RETURN OF THE LIVE BLOG

In typical FD fashion, we decided to chat the NBA Draft Lottery, but not the first game of Nuggets/Lakers. Shoals had zingers galore, Ty Keenan dropped PAC-10 knowledge, Dr. LIC made several WILD-ASS claims, and I took dictation.

Shoals: What would make this lottery exciting? I think if a team jumped, I'd be yelling like a cow. Could anything else?

Ty Keenan: If we're going for drama, there is a potentially interesting situation if the Warriors get #2, because Dan Fegan is Rubio and Al Harrington's agent.

Recluse: Who gets Rubio is the most (only?) exciting thing about this draft.

Shoals: Ricky Rubio has a woman's desperation in his eyes

Dr. LIC: Ricky Rubio's nickname is FOOLZ GOLD.


Shoals: Is there any chance David Stern doesn't have mob connections? I mean, really.

Recluse: "We never lose date smackdowns"!!!!!!

Shoals: What else makes a man that short that confident?

Recluse: A HUGE COCK

Shoals: Welcome to the terrordome. I mean, synagogue.



Shoals: Are there still actual balls?

Ty Keenan: I think it's numbered balls that come out in a sequence, and the sequence corresponds to a team.

Shoals: That sounds like some crazy robot shit, not a bingo machine.

Recluse: Brandon Jennings's Twitter is the best thing ever, by the way.

Shoals: I just realized that his Twitter actually is an oracle of sorts tonight.

Recluse: Brandon Jennings is smart. I kind of can't believe he got an SAT score red-flagged. Maybe he got a legitimately high score? Check it:

"Most Important thing about the Draft/NBA, Get on a TEAM that fits your game and kill those 3yrs and GET THAT Big 2nd contract! O yea and WIN"

Shoals: Webber would pretend he can eat a giant hamburger.

Dr. LIC: Sacramento is poised to blow next year. that is a prime coaching job.

Recluse: Wait until the lottery. There are very few game-changers in this draft.

Shoals: Magic and Bird need to be on a "Golden Girls" remake.




Shoals: How much better would this Heinekin ad be with a Kool G Rap song?

Dr. LIC: No white girl knows the non-chorus words to "Just a Friend."


Shoals: Sometimes, JVG props his chin up on his mic. JVG doing "One Mic" in hip-hop karaoke is funny to me.

Shoals: Is this a new scary Jew? Did that guy take the place of Adam Silver?

Dr. LIC: Bilas is already convinced Derozan won't be picked early enough.

Shoals: Bilas is still trying to atone for Josh Smith.

Recluse: Hey, Ty Keenan, is Harden really a better NBA prospect than Derozan?

Ty Keenan: He's just more polished, but Derozan's ceiling is much higher

Shoals: POLISHED LIKE A SEAL

Ty Keenan: Anyway, Harden plays sorta like Roy did towards the end of his time at U-Dub, but not nearly as consistent and just worse in general.

Shoals: What does Blake Griffin do in the dark that determines his greatness? Shit like a horse?

Dr. LIC: Wait, Bilas literally has Curry in the top ten? Curry is the next Redick.

Recluse: Does Brandon Jennings have a draft suit advantage since HE LIVES IN ITALY?



Dr. LIC: Lakers are a terrible matchup for Denver. Nugs could beat anyone in the East though.

Recluse: Nuggets would not beat Cavs, dude, come on.

Dr. LIC: The matchups completely favor the Nuggets: Melo cancels out Lebron (bold statement). Dahntay Jones would guard James, too. One-on-one. Billups > Mo Williams. Nene/Birdman >>>>>> ENERGY>>>>> Z and V. Melo is sneakily unguardable.

Ty Keenan: Lebron is loudly unguardable.

Shoals: This isn't worth getting into.


Dr. LIC: C-Webb at the Kings seat is sadder than Jesus at the last supper.

Shoals: In what capacity does C-Webb rep the Kings? Did he retire a King?

Dr. LIC: Also, IF THEY DONT GET THE FIRST PICK it's all his fault why would you put him through that?

Shoals: This is the lamest party in the world.
Dr. LIC: Thorn can't lose. Oh shit: Thorn vs Colangelo in a battle of CANT LOSING!

Ty Keenan: Why is Reggie Jackson a good luck charm?

Shoals: Reggie will work for cereal.

Dr. LIC: Reggie's ego gets him into everything.

Recluse: Kevin Love looks like he's primed for his confirmation.



Ty Keenan: If Silver is there, then who was the other Jew?

Recluse: N: "Who is that ghoul?"

Dr. LIC: Adam Silver is Stern's goon.

[It is revealed that Sacramento has the #4 pick, precipitating various exclamations, many profane.]

Ty Keenan: This is so sad for Webber.

Shoals: They probably hired him to come on because they know he can take it. What hasn't that man been through or been blamed for?

Shoals: When doesn't the #1 overall matter? When the Clippers get it!

Dr. LIC: Griffin is doomed.

Ty Keenan: This guy has definitely never been on tv before.

Recluse: He's never talked to a girl before.

Shoals: He doesn't own a phone.

Dr. LIC: He owns a non-mobile phone.

As We Glide Upon Long Isles of the Night

Bethlehem Shoals: Okay, so let's set the stage. I wrote that provocative LBJ post only out of enthusiasm for this Warriors/Thunder game. Ziller announced through a major media conglomerate that this was our new talisman. Ty Keenan missed out on free tickets because he was busy mulling over my offer to chat this. And he, like Dr. LIC, were hungry. We certainly did "Let's do this," and here are the results.

BS: Local League Pass feeds are the last bastion of true regionalism.
Ty Keenan: Oh let me put the game on. I was watching Hitman.
Dr. Lawyer IndianChief: I'm watching this on mute.
BS: They've already said "fun" 6,000 times. SETTING THE STAGE.
Dr. LIC: Okay, turning the volume on.

BS: Fuck it, Anthony Randolph is the new Amir.
TK: That hadn't been decided yet?

Dr. LIC: Damn...Sabonis was NOT a Euro.
BS: Sabonis and Drazen, too.
Dr. LIC: Drazen gets real respect. So far I'm not convinced that Spaniards are real Euros either.
BS: Spanairds are a bad influence on basketball, and I mean that in the best way possible

Dr. LIC: My friend Paul just texted me: "What flag is on S-Jax's headband?" I'm guessing Jolly Roger.
TK: POW/MIA.
Dr. LIC: Oh wait, he was asking about the FD shirt.
BS What if Wade starts a trend with that giant face Band-Aid?
Dr. LIC: He stole that from Penny.

BS: I love that kids in the Bay have no choice but to root for Stephen Jackson.
TK: Why don't any of those kids like Monta? He should have a Dora the Explorer-type cartoon.
BS: The reason why Monta and Randolph should be together forever is that one looks like a bigger version of the other.
TK: The difference is that Monta looks like the happy baby and Randolph looks like the one who had colic.
BS: The other reason Odom likes Randolph is that AR's expressions are even more pained.



Dr. LIC: This whole Thunder coaching situation proved that everyone is wrong about everything. P.J. was hailed as the next Popovich; He couldn't even figure out what KD and Jeff Green's positions were.
BS: I thought he was brought in to sabotage the team. Under the pretense of being "a good coach for young players" which for some reason means yelling, not being imaginative and figuring shit out.
BS: Is Durant so skinny that his bones make a noise when he hits the ground?
TK: I definitely heard a noise.
TK: Monta's getting there.
BS: Monta has more first steps in any path across the court than any player in the league.
BS: Did Marco get tanner while he was injured?
TK: I think a little. It's been really dreary here over that period, too.
BS: I'm implying that he went out of town to tan.
TK: He might have a machine.

