FreeDrafto, Pt. 902590325: Portugese Peyote Dream

With Shoals chasing the green over at Deadspin and Dr. LIC gallivanting in the Old Country, it was left to your boys Recluse and Billups to run down the first fourteen picks of this year’s NBA Draft.

Brown Recluse, Esq.: do you think conley can fuck with d-wil, paul, or even felton?
Billups: i dunno
Billups: i think conley is kinda like the young version of old steve francis
Brown Recluse, Esq.: really?
Billups: no, wait
Billups: i don't mean that

Billups: i can't believe durant is gonna have to play with wally.
Billups: lenny wilkens is already trying to fuck that guy up.

Brown Recluse, Esq.: do you think oden has some sort of condition like whatever people say abe lincoln had?

Billups: i can't believe the hawks shit the bed on amare.
Billups: if i was billy knight, i would to go up to whoever the fuck owns the squad (whatever carlyle group dudes) and just piss on their persian rug
Billups: and be like, this is what you are doing to my life.

Billups: yo- how incredible would be if the bucks drafted yi and dude JUST SAT THERE
Brown Recluse, Esq.: YI IS THE NEXT STEVE FRANCIS
Billups: the United States Senate: Mediating the off-season moves of the Bucks and policing the steroid use of Juan Gonzalez since 1994. Excellence in government.
Brown Recluse, Esq.: did kohl approve alito?
Brown Recluse, Esq.: if so, fuck that guy
Billups: i will google
Billups: he voted against!
Billups: "a soft-spoken multi-millionaire"
Billups: "but quick to bomb a fucking china"



[ESPN announces that the Warriors are trying to trade for Kevin Garnett.]

Billups: WHAT THE FUCK!
Brown Recluse, Esq.: holy fucking shit
Billups: GARNETT!!!
Billups: MY GOD
Billups: so...j-rich and monta? and the pick?
Billups: baron, stephen, garnett, barnes, al...
Billups: FUCK OUTTA HERE

Brown Recluse, Esq.: so, yi is pronounced E, right?
Billups: it's pronounced yi best not draft me, senator
Brown Recluse, Esq.: are people going to make ecstacy jokes about yi?
Brown Recluse, Esq.: e.g., yi is going to help the bucks roll to the playoffs

[The Blazers select Greg Oden.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: SO SOMBER
Billups: Kevin Durant: still unaware of Wally coming to Emerald City
Brown Recluse, Esq.: ODEN'S MOM'S NAME IS ZOE ODEN???
Brown Recluse, Esq.: "i was putting on hand sanitizer" is the greatest draft interview quote of all time
Billups: only til Yi is like, PEOPLE OF WISCONSIN: I CANNOT STOP THE FURY THAT YOU HAVE CALLED UPON YOURSELVES.

[ESPN announces Portland/Boston trade.]

Billups: WHAT!?
Billups: WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THESE FUCKING FRAGILE X GENE HAVING DUDES!
Billups: LET'S GET ANOTHER DUDE WHO PLAYS DURANT'S SPOT
Billups: AND WALLY

[The Hawks select Al Horford.]

Billups: i didn't know al was from the DR!
Brown Recluse, Esq.: fuck you, shelden williams
Billups: i'm not actually watching, i'm reading studio 60 on the sunset strip fan fic
Brown Recluse, Esq.: horford is dwight howard-ish
Billups: he is already what nene might become if george karl doesn't ruin him
Brown Recluse, Esq.: he can talk to nene in portugese, apparently

[Stuart Scott asks Al Horford what he said to his Florida teammates.]

Billups: "i'm gonna make more money than you."
Billups: that's what he said to them
Billups: he said anthony roberson can run his home theatre installation company

[Memphis selects Mike Conley, Jr.]

Billups: he mad
Billups: he wanted to go to powells books and listen to the thermals and shit
Billups: but no
Billups: he is going to mjg's crib to play nintendo 64
Billups: because that's what you do at mjg's spot. do you think this is the out-the-box move pau pau wanted?

[Stuart Scott interviews Conley.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: let's ask you about OTHER PEOPLE
Billups: "you know greg oden, right?"
Brown Recluse, Esq.: you're the 4th pick in the draft, so you played with greg oden? your dad is mike conley?
Billups: what up with O State and dudes being friends and one of the dudes' dad is like YO, I'LL BE YOUR AGENT. CAN YOU ASK YOUR FRIEND IF I CAN BE HIS AGENT.
Billups: Didn't Ginn and Troy Smith have that deal?



Billups: this is like watching the car crash scene from Weekend
Billups: or just a car crash, it doesn't have to be from Weekend

[The Celtics select Jeff Green for the Blazers.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: the hawks are trying to become the suns, and the sonics are trying to become the hawks
Billups: WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO TALK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW WHICH IS GOOD BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO START SCATTING SOON I AM SO LOW ON IDEAS
Billups: did jeff green just say his skill was recuperating?
Billups: like...
Billups: wolverine or something?
Billups: did he say that?

[David Stern approaches the podium to announce the Milwaukee Bucks’ pick.]

Billups: this is going to be the best pick ever
Billups: BOOM!
Billups: THAT'S HOW WE DO THINGS IN MOTHERFUCKING DAIRY COUNTRY
Brown Recluse, Esq.: you could tell b/c stern looked pissed when he walked up there
Brown Recluse, Esq.: like, i told those motherfuckers not to do this
Brown Recluse, Esq.: stern just told him, "don't sweat this, i'll take care of it."
Billups: "yeah, i just gotta iron out this hamas shit, take a hat and smile, stretch."

[The ESPN crew asks Fran Franchilla about foreign players.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: “don't ask me, i fucked up felipe lopez”

[Back to Milwaukee]

Billups: OH WE'RE KEPPING THE CHINESE KID
Billups: HE'S GONNA PLAY WITH THE KANGAROO
Billups: AND THE KID WITH NO EYEBROWS
Billups: WE'LL PLAY STATE FAIRS

[And now the interview with Yi.]

Billups: this dude should speak portuguese
Billups: whoa!
Billups: what was that face!
Brown Recluse, Esq.: he was thinking about finding decent chinese food in wisconsin
Billups: He should get real fat before camp.
Billups: Just stay posted up at Sonic.



Billups: yo, stephen smith is about to tell me who killed biggie
Billups: it was larry harris cousin, with the revolver, in the cloak room
Billups: bilas is gonna get a rash

[The first Durant/Arenas EA Sports ad is shown.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: durant's handle is tighter than gil's
Billups: gilbert probably asked him for his autograph before they shot that

[The Bobcats are on the clock.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: please not noah
Billups: "jordan actively involved in draft"
Billups: "jordan chilling at the 19th hole with robin givens"
Brown Recluse, Esq.: jordan likes white girls
Billups: "chilling at the 19th hole with rose macgowan"
Brown Recluse, Esq.: that's better

[The Bulls select Joakim Noah.]

