Where Amazing Happens Pt. III

The last installment of the Billups-DrLIC-Shoals-Recluse-curated FREEDARKO EVERY PLAYER PREVIEW.

A-G here.
H-O here.
P-Z below:

Pachulia, Zaza: Really owes T.I.P. a “my bad” for not locking the armory the other night.
Pargo, Jannero: Will suffer crippling migraines while trying to unlock the hidden meanings of Liquid Swords.
Parker, Anthony: Will quit basketball after unlocking the hidden meanings of Liquid Swords.
Parker, Smush: Will take solace in the fact that, though he may personally not feel at home in Miami, his Scarface poster does.
Parker, Tony: Will go out for a pack of Gauloises and never come back.
Patterson, Andre: Will become something of a foodie.
Patterson, Ruben: Adventures in babysitting.
Paul, Chris: Fuck you know about Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me.
Perkins, Kendrick: Will worry friends with his tendency to go on “cleanses.”
Perovic, Kosta: Will tell D-League bus-mates, in labored English, “they say I am like Nesterovic.’
Peterson, Morris: Will start a blog advocating the annexation of Canada.
Petro, Johan: Is totally gonna show Durant the ropes.
Petway, Brent: Will order coffee from the singer from the Thermals.
Piatkowski, Eric: Will wind up in a medically induced coma after mixing Alize and HGH one too many times.
Pierce, Paul: Has already made a pact with Kevin Garnett that—if this season happens to go pear shaped—they will re-enact the final scene from Year of the Dragon on the Tobin Bridge.

Pietrus, Mickael: Will let Matt Barnes have until the All-Star break before he tells him to stop talking about the “primal energy” of Justice and the Parisian dance scene.
Pollard, Scot: Will try to enmesh Ray Allen in his long-running Vitalogy obsession. “This shit just keeps revealing itself, Husky.”
Posey, James: Will show this city of driving under the influence what driving under the influence truly is.
Powe, Leon: Will privately wonder when Leon Powe is gonna get his.
Price, Ronnie: Will wisely wait until the holidays to go HD.
Prince, Tayshaun: Will come to the conclusion that Rick Rubin’s vision of a subscription model-based music industry is deeply flawed.
Pruitt, Gabe: You must be this tall to ride Big Thunder Mountain.
Przybilla, Joel: During one long plane ride will to turn to Brandon Roy, rub his hands together and, in full Bond-Villain mode, rhetorically ask, One can never really predict a micro-fracture can one? BUHAHAHAHAH.

Quinn, Chris: is in a race against time.

Radmanovic, Vladimir: is going to be Kobe Bryant’s manservant.
Randolph, Shavlik: writes his own theme song.
Randolph, Zach: is going to be Isiah Thomas’ pride and joy.
Ratliff, Theo: will lead them to the promised land.
Redd, Michael: converts to Judaism.
Redick, J.J.: still getting confused with those Duke LaCrosse players.
Reed, Justin: still has the Total Devastation tape in his car cassette deck.
Richard, Chris: will bodyslam somebody in the NBDL.
Richardson, Anthony: ponders a career in photo-journalism.
Richardson, Jason: reenacts fight scenes from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon with Gerald Wallace.
Richardson, Jeremy: asks for the league maximum.
Richardson, Quentin: guest of honor at Van Halen show at MSG
Ridnour, Luke: misses Jerome Jame.
Roberson, Anthony: wins team fantasy basketball pool but is banned from the league for doing so.
Robinson, Antywane: endorses Fred Thompson.
Robinson, Bernard: inducted into Bobcats ring of honor.
Robinson, Brandon: has “it.”
Robinson, Nate: will get a face tattoo.
Rodriguez, Sergio: watches Reign Over Me with subtitles—the jokes don’t translate.
Rondo, Rajon: just happy to be there.
Rose, Malik: pelted with paperballs by a class of Read to Achieve kindergartners
Ross, Quinton: develops a cure for plantar fasciitis.
Roy, Brandon: will have to have microfracture surgery.
Ruffin, Michael: wows President Bush with a hilarious Borat impression.
Rush, Kareem: haunts my dreams.
Rush: huge pyrotechnic halftime performance at NBA All-star game.
Russell, Walker: will cause people to call him Russell Walker.