BS: There's Thabo!
Dr. LIC: This game is delivering.
BS: I just realized it's 33-26 with lots of time left in the first.
TK: It feels like it's only been five minutes or so
BS: Maggette is the most most Duke-like un-Duke Duke player in the world.
Dr. LIC: True.
TK: Jason Williams might have given Maggette a run for that though
BS: Crawford is like that guy who tries to find the most fucked up people in a bar as an excuse to get trashed

BS: 1) Warriors broadcast shows more replays of opposing team than any other local feed. 2) They once made a Derrick Rose dunk the dunk of the game (I think, TK can confirm this) and 3) They are as obsessed with monitoring Monta's explosiveness comeback as I ever was with Amare.
TK: #2 is definitely true. I think part of those might have to do with the fact that they were bad for so long. And they've had the same announcers for basically the last 10 years and the same color guy for longer. They've always had to make an effort to find something interesting to talk about the game.
BS: I am supposed to mention that I am not live-blogging these nachos
TK: I might want to write about FD college players at some point, because Weaver was totally FD in college but is boring as hell now. Or maybe I'm just not excited by him because he was so cool in college.
BS: (I am chatting with Nate Jones, and trying to explain to A. that I guess I would be cool with her going on a date with Tyson Chandler) I like Weaver. He's what Earl Watson should be.



TK: One thing Monta hasn't really figured out yet is the spin on his crazy finishes.
BS: This game is like floating through heaven: "Oh look, Anthony Morrow's first-born. Now how about an off-the-backboard 'oop, with the announcers intoning that "you knew someone was going to bring it out sometime." Also, Kevin Pelton and I have concluded just now that, if Chandler had gone to the Thunder, they could've fielded the longest line-up ever (Westbrook/Weaver/Durant/Thabo/Chandler).
TK: Green wouldn't be in that lineup?
BS: "Length" wasn't invented until 1992, so no.
> TK: wait, what does 92 have to do with it?
BS: I guarantee you both teams were up for this. I'm fairly certain it's known around the league that playing either of these two team is a rush. Oh, and if Jeff Green gets 20 boards, my foot will cave in. Wait, did the announcer just imply that Krstic sews his own jersey?

BS: What if the Thunder don't really play in Oklahoma City? Like they're on a soundstage in Hollywood that Bennett owns, and the players are all cool staying with the team beacuse it's really Los Angeles life?
TK: I've been exchanging emails with the guy at Run of Play. And he said his dad works next to the practice facility. Mentioned that he gets updates on the cars in the parking lot, but nothing on the players. So it's possible that they stage practices.
BS So anyway, the NBA is going to promote the fuck out of the Thunder starting next year because this team has such star power and is so fun. And none of them leave because it's really LA. Plus all the "fans" are extras, professional ones, waiting in line to audition for Eastbound and Down.

BS: This tableux of over-amped kids is really weird, even grotesque. It's like Rookie/Soph all over again. Maybe Kevin Durant plays his best in front of delirious seven year-olds.
TK: This is sorta like a baseball broadcast. Wait, did the Thunder just let Randolph dunk?
BS: His brand-new reputation precedes him. It's really weird how much he's changed his game recently. It's like a coach actually said something to him in English.
TK: Or Martian, in this case.
BS: Maybe Monta has to translate.



(Half of halftime)

BS A. just asked if she could go on a date with Chris Paul. I said sure. She said "actually, he'd probably make me build a fucking house."
BS Totally subjective: When they show Garnett's championship celebration,wtih some of that sad/surreal/dreamlike Adidas music under him, it kind of makes it make sense to me.
Dr. LIC: Eh
BS: Whatever, advertising rules my mind. Seriously though, it tugs at my KG heartstrings. It even makes that entire Celtics season have some pathos to it. Though maybe that's just because it's not front in front of me pissing me off.
Dr. LIC: That commercial is still wack. KG getting injured tugs at my KG heartstrings.
BS: I'm just a sucker for that music. Need i remind you of a certain KG ad?
Dr. LIC: The stand up comedian!!!
BS: TEARS IN HEAVEN
Dr. LIC: There hasn't been a commercial that important since.
BS: For you/me/us or the NBA as a whole? I'd argue "The LeBrons" was more important.
Dr. LIC: Culturally, but not for us. Man, I still can't believe that one Durant commercial had Buck65 music.

Dr. LIC: These "NBA Cares" commercials have officially reached the point of suspicious.
BS: Elaborate. . .
Dr. LIC: Like, you musta done something wrong to have to brag so much about doing good.
BS: Derek Fisher?
TK: Especially Derek Fisher.
Dr. LIC: With the MLB, it's just accepted that they "care."
TK: Is that true?
BS: Like it's not a matter of action? It's a state?
TK: I'm not sure anyone thinks MLB is morally good anymore. They could probably use their own version of those ads.
BS: I think steroids are an entirely other world of morality. Like the way people don't understand how bills get written in Congress. Wait, that's a bad analogy. Whatever, it's a series of parallel moral concerns.
Dr. LIC Modern problems vs. Old Testament sins. That's steroids vs. NBA issues.
Dr. LIC: (Alvin Gentry is secretly coaching the whole league right now)
BS: Okay, I've got this. MLB=Sharia. Please, neither of you be singing a West Side Story tune right now. Though I've got to admit, it's kind of a hot name for a lady.

Dr. LIC: The Warriors have stockpiled enough players. They have to make a big trade for an A-gamer this off-season, or else they'll be the Jerry West Grizzlies.
TK: Every contract is really long, though.
BS: I think you are greatly underestimating how much the Warriors resemble a guerilla movement. Do they move ahead by forming coalition with center-left parties?
Dr. LIC: South Africa?
BS: Let's just drop this. I went to a talk by an ex-Tamil Tiger the other night and that stuff's been on my mind, but I obviously don't know enough about the actual facts.
Dr. LIC: Kyle Weaver, Carl Landry, Kyle Lowry are all the same person to me.
BS: You cannot fool Jamal Crawford with ballhandling. He may not be a great defender, but that other thing's a point of pride for him.



TK: I almost feel like they're making up the score.
BS: Like, adjusted for their having scored too much? Or inventing it for the sake of having to have something?
TK: No, fabricating
BS: That's how I feel about soccer. Also—another dilletante alert—I read today that in Saudi Arabia all budget and data and prices are just made up
when they need them for major deals, projects, etc.
Dr. LIC: Wow
BS: Westbrook is out Monta-ing Monta.
TK: I just want to say that i'm incredibly proud of being right about Westbrook.
Dr. LIC: Me too.
BS: I liked Bayless better, just to be contrary.

TK: That was the greatest broadcaster question ever: "When you're flying in for an awesome fingerroll, how do you know not to use glass? Tell all the youngsters out there."

Dr. LIC: Okay, hear me out on this... in the NFL, too many quarterbacks were getting hurt. So they changed the rules—wussified them, really—so QBs get more protection. And even though they still get busted up (Brady), it seems to have worked somewhat. I think the NBA should do the same with foul rules inside. You've got Amare, KG, Al Jefferson [and Bynum] dying at crucial junctures. Like, start making fines inside a fineable offense. We get higher scores (Gentry style) and less injured bigs.
BS: You are really broken up over this.
Dr. LIC: Dude, KG. Amare. Al Jeff. This fucking SUCKS. That shouldn't hapen.
BS: The problem is that players like Kenny Thomas still exist. Nick Collison, etc.