Billups: THAT'S A SCOTT SKILES PICK
Brown Recluse, Esq.: great......another post player who can't score
Brown Recluse, Esq.: now they have two half-africans and a full one
Brown Recluse, Esq.: order up a curried goat
Billups: ben wallace must feel like he's at a tufts orientation day seminar
Brown Recluse, Esq.: do a lot of africans go to tufts?
Billups: no
Billups: that was a completely arbitrary reference

[The Kings are on the clock.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: i'm thinking al thornton is next. or hawes.
Billups: don't say thornton
Billups: that dude is philly bound

[The Kings select Spencer Hawes.]

Billups: YES
Billups: ONE WHITE STIFF DOWN
Billups: ONE TO GO
Billups: If you don't want Larry Brown to eat the crackers you have to take em off the table.
Billups: Least that's what my shop teacher used to say.
Brown Recluse, Esq.: spencer's mom is in parents involved in community schools
Billups: spencer's mom is involved in birthing the second coming of eric montross



Billups: jay bilas' best available are mad wrong
Billups: that dude should be managing my mutual funds and leave drafting rodney stuckey to the pros

[The Hawks select Acie Law IV.]

Billups: MOTHERFUCK THE MAYOR WE GET AL THORNTON!!!!!
Billups: or mcroberts
Billups: please no mcroberts
Billups: please
Billups: shavlik ain't that lonely
Billups: we need al
Billups: al and iguodala with a strictly alley-oop-based offense
Billups: espn.com says al thornton is "not the smartest player in the country"
Billups: i'll remember not to ask thornton how to open a wormhole in space. he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

[The Sixers are on the clock.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: you're getting sean williams
Brown Recluse, Esq.: two dalemberts on one team
Brown Recluse, Esq.: that would be the weirdest twin towers since brad miller/spencer hawes
Billups: crap
Billups: i hate my personal history
Billups: i want to be unchained from this legacy of failure
Billups: draft thornton

[The Sixers select Thaddeus Young.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: he's like al thornton, but a decade younger
Brown Recluse, Esq.: you should be pleased
Billups: you think so?
Billups: he doesn't have seminole education
Brown Recluse, Esq.: 4.3 gpa in memphis high school trumps that

[Billups reads about the Portland/New York trade on SLAM.]

Billups: franchise to PORTLAND?
Billups: what a crazy and fucking peyote soaked deal
Billups: dickau, randolph and jones for frye and francis?
Billups: randolph and curry?
Brown Recluse, Esq.: frye and aldridge?
Brown Recluse, Esq.: aren't they the same guy?
Brown Recluse, Esq.: curry and randolph is real strange
Billups: curry already doesn't get the ball
Billups: that would be dope if zeke started dickau and david lee

[The Pistons select Rodney Stuckey, and ESPN shows his highlight reel.]

Brown Recluse, Esq.: weird. he really looks EXACTLY like a poor man's wade in those clips.
Billups: WHO IS RODNEY STUCKEY? THAT'S ME.
Brown Recluse, Esq.: i can see why he had trouble qualifying

[The Wizards select Nick Young.]

Billups: is that the kid gilbert adopted?
Brown Recluse, Esq.: is that nick cannon?
Brown Recluse, Esq.: i want the wizards to trade for chris wilcox
Billups: maybe pro teams should start drafting all from one college
Billups: wiz could just get maryland cats
Billups: charl-unc
Billups: chicago-west point
Brown Recluse, Esq.: does ny get all the uconn cats?
Brown Recluse, Esq.: or boston?

[ESPN finally announces the Portland/New York trade, about an hour after SLAM.]

Billups: was that a cheer?

I Want a Month

This video says something about the draft, watching the draft, and these hours leading up to the draft.

Seriously, I have not turned my back on this most treasured event. It pains me like nothing else that FreeDrafto has not been it's usually sticky self this time around. But between an incredibly disjointed Houston-to-Seattle move and some other FD-related shit that's way bigger than blogs, I've been stuck under a mule. Hopefully, at some point I will tell each of you in person how I feel about everything.

What I can offer you:

-Longform on the deeper implications, and strict internal crises, that surround certain lottery picks tonight.

-I'll be live-blogging the unwieldy monster on Deadspin. I am getting a hotel room, locking myself in there with a pizza and some downers, and hoping no one gets embarrassed too badly.

-And finally, thank you to Sally Jenkins for quoting me today. I know that's both uncharacteristically humble and kind of corny of me, but I like that sentence a lot. In fact, I think we did the mock draft just so I could use it somewhere.

FreeDrafto, Pt. 345483-004A: The Lobster Quadrille

For the past few years, we've been toying with the idea of a full mock draft for the first round, but given our complete outsiderness, we were unsure what we could really contribute to the draft discourse. We have no insider knowledge and certainly no expertise in the college or overseas brand of sport. But, holed up in the FD South lab, Shoals developed the following criteria for a truly FD draft experience:

1. player's style

2. how well they would go with team's style

3. how little they hurt the style universe by being kept away from a more ideal bride

4. how much they'll actually get to make an impact

With that tetralogy in mind, and having studied no other mock drafts, we set about our business. Shoals made all the even picks, I, Recluse, did all the odds.

Note: In case you missed it, Shoals was also recently implicated in a different kind of mock draft.

1. Portland Trailblazers - Greg Oden

Taking Oden first is so obvious a decision it even makes sense in the demented FreeDarko worldview. A decade of Duncan dominance has led to the misperception that a gameplan focused around the post is boring, but anyone who witnessed the NCAA title game knows that Oden's style on the court can be as awe-inspiring as the sickest AI crossover. Off the court, his Will Smith-inspired goofy charm is a perfect fit with Brandon, LaMarcus, and the crew.

2. Seattle Supersonics - Kevin Durant

I swear to the skies, this will stop soon. Soon, this will become recognizable as a FreeDrafto production. But come on, you should be pleased we didn't go Durant number one. So sweeping, angelic, and sweetly electric a player we have almost never seen; if LeBron makes the game up as he goes along, Durant effortlessly inhabits everything we know it to be. Getting selected by a half-dead franchise makes him a savior on a fixed deadline. Raise your paw twice if you won't keep your eyes trained on this one. Caveat: if the Sonics don't retain Shard Shard, this will all be so much more ordinary.

3. Atlanta Hawks - Julian Wright

Just fucking face it, the Hawks aren't ever going to draft a real point guard. Joe Johnson's success thus far has made Steve Belkin look like a false matyr, but he still isn't the answer at the point. Wright's got the height Atlanta so obviously covets, and he played point guard for his high school team, so Wright to ATL makes a whole mess of sense.

4. Memphis Grizzlies - Mike Conley JUNIOR

The Hawks actually don't need a point guard that bad, considering that they have no actual offense to bring to life. Just teach some dude to throw lobs, and mandate three-pointer practice, and they'll be fine. The Grizz, however, have no excuse. They have shooters, athletes, scorers, learners, and an All-Star post presence—they just lack anyone who can create for himself. When Chris Paul animated the Hornets, they had a similar (team minus one) set-up. Without a point guard, the worst in the league; with one, a playoff lock.