Salmons, John: becomes only NBA player to own a Zune
Samb, Cheikh: actually exists.
Sampson, Jamal: earns commemorative 55th DNP-CD
Scalabrine, Brian: will play himself out of the league.
Scola, Luis: is going to become the Argentinian spokesman for the milk industry.
Sefolosha, Thabo: winks at Violet Palmer.
Sene, Mouhamed: blogs about epic battles with Johan Petro
Sessions, Ramon: secret weapon.
Shakur, Mustafa: will earn the nickname Mustafalypse Now.
Simien, Wayne: draws a mustache on a passed-out Pat Riley
Simmons, Bobby: helps himself to another Powerbar
Simmons, Cedric: dedicates his season to Sidney Lowe
Sims, Courtney: registers the much-coveted triple-single
Skinner, Brian: does not defend Duncan as well as Kurt Thomas, a fact that is mentioned by Steve Kerr 14 times in one broadcast.
Slaughter, Marcus: implicated in Aztec booster controvery.
Smith, Craig: benchpresses Sebastian Telfair.
Smith, J.R.: buckles under emotional pressure, leading to a downward mental spiral.
Smith, Jason: is better than ever.
Smith, Joe: will be a key playoff factor for the Bulls.
Smith, Josh: starts wearing a cape to games.
Smith, Steven: refuses to play on Thanksgiving.
Snow, Eric: takes the bus to work.
Snyder, Kirk: looks up old profiles of himself on NBADraft.net
Songaila, Darius: becomes ambidextrous
Stackhouse, Jerry: parodied in this year’s Hasty Pudding show
Stevenson, DeShawn: wins Congressional medal of honor.
Stojakovic, Peja: only NBA player to visit Michael Vick in jail.
Storey, Awvee: is going to be a star in this league.
Stoudamire, Damon: starts publishing a weekly team newsletter.
Stoudamire, Salim: will score 45 in a game.
Stoudemire, Amare: does weird bankruptcy lawyers commercial with Matt Leinart.
Strawberry, D.J.: accidentally presented with a Source Award.
Stricker, Brad: finally captures title as NBA’s best Brad.
Stuckey, Rodney: revolutionizes the pick and pop.
Sun Yue: finally gets Senegalese citizenship.
Sura, Bob: will posterize Shaq.
Swift, Robert: carves his initials in his skin.
Swift, Stromile: will set his hotel room on fire.
Szczerbiak, Wally: will kill Seattle fans by causing both Jeff Green and Durant to see reduced minutes.

Tatum, Jamaal: Laughs it off and gets a real job
Taylor, Donell: Pines for the days when he was called a thug
Telfair, Sebastian: Recasts himself as a missionary
Terry, Jason: Will end up on the disabled list after too much soda comes out his nose
Thomas, Etan: Recovers from heart surgery
Thomas, Kenny: Write the best-seller "Selfish Rebounding"
Thomas, Kurt: Will get a ring
Thomas, Tim: Has a jacuzzi w/ bubble bath dispenser installed by the bench
Thomas, Tyrus: Begs Shawn Marion to mentor him, which angers Marion
Thornton, Al: Is mentioned more times on FreeDarko than any other rookie
Tinsley, Jamaal: Claims the phrase "pure point guard" is a tool of oppression
Tolliver, Anthony: Has trouble convincing people he played at Creighton
Tucker, Alando: Jokes to friends: "I'm the luckiest fan in the world"
Trent, Gary: Made you look!
Turiaf, Ronny: Starter minutes, sub profile, mind of a lion
Turkgolu, Hedo: Gives the best nationofislamsportsblog interview ever.
Turner, Larry: Gets a checking account

Udoka, Ime: Realizes the double-edged sword of "the Spurs saw something there"
Udrih, Beno: Becomes first player ever to demand trade from Spurs

Valencia Oranges: Still yummy
Vaughn, Jacque: Completes his fancy cigar collection, retires
Villanueva, Charlie: Takes league-mandated Lamar Odom lessons
Vinicius, Marcus: Is not a forgotten Italian prog rock classic
Vujacic, Sasha: Pills, Nicole Richie with the baby inside