BS: "Anthony Randolph possibly hit a chair" has weird echoes of "Luke Ridnour couldn't guard a chair."
TK: I think if you said that out of context people would think he got in a fight with a chair.
BS: Anthony Randolph is "special" in so many senses. And no, i'm not calling him retarded.
BS: Maybe Odom said that quote about Randolph's bright future to finally deflect attention away from his own potential. He wanted them to shut up about how HE could've been the next Magic.
Dr. LIC: Stretch run here.
BS: This game is making me think I don't know anything about basketball. Oh and another very Duke thing about Maggette: never seemed interested in leading the league in scoring from a bad team, even though he possibly could've (which no one else from Duke, save Hill, ever could've).

BS: Wait, is Jackson keeping Durant from going off?
TK: He's still 8/13. I'm not sure why he was out for so much of the third.
BS: That's what I love about Durant, even his quiet games are All-Star-ish. As opposed to guy who struggle to get good numbers on off-nights, and thus are impossible to ignore.
Dr. LIC: Durant is truly the quiet assassin. He really is like when people say "he has no conscience."
TK: This is making me imagine him as the insane person in a gothic novel.
BS: I am sure Kobe would be jealous of that remark. Okay, quick, someone come up with a Manchurian Candidate-inspired nickname for KD. Actually, that would be a dope ad.



BS: Durant is a scoring machine. I never really understood that cliche until seeing him this season.
Dr. LIC He really should be drawing double-teams, though. Maybe that's just Nellie's stupidity.
TK: Is anyone doing it? I could see people not wanting to acknowledge that he's already as good as he is.
BS: Who would you leave open? This team isn't THAT bad.
Dr. LIC: See, that's what I'm saying. The Thunder should be much better. The move to Oklahoma made them think they were an expansion team.
BS: Rebuildng from scratch makes anyone think they're an expansion. It's the great equalizer.
TK: What's their record since P.J. left?
BS: I'd do record since 1/1, since that's when Durant really started going crazy.
Dr. LIC: 12-30 since P.J. left
TK: 9-13 since 1/1, going into tonight.
BS: In the West, no less.

Dr. LIC: Watson is the most Blaxploitation last name ever.
BS: Like Matt Watson? Watson like Sherlock Holmes's sidekick?
Dr. LIC: C.J.
TK: Earl, too.
BS C.J. and Earl Watson are two of the least Blaxploitation players in the league.
TK: James Watson definitely wouldn't like to hear that he has a Blaxploitation name.
Dr. LIC: The name is part "Watts," part "son."
BS: I like to pretend that Azubulke works in finance.
Dr. LIC: Kelenna Azubanky.
BS: Ugh. I'm embarrassed.

BS: "He's never going to go away." That's our next Stephen Jackson shirt right there.
BS Someone should do shirts [huh?] about stat inflation. And see what teams inflate the "right" players, versus those that random players have the biggest games against.
Dr. LIC: The Timberwolves.
BS: You're right, it probably has nothing to do with tempo.
BS: Wow, that was truly Odom-esque of Randolph. Forgetting he'd dribbled.

We Are Fighting for Power

You already know politics is sports, so we thought we'd grab Ziller and chat Biden's acceptance speech like it was Hawks versus Grizzlies. For some reason, Dr. LIC and Shoals couldn't stop talking about how good-looking they think Joe Biden and Bill Walton are.

Bethlehem Shoals: So wait, why did we decide to do this?
Brown Recluse, Esq.: It was your idea, dude.
Dr. LIC: Because Biden is the most FD out the Obama camp. B-Clinton woulda been, but he is mad bitter.
Ziller: Bitter is not an FD quality?
Shoals: I think Clinton turned a corner tonight and became more Biden. Which is to say, post-bitter.
Ziller: Or does it just destroy Bill's inherent FDness?
Dr. LIC: But that guy is running everything behind the scenes.
BR: Clinton showed his ass during the primaries in a big way, but the speech was on point.

Shoals: All Pat Buchanan talks about is red meat. He's like a brain-dead lynx this week.
Dr. LIC: Buchanan is totally the Keyshawn Johnson of the set.
BR: Bill Clinton talked about every single thing the pundits criticized all of the other speakers for not saying, but Buchanan picked out the one thing he missed (Guantanamo) and had to harp on it.
Shoals: Isn't saying "torture" close enough?
Ziller: It's like a Skip Bayless joke Leitch always tells.
Shoals: Biden is totally Bulworth.
Dr. LIC: Have you guys seen this:



Dr. LIC: That woman's name is QUINCY LEWIS.
Shoals: Wasn't she a draft pick?
Dr. LIC: Yeah, from Minnesota. He gave Kirilenko the name AK-47.
BR: Is Pelosi on pills?
Ziller: She has peanut butter on the roof of her mouth.
Shoals: A. just asked if Jill Biden has been shopping at the Michelle Obama store.
Dr. LIC: She looks like a person showing up to Bruce Wayne's parties.
Dr. LIC: Joe Biden's handsomeness makes Obama look a bit ill in comparison.
BR: Like sickly ill? Or like illmatic?
Dr. LIC: Like, less handsome.
Shoals: Biden's off-the-chain-ness makes Obama seem like an elder statesman.
Ziller: Did Barack just call him "salt?" Salt and pepper!
Shoals: "Salt" is street slang for someone from Scranton. They had a Negro league team. The Scranton Salts. Joe Biden built a museum about it. With his teeth!
Dr. LIC: Biden looks like he could play a serious round of golf.
Shoals: With his teeth!

Shoals: Recluse, who was born fighting more, Biden or Webb?
BR: Webb would whoop Biden's ass.
Shoals: Every Jim Webb book sounds like a Johnny Thunders song.
Dr. LIC: Beau Biden is totally Mad Men.
BR: Even though Biden's been in Washington for decades, he's actually been in Delaware this whole time!
Shoals: Dr. LIC, why are they talking about Humphrey?
Dr. LIC: Because Humphrey is the beginning and the end. Humphrey = democracy.
Shoals: Like some Greek shit?
Dr. LIC: Basically. Polis. Minneapolis.
Shoals: Dang. do you have any pamphlets I could read?
Dr. LIC: The Final Call?
Shoals: There's a special Humphrey edition?

Ziller: I thought the sentence was going to end at "Dad wasn't afraid to call Milosevic."
Shoals: Webb is a pussy. He'd never call Milosevic a war criminal to his face. He's too busy fighting the guy at the checkout counter.
Dr. LIC: Tragedy = qualified ?
Shoals: I told you, POST-BITTER!

Dr. LIC: I want someone to read this book to me.
Shoals: Like, on a date?
Ziller: Maybe Quincy Lewis?
Dr. LIC: I just don't have time to read it, but I want someone to tell me all about it.
Shoals: What's that song? "Hold on Loosely"?
Shoals: This Obama cameo will be like when I saw Jay jump on stage with Free and Beans at a Power 99 anniversary concert, and the women next to us said, "I'm going to tell my grandkids about this."
Ziller: Obama's coming in Owen Hart style.
Shoals: I actually made that joke about Ted Kennedy and felt horrible about it.

