a brain-dead lynx this week.
Dr. LIC: Buchanan is totally the Keyshawn Johnson of the set.
BR: Bill Clinton talked about every single thing the pundits criticized all of the other speakers for not saying, but Buchanan picked out the one thing he missed (Guantanamo) and had to harp on it.
Shoals: Isn't saying "torture" close enough?
Ziller: It's like a Skip Bayless joke Leitch always tells.
Shoals: Biden is totally Bulworth.
Dr. LIC: Have you guys seen this:
Dr. LIC: That woman's name is QUINCY LEWIS.
Shoals: Wasn't she a draft pick?
Dr. LIC: Yeah, from Minnesota. He gave Kirilenko the name AK-47.
BR: Is Pelosi on pills?
Ziller: She has peanut butter on the roof of her mouth.
Shoals: A. just asked if Jill Biden has been shopping at the Michelle Obama store.
Dr. LIC: She looks like a person showing up to Bruce Wayne's parties.
Dr. LIC: Joe Biden's handsomeness makes Obama look a bit ill in comparison.
BR: Like sickly ill? Or like illmatic?
Dr. LIC: Like, less handsome.
Shoals: Biden's off-the-chain-ness makes Obama seem like an elder statesman.
Ziller: Did Barack just call him "salt?" Salt and pepper!
Shoals: "Salt" is street slang for someone from Scranton. They had a Negro league team. The Scranton Salts. Joe Biden built a museum about it. With his teeth!
Dr. LIC: Biden looks like he could play a serious round of golf.
Shoals: With his teeth!
Shoals: Recluse, who was born fighting more, Biden or Webb?
BR: Webb would whoop Biden's ass.
Shoals: Every Jim Webb book sounds like a Johnny Thunders song.
Dr. LIC: Beau Biden is totally Mad Men.
BR: Even though Biden's been in Washington for decades, he's actually been in Delaware this whole time!
Shoals: Dr. LIC, why are they talking about Humphrey?
Dr. LIC: Because Humphrey is the beginning and the end. Humphrey = democracy.
Shoals: Like some Greek shit?
Dr. LIC: Basically. Polis. Minneapolis.
Shoals: Dang. do you have any pamphlets I could read?
Dr. LIC: The Final Call?
Shoals: There's a special Humphrey edition?
Ziller: I thought the sentence was going to end at "Dad wasn't afraid to call Milosevic."
Shoals: Webb is a pussy. He'd never call Milosevic a war criminal to his face. He's too busy fighting the guy at the checkout counter.
Dr. LIC: Tragedy = qualified ?
Shoals: I told you, POST-BITTER!
Dr. LIC: I want someone to read this book to me.
Shoals: Like, on a date?
Ziller: Maybe Quincy Lewis?
Dr. LIC: I just don't have time to read it, but I want someone to tell me all about it.
Shoals: What's that song? "Hold on Loosely"?
Shoals: This Obama cameo will be like when I saw Jay jump on stage with Free and Beans at a Power 99 anniversary concert, and the women next to us said, "I'm going to tell my grandkids about this."
Ziller: Obama's coming in Owen Hart style.
Shoals: I actually made that joke about Ted Kennedy and felt horrible about it.
Shoals: Biden is the fighting Dracula of Scranton.
Dr. LIC: Holy shit, this guy has MAGNETISM!
Ziller: He's kind of Peter O'Toole-ish.
Shoals: A. thought Biden had gotten one of his kids names wrong, which isn't out of the question.
Dr. LIC: This dude took 1000 viagra before this speech.
Shoals: Quoth Bill: "I LOVE JOE BIDEN!"
Shoals: The bravest warriors? Like William Wallace?
BR: Wrong country, dude.
Dr. LIC: Biden's mom has stripes.
Ziller: McCain dated her before the War.
Shoals: I spend all my time thinking about Favre cuckolding McCain in some sort of weird pill ring scandal.
Dr. LIC: "As a child, as a child I stuttered."
Dr. LIC: STRIPES!
Shoals: Dude, he was told by his mom to kill people. Fuck Jim Webb. He doesn't win. He triumphs.
BR: Most people don't die from a nose-bleed, you pussy.
Shoals: Especially not in Scranton.
Dr. LIC: How long is the train from DC to Delaware? That seems like a prime drug route
Shoals: What are you insinuating?
Dr. LIC: I'm just saying. I bet that train has some action on it.
Shoals: I heard today that Biden is the poorest senator of them all.
Ziller: Mark Rypien?
Shoals: All he's ever done is write one book. I guess there are all sorts of other senatorial side-hustles I don't understand.
BR: "He has a net worth between $59,000 and $366,000."
Shoals: Where's that from, taxbrackets.com?
Ziller: Biden is better indoors, which means he might not hack it at Rucker.
Shoals: Biden needs to bust out the red meat.
BR: WHERE ARE THE GUNS?
Dr. LIC: This speech is giving a lot of inspiration to stutterers.
Shoals: K-mart=so Biden
Shoals: Too bad I already made the Walton comparison, which weaker minds will think is more apt, since both are verbose and white and good looking. But we all know what's really going on.
Shoals: "That's not change. That's the same." Bring on the Sesame Street.
BR: Isn't it more important that it's immoral than it's the status quo?
Ziller: Buchanan is going to explode. Physically. He's going to bite Rachel's arm.
Shoals: They touch a lot. He's never met a lesbian and thinks he can change her or something.
Shoals: Fuck accessible, I want EXCESSIVE health care!
Dr. LIC: I love how China and India are suddenly our enemies just because their economies are exploding. I miss having Russia as an enemy, though.
Shoals: Here's what Biden needs to break out. Dr. LIC, do you even remember the cold war?
Dr. LIC: I just found on MySpace the kid I was friends with in first grade from Ukraine who said he went to Ukraine and they burned American flags for fun. That was the cold war that I remember.
Dr. LIC: Holy shit, that was a fucking entrance! ALLOW ME TO RE-INTRODUCE MYSELF!!!!
Shoals: Obama is so cocky. He cannot wait to smoke everyone's speech tomorrow night.
Shoals: He said "rock the house" like he was imitating a white dude. "Right down to earth, in a languge you can understand."
Shoals: OMG Obama totally was into Living Colour!