Wade, Dwyane: is very worried about the Shaunie/Shaq divorce proceedings.
Wafer, Von: so psyched for that new Dylan movie.
Walker, Antoine: plays this year, simply to let bloggers make fat jokes
Wallace, Ben: stews
Wallace, Brandon: all he does is win games.
Wallace, Gerald: bets his salary on a game of PIG with MJ. Loses.
Wallace, Rasheed: finally responds to E-40.
Walton, Luke: didn't hear about this whole "Kobe mess" going on over the summer.
Warrick, Hakim: gives Chris Andersen a hug.
Washington, Darius: shoots free throws underhanded.
Watkins, Darryl: is actually a player from the 80s.
Watkins, Jameel: accidentally spreads mono to rest of the team.
Watson, C.J.: underappreciated.
Watson, Earl: reminisces about that golden stretch of 46 games with the Nuggets
Webster, Martell: redefines the term, “enigmatic.”
Wells, Bonzi: gets sad after wins.
West, David: doesn't have a cool enough name to make it in this league
West, Delonte: replaces Mike Golic on the ESPN morning show.
West, Mario: is really exciting.
Wilcox, Chris: gives new meaning to the term, "Wilcoxian."
Wilkins, Damien: disgraces the family name.
Williams, Aaron: plays for the Clippers?
Williams, Deron: leader of men.
Williams, Jason: doesn't "get" the whole Sudoku thing.
Williams, Justin: "proof of innocence" turns out to be way weirder than we even imagined.
Williams, Louis: busted in Oink.cd raid.
Williams, Marcus: tries to sell old Oak Hill jersey on eBay
Williams, Marcus: is not THAT Marcus Williams.
Williams, Marvin: EXPLODES. THIS. YEAR.
Williams, Maurice: plays in Israel, nobody notices.
Williams, Sean: changes the game
Williams, Shawne: overnight celebrity
Williams, Shelden: is outplayed by Candace Parker.
Wright, Antoine: can't believe McCants was selected ahead of him.
Wright, Brandan: can't believe he's in the NBA.
Wright, Dorell: thinks he's in Pat Riley's doghouse
Wright, Julian: scuffles with a mascot.
Wright, Lorenzen: starts an advice column.

Xerxes: Assassinated by stabbing.

Yao Ming: finds Verne Troyer’s phone number in an old pair of trousers.
Yi Jianlian: installs multiple mirrors in his house to give the illusion that Milwaukee’s Chinese population is rising.
Young, Nick: lives up to his idol, Harold Minor.
Young, Thaddeus: remembers he left the stove on.

Zuniga, Daphne: Performance in Spaceballs was MTV Movie Award-worthy.



At 10/25/2007 1:39 PM, Blogger Trey said...

Pryzbilla's is tops.

At 10/25/2007 2:39 PM, Blogger MC Welk said...

Deron's makes me hear this:

At 10/25/2007 2:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Wells, Bonzi: gets sad after wins."

This really explains so much. I wonder if a team could be filled with players like this, who are too damaged or something to take solace in winning.

SG: Bonzi Wells
C: Mark Blount?

Help me fill in the rest.

At 10/25/2007 3:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

PG: Larry Hughes?

At 10/25/2007 3:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Williams, Louis: busted in Oink.cd raid.

Duke Ellington collections aren't free, Louis!

At 10/25/2007 3:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

all of these were tight. hopefully this becomes a tradition.

At 10/25/2007 3:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Smith, J.R.: buckles under emotional pressure, leading to a downward mental spiral."


At 10/25/2007 4:11 PM, Blogger Unsilent Majority said...

45? Please! Sekou Smith knows what's up, Salim's winning the MVP.

At 10/25/2007 4:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Smith, J.R.: buckles under emotional pressure, leading to a downward mental spiral.

That seriously just ruined my day.

At 10/25/2007 4:30 PM, Blogger Tim Grimes said...

"Posey, James: Will show this city of driving under the influence what driving under the influence truly is."
Exactly. And slowly my laughter will change to tears.

At 10/25/2007 4:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn, I wasn't ready for a Year of the Dragon reference. Fuck a Darko--somebody gotta free John Lone.

At 10/25/2007 4:38 PM, Blogger Unsilent Majority said...

Young, Nick: lives up to his idol, Harold Miner.

oddly enough, i don't think i'd be disappointed by that outcome. i just want to bring a dunk championship to washington. that's the one thing Legler could never do.

At 10/25/2007 4:55 PM, Blogger frank said...

Jake Voskuhl???


At 10/25/2007 4:59 PM, Blogger Tom Deal said...

is anyone else as depressed as i am by the ricky "could've been leader of the baby wolves (pups?)" davis to the heat?

speaking of marc blount, he was involved too.

hopefully the conditional pick turns into someone exciting.

on the bright side, the wolves really needed someone like antoine walker... a forward who chucks up threes.

At 10/25/2007 5:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

any fantasy stragglers,
congregate in this yahoo league--
id: 116865 Password: spirit

At 10/25/2007 6:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

man, i totally missed the "matt barnes is a blog house-listening hipster" memo. the more you know

At 10/25/2007 8:22 PM, Blogger Mr. Six said...