Shoals: Biden is the fighting Dracula of Scranton.
Dr. LIC: Holy shit, this guy has MAGNETISM!
Ziller: He's kind of Peter O'Toole-ish.
Shoals: A. thought Biden had gotten one of his kids names wrong, which isn't out of the question.
Dr. LIC: This dude took 1000 viagra before this speech.
Shoals: Quoth Bill: "I LOVE JOE BIDEN!"



Shoals: The bravest warriors? Like William Wallace?
BR: Wrong country, dude.
Ziller: Finnegan!
Dr. LIC: Biden's mom has stripes.
Ziller: McCain dated her before the War.
Shoals: I spend all my time thinking about Favre cuckolding McCain in some sort of weird pill ring scandal.
Dr. LIC: "As a child, as a child I stuttered."
Shoals: Walton?
Dr. LIC: STRIPES!
Shoals: Dude, he was told by his mom to kill people. Fuck Jim Webb. He doesn't win. He triumphs.
BR: Most people don't die from a nose-bleed, you pussy.
Shoals: Especially not in Scranton.

Dr. LIC: How long is the train from DC to Delaware? That seems like a prime drug route
Shoals: What are you insinuating?
Dr. LIC: I'm just saying. I bet that train has some action on it.
Shoals: I heard today that Biden is the poorest senator of them all.
Ziller: Mark Rypien?
Shoals: All he's ever done is write one book. I guess there are all sorts of other senatorial side-hustles I don't understand.
BR: "He has a net worth between $59,000 and $366,000."
Shoals: Where's that from, taxbrackets.com?

Ziller: Biden is better indoors, which means he might not hack it at Rucker.
Shoals: Biden needs to bust out the red meat.
BR: WHERE ARE THE GUNS?
Dr. LIC: This speech is giving a lot of inspiration to stutterers.
Shoals: K-mart=so Biden
Shoals: Too bad I already made the Walton comparison, which weaker minds will think is more apt, since both are verbose and white and good looking. But we all know what's really going on.

Shoals: "That's not change. That's the same." Bring on the Sesame Street.
BR: Isn't it more important that it's immoral than it's the status quo?
Ziller: Buchanan is going to explode. Physically. He's going to bite Rachel's arm.
Shoals: They touch a lot. He's never met a lesbian and thinks he can change her or something.

Shoals: Fuck accessible, I want EXCESSIVE health care!
Dr. LIC: I love how China and India are suddenly our enemies just because their economies are exploding. I miss having Russia as an enemy, though.
Shoals: Here's what Biden needs to break out. Dr. LIC, do you even remember the cold war?
Dr. LIC: I just found on MySpace the kid I was friends with in first grade from Ukraine who said he went to Ukraine and they burned American flags for fun. That was the cold war that I remember.

Dr. LIC: Holy shit, that was a fucking entrance! ALLOW ME TO RE-INTRODUCE MYSELF!!!!
Shoals: Obama is so cocky. He cannot wait to smoke everyone's speech tomorrow night.
Shoals: He said "rock the house" like he was imitating a white dude. "Right down to earth, in a languge you can understand."


Shoals: OMG Obama totally was into Living Colour!

FreeDrafto #4675: Inner Dialogues

What follows is an abridged version of a conversation that occurred during the draft. You might also be interested in the fruits of Shoals's Deadspin efforts. More important than any of this, though, and possibly changing its entire complexion after the fact: MAYO&CONLEY&RUDY&WARRICK&ARTHUR=THE NEW HAWKS. There was that dream we were after.

Billups: That's some real type-a personality shit Paxson is rocking there. Making sure he's at the head of the table to carve the turkey and shit.
Billups: Heads are siphoning gas for a living; nobody gives a fuck about Stern's digital media initiative.
Billups: I saw Van Gundy today, btw. On 8th ave. My man said the Knicks missed him and he gave a black power salute.

Krolik: I get a Marvin Williams vibe off Derrick Rose
Brown Recluse, Esq.: Like, humble dude, talented, but overrated?
Billups: Or sleeper cell type dude who will activate in his third year?
Krolik: Not a lot of production, but upside and character
Recluse: CDR=Rashad McCants in that analogy

Billups: What do you guys think of Bilas saying B. Lopez is third best on the board?
Krolik: Lopez is terrible. He doesn't shoot short shots or mid-range shots, he's created his own hybrid post/mid-range shot. And his brother is much cooler.
Billups: How is his brother cooler!?
Ty Keenan: Robin's post game is the greatest thing in the world, if you like funny things.

Krolik: Shh...SAS is interviewing Rose
Recluse: I'm getting weird Marbury vibes from this interview....NOT A GOOD SIGN
Krolik: Here's Doris Burke...WITH YA MOM.
Billups: Doris has the Percocet slur. I'm with it.
Recluse: I'm worried the famed Rose quietness is really blankness. Not a good look for a point guard.

Billups: Doris embedded with YA MOMS.
Krolik: I could listen to Stephen A. say "With YA MOM" all day long
Ty Keenan: I hope Beasley autographs Stephen A.'s face



Krolik: Rashad and O.J. would make my year
Billups: Come on McHale. Trade the pick to Ainge for Scalabrine and tickets to Ice-T and Body Count reunion show at the Middle East.
Carter Blanchard: I like that he opted for glasses to look serious.
Billups: That's fucked up. Sad boy por vida.
Carter Blanchard: People with glasses can't be scandalous.
Billups: That beard makes him look like present-day George Gerivn.
Ty Keenan: He's just reinforcing the fact that he's older than everyone else in his class.
Billups: OJ Mayo is in a Power Station tribute band. TWolves in 09.
Carter Blanchard: OJ makes such a conscious effort to use "sir" whenever possible
Recluse: Somewhere P. Diddy is beaming

[The Sonics draft Westbrook]

Ty Keenan: MONRR strikes
Billups: ROB SWIFT WILL DIE ANOTHER DAY
Ty Keenan: He's a good defender and dunks on people
Ty Keenan: This is basically the equivalent of what I thought the Jeff Green pick would be

[Something about Love being related to the Beach Boys]
Billups: Which practically makes him Stamos' brother-in-law, right?

Billups: It's gonna go Apocalyptico if they draft Danilo or Brook. Danilo is gonna be on the run like jaguar paw.
Recluse: When Stern paused, you knew it was on
Ty Keenan: Stern's pause was like the turn in a Petrarchan sonnet
Billups: White knicks fans hate white people
Recluse: That dunk attempt they just showed was so pathetic
Billups: I love how dudes who cover european ball act like they're like the only people to have seen the ocean before.
Billups: HAVE YOU SEEN HIM? WELL THEN YOU CAN'T REALLY TELL ME HE'S NOT GOING TO BE BETTER THAN CHUCK PERSON IN HIS PRIME.
Ty Keenan: This is why I think that all Euro experts need to tell us who they described in the same way

[SAS interviews Danilo Galinari]

Carter Blanchard: Is he shouting more because of the booing or because he thinks foreigners only understand retard-speak?

