Coffee Punch To Kasparov

Before the intelligent commentary begins, I'd like to start this morning just by vomiting.

First let me point out Randy Kim's excellent summary of my thoughts and disbelief toward Stuart Scott ACTUALLY asking Wilbon about the Willis Reed comparison.

Then let me be a little non-modest in pointing you to my outcry of two years ago:

"And last series, BOTH Raja Bell and Josh Howard were called "Willis Reed" for coming back and playing with injuries. The NBA is but a mere middle school theater production, in which Emeka Okafor and Eddy Curry are given non-speaking roles as foliage and the part of Willis Reed is chosen before the beginning of every season (next year, I believe the role will be played by Mehmet Okur)."

Then let me be even MORE not modest and point you to the third principle of the new injury rules, which I spoke about last week:

3. If the "injured" player is playing, then he is not "injured" and should be treated the same as any other player, not as Willis Reed.

Finally, the ridiculousness continues with further explanation of Doc's mysterious "South African:

That's when Rivers gathered the Celtics in a huddle during a timeout and reminded them of Nelson Mandela and South African struggles with apartheid, something the team has studied to inspire and motivate during this season.

"I reminded them of 'Cheetah', the guy from South Africa who told us there will be adversity and you have got to overcome it," Rivers said. "I was really proud of our team. We could have easily felt sorry for ourselves."

AAAAAAAAAAAH. The NBA is out of control. Comparing basketball adversity to Apartheid!!!! Doc Rivers is totally Smith College with that bullsht.


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At 6/06/2008 10:02 AM, Blogger Teddy said...

Given Garnett's personality, telling him to go out and end apartheid might actually lead to less mis-wired intensity than telling him to go out and find a way to beat the Lakers with Ray Allen as his sidekick.

At 6/06/2008 10:04 AM, Blogger Dr. Lawyer IndianChief said...

that's a good point, teddy.

At 6/06/2008 10:26 AM, Blogger Mother Father Chinese Dentist said...

my girlfriend is rooting for the lakers solely because she's pissed off about the celtics' misappropriation of african principles. she'll get a kick out of this.

At 6/06/2008 10:27 AM, Blogger mdesus said...

Garnett and Allen started a new charity. Jump Shooters for Reparations.

At 6/06/2008 11:25 AM, Blogger salt_bagel said...

This is just part of a classic con called the "South African Prisoner". At the end, Pierce will throw the series and it will be revealed that he was repping LA all along.

At 6/06/2008 12:31 PM, Blogger bryan hood said...

I can picture it now: game 7, lakers up by 2, and pierce airballs a wide open three at the buzzer. Garnett goes over to console him but he shrugs him off, walks to center court and rips open his jersey to reveal the same Magic Johnson jersey he wore in 87.

It'll be amazing.

At 6/06/2008 12:55 PM, Blogger stopmikelupica said...

Doc Rivers elevates the meaningless quote game to a 21st century level:

"There will be adversity. You have got to overcome it."

That's some Tim McCarver-like knowledge right there. It's appropriate he's coaching against the Zen Master... Doc is starting his own updated version of Zen basketball.

"There will be rebounds. You will have to get them."

"I foresee a mighty fight. You must find a way to win."

"There will be blood."

"The opposition will try to double team you in the post. I have no idea what to do about this."

At 6/06/2008 2:06 PM, Blogger Fredrik deBoer said...

I don't know who will win this series but I really have felt for a long time that theres a kind of collective delusion going on concerning how good this Lakers team is. I mean, really... they're really that good? Really? I just don't see it. I dislike the "Celtics mystique" as much as the next man but this is at best a wash of a series. I particularly don't understand why people haven't made a bigger deal about the softness of the Lakers interior.

At 6/06/2008 2:10 PM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

I dreamt last night that someone left a comment here with a last of all the people who no longer frequent the comments section, as evidence that this site now sucked.

Also, read >my latest SN column, on the riddle of Beasley's behavior.

At 6/06/2008 2:10 PM, Blogger Fredrik deBoer said...

Oh, here's the other thing: I'm so tired in sports of the "Don't get XXX mad!" storyline. People keep saying "Kobe's gonna be mad for Game 2, watch out!" Really? He wasn't motivated for Game 1 of the NBA Finals? That was the problem? Now that he's mad, he's really gonna try?

"You don't want to play against an angry Brett Favre!" Ooh! An angry Favre! That was the problem, after all. His commitment. He plays at most about 20 games a season, but he still usually can't get up the dedication to really bring it... unless you get him mad!