5. Boston Celtics - Glen Davis

In the time since he was traded, neither Paul Pierce nor the Celtics have come close to the heights they scaled with Antoine Walker, so clearly, Ainge and co. need to draft the most Antoine-like player available, which means Big Baby. No, he doesn't have Walker's all-around game or (to be honest) his talent, but he is fat and he likes to dance.

6. Milwaukee Bucks - Al Horford

I always thinks of the Bucks as a totally no-nonsense team, since they have nothing better to do, can't attract anyone silly to waste money on, and are from a town that's best known as a longitude and latitude. Hence, they will be taking Al Horford, the third-best prospect in this draft. Oh, and if a frontcourt of Hoford, CVE, and Bogut can still manage to lose 200 games in the East, then I will once and for all forswear basketball know-how.

7. Minnesota Timberwolves - Corey Brewer

Minnesota is reportedly interested in Spencer Hawes, but KG punched the last tall white guy they tried to stick him with, so I think that's out. Brewer is a much better fit anyway, as he's basically a perimeter version of Garnett, a long, versatile country boy who wears his heart on his sleeve and isn't above playing some serious defense. Brewer would join Foye and Ricky D. in forming a guard trio with the athleticism and speed to keep up with Garnett and the balls to take the big shots when the situation demands it.

8. Charlotte Bobcats - Joakim Noah

He's a decent fella with a couple of college championships. So even if he'll cause a positional logjam, the Bobcats will take him. That's not just this year with Noah--it's the last two, and every single one going forward. Not sure if this makes them the new Hawks, or the Bulls-in-waiting. Oh, and those thinking they'll replace Gerald Wallace--did it ever really seem like they wanted (or knew how) to make the most their time together?

9. Chicago Bulls - Brandan Wright

Everyone knows that Chicago needs a low-post scorer, and they would consider themselves quite fortunate if the smooth lefty from North Carolina fell to them here. Wright's a laid back kid who would probably giggle awkwardly if asked to imagine himself ever firing a gun in a strip club parking lot. Skiles and Paxson will love him, maybe even enough to teach him how to shoot a proper jumpshot. In addition to fixing his shot, Wright needs to bulk up quite a bit before he's ready for a big time contribution. Tyrus Thomas isn't ready yet either, but somehow, they'll find a way to average 20 and 10 between the two of 'em.

10. Sacramento Kings - Yi Jianlian

To make up for the lopsided trade and regretted months that will follow Artest's departure, the Maloofs need a smokescreen. A man whose very name brushes away all comprehension of "Ron Artest." So they will pick a soft, skilled, majestic, unproven Asian whose elusive nature will kick off its own kind of media frenzy. In the pregnant silence and waiting, there is nothing to do but heal.

11. Atlanta Hawks - Sean Williams

With all the jokes about Atlanta being a team of small forwards, people seem to forget that they also have one of most promising young centers in the league in Zaza Pachulia. Yet, what the Hawks really need from their center isn't finesse in the post, it's shotblocking and rebounding. That's what Shelden Williams was supposed to provide, but is too short and unathletic to. That's why they must turn to this S-Dot Williams, who's like Samuel Dalembert if his interest in engineering stopped at figuring out how to make a bong out of an empty 2-liter bottle. It's somewhat distressing that he got kicked off the team at BC on multiple occasions, but in the NBA, there's no class and everyone smokes weed, so he should be fine.

12. Philadelpia Seventy-Sixers - Jeff Green

His name is Billy King. His franchise's best season in recent memory came under the helm of Larry Brown. This year's late surge came with names like Andre Miller, Willie Green, Bobby Jones, Joe Smith, and Louis Williams. Some teams always draft white players over black ones; Billy King has finally found his comfort zone, and it comes in stockpiling names as dull as his own. Green is also pretty damn good. . . and also happens to play the same position as the exotically-named Andre Iguodala.

13. New Orleans Hornets—Nick Young

The Hornets have a good young nucleus with Chris Paul, David West, and Tyson Chandler --and don't forget (as I always do) that Peja is still a Hornet--but they still need a smooth wing who can heat up from outside. Young, an almost prototypical NBA wing, fits the bill perfectly. He also brings a clean-cut charisma that complements bowling aficionado Paul and should help sell tickets equally well in New Orleans or OK City. Young grew up idolizing the Showtime Lakers; while he won't last until LA picks at #19, he'll have to find solace in suiting up for Lake Show alum Byron Scott.

14. LA Clippers - Javaris Crittendon & Thaddeus Young

You know what? Fuck the Clippers, and fuck the rules of this draft. I remember what the red, white and blue once stood for, and it wasn't vets lining up to miss the playoffs. The only way to get back to those core values? Hand the team to a cocksure, uneasy tower of a point guard and a supposed scorer who makes time stand still for himself and others. Whatever the opposite of rebuilding is, this is it. Together, these two will build an upside-down palace that reaches down to the center of the Earth. . . and reaches back up to China, where it towers over all those other Yi and Yao-like beasts set to take over the league in the next ten.

15. Detroit Pistons - Jason Smith

The Pistons have three former All-Star power forwards on the roster, but their median age is 33, which is ancient for the NBA, especially when you factor in knee problems. Jason Maxiell had his moments in the Playoffs, but he's not going to get it done by himself. As a legit 7-footer with range, Smith is the perfect complement to the undersized Maxiell's wrecking ball steelo in the post. Smith will be the latest iteration in a line of jump-shooting big men that stretches from Lambieer to Rasheed. Ironically, what Smith seems to lack is the fire that, for better or worse, drove both men and also made them ideal representatives for the city known for race riots, Eminem, and the Stooges.

16. Washington Wizards - Al Thornton

Super-athletic tweener, scoring machine who has it way too easy, meteoric game with an old soul, certified talent that for some reason no one's jizzing over. . . where else but the Washington Wizards would he go? The kind of player who could dizzy Arenas into forgetting all these "I want to toil for a reputable organization" lines and go back to running the madhouse.

17. New Jersey Nets - Spencer Hawes

Hawes will not fall this far in the actual draft, but this is the official FreeDarko Mock Draft, and no one who says he loves George W. Bush is going Lotto on my watch. But, when you're dealing with a 7-footer with serious skills, backing the worst president of all time will only knock you down so many spots. Spence provides the interior scoring the Nets have been sorely lacking since Krstic went down and is the rare white center who can run with J-Kidd and also score in a half court offense. Besides, Kidd has always seemed like he might be a closet Republican anyway.

18. Golden State Warriors - Wilson Chandler

So the Warriors pick an energetic athlete who can handle multiple positions because that's how they do. Proving that if the Hawks had a point guard, they could beat the Mavericks.

19. LA Lakers - Acie Law IV

It's a truism to say that Phil Jackson likes big point guards, but Law is just the kind of guy he loves, possessing the height to cause match up problems and the self-possession necessary to put up with his Zen bullshit. The only problem is that Law and Kobe both love to take the big shot, but that's a problem that the Lakers (and maybe even Kobe) would welcome.

