FreeDrafto #87232C: Feel the Beauty Hawk
Perspire all over the FreeDrafto mock. Go behind the scenes of DeMarcus Cousins getting clothes, and feel his fun. Know that I suffer. Just finished a column that didn't turn out like I wanted it to, and a movie (Fallen Angel) that left me with nothing but a crush on a flimsy character.
But fashion beckons, fashion waits for no man, and it's my favorite time of year: time to critique these draft portraits, sun.
There are actually a lot of white people in this draft, but Aldrich is the one who is so white no one wants to talk about him. Good thing he's embraced that, wearing a vest made from an heirloom kilt. That it's a fitted vest really takes this look into OWN IT territory. Who wore fitted vests, ever, except for, like, the Crusaders? Love the use of ears as an accessory.
Seriously, what the fuck am I supposed to say about this? He looks like Venom ate Urkel and decided to invite you to his house, which is either inside a pumpkin or on Mars. Actually, when I see it spelled out like that, I think they really nailed Aminu. Mostly the clothes are a prop—"look how fucking strange I can act while dressed by a stylist." Except one thing stands out: why would they put him in what looks like Keens? So he wouldn't slip in his pumpkin? I should end this on a positive note: I always say, if you only get your pants tailored in one place, make it the kneecaps.
If the goal of this outfit was to make DeMarcus Cousins look like my father, a sixty-two year-old academic, it succeeds. The equation of dribbling with sensitive and intelligent is pretty clever, too. There's definitely a gay Mr. Potato head quality to this photo, but at the same time, you can tell that Cousins is enjoying himself. And yeah, there's some shock value there. That alone makes this a winning photo.
Luke Babbitt sort of seems like he got the same direction Aminu did, maybe, "pretend you just opened the door for some kids trick-or-treating." Except in Luke's case, I just think he's telling me the cautionary tale of Frankenstein. Cautionary because you should hope you never get dug up and stuck on a reanimated monster because you might somehow be award of what's going on. Clothes would like great on Frankenstein, but basically just say "I can't do any more coke tonight, I'm applying to law school next spring."
And yes, shit for face, I know Frankenstein is actually the scientist. Who would you rather have a funny-sounding name go with, a mad scientist or a monster?
No, Ed Davis. You're not trick or treating, you're the adult on the other side of the door. See, this is why he's a shitty pick. Oh, and this is the kind of sweater I see in pictures of me when I was six, and have to stop myself from asking my mother if it's in the attic somewhere because I'd like to have it now. I detect a slight hint of a gigantic sheriff's star belt. I don't think it's there, but that would be the weirdest thing in the world. Maybe they had to bribe him into posing.
Someone should get fired for this one. That's like the worst cut of dress shirt to not tuck in. Way to show your maturity, Favors. At least you kind of look like Jay Williams, which means we have to find this shot endearing. Oh, and I'd advise leaving Aminu's pumpkin before he gets back and finds you. I hear he's saving up dead birds to play with.
Those pants are way too shiny. It kind of looks like he really wishes he were a judge, but instead got stuck on Broadway.
Did you know that was Paul George? I still don't.
This Gordon Hayward outfit was brought to you by Buffalo Exchange. And not a good one.
No one is even fucking with Wes Johnson, and not for best dressed, either. Pee Wee Herman + Dick Tracy + Willy Loman. And those shoes are slick enough to show he's in on the joke. I have major reservations about him greeting kids on Halloween like this because 1) he looks kind of scary 2) his penis is plainly outlined. But whatever. Somehow, Johnson looks really young in that weird Pee Wee way, which isn't good for the sake of greeting children, but reminds you that twenty-two is not old AT ALL. That said, you don't get that sense of humor from playing one year of college ball. You need to see at least one improv group performance.
I would like to know if the ball is coming or going, and what that represents. Or if it's a demonstration from a show about time travel.
Greg Monroe wants you to know that he is all grown up. And that if this basketball thing doesn't work out, he'll walk across the street and get a job training motivational speakers. Sometimes, looking normal is the best way for a pro athlete to make you realize how much more important he is than you.
First of all, Patrick Patterson, look in the mirror after you piss and pull your pants up. Secondly, you look like you're trying on clothes from two years ago you might get rid of. That or it's some recent immigrant group I can't quote put my finger on. Strangely, a reasonable chain would've made a lot of sense here.
Blah blah blah, I'm Evan Turner, I'm the second pick in the draft, I'm in Aminu's pumpkin but it's really just an orange background to represent basketball. They showed me Adam Morrison's outfit from 2006 to try and loosen me up, but i thought they were telling me to change. So I did. It was okay. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to punch myself in the nuts, or maybe the gut, and miss.
This is a really scary photo.
I doubt he picked the J. It's a little busy; I know he couldn't have gone full white on white, or else people might have thought it was a reference to that Nike ad where Chris Paul and everyone else plays in a hangar with those astronaut warm-ups. I really like the pants, the tie and shirt are okay, they just should have gone with a simpler cardigan. The more I like at the tie/shirt, the more new wave they're starting to look. Or cruise ship waiter. Whatever. We all know Wall can rock a tux with authority from those Derby pictures. Would like to know what shoes he's wearing.
This outfit actually looks better in some other shots where he's got his somber face. But I like that this is an action-formal pose (who the fuck thought of that) where Wall looks like he might actually drive to the basket at any moment, while at the same time kind of having fun with the absurdity of the pose. It's like he can't help himself on either count. Good signs, no?
Who is the best-dressed? What do you think?