[Clippers draft Eric Gordon]

Ty Keenan: My dad just came in and said "fatty"
Krolik: Eric Gordon is Julian Wright's bowling ball

Carter Blanchard: Can we talk about the Yi thing a little? I think that's what's been messing with my equilibrium. Is LeBron a Net already?
Ty Keenan: It's a shame they're moving out of Jersey -- he'd be at home with the pollution
Krolik: I would also watch Yi and Jay-Z's reality show
Recluse: What reality show would you not watch, Krolik?
Carter Blanchard: I wouldn't watch a Donnie Walsh show
Recluse: I WOULD



Billups: Jay bilas has a secret Brook Lopez blog

[Dorris Burke interviews Robin Lopez]

Billups: THAT DUDE HAS MAD WEEN BOOTLEGS

[SAS interviews Brook Lopez]

Recluse: Is that really how people in California talk?
Krolik: No
Krolik: Sometimes
Billups: Vince Carter is the loneliest boy in New Jersey
Ty Keenan: Yi has to be psyched though -- I think Brook likes Shrek, too

[Pacers draft Jerryd Bayless]

Krolik: T.J. Ford will always have a better guard behind him, it's his destiny
Billups: Too bad he can't turn his head to see him coming up behind him
Billups: I'm going to hell
Ty Keenan: I'm pretty excited that Indiana drafted a light-skinned black guy
Ty Keenan: In keeping with their new organizational philosophy
Billups: It's an homage to draftin Reggie Miller at the 11th pick 28 years ago

[Blazers draft Brandon Rush]

Billups: What if Kareem ran up on stage and mimed a fadeaway shot just to undermine the kid?

Krolik: Nellie is on the clock. Ajinca/McGee watch is at orange

[Warriors draft Anthony Randolph]

Recluse: They have Anthony Randolph AND Brandan Wright?
Recluse: I hope they play those two together as their forwards
Krolik: Randolph will run point

Recluse: “Considerable linear extension in space”?
Billups: Jay Bilas is reading mad graphic novels

[The Suns draft Robin Lopez.]

Billups: HOW'S MY ASS TASTE, BROOK!?
Ty Keenan: He looks like Cecil Cooper with that hat on
Billups: His mom is Penny Marshall
Ty Keenan: This is okay though, because Robin really likes Kazaam

[Sixers draft Marreese Speights]

Billups: This kid and Thaddeus are going to bring peace to the universe.

[Pacers trade Bayless and Diogu to the Blazers for Rush, Jarrett Jack and Josh McRoberts]

Ty Keenan: It's like stern told indiana that they had to be boring as a negative example for the rest of the league

Carter Blanchard: Has everyone accepted that JO is washed up? am i the only one who's MONJOing Jermaine?
Krolik: I like him with Bosh, but I think his days of being a go-to post scorer are over
Billups: Yeah, he could have a real Val Kilmer-esque revival as a supporting actor.
Krolik: The age of the 7-foot post-up power forward is closing
Billups: Maybe Val Kilmer isn''t a good example



[Wizards draft Javale McGee, who is not in the building]

Recluse: No shit Javale's not there, I've never even heard of him
Billups: Darrell Arthur is welling up right now
Billups: JaVale is at the Kino parlor at the Sands in Reno
Recluse: OH SHIT! i remember that guy! that highlight brought it all back
Recluse: yeah, he was decent. weird.
Krolik: DraftExpress called him "maybe the worst defender we have ever scouted"

Krolik: here come the Cavs! CDR please

[Cavs pass on CDR and take J.J. Hickson.]

Recluse: NC State was so fucked up last year, you can't really tell anything from their season, but Hickson's good. Playing on a good team with a superstar will be good for him.

[Bobcats on the clock.]

Billups: Jordan takes CDR right?

[Bayless is interviewed about the trade and looks totally depressed]

Recluse: Why isn't bayless happy? the blazers are like 10X better than the Pacers, and Portland the city is like 1000X cooler than Indianapolis
Carter Blanchard: I think he's just kind of boring. Not necessarily upset
Billups: That would be awesome if after the camera cut away Katz turned to him and said, "You know you're upset you bitch"
Recluse: Katz actually told him, "Dude, they have unionized strippers in Portland, it's awesome."

Krolik: I'm rooting for Love to get some serious ink work before his rookie contract is up
Billups: Fernando Torres, from the Spanish soccer team, has his own name tattooed on his arm...
Billups: in Elvish
Billups: I'm hoping that's a trend that jumps the pond and catches on here

Billups: Darrell Arthur isn't gonna get drafted and he's gonna have to move back to One Tree Hill and work at his dad's garage

[Utah drafts Kosta Koufos]

Billups: Him and Mehmet are going to unionize the strippers in Salt Lake
Ty Keenan: Isn't that going to create some kind of greece/turkey rivalry?
Recluse: "don't ever talk about cyprus"

Billups: Doris Burke sounds like she's the Lopez sister.

Billups: This is kinda fucked up for them to be talking about a man's kidney in front of a bunch of white knicks fans who hate white people
Recluse: Wasn't this an episode of Diff'rent Strokes?

[Boston drafts J.R. Giddens]

Recluse: Wow, I forgot he existed. He was good at Kansas before he got in a bar fight and had to transfer
Ty Keenan: i could definitely see a masshole challenging him to a barfight
Recluse: The next ex-Kansas swingman to get stabbed in Boston?

Krolik: Larry Brown getting booed via satellite!
Recluse: Larry brown hates the draft
Krolik: Not as much as Chris Douglas-Roberts does



[Clippers take Deandre Jordan at #35]
Recluse: So much for MONAB

Krolik: Mbah a Moute over CDR?
Recluse: Let's just say that for every player now

Krolik: Sonny Weems?
Krolik: Good name right there
Recluse: Seriously, did CDR fuck someone's wife?
Ty Keenan: Stern's

[New Jersey finally drafts CDR]

Krolik: it's over
Krolik: really one of the most bizarre draft occurrences I've seen
Recluse: he's going to be huge in China
Krolik: now it's time for Walker watch

[Wizards draft Bill Walker at #47]

Ty Keenan: He found a wonderful home
Krolik: Him and DeShawn are similar
Krolik: Except Walker is awesome instead of evil
Recluse: More like big brother/little brother

[Warriors draft Richard Hendrix]

Krolik: Nellie with more 4s to bench so as to assert his power

Ty Keenan: pretty much everyone after pick 20 has blended together for me

[Wizards trade Bill Walker to the Celtics]

Ty Keenan: Between him, Powe, and House i'm probably going to have to start telling people that I like the Celtics bench

Krolik: Okay, last pick.
Krolik: Pick Davon Jefferson!
Krolik: It's a heartwarming story--"Athlete given every possible chance, given one more"
Krolik: Making it to the NBA without the benefit of enjoying conditioning or schoolwork
Krolik: I would watch Davon and Gerald Green's reality show.

mcdyess garnett nothingness

Now that we've reached the Final Four stage of the playoffs, we figured we should chat the first game, as uneventful as it was. If you're looking for something more substantive, check out Shoals on the Western Conference and our continuing series of playoff previews on Deadspin.

Recluse: is chicago getting the #1 freedarko or not?
DLIC: sure, derrick rose going home

Recluse: i think it depends on the coach

DLIC: avery johnson. he will ruin derrick rose.

Shoals: that assistant GM is the biggest herb ever

Shoals: ultimate determinant of organizational FD-ness: who you send to the lottery

DLIC: i can't believe miami sent caron butler a few years ago. that is totally fd.

DLIC: d'antoni looked embarrassed

Shoals: bilas sounds retarded calling rose "a more explosive williams"

Shoals: since deron has become explosive

Recluse: he should have said rose was a svelte williams. williams is a hoss.