At 6/06/2008 2:19 PM, Blogger Doug said...

Forget Kobe and Pierce, as we were explicitly reminded during last night's broadcast, this series is about "Garnett's passion" vs. "Gasol's skill set". Or, as I think was implied, classic American passion and instinct vs. European basketball intelligence and trickery.

Also, was I the only one slightly mystified by the pageantry with which the Celtic's staff carried Pierce off the court? They couldn't bring the wheelchair out from the tunnel?

At 6/06/2008 2:26 PM, Blogger Dr. Lawyer IndianChief said...

Doug, I was right there with you with them carrying Pierce off. I mean, even in the most non-wheelchair-necessary of situations, they usually do the thing where the injured guy puts each arm around a separate trainer/coach/etc and limps off.

I'm with everyone above (obviously) and I think what has happened is that the media, or the teams, have felt this odd pressure to make sure this series lives up the obscene mystical hype of LAKERS V CELTICS. So everything is over-played, over-wrought, over-dramatic.

DeBoer, I'm also totally with you about this Lakers team. I mean, there are a bunch of guys on Boston who I would be legitimately concerned about (e.g. Don't let House get hot from outside, Don't let Cassell back you down, Don't let Allen get daylight from the three-point line, Don't let KG get on a roll, Don't let Pierce get to the cup and take free throws all day, Don't let Perkins beat you up inside)...but on the LAKERS, there is not a single player who legitimately SCARES me except for Kobe. One guy.

At 6/06/2008 2:36 PM, Blogger DrewBreez said...

I don't believe that Kobe comment. Kobe's ethos is much like the Celtics team in '08. He absolutely needs something to get up for. When you are the most competitive person in your sport (i.e. KG) even normal days need a rejuvenating gust of "Whose Heart Do I Remove Today"...Kobe is not Favre because he is different animal. He lives to kill, not for the love of the game. His spirit has an obligation to win (re: Scoop Jackson column). I'm not even a Kobe fan but I am a fan of the Kobe Moment. Remember January '05? That was a Kobe Moment...deciding to average 40 in a month. His team was shit and he said 'fuck it. I have to dominate my realm and this is how.' Yes we should be anticipating this moment. Yes he will relive it several more times in his career.

At 6/06/2008 3:05 PM, Blogger Graydon said...

Even more absurd than the Willis Reed comparison is when Mark Jackson kept ridiculously comparing Pierce to Ali. What the fuck? I wrote about it if anybody wants to check it out (sorry for mindlessly pimping my own writing):

At 6/06/2008 3:25 PM, Blogger Bethlehem Shoals said...

Graydon--I like your stuff, and you have my official okay to pimp your writing here on occasion. However, it would behoove you and all those interested in reading it to put in the actual code for a link.

Mark Jackson seems to think that being pompous=wise, and thus more marketable as a coach.

At 6/06/2008 3:30 PM, Blogger salt_bagel said...

Wait, I thought they were comparing Kobe and Jordan to Ali and Holmes, and they said that Kobe was no Larry Holmes; that it was now allowed to compare him to Jordan.

At 6/06/2008 3:42 PM, Blogger Graydon said...

I don't know about the Kobe/Jordan-Ali/Holmes thing, although it strikes as something they would say. I am positive Jackson made the comment about Pierce, or at least some buddies of mine also claim to have heard the remark. How do you link to stuff in a comments section?

At 6/06/2008 3:55 PM, Blogger Brown Recluse, Esq. said...

Mark Jackson was comparing everyone to Ali--Kobe and Jordan first and then Pierce.

You have to code links in HTML in the comments.

At 6/06/2008 4:00 PM, Blogger salt_bagel said...

If Kobe chucks his MVP trophy in the river, then we'll talk.

Of course, in the LA river it would only get like, sort of partially submerged.

At 6/06/2008 4:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hell hath no fury like a fan scorned?

At 6/06/2008 7:04 PM, Blogger themarkpike said...

(Pierce + J.M. Coetzee) < (Shaq + Nietzsche)

At least Doc Rivers, PhD didn't invoke Godwin's Rule of Nazi Analogies during a timeout.

At 6/07/2008 5:06 AM, Blogger Kareem said...

Dr.LIC, are you serious? On any given night, Luke Walton (that tremendous and perennial flake) can erupt for 15 points, Sasha can get hot for 17, Farmar can "luck" his way to 12 points, and Lamar can will in 19. I feel as though your comments are provincial, or at the least short sighted. The Lakers are one of the better three point shooting teams in the league; and that percentage is largely a result of bench contributions.