20. Miami Heat - Marc Gasol

He's from Spain, just like the Cubans. As opposed to Tiago Splitter, who traces his back to Portugal. Or Udonis Haslem, who is just from Florida. With that roster in shambles, sometimes you've got to take a stand for something higher--i.e., getting people to sit in the seats during the regular season.

21. Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers - Shavlik Randolph, I mean, Josh McRoberts

22. Charlotte Bobcats - Daequan Cook

In an absolutely perfect world, there would exist a player who combined the best qualities of Gerald Wallace and Matt Carroll. This would be all the more apt, since the 'Cats will likely lose these two bright spots. Said player would also blossom under the organization's watchful eyes, instead of being brought in and expected to produce instant maturity. Which, you know, would prove there was actually an organization there. That player would be Daequan Cook. . . now if you'll excuse me, I've got to tie my arm off again.

23. New York Knicks - Jared Dudley

I was really surprised to learn that Dudley is from San Diego. Obviously, he played college ball in Boston, which is one reason why, but I just get a grimey, Northeast vibe from him. Being a dead ringer for Jim Jones also helps. With a solid jumper out to 3-point range and good all-around skills, Dudley can help fill a major need at the 3 position. And, following Balkman and David Lee, he also fits with Isiah’s hard-working late first round pick steez.

24. Phoenix Suns - Tiago Splitter

Stealing ATL's lottery pick would have been too much, too overlordly to really smell like the Suns. Nabbing a seven-foot Brazilian who moves well, has been hovering around the draft forever, and yet remains in a state of perpetual mist? Steve Kerr knows what he's been hired to do--weird shit that makes everyone in the league wonder and ultimately makes Phoenix look smart. Basketball hipsters indeed.

25. Utah Jazz - Morris Almond

When I first started hearing about Morris Almond, I imagined him being light-skinned and having "good hair", looking basically like former UCLA guard Toby Bailey. I guess I was thinking of Morris Day, but the name Almond also seems to lend itself to such an appearance. Anyway, if you haven't seen him, that's not what he looks like, but his game is kinda like a better, more consistent version of Bailey's. He's got good size for a 2-guard and is one of the best shooters in the draft, making him the perfect complement to the Williams-to-Boozer tandem.

[Shoals pointed out that I was likely thinking of the absurdly similarly named actor Morris Chestnut, which is probably true. However, as Morris Chestnut isn't light-skinned, nor does he have “good hair,” that still doesn’t explain my mental picture of Almond.]

26. Houston Rockets - Nick Fazekas

The Rockets need a PF, and this is how Adelman thinks. Bonus points for being sort of foreign. Also, he's as far from Mike James/Bonzi/Rafer as anyone left in our draft pool, which seems like a semi-logical way to construct a roster.

27. Detroit Pistons - Taurean Green, Derrick Byars, & Rodney Stuckey

Detroit should probably go Euro here, but after Darko and Delfino turned out to be relative busts, I think Dumars is keeping it stateside. He's done well with underrated college guys in Prince and Maxiell, so we’re going to give him the best ones left, because unlike the Clippers, who lucked into two picks, Dumars fucking earned this.

28. San Antonio Spurs - Arron Afflalo

29. Phoenix Suns - Reyshawn Terry

All right, I’ll admit it, this is a total homer pick. I’m a Tar Heel, and I want Rey to get that guaranteed money so he can take care of his. But, let’s not act like he’s some charity case, he would be a perfect fit for the Suns. He’s a great transition player, can stroke the 3, and plays solid defense. Marcus Williams is actually probably a better pick here, since he has a higher ceiling than Terry and is already used to living in the desert, but fuck that, this is my draft and I do what I please.

30. Philadelphia Seventy-Sixers - Petteri Koponen

Pairing him with Andre Miller would be sitcom magic.

FD-Sanctioned Draft Celebration

The night before the draft, the much-respected No Mas is putting on some shit in NYC that you just wouldn't believe. "The Lottery by No Mas" is like the lottery, but about the history of the institution and the fate of the picks. And you might get some art out of it, like the Jim Jackson portrait up top. There's also a def-to-def No Mas/Puma shoe being unveiled, and booze flowing.

If you go, get planned to "think about how weird it is that the lottery exists and has a huge effect on these player’s lives and to reconsider the famous, the fallen, and the forgotten in relation to this ritual." Or you just stay home, read this site, and get the same thing minus the perks and human interaction.

For all information and better explanation, here's the event site. I also have it on good information that Billups will be in the building as the official FD representative. Hopefully, he'll have made arrangements to get the corner of the Len Bias bent in advance.

Upgrade U: Larry from Indiana

"I've seen you guys can shoot but there's more to the game than shooting."

WHERE THEY AT: Can we dim the lights and put the "Real Talk" sign on for a sec? What the fuck is up with Legend? Did Isaiah fuck his girl at a IU/I. State Sock Hop? Did the one that got away get a pre-game peck on the private parts from Zeke? Because Larry has been a man on fire these last couple of years but instead of snatching back Dakota Fanning he's trying to snatch back those Smits/Mullin glory days. Ron Artest, Al Harrington, Stephen Jackson, RON MERCER! They got replaced like Carlton Banks' mom on Fresh Prince. It's like Bird wants a spotless mind of sunshine, forgetting all about the Isaiah Era. Now they're stuck in the middle with Mike Dunleavy JUNIOR and Troy Murphy and they can't hear one another because Jermaine O'Neal's fucking soul is SCREAMING.

WHAT THEY SHOULD DO: Jim O'Brien. Solid people, I bet. He was hired by a fucking robot somewhere in a cornfield. Dumping Rick Carlisle for Jim O'Brien is, if I may get a little NSFW, like j.o.'ing with your left hand for a new sensation. Jim is still riding the buzz he got from the dawn of the decade when Walter McCarty, Extra P and Cybertoine went all...




They should've hired Mark Jackson. Or Dean Smith. Or some fucking guy who didn't major in parting his hair and footwork at Head Coach U. But they didn't. And now Jermaine drinks away the pain, surrounded by copies of Lonely Planet Los Angeles, watching this:




as a series of stills on a HD like it was a motherfucking Ken Burns doc. You can't put your arms around a memory.

WHAT THEY'RE GONNA DO: The Pacers' website has this flick on the front page:




And I got Donut from The Wire in my top 8 MySpace friends. Don't mean we're gonna go out and boost a fucking Denali tomorrow night, does it? Look at the kid's face. Fuck human years; you gotta read the lines in his face like the circles in a tree stump to tell how old he is. You know who's older than Olden? JAMAAL TINSLEY. The 07-08 Pacers are looking like this:

Jamaal- PG
Marquis- SG
Jermaine/Crazy Ass David Harrison- C
Dun Language- SF
Troy- PF

JO is probably gonna get moved. Maybe for Andrew Bynum and the decaying shoulder cartilage of Lamar Odom. Danny Granger might blossom. He might fucking wilt. Bush got re-elected a few years ago so I guess it's possible that Dunleavy is an all-star trapped in the body of a muscular Casey Jacobsen. As of today, the Pacers are finding "International" prospects "appealing."