Shoals: why does no one want beasley? i think this rose buzz is a little overdone

DLIC: shawn marion is going to become a celtic. i can feel it.

DLIC: nobody wants beasley because of durant and melo
Recluse: beasley has some amare-like baggage

Shoals: beasley was fine in school and had that comment about letting him be a kid

Recluse: k$u hardly counts as a "school"

DLIC: durant and beasley being tight doesn't bode well
Shoals: why doesn't it bode well? durant is like the ultimate character witness

DLIC: because they're gonna eat doritos in the offseason. no hard work.
Recluse: durant, beasley, and ty lawson all went to high school together. all they do is play basketball.

DLIC: kg's shot chart is disgusting. he's clearly exhausted taking all those jumpers.

Shoals: my god, garnett has become schlempf

Shoals: do they keep showing all these hulk commercials because of the celtics?

Recluse: ed norton = celtics

DLIC: ed norton is the shit. that dude picks his movies so well. check his imdb page. HIGHLY selective. like daniel day lewis. (25th hour sucked, though.)

Recluse: don't insult DDL like that. ed norton is overrated.

DLIC: the 25th hour is a disgrace to norton and spike lee's legacy

Recluse: spike lee is a disgrace to spike lee's legacy

DLIC: spike lee needs to do another biopic

Shoals: he's going to do jack molinas

DLIC: uconn produces exclusively boring players (save for khalid el amin):

villanueva

donyell marshall

ray allen

rip hamilton

Recluse: okafor

Shoals: RUDY

Recluse: ben gordon

DLIC: flip saunders and doc rivers are out-uncoaching each other

DLIC: jvg seems to be criticizing doc a lot. if jvg was coaching the celtics, they would win the championship. i think he's just trying to make mark jackson look like a fool for his coacher-ly pretensions

Recluse: mark jackson's coaching philosophy = "be a hype man"

Shoals: wtf "i'm trusting you. reward my faith"

DLIC: jackson and jvg are tight. don't worry

Recluse: who would make a better coach: mark jackson or sam cassell?
DLIC: mark jackson. sam cassell coaching defense?
Shoals: hearing mark jackson talk about basketball reminds me of this book about terrorism i was reading

Shoals: about how this one radical cleric didn't know any theology and just yelled, saying some key words over and over. and it worked.

Shoals: abu hamza

Shoals: i only like players who could be terrorists

Recluse: that's the argument for cassell?

Shoals: no, it's an argument against jackson. cassell wouldn't try and teach. he pushes people around and grunts

DLIC: cassell is too arrogant

Recluse: okay, well, that's settled

Shoals: seriously, don't you feel like jvg is trying to undermine jackson's newfound seriousness? or at least play the non-straight man to the extreme?

Shoals: he's one of the best basketball minds out there, and he's making all the jokes

DLIC: jvg's sole mission is to screw over the nba with subliminals. he's getting his revenge through commentating

DLIC: the pistons could have come out so much harder (pause) and taken this series by the throat. the celtics are so vulnerable right now

Shoals: double pause

DLIC: tired. old. all the pressure is on them.

Recluse: i think you could put my five favorite players on the celtics, and i would hate them solely because of their fans

Shoals: ok, so what are the major themes of this game?

DLIC: um, two teams that would get torched by the warriors

Shoals: what do you think of the nickname "tayshaunasaurus rex"

DLIC: remember that terrible fight between mcdyess and kg?

Shoals: why was it terrible?

DLIC: ummm, http://slumz.boxden.com/showthread.php?t=841305
DLIC: wait: http://uncutvideo.aol.com/videos/9ac6bd1c2d139ffba96745b998e2453a

DLIC: the slumz one says "girlfight" which is funny

Shoals: it never really started. i liked the name of the uncut one: "mcdyess garnett nothingness"

Shoals: wait, boston is up 11?

DLIC: yes, this game is over

Shoals: how did that happen?

Recluse: the pistons are always bitches in game 1. this one's going 7.

DLIC: i dont know, detroit kept fouling. detroit could have won the series tonight

Shoals: i was thinking that, actually. like wow, if either detroit or los angeles wins their first game on the road, they've really been like "hey bitch, see what i've done, and you haven't." i mean, l.a. has home court, so it doesn't matter as much

DLIC: the loss of bynum dooms the lakers

Shoals: in the playoffs?

DLIC: yes. against the spurs

Shoals: dude, have you watched them?

DLIC: that's a hard six fouls on duncan. yes i've watched them. they haven't played anybody good. at least this series will probably expose the demise of bowen.

Recluse: TURIAF

Shoals: the spurs almost lost to the hornets

Shoals: the lakers can destroy the hornets

DLIC: nobody on the lakers can stop parker though. nobody.

DLIC: and parker won't have anyone to guard

Shoals: fisher

Recluse: fisher

DLIC: parker is the fastest player in the entire playoffs

Shoals: somehow i've gone from hating derek fisher during his first time with the lakers to thinking he's kind of a pimp.

DLIC: fisher king

Shoals: i think it had to do with realizing he'd like the same age as me. and kobe's best friend.

Shoals: people have guarded parker in the past

Recluse: fisher has HEART

Shoals: and hips. he's like a rolling stones song about racism

Recluse: if he can guard deron williams, he can guard parker

Shoals: well, i'd say, if he can stop deron, and deron can stop paul, then he can stop parker. also, i feel like parker was showing off against the hornets. or, more charitably, rising to the occasion of playing paul. like his drives were a lot more ornate. plus he had double-digit assists.

Shoals: i just had this crazy thought about what if european players only see each other when they play like in this series, parker's like "you and me, gasol"

DLIC: that is some m. night shamalyan shit

DLIC: maxiell and stuckey will win more rings that garnett

Shoals: what if the pistons modeled the latest polo line? that would be a good look, right?

Shoals: i think this is the story of this game: celtics tired. billups injured.

Shoals: it's like a game of paper/scissors/rock.

Shoals: here's what i don't get: if the celtics have heart, shoudn't they see an opportunity and make a statement. instead of just sort of coasting with a ten point lead?

DLIC: you answered your own question. they don't have heart. posey has heart. pj brown. sam cassell, except he doesn't have a body.

Shoals: are they chanting "palsy?"

Shoals: rondo needs to play on a team of point guards

DLIC: the nuggets need rondo

Shoals: the nuggets are rondo

Shoals: actually, we're just saying all this because a rondo/j.r. backcourt would be. . .heaven: picture-perfect for their positions but perfectly retarded

DLIC: rondo + melo, rondo + jr, rondo + k-mart (throat slash gesture)

Shoals: why does big baby have a sticker on his face in that ad? isn't that what you get garnett for? to keep people from doing shit like that?

Shoals: this game is so weirdly muted. it's like it's being played in secret. with armed guards outside. like they're trying to sneak it past us

DLIC: wallace might be less clutch than garnett. here's what i hate about today's nba: when baron davis explodes like he did last year or when pierce goes for 40. or when nash becomes john stockton at age 50. you get the feeling like FUCK, these dudes have been holding out on us. they're playing extra safe. worrying about injuries, contracts, whatever. even if not explicitly, subconsciously they aren't playing at 100% for like four years. but the second they get a chance at a title

DLIC: it's like, ok time to play hard.