"Tinsley, Jamaal: Claims the phrase 'pure point guard' is a tool of oppression"

I'm not sure there's a better suited book end to "Dunk contests are bourgeois." Surely someone with connections reads this blog and can get that one into the next set of LeBrons ads. (With proper attribution.)

At 10/25/2007 9:40 PM, Blogger T. said...

Powe, Leon: Will privately wonder when Leon Powe is gonna get his.

I'm right there with you Leon.

At 10/25/2007 9:57 PM, Blogger personalmathgenius said...

Scola, Luis: is going to become the Argentinian spokesman for the milk industry.

T., will you, as the other Rocket fan here, please come up with one better than that? Having recently moved to Seattle myself and deeply considered befanning the team like they're the preemie baby from the Finnish taxi driver's story in A Night On Earth, I feel like I just don't know Luis anymore.

wv: xtwgod: what comes after Ruby and Python

At 10/25/2007 10:46 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

I'm obviously not a true Rockets fan, but I became one the minute I drop some loot at 10-1 odds on the Rockets to win this year's NBA title. So right now I'll be happy to drive the FD Rockets bandwagon.

I will, however, not try to compete with the genius that are Shoals, Billups, DLIC, etc. in coming up with a new one for Scola. Maybe if you ask nice enough, Shoals will give us a do over.

I will add that the NBA will never be America's pasttime until it works in a promotion for free tacos from Taco Bell into the NBA Championships. Perhaps every time Luis Scola is featured learning about American culture from Steve Francis and Mike James, everyone wins a free taco. Steak, of course.

At 10/25/2007 11:00 PM, Blogger salt_bagel said...

It will never be steak, and it will only be available during the week at hours when you are at work. So there's no reason to wish so hard. Being a pasttime is the step before being dead. Hell, Lawrence Welk was a pasttime not too long ago.

wv: edtou: brudtae?

At 10/25/2007 11:28 PM, Blogger T. said...

PMG - You think you're far? I'm dealing with watching games on Sopcast surreptiously at work being in Shanghai! Let me think about Scola, but I am not a master of the klondike and after the recent "essay to enter the freedarko fantasy league" contest, I am a-feared of putting my meager writing skills on display.

At 10/26/2007 12:18 AM, Blogger thope said...

I was hoping for something funnier for Delonte, but I will settle for truth.

At 10/26/2007 1:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Americas's Pastime: Where your largest market team absolutely smokes the hottest team in the country, and you still get shit ratings.

America's Fututre Pastime: Where your most boring team plays it's hardest foes in the conference finals (and wins) and faces boring teams from an inferior conference in your sports season pinnacle. Also to shit ratings.

/ratings are not FD

At 10/26/2007 1:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amare - "Whenever I'm open behind the arc, I'm gonna let it fly."

Fuck yes.

At 10/26/2007 2:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Thornton, Al: Is mentioned more times on FreeDarko than any other rookie"

Yup. I've got my money on Thornton to win ROY.


And don't give up on J.R. quite yet. He's not Eddie Griffin. He's just a 22 yo knucklehead.

At 10/26/2007 8:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

where's sasha pavlovic?

At 10/26/2007 9:28 AM, Blogger T. said...

where's sasha pavlovic?

He's about as relevant to the 2007-2008 NBA season as Daphne Zuniga.

At 10/26/2007 10:50 AM, Blogger Dr. Lawyer IndianChief said...

nba.com/players evidently only lists guys with guaranteed contracts. the list fluctuates daily...therefore pavlovic and varejao are not as of yet officially listed.

At 10/26/2007 11:35 AM, Blogger MC Welk said...

Sasha P. is in Seattle, and is known as Nate to his friends. Anderson V. is trying to latch on with the Onion.

At 10/26/2007 11:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

delonte and mike in the morning? that show is going to be a phenom.
and the scola prediction is perfect as is. that guy is hunk, drinking milk the gaucho way.

At 10/26/2007 11:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Redd, Michael: converts to Judaism."

He could also start wearing one of those Tweedle-Dum beanies with the propellor on top. Or just shave his head and get it over with.

Shoals, how can you allow that J.R. one to get through? Fuck man, that stings -- he's still the wallpaper on my cell phone.. posing politely for the picture after I beat him at pool. The man with the wings tattooed on his back will rise again.

At 10/26/2007 1:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where's Josh Powell? Egregious oversight.

At 10/26/2007 2:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...



At 10/27/2007 7:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anon 1:10- throw in the towel, your boys the Klondikes just dissed Josh Powell.

At 4/13/2009 4:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...




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