Good luck with that. Fuck you know about Petteri Koponen? Finland on smash! PG FOR THE HONKA PLAYBOYS.

OUTLOOK: Barring the Virgin Mary appearing in the weight room, creating a swirling surge of togetherness (and barring Shawne Williams turning into Derrick McKey), they'll be beached at .500 which, even in the East, might not be playoff-worthy.

Feet at Stake

Things have gone utmostly too far. I used to pore over rumors like the next guy, especially when there seemed to be some glimmer of plausibility to them. Now everybody's an expert, the internet has become an authority rather than a dumping ground for raw matter, and game has gotten way too meta.

There are so many rumors floating out in the ether these days that THEY ARE ALL COMPLETELY WORTHLESS. Say every KG-to-Boston scenario had actually been spoken from the mouth of McHale unto a hundred smarmy leprechauns. Even if that were the case, all of their being somewhat "real" would have the net effect of a grand cheapening.



I guess this would represent unprecedented global access, and a major re-gestaltification of what it means to read rumors. It would be eavesdropping or surveillance, not gossip-mongering. In some ways, though, searching for the one true thing is what gives this activity its meaning. We need to know that half of these are nonsense, to believe that somewhere out there is the single, golden exchange that occurred between men of power.

How about this bunker of an option: it's all noise, and we're kicking around these meaningless thoughts for our own benefit. I guess that would also represent some kind of ultra-pomo breakthrough. But hark, where goes that aim, so life and vitality die. If it would suck to find out that all rumors were true, imagine how shitty we'd all get if none of them were?



That's one of the major problems I have with teams "using the media" these days, or Chad Ford being a pawn. I want to think that real insiders aren't subject to the same endless flow of noise I am, that they're outfitted with the filter my travels lack. And yet someone like McHale, or Shaq, still eventually ends up addressing rumors when they take on enough momentum, even if they know full well that they began in nothingness.

Rumors are just rumors, except for when players and execs speak up to remind us that they're just rumors. And then, on occasions that no mere mortal can discern, these rumors actually get under the skin of everyone that matters. It's that last possibility, if true, that keeps me up at night growing scales: try as we might to clutch at what goes on, we are still but lead-earred critters in a sea of tingly gases. While it's right in front of our eyes--perhaps more than ever--there's no way we'll ever be able to read it right.



PLUS, here's some breaking news from Skeets that you simply can't miss.

Take Me Home

Spewing out thoughts on KG and Kobe. Apologies in advance if this is recapitulating anything that Shoals has already said...


Just to backlash the backlash, I'm not gonna go ape over the Kobe 24-second cameraphone joint. People are acting like it's the Onsmash.com viral version of an American hostage getting beheaded or Saddam getting hanged or some shit. During these baseball months, no end of ridiculous manufactured sports news stories pop up, all of which are designed for us to express faux shock and outrage. This is another classic case of ballers getting over-superhumanized...like, CAN YOU BLAME HIM? He couldn't have said it better himself. We're talking about Jason Kidd versus Andrew Bynum here. What this video proves is...at least Kobe isn't dumb enough as most NBA GMs. He actually understands that you have to get a top-3 -in-the-L player some FRIGGIN CHAMPIONSHIP CALIBER HELP to get back to the finals. Screw upside, and forget there ever being another Shaq in the league. J-Kidd is that dude who makes Mikki Moore look like Kareem...and could you imagine the Kidd-Odom-Kobe triumverate going up against Nash, Marion, and Stoudemire? The Lakers would be FASTER.


So, hooray. ESPN gets a week worth of Kobe trade talk. Then they couple it with my favorite topic of the past three years, that the Timberwolves are listening to offers for KG. As many know, the Wolves are my team, KG is my favorite player, but even *I* am beyond caring. If and when the Wolves make a move with KG involved, it's not gonna be under the bright lights and under the scrutiny of Ric Bucher. Kevin McHale and Glen Taylor may be incompetent, but the one thing they do care about is saving face. And trading KG for a bag of unwanted Celtics does NOT give them the opportunity to say, "We didn't know what we were getting into." At least some fantasy like KG for Amare gives them a chance to say, "Hey we tried," but there is no way I see Steve Kerr making any major potentially career-ruining changes in his first year as Suns GM.

And I hate to be all rational for a second, but let's get down to business and make the point that I'm sure countless others before me have made. Trading away a star player never makes you better, and most of the time it makes you worse.

76ers with Barkley
Blazers with Rasheed
NETS WITH K-MART
Lakers with Shaq
Pacers with Artest
Hornets with Baron Davis
76ers with Iverson

Even with the Raptors/Vince or Magic/McGrady, the teams did not get markedly better for a couple years, and it was only because they had stealth weapons (Bosh and Howard) waiting in the wings. THIS NEVER WORKS. Trading Kobe is suicide for the Lakers (Oh yeah, I'm sure Penny Marshall would just jump up out of her gauchos to EMBRACE Kirk Hinrich). Trading KG gets the T-Wolves nowhere closer to the playoffs, and much further from selling tickets. If the major media outlets needs to make up transactions that badly, at least come up with a few that are entertaining. Carmelo to the Knicks, please.

Switching gears to drop some Thurl-caliber jamz on you, this one was spotted by my good friend Kachel. Jazzy Jeff is seemingly mining the inner recesses of my brain's creativity center, to actually bring this idea to fruition before I got my hands on a pirated copy of Pro Tools (MY OTHER BRIGHT IDEA IS TO LOOP THE ALL THINGS CONSIDERED HORNS OVER THE "THINK" BREAK, hipsters). Jeff loops the AI "Practice" speech for this Nag Champa'd out cut with J-Live. The results are iiight, but in my ideal rap vision, I would have put Peedi Crakk over this or something. J-Live is more like the Allan Houston of hip-hop. Never A-Easy.

Everything You Think It Is

So first I was like "who cares about a T-Nes mix." Then I thought about the sort of affecting, sort of comical use of THE STRUGGLE to evoke the overseas experience.

Then OMFG. . .Skeets, who sometime ago uncovered the invaluable stronghold of Nesby World, told me it was the gawd himself with the vocals. Which took it off to somewhere perfect, like if B.I.G. came back to duet with himself on one of those posthumous albums.

I have to go to the doctor now.

More News

NEW LONGFORM is up. For some reason, my link to this photo didn't make the final edit. But there is a long part that sort of talks about how the off-season lets me get in touch with my softer side. By which I mean spending all day looking at photos of Julie Christie.