Recluse: i don't know, i think it's physically impossible to go that hard every game
DLIC: davis sucked for like three years
Shoals: he was hurt all the time, though. and didn't get along with the coach. i just think it's that there are so many variables in basketball. anything can happen.
DLIC: i feel like duncan is the only person who hasn't held out on us. and for that reason, he reigns supreme

DLIC: is obama speaking yet?

LIVE IT.

Skeets doesn't know this yet, but his live blog has, before it even started, motivated me to do one of my own. Of course, in FD-land that means I'll take notes, edit them heavily, and then post them an hour after the game's done. I wonder if Skeets knows that the greatest mitzvah is the one that goes undiscovered for several hours.

While I'm waiting for my cheesesteak to cool and sucking up my last cable news fumes of the day, let's talk about the scheduling of this game. Maybe I've said this before, maybe I haven't—I believe with all my heart that the East Coast is killing basketball. Late contests are hard to watch, especially if you're gainfully employed or a less-than-loony fan. Also, with the exception of the Lakers, Eastern teams are still more famous. So if shit basketball is what's at hand, and the Western teams are unseen and unknown, of course it would give the impression that the NBA blows.

Tonight's 5PM start is a present to the East, and a direct response to last year's Dallas/Golden State series. It changed the world, and no one saw it. They eventually heard about it, and might have tuned in for the last one or two. But by and large, America had no idea in advance, and it took a concerted effort for them to just watch the damn game. Come to think of it, they should have the Eastern Conference games later. Those are the ones that can't keep the casual viewer around. And only a die-hard homer cares about the Eastern Conference playoffs, anyway.

These notes will start once the game does.

-Question: Is this going to be one big, noisy, sleek game of chicken, or whatever the opposite of chicken is? I guess that would be "so much offense that it becomes passive and reflexive instead of aggressive"

-I don't think I've ever seen Marcus Camby with a man on him more than two feet from the basket. Ever.

-Monta has reached the point where you give him the ball on purpose for the tough shot.

-Seeing Kenyon Martin rage again is like finding out your favorite uncle got a haircut and quit drinking. Not because of the haircut, of course.

-Does anyone else remember that DIME article where Anthony Carter talks about earning money as a teen by playing on dealer-sponsored teams? Just makes you realize how utterly mundane shit like that must be around the league. Like everyone knew all along that Stephen Jackson was wearing gang colors. I guess in San Antonio, it might only have been Bowen who knew.

-I've got a new stat. It's what percentage of a possession is irreproducible, or at least unique and perfect like a snowflake. Like how much of it another team could ever/never hope to replicate. I'm assuming that, on the strength of Iverson alone, the Nuggets would lead the league.

-Watching J.R. Smith try and guard Baron Davis is so cute. Smith's so over-matched that he'd gone all textbook.

-Here, I'll say it one more time: The Warriors don't have the same swagger as last year. They're neither as reckless nor as gloriously imperfect. I blame it on Monta, who means they don't have to throw behind-the-back half-court alley-oops. A simpler way of saying that would be "Matt Barnes isn't on the floor as much."

-So far tonight Harlan and Collins have called J.R. "The Speed Merchant" and said "when he gets unraveled, look out!"

-Collins saying "the mood swings that are going to happen in this game" was kind of deep. For both of these teams, you get the sense that scoring (or not) and defending (or not) are a kind of personal momentum they can't really control. I'm not saying that they're monkeys governed only by emotions or something, but when they're "on", it's not just as clinical as "shooter finding his rhythm" or "having their opponent's number." Someone gets possessed, and it spreads. That's kind of how execution works here, or at least the preconditions it requires.

-I don't see how anyone could coach these teams without understanding that, which might explain why they have the coaches they do. And why I don't know if firing Karl makes sense, or exactly how you judge the job he's done. I want to say something about the inmates running the asylum here, but the whole thing's actually a rec actvity? Phil Jackson wishes he were this next level.

-That's probably too stark a distinction, but the Warriors and Nuggets are definitely at one extreme (paging Tom Ziller. . .) It's definitely consistent with Iverson's game, even if it makes Carmelo's whole master technician thing especially complicated.

-How about a sociological model: A popular revolution that starts overnight and keeps the old government around to balance the books? Not a bad idea, actually. Is that how the House and Senate were originally conceived of?

-Excuse me if this reads like a Baudrillard book about Nuggets/Warriors. I fucking hate that guy.

-Halftime. Time for some more MSNBC. I'll probably put this up sans pictures at the buzzer, and fill those in after 30 Rock. Typing on a couch is hell on my hands, so someone had better enjoy this.

-I'm boycotting the TNT studio crew. Barkley's funny, and does an excellent Tracy Morgan in the most recent T-Mobile ads, but being stubborn, knee-jerk and uninformed aren't exactly winning qualities. And they eat away at his whole "I'm outrageous and frank" cred.

-Welcome back. I'm man enough to admit that, in my mind, there's absolutely no difference between Chucky Atkins and Anthony Carter.

-If neither team can play defense, why are there so many bad shots flying up? It's not like these teams are incapable of ball movement.

-So I just tried asking Skeets, in flagrante de live blog, if Andre Miller really is the best oop-thrower in the league, because Collins won't shut up about it. He wouldn't answer.

-When Anthony makes a block like that, or suddenly blows past someone, I wonder if he doesn't practice some tantric, energy-conserving approach to athleticism.

-I'm not about to switch over to the Dallas/Utah game, but the box score makes it look like it's underwater, upside, and everyone's been chugging date rape drugs. Except for Dirk. Those thing all make him stronger.

-"Emotion and passion are two different things. Passion is unbridled joy that's kept under control" [sic]--Doug Collins. I don't remember what he said about emotion, but it was bad.

-That wasn't even cherry-picking on this last play by J.R. He was shuffling his feet right under the basket. Hadn't even thought about moving. If the game's moving fast enough, it's like it's not moving at all, right?

-I need to close this BDL blog, they're making me feel stupid.

-Wait, is this a third AVP movie? That's much more my comfort zone.

-Fuck it, I give up. I'm posting this and watching the rest of the game.

All Else Is Unreal

First, read Shoals’s soul-searching here. Then take a trip through tonight’s Hawks/Warriors game:

- Warriors’ color guy Jim Barnett’s keys to the game were all titled after Best Picture winners. I was talking during them and couldn’t hear, but they were: Rocky, Lord of the Rings, and Unforgiven. So I guess the game will be about underdogs (even though the Warriors are the favorite), homoeroticism, and genre revisionism. Actually, that last one makes some sense.
- It’s only five minutes in and it’s safe to predict there won’t be three set plays the whole night.
- Anyone who doesn’t value the importance of style to a team’s performance needs to watch the Warriors with Webber on the floor. He’s actually playing pretty well right now (some rebounds and smooth passes), but you can sense a general state of lethargy enveloping the majority of the team. I stand by my belief that he only needs to play substantial minutes against teams that can make the Warriors play at a slower pace.
- These teams completely demolish our assumptions about the function of the pass. On a regular team, the pass connects parts of the coherent system. On these teams, the pass just gets the ball from individual to individual – the concept reigns over the parts. It’s like the difference between Hitchcock and Malick.