I won't lie, I've been following the Lakers early and often, but I've also seen the Celtics on many occasions. Their bench does not offer more explosion, more threat than the Laker one. This is a game of starters, and I expect it to continue on as one.

At 6/07/2008 1:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

@Kareem- 15 points is not an eruption. That's a Richie Frahm 4th quarter love feast.
Do I really need to say there's a HUGE difference between any of those Lakers getting hot (including Odom) and Paul Pierce and Ray Allen getting hot? Those guys have been the #1 option before, have take #1 volumes of shots, MADE #1 volumes of shots. There's nothing provincial about saying that there's more of a precedent for those guys having BIG games as opposed to a bench player having the game of his life.

The Lakers are weak up the middle as long as Turiaf & Mihm are all they've got coming off the bench there, in fact, they're as weak on the 4/5 bench spots as Boston is strong. Powe, Baby, PJ- hell, that's better than Dallas' three-headed/21 foot/18 foul triumvirate from back in the day.
But then, you could say the Celtics are as weak on the 1/2/3 on the bench as the Lakers are strong.

wv: sdyyskvw- Slobovian for happy birthday to me, Iver Anderson, Anna Kournikova, Tito Maddox, and Prince

At 6/08/2008 5:00 PM, Blogger Aaron said...

Shoals, was I on your list? It's not that I no longer read, it's just that I no longer feel obligated to challenge everything you say about Judaism and basketball.

At 6/08/2008 8:10 PM, Blogger karma said...

I have been wanting to go off on Pierce about the injury debacle for some time now. I finally started a blog and posted my thoughts on his "performance" in game 1. Here are my thoughts:

The recent Paul Pierce game 1 debacle has made me realize one (of many) great big flaws in today's basketball media analysts and "experts": The Sports-Movie-Comeback Comparison.

Since Willis Reed did it in Game 7 of the 1970 NBA Finals, numerous basketball injury "comebacks" have been labeled "Willis Reed-esque". Notwithstanding the fact that a large percentage of today's fans don't even know WHO Willis Reed is, this comparison needs to go. I hate the fact that the media automatically has to compare an event that just happened, to an event that happened 38 years ago, DESPITE the fact that the present event does not even have REMOTELY the same significance or influence that the original event did. I know that sounded confusing, but I'm sure most of you know what I mean.

What Paul Pierce did was not heroic. If you really are injured, you come back and you limp or show signs of your injury. When Steve Nash had a gash on his nose against the Spurs in 2007, you knew he actually injured his nose because he was profusely bleeding from that location. If you suffer a severe injury, you don't play the rest of the game in the same state you were in before the "injury" happened. Even if you do play fine the rest of the game, it is revealed AFTER the game that you did indeed injure something, hence you were heroic in playing with an injury.

The only known example that I have heard (not seen) of successfully completing the Sports Movie Comeback is by Kareem Abdul Jabber in Game 5 of the 1980 NBA Finals wherein he injured his ankle, but still managed to finish off the game and inspire the Lakers to a 3-2 lead against the Sixers. This, of course, was the injury that set up Magic Johnson playing all 5 positions in Game 6 and winning the Finals MVP as a rookie. Nevertheless, THAT is a heroic performance. Jabbar was a heroic performer considering the circumstances of his injury being one that was season-ending (even though there were only two more games left at the maximum of the NBA Finals). Oh yeah, and did I mention that he didn't need to be CARRIED OFF the court by two of his teammates despite severely injuring his ankle?

Paul Pierce came across as being softer than a European soccer player with that debacle he pulled, and this is the same guy that was throwing up Piru Blood gang signs?? All I have to say is that had Kobe Bryant pulled off such a thing, he would be showered with so much hate from the media and observers alike that we would STILL be hearing about it even after the series was over. I hate double standards, and I hate people faking an injury even more. If you hear a "knee-pop" and have to be CARRIED OFF the court, only to return 2 minutes later and start draining threes, you weren't injured in the first place. Anyone who thinks he DIDN'T fake it is either Bill Simmons (aka a Celtic homer) or basically has never played a pick-up game in their life. I've heard my ankle "pop" a billion times while playing basketball, and not once have I actually injured it. If you can walk or you can shake it off, you can play. Paul Pierce obviously can only play with the help of the Rocky theme to inspire him. What a load of bullshit.

At 4/13/2009 2:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...




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