Be Thee Not Unspoken

Sorry I haven't been my usual babbling self about this draft. To be perfectly straight about it, I don't want to guess about this class of draftees—I want them to hurry up and get in the league. I firmly believe that, after a down-year, the NBA is positioned to come clanging back more boisterously than before. The injuries will be gone, the new blood will be streaming through the league, movement might happen, and there will be a ton of chips floating around out there. At the risk of jinxing us all, I'll hold off on particulars until the moment is near. Suffice it to say, however, that this year the draft sort of just feels like making us wait for something grand and actual.

But what I really came down from the hills after my. . . three day?. . .hiatus for was to speak on the dreaded "R word." Shanoff sent me an email yesterday that really got me thinking about the utter relativity, subjectivity, deception, and futility of "rebuilding." Like we know that the T-Wolves have supposedly not been rebuilding, because Garnett wants to win. And yet the Celtics are, despite having Pierce, a young nucleus coming along, and being in a conference that lends itself to token success. It would seem that there are at these four variables at play, all of them sheltered by whatever the organization chooses to say officially on the matter.



No superstar wants to get rebuilt around. It's crass, ugly, and to some degree proves one's own failure. So instead, what goes on with the Lakers, or Wolves, or Celtics, maybe, is what one might better term "retooling." There's some truth to this muddle: in a league where LeBron can take out most of the Pistons himself, and Kobe can throw up fifty without even wanting to, a team is never completely out of the hunt if they're packing that caliber of single-axis talent. And certainly, it is the removal of said player that truly signals practical and psychological rebirth for a team.

But we have also seen time and time again that there a one-man team is ultimately limited, and that making the playoffs (in the East) is quite a different thing from contending for a title. In truth, all teams churned by a single imperial engine are on that slippery slope between rebuilding and "retooling," totally at the mercy of their GM's retlative incompetence. What they say in public is, primarily, to save face for the front office and the star. The star never wants to feel like the team has sunk so low, because it in part will rest upon his shoulder. And while management's expectations are relaxed when rebuilding is at hand, having squandered a playoff team is the kind of small-scale failure that gets heads flown in the lesser parts of the league.



I'm getting out of order here, but the question of "toward what" is the unseemly punchline of rebuilding. Like really, these teams think they can gun at a championship? Fat chance 'o that! Most teams would be content to make the postseason, and then hover around there regularly--a goal that only backfires if the team fails to crack through to the second round, or makes it too far into the depths (KINGS) without winning. Realistically, though, most teams are content to be known as "winners."

And then, the Wizard of Oz moment: the whole highly-politicized tap dance over whether or not a team admit its rebuilding. So find, the Lakers didn't tell Kobe that were doing that. What the fuck? THEY HAD NO TEAM. Bryant's not stupid; maybe he was counting on them to make a big move all along, or maybe it's just a saving face thing. Seems to me that there's the rebuilding of words and the de facto condition. Somehow, no one qualifies for the former, and everyone is very nearly consumed by the latter.

No More Finals, What Is Draft. . .

Here's Baron Davis going off the domepiece in a mansion of kicks. Keep the faith and watch out who gets their hands on this.

Fact Has Two Eyes

I think I originally asked the Recluse to do this, but it was intrepid reader A.G. who came through:



New Longform is up. Please read it and everything else.

God and Basketball

Sorry Jamie, but this is strictly FreeDarko material. Sorry if some people weren't into my last attempt at posting a ten-minute YouTube video. Not for the quick of draw, I know.

This one's pretty straightforward: Hakeem visits a mosque, gets discussing things with the imam, and then is swooped down upon by some eager NBA fans looking for the interview of their lifetime. Dream chats a little, and then they discuss bringing more players to the mosque. Unclear whose priorities are what. Then the service begins and everything's in its proper perspective.

Or you could read my railing against a racist Denver columnist.

I Fired Everyone

I kind of feel crappy, the Finals aren't helping, and I don't even know where to begin talking on the draft. So instead, how about some J.R. Smith Media Watch:

The The Rocky Mountain News, delivers a warm "keep your head up" piece. We get reminded how David Wesley's best friend Bobby Phills died when the two were driving Porsches fast. He's planning to call Smith, advise him on dealing with the pain moving forward. Silas chips in to encourage self-respect and honesty. Point: THIS IS A HUMAN TRAGEDY THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO ANYONE. Maybe, in private, Wesley or Silas think J.R. is out of control, but that's not the message they want sent through the media. It's not the morale of the story.

Then, over at The Denver Post, columnist Mark Kiszla, gives us the following shimmering harp of pleasant:

What's infuriating is Smith tried so hard to live the lyrics of a rap song that he could now become tragic inspiration for a rhyme about a professional baller who threw it all away.

Born to a good home, raised by two loving parents and made rich as a teenager by the NBA, Smith was so desperate for the street cred glorified by hip-hop culture that he became a poseur, thinking if he wore baggy shorts half off his bum, then maybe Carmelo Anthony, Kenyon Martin and teammates who came up from mean streets would accept him.

Smith is a gangsta wannabe who got lost in a dangerous game of make-believe.



How about this one:

On the Nuggets, however, Smith was forever stuck being the li'l bro, trying to dunk louder or act crazier to prove he belonged. It was as if he needed to impress Melo, K-Mart and Allen Iverson, who all grew up earning scars from gritty existences that Smith only knew from watching "The Wire" on HBO.

Although he flashed gang signs after making 3-point shots, Smith never really knew what he was doing. There is a song by 50 Cent in which the rapper warns the life is too dangerous for a wannabe gangsta. Smith was too busy drowning in a culture bigger than himself to figure out what he wanted to be when he grew up.

Call me crazy, but how is a traffic accident a symptom of the gangster lifestyle? Plus last I checked, there was nothing "hard" or "real" about being responsible for your friend's death. This is just shitty circumstances, not a lesson for a troubled demographic. At least not beyond WEAR YOUR SEAT-BELTZ.

Since I'm grouchy today, I'll call it: making this into some kind of culture wars, generational divide, us/them conflict is just embarrassing. One kid is dead, another's life is painful and fucked-up. 'Tis not the time to start throwing around truisms about the allure of the street life. Especially not when they're thrown by this guy:



Oh, and I feel some obligation to distance myself from "he could now become tragic inspiration for a rhyme about a professional baller who threw it all away." Whether or not I might one day romanticize a crash-and-burn (no pun intended) J.R. saga, the implication that HIP-HOP DID IT is just fucking insulting. If Smith's career falls apart, like Eddie Griffin's, it's because he is unstable and impetuous beyond all social bounds. This is about an individual's choices and tendencies, not some mindless bouncy tattoo-canvas seduced by hip-hop fatalism. And if there is some psycho-social undercurrent to it all, it goes much further back, and involves a lot more, than four years worth of hanging out in the NBA.

UPDATE: Here's an interview with J.R. about his pre-NBA years, in the Post, no less.

Plus, I don't get why the "little brother" analysis leads to GNGSTR PUGRATORY. Oh wait, because his "bros" Melo and Iverson are "thugs." How silly of me.

Basketball For Tempers

Longform lives, with a lengthy discursion on how fucked the Cavs are going forward. Not in this series, dumb-ass--in the all the years between now and LeBron's possible exit.

I also thought you might find it interesting that I'd initially typed "Tits Gibson," but was told to tone it down to "Boobs Gibson." Slowly but surely working my way up to TITS.

Ummm, yeah. Nothing more to say on J.R. at the moment. If you live in Houston, come to my garage sale this weekend.

Your Especially Nimble Din

I have no idea why I didn't include that League of Psychology post in my Big Picture favorites. As much as anything that's ever been nailed up here, it gets at how I view the game on a day-to-day basis. Maybe because it's always seemed somewhat incomplete: the catch phrase sang of psychology, but it ended up being much more about the nexus of aesthetics and persona, or performance and history.

Not surprisingly, this is what leapt into my mind when I woke up late and found that one of my favorite players had, in very real terms, fucked up. J.R. threw himself and another dude through an SUV windshield, with his companion still in serious condition. As soon as I chased down the facts on Smith's folly, one thought kept sticking: does J.R. being the kind of person who nearly kills himself and others make me like him more or less?

To be perfectly insensitive about it, the situation sums up his style, and career, as aptly as anything could. If seasons can be terms "trainwrecks," then Smith is most certainly an SUV nightmare that splits the difference between grace and self-inflicted woe. On the court, J.R. is forever halfway between disaster and perfection, and I daresay that this is responsible for much of up-and-down Nuggitude. At the same time, however, wouldn't a man prone to ditzy volcanism end up with Smith's narrative and his kind of game?



Throwing about causal arrows is, well, a lost cause. There's the single basketball act, the competitive actor, the professional employee, the celebrity persona, the uncut sleaze, the real him, and all manners of in-between-ness. Saying what precedes what, and what can claim the chunkiest corner of "truth," misses the point. Athletes as they exist in total are part-real, part-imaginary; they belong to themselves, but are hardly separable from the subjective fog we cast about them. What's more, so much of their meaning derives from sports, which to most sane people are nothing short of trivial.

Here's the thing, though: the moment you allow the real world to creep in, you suddenly have to consider morality. STOP ME IF YOU'VE HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE: Way back before age had a number, Silverbird, Big Baby and myself used to joke about a so-called "Moral Commentator." This indispensable member of the telecast crew would be charged with breaking things down in terms of justice. If this sounds useless, it's because it is. Sports have their own code, and it puts winning and losing above all else. To be sure, there is etiquette, but this idea of honor resembles that among thieves or soldiers: goals preceding goodness.



If Bruce Bowen behaved socially as he does on the court, he wouldn't gain grudging respect—he'd be reviled. J.R. Smith may, on some poetic level, need to nearly kill himself and others to justify his basketball existence. I hope all of you immediately recoiled at that statement, or else you are probably a sociopath. That would mean, though, that Smith's real world doings do affect our understanding of him as a basketball player. Had no one been hurt in this accident, we would have no problem drawing comparisons between this event, what we know of him as a person, and his basketballular make-up.

Instead, I'm also left wondering if I can still watch him on the court, and in the rumor pages, without affixing some sinister. Ray Lewis may have beat his case and rehabbed his image, but his having been tangentially involved in a murder put a new interpretive spin on his "killer instinct." At the risk of distracting the comments section indefinitely, Kobe's charges made his competitive zeal into something vaguely unsettling.

I'm not in favor of forgiving and forgetting when it comes to athletes. I don't think you can hold a semi-imaginary figure accountable as you would a friend or public servant. But to pretend that we let these extracurricular gaffs disappear forever is absolutely ridiculously. They do color the way we see an athlete, even if this judgment only temporarily overtakes the "athlete" part of things. If a League of Style is inseparable from a League of Psychology, then in some cases we are forced to admit the limits of escapism.

NBA Borneo Semiotics, #3.64

Hey, read our live-blog of Game One!

That was a tribute to the thousands of hours that you, me and everyone spent immersed in last night's game. I was so numb, the only answer was the funnies. However, two other issues haunted me throughout the evening, and I bring them to you now. For one, the new LeBron ad. Oddly, I've already been dragging this itch around on AOL for two days. But alas, the conversation didn't get roiling there, so I was forced to haul it back to these doorsteps.

Here's the deal: if it's the Cavs fans being released, why is only the majesty of LeBron shown? The analogy I wanted to use was showing footage of President LBJ in his office as the sole mean of commemorating the Civil Rights Act. SHOW US SOME MISERY AND REDEMPTION! Otherwise, we're forced to at least weigh the possibility that LeBron is being relesed—and to be quite factual, breaking away for a dunk after a game of being semi-stifled does seem to be a form of release. The joke about LeBron being freed from the burden of expectations is bound to at least creep into the psyche of anyone familiar with "I Shall Be Released."

Oh, and no, I couldn't possibly be biased as to how to best use this song in reference to the NBA.



Also yesterday, I found myself incredibly heated that the NBA dared to go up against the Sopranos finale this Sunday. It says a lot of things to me: how clueless the league is sometimes, how out of touch it is with the demographics who watch it, it's refusal to admit its own vulnerability, and probably more than anything else, the continued buttocks-scrape that is the ABC/ESPN tenure. Mostly though, it might be the moment where I realize how little I'll care about these Finals until LeBron shows up. I have zero hesitation about skipping the first half of Game Two for these reasons, and I'm an NBA maniac. Someone should be concerned about this, right?

Subject of Tony Parker: his body control is amazing exactly because he takes the perfect shot from any angle. He can attack from anywhere, and get nailed with anything, and still end up executing one of his three main weapons. That's neither a compliment nor an insult, and pretty much sums up my thinking on the Spurs at this point.

Mold With Friends

Brown Recluse: i am disappointed, but not surprised, to see that san antonio adopted the miami all-white look.
BR: did they ever do that before?
Bethlehem Shoals: the spurs are kind of cocaine. in a contra kind of way
BR: ?
BS: i mean, the white jerseys go well with HATING THEM NOW.

BR: i would LOVE it if hughes somehow won finals mvp.
BR: wouldn't that be the greatest thing ever?
BR: like, everything all of a sudden clicks for hughes at the most opportune time?
BS: why is larry hughes so unsympathetic?
BR: i don't know, everyone seems to think he sucks
BS: a finals mvp would make him sympathetic. have we said he's reptilian?
that might be why no one loves him.
BR: no, only marquis can be reptilian. and dee brown, mk. 1
BS: marquis is lizard-esque. that's different from reptilian
BR: really?
BS: well, lizards are kind of playful and weird and exotic.
BS: reptiles are just cold and frightening.
BS: that sounds like it should be a good thing. if i'm ever a broadcaster. . .

BR: drew gooden: finals mvp
BS: dude, stop it.
BR: hughes or gooden SHOULD be able to win it
BR: the second or third best players on a team should be able to get hot for a series, e.g. james worthy
BS: this goes back to your claim the other day. that the cavs don't suck because at various times in their careers, several of them have been very good
BS: VAREJAO IS THE SECOND BEST CAV
BR: fuck that shit
BR: he's the second best cav like okur is the second best jazz
BS: talking about the cavs is like trying to write a poem about a cube



BR: when tim duncan pulled at his shorts and d'ed up lebron, that was freedarko.
BR: that was swag.
BS: pulling up your shorts?
BR: yeah, in an aggressive manner.
BR: he was like, i can fucking guard this guy on the perimeter, fuck this kid
BS: guarding the wrong part of the floor is totally FD
BR: exactly
BS: hiking your shorts up, not so much so
BR: IN AN AGGRESSIVE MANNER.
BR: he was popping his shorts collar!!!
BS: oh my god.

BR: not liking what i'm seeing out of the cavs so far
BS: this is something new from the cavs?
BR: pavlovic is kind of awesome, though
BS: pavlovic is a great finisher, except for the finishing part

BR: remember when donyell marshall used to be good?
Dr. LIC: donyell marshall has never hit a big shot in his life
Dr. LIC: yet that is what his exact role is
BR: what about uconn?
BS: he had 14 three's in one game
Dr. LIC: a BIG SHOT
Dr. LIC: i'll hit 14 threes in a game
BS: if you make 14 three's, they are big shots by virtue of their participation in the greater whole
Dr. LIC: 14 threes is like a feat of strength
Dr. LIC: like tossing a midget
BS: tim duncan looks very small in a bathing suit
BR: i bought a wine because pop mentioned it in a sports illustrated side bar
BR: it was good, i've bought it since



BS: i like the cavs. they are very live-blog friendly
Dr. LIC: the cavs might fuck around and win this game
Dr. LIC: if someone gets hot
Dr. LIC: the cavs could win
BS: i think it's funny that no one even knows what a cavs win would look like
BR: 28 straight points
BS: sometimes when pavlovic makes a shot, i think it means i'll find a dollar outside or something
Dr. LIC: i have a newfound appreciation for pavlovic due to this game
BR: pavlovic has always been dope
BS: elson just popped his crotch
BR: did you know greg ginn's label put out a bill walton spoken word album?

BS: all that can save this finals is dance crazes
BS: the oberto shuffle
BS: tony's tango
BS: can you do one of those things that's like a bunch of letters that form an image?
BS: like a bunch of dashes and zeros that make a flower
BS: that seems like the best way to represent this game
BR: only boobs
BS: i don't get why he can be nicknamed "boobie"
BS: what if we found out that drew gooden's nickname was "pussymaster supreme"
BS: would they use it in the telecast?
BR: boobie doesn't only mean breast
BS: it's a bird, right?
BS: with yellow feet and a mask
BR: can we say that lebron is choking?
BS: no, he can see that gooden has the hot hand
BR: but, he hasn't done shit
BR: 1-10
BS: that was a joke
BS: about the finals mvp

Heavily Directed Go Away

I've done so much writing in the last few days, and none of it for here. So while this should be considered an open thread for whatever, please follow the following links:

-Shoals, interviewed by The Big Picture. It was wonderful experience and forced me to get a lot of my meta-blog thoughts in order.

-New Longform is up, on the subject of Mike Brown's inner peace.

-Dr. LIC's Spurs preview up at Deadspin!. Cavs one coming soon!!!!

And, uh, GO CAVS!!!!!

FreeDrafto, Pt. 894582: Leaping Time

Let me just get straight to the point: I'm a big NBA Draft fan. If it were the Pistons taking on the Spurs, rather than the Cavs, I would even say that I'm more into the Draft than the Finals, but like everyone, I'm quite curious about how King James will fare, so, uh, I can't actually that. But, whatever, fuck it, the point is that love the NBA Draft! One of my favorite parts of Draft season is the pre-Draft Camp measurements and the combine. With the premium the NBA puts on length and athleticism, we get to wax poetic on wingspan and lucubrate on lane agility. Having a good combine is not nearly as important as it is in the NFL, but it can really boost one's stock. Before anyone gets all Oberlin on me, let me say that I realize that certain aspects of the NBA Draft are creepily similar to a slave auction, but if you think about it, it's not really the same thing at all. With that said, I've put together some notes for your enjoyment and edification. Feel free to leave yours in the comments, as always.

Corey Brewer - Brewer is the personification of "wiry." He only goes 6'6.75" (in shoes) and 185, but he benched 185 eleven times. If I were drafting in the Top 5, I'd think about taking him.

Aaron Brooks - I've often said that it's impossible (for me, anyway) to predict if scoring 6-ft combo guards or 6'7" power forwards can translate collegiate success to the NBA. Brooks is a prime example of the former. He was measured at only 5'11.75" in shoes, but the rest of it looks pretty impressive: 6'4" wingspan, 39.5 inch max vertical, and 10.57 lane agility. I would guess he's going to get drafted off of that.

Mike Conley, Jr. - This cat really impressed me during the tourney. As much as his solid pure point guard play, I was struck by--and I of course say this as a lifelong heterosexual--his physique. Dude has broad shoulders and long arms and looks like he'll be able to pack some serious muscle onto that frame. Not that he's not already kinda diesel for a 19 year old point guard. He benched 185 thirteen times; that's one more than strongman Mario Boggan. He also measured out at almost 6'1" in shoes and had a 40.5 inch max vert. He was already going lotto, but now I wouldn't be surprised if he went Top 5.



Zabian Dowdell - This guy is one of my sleepers. He hung 33 on my Tar Heels this past season, and his name sounds like that of an antebellum southern gentleman. He's another scoring combo guard, but he's got decent size, going 6'3" in shoes and with a ridiculous 6'10" wingspan.

Kevin Durant - He's a legit 6'10 in shoes. I heard Mike Greenberg say he would take Oden over Durant because he's a legit 7-footer, and Durant is only 6'6". Right about the first part, dead wrong on the second.

Al Horford - For some reason, I've never really been sure how big Horford is. He's so broad, he appears shorter than he really is. He measured at almost 6'10" in shoes, benched 185 twenty times, and had a 35.5 inch max vert. Very solid numbers. He's a starting NBA power forward, no question. Whether he's an All-Star caliber player, I can't say.

Jared Jordan - Further proof that white point guards are the only basketball players whose wingspans are not greater than their heights.

Josh McRoberts - I heard a rumor that he can't lift weights because he has a bad back. Still, if you're a 6'10" professional basketball player, you should NOT have 13.7% body fat. That's more than beefy Mario Boggan (9.2%) and Joseph Jones (11.9%) and more than FIVE times more than Aaron Brooks (a freakish 2.7%).



Nick Young - He measured out at 6'6.75" in shoes with a 7-ft wingspan and a 40.5 max vert (only an inch more than his no step vert). With his smooth game and those sick ups, he should be a lottery pick.

Thaddeus Young - He's only 6'5.75 without shoes, but he had an impressive 37 inch max vert and put 185 up 13 times, making him the 7th best athlete in the camp. Still, his perimeter skills aren't yet where they should be. If I were him, I'd go back to Georgia Tech for another year.