- Childress, Johnson, Marvin, J-Smoove, Horford. My favorite lineup in NBA history. Woodson should start that group and consign his name to legend.
- This game might be too loose for the Warriors. Their style thrives off of other’s teams’ stiffness; I’m not sure the Hawks are even conscious of what the other team does. If the Warriors are Gravity’s Rainbow, then the Hawks are Tender Buttons.
- Is this a pickup game? It doesn’t feel like one. Maybe it’s just what pickup games look like when they’re played by real athletes.
- This is seriously the only time the Warriors have looked conventional. They at least have plays where they get the ball to Baron and let him work. The Hawks just throw it around. They practice basketball nihilism. Say what you want about the Warriors’ style – at least it’s an ethos.
- Monta Ellis dips his hands in hot wax before games. Apparently it helps his fingers get loose. That’s probably the weirdest pregame ritual that doesn’t involve Moises Alou soaking his hands in urine.



- This game is proof that Brandan Wright needs to play more. He fits the style perfectly; there’s no reason he can’t be a more versatile version of Biedrins.
- Conceptually, the Warriors’ problem is that they don’t have Stephen Jackson – his complete lack of conscience would match the Hawks. There’s a big gap in the Warriors here that wasn’t so obvious against the Celtics.
- Everyone said the worst part of the Bibby trade was that he’s not a pure point guard, but his style might make more sense within the team’s overall concept. He’s not exactly monopolizing the ball, which means that Johnson, Smith, et al. still have plenty of freedom to drive without much thought. This might be the only team for which having a top-shelf point guard would make them less interesting.
- The Hawks are up 18 at the half. We can only hope that Jackson is back on March 4 for the rematch in Atlanta.
- I don’t want to live in a world in which the Suns play a 43-30 half.



- There were 18 combined fast break points in the first half. How do you even differentiate a fast break from a normal play in this game?
- After a few minutes of the second half, it seems like it’s not quite as crazy anymore. This will help the Warriors on a night when they don’t have Jackson and Biedrins.
- Wright is perfect for a game like this. He doesn’t have to worry about getting pushed around in the post and he can use his length to do things like finish over Josh Smith. Nellie gets deserved credit for letting his players play, but his unwillingness to try rookies for any substantial amount of time is upsetting and doesn’t seem to fit with his overall philosophy.
- I don’t know why Atlanta looks more conventional this half. Some of it probably has to do with the Warriors trying harder on defense, but they seem to be coasting on the lead. Golden State has something to counteract now and they’re coming back.
- I could watch Monta challenge Josh Smith at the rim forever.



- My pro-Stanford bias definitely affects this take, but Josh Childress is one of the more underrated players in the league. I’d love to see him go to a contender this offseason and turn into the coolest legitimate role player around.
- Al Harrington is the poor man’s Antawn Jamison. Especially if Jamison decided entire sections of games should only involve threes.
- In retrospect, the Warriors didn’t have much of a chance in this game without Jackson. He means too much to their overall philosophy. And the lack of Biedrins obviously didn’t help the defense.
- Looking at the Suns/Celtics score right now (67-56 with eight minutes left) just makes me cry. We all need the Lakers to beat these teams and win a championship for the good of exciting basketball.

R.I.P. THE BIRTHDAY CAKE

Blah blah blah, Dwight Howard brought the Dunk Contest. Whatevs. For those in the know, 2/16/08 was about one man and one small baked good. Well, two men actually. Regardless, here is the official FD post-mortem on the real star(s) of the evening.

Dr. Lawyer IndianChief: As I was saying, the most miserable person in the building blew out a pink frosted cupcake.
Bethlehem Shoals: Was that dunk a metaphor for Gerald Green himself? Some "weeping clown" shit?
Tom Ziller: That makes sense. A sordid celebration of a career in the can.
Dr. LIC: There was like a glitch in the space time continuum. Harlan and Barkley said he didn't blow it out. But then replays showed he did
TZ: I never knew Kobe Bryant was such a huge fan of cupcakes. He seemed inordinately pleased, as far as Kobe Bryant goes.
BS: You obviously don't have kids. And I don't either. But I live by this cupcake place, and those things are like the Oxycontin of the grade school world.
Dr. LIC: Gerald Green and McCants are still children. Is that what you're saying?
BS: That's true too. And likely drug abusers. But I just mean that Kobe had an in-joke with himself. Kobe the dunker versus Kobe the parent, united for one special moment.

***

BS: Does this doom McCants by association?
TZ: I don't know, McCants became the star.
Dr. LIC: McCants was the only one frowning during the superman dunk. McCants had more airtime than Damon Jones.
TZ: If the Wolves stay together, McCants is like their ringleader or carnival barker
BS: If you put McCants' brain in Green's body. . . oh wait, that's what that dunk was.
TZ: Rashad took it so seriously too, like that was a dunk involving a cupcake, but he understood the heavy importance of the matter. Like Jameer Nelson would have been cracking up. Kyle Lowry would have tried to rebound the cupcake.
BS: Cupcakes are a lot like clowns. They seem happy, but they're also melancholy. Think about how severe it is. One bit of cake. One tiny candle. But made into its own lonely, finite unit.
Dr. LIC: Ironically, there was no actual cake. It was nobody's birthday. Yet it was THE BIRTHDAY CAKE.
BS: It reminds me of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. (NOTE: I meant the Kennedy Memorial).



TZ: Isn't the single birthday cupcake a romantic movie cliche?
Dr. LIC: There were homo-erotic overtones during the whole contest. I hate to get all "Mobley likes Francis bwahahahahaha"
TZ: Jameer and Dwight were off the charts
Dr. LIC: But yeah, exactly.
BS: Dwight Howard is totally homo-erotic. Clarification: I'm not saying he's gay.
Dr. LIC: Everyone kept talking about Dwight's body. Kenny Smith. . .
BS: Exactly
Dr. LIC: And later Mark Jones.
BS: Nice guys who work out and wear costumes. Sorry, that's the stereotype right there. Was that dunk contest a topography of today's gay scene? Cupcakes=twinks?
Dr LIC: Green kept throwing up the Hawaiian aloha sign. But I couldn't tell if that's just because he has four fingers. I think it was his good hand.
BS: Were they in Hawaii?
Dr. LIC: Green thought it was the Pro Bowl.

***

Dr. LIC: Green's Houston tattoo is off the chain. I just randomly found this while web-searching for it:

"Shawn Marion has a fantastic belt buckle. It’s big, it’s probably silver, and it sports a stylized skyline of the Windy City. Above the buildings, it reads “Chicago.” Below it: "S. Marion." It’s sort of urban cowboy, which is kind of how we’ve always pictured Shawn Marion in his daily, non-basketball life." (via CityPages)

BS: Is he from Chicago?
Dr. LIC: Dude is from Waukegan
BS: I'd always assumed he sprang up in the desert amd marched to UNLV (NOTE: I know that, in real life, he stopped off for JUCO in Indiana first).
Dr. LIC: Exactly.



TZ: Dawkins should be a permanent dunk contest judge.
BS: The dunk contest is really white i've decided. Or just very stoner, maybe. Case in point, Dawkins. Or maybe just like that scene in "Waiting to Exhale" where they drink a bunch of wine. How many players do you think smoke before coming to watch the dunk contest?
TZ: Everyone but Kobe. Caron's moment of realization on what Gerald was going to do was incredible. His eyes light up and then he pre-enacts it.
Dr. LIC: Kobe kidnapped all star weekend and tried to make up for it by looking really happy during the dunk contest. My brother pointed out a key moment in the Dwight Howard superman video: When he chest bumps Kobe after the dunk, Howard totally gets kneed in the balls.
BS: We should get back to THE BIRTHDAY CAKE. Was that the underground king of the evening?
TZ: Absolutely. No one